Good Friday

Yesterday was Good Friday.  As a believer in Jesus, Good Friday is always special - but for me it holds a special significance as it's the day I told my boss I'd decided not to go up for tenure.  It truly did feel like the ultimate professional death.  I remember feeling a combination of failure, confusion, grief, and terror not knowing what lie ahead and not being entirely sure what this long, strange journey of getting a PhD had been all about because I was certain I was leaving higher education.

....BUT GOD

There's so often a "but God" in good stories, isn't there?  God intervenes where there isn't a way -- where there maybe even shouldn't be a way.  But God shows up, and shows us His power, His faithfulness, and ultimately His kindness towards us.  We are left with no choice other than to conclude that it's a "but God" story.

I feel a little extra reflective on Good Fridays.  Given my natural bent towards reflection on a normal day, that's really saying something!  Yesterday after a day of busy-ness and crazy-ness, I just felt really amazed at how God has worked in my life and my career, especially.  I can't believe I'm still in higher education.  I can't believe I'm in a job that is so suited for me.  I can't believe that I'm finally getting some external validation after years of just doing my thing because I thought it was the right thing to do.  But here I am -- BUT GOD.

There is purpose in pain.  I believe that strongly now -- I am not sure I would have seen that as strongly as I do now a couple of years ago.  Even in the death that occurs on Good Friday, there is purpose.  Don't circumnavigate or avoid the pain; sometimes you have to just go through it, trusting there is a "BUT GOD" in there somewhere for you, and trusting that God will use the "BUT GOD" to further His Kingdom on earth and display His glory, as you walk the path He has for you.

First year at PSU

Today I'm giving a final in one of my classes.  A year ago today, I interviewed for this job at Penn State.  Wow.  This year went fast and at times, and there were times I definitely wanted to fast forward a bit.

Overall, I learned that God is faithful and that transition takes time.  I learned to press into (and endure) the hard parts.  I learned that keeping God at the foundation of it all was critical.  I learned that I can do hard things (seems I keep being presented with an opportunity to learn and relearn that lesson!).  I learned to weather transition and, in time, thrive.

Finding my people and my place in State College took longer than I expected.  It took stretching out of my comfort zone, lots of false starts, and lots of showing up even when I didn't feel like it.

Ultimately, I think I am on the right path.  I keep being reassured over and over that God has planted me here for a season.  I want to put down deep roots and grow here.  I am excited to see what he has for me here!

I'm moving!

It's official.  I'm moving to Penn State!  I've accepted a job as an advisor and instructor -- something a bit different than my current role that will allow me to expand my skillset while playing to my strengths.  I am excited for the transition: to learn new things, to meet new people, and to see what God has in store for me in this new season.  I've prayed for change for three years, and now it is here (after two false alarms about jobs I was "sure I would get" - ha).  I can barely believe it.  I leave this Thursday.

This change also offers me some changes I've been praying for -- additional stability, empowerment, and the opportunity to buy a house.  I prayed for clarity: clear yeses and noes.  I don't think that could have been answered any better, and God has been in the details from the big to the small.  It has been so kind, and has spoken to my heart in such a tender way.  Three of my favorite examples of God stories are

• The house - I prayed for the right place to live: one that would be convenient to campus, good for entertaining, and a place of peaceful sanctuary for me and others.  The house I bought was perfect, in my price range, and only on the market for 8 hours.  The way I got it was such a God story, and I am grateful.  I really feel like the Lord set it aside just for me.  I am excited to see the way He works in that house.

• A gig - There was some rockiness to the way my position ended.  In the end, I was asked to write a report that expounded on some ideas I had at work.  This gig not only allowed me to keep my benefits for the summer, it also pays me enough to buy a new washer dryer!  In a season where I am writing checks all the time and draining my savings to buy a house, this is no small thing.  Additionally, it provided me a little external validation that I have good ideas - something I hadn't felt in awhile.

• The washer/dryer - I had been watching sales on washers and dryers since I didn't want to pay full price.  I called my realtor to see if I had a gas or electric dryer hookup (I didn't remember).  He called me the next day and explained that he had a client who already had appliances who had just purchased a high end home that came with a washer/dryer.  He asked if I would be interested in purchasing the old washer/dryer - for $200!  What a gift.

As excited as I am for the change, Arkansas has been my home for the last nine years.  I've made a tremendous set of friends who have become like family.  I loved my job and the students I got to meet as part of it.  I experienced the dark night of my soul here and had to figure out who I was and what I valued -- and I came out on the other side.  I am a gentler, more balanced, more confident, and overall better friend, co-worker, and teacher than I was when I moved here.  Although I am sad to leave Northwest Arkansas, the people I met and experiences I had here fundamentally changed me and will always be a part of who I am.  I am forever grateful for that.

Adventure: it is exciting, and it is scary.  And it is happening.

Another Year is in the Books

This is my second year in a non-tenure-track job, which has allowed me to enjoy a nine month schedule.  This means I have summers to do with as I please.  The pay cut is SO WORTH IT.

For the last two years, around spring break I get the itch and am like "OMG PLEASE MERCIFUL GOD LET SUMMER BE HERE TODAY."  I've limped and hobbled across the finish line to summer each of the last two years.  I sleep for about a week after school is out.  Then I read, go outside, and spend the days cooking, minding my plants, reading, and spending times with friends.

This year feels a lot different.  As I feel like transition is impending (even with no real idea what that will look like), the end of the school year feels sad and bittersweet.  I am sad to leave the students I enjoy, the place that I've had to answer tough questions, and the environment where I really learned who I was and what I value.  I leave this school year uncertain whether I'll be back in the fall.  It is sad, and I am most assuredly grateful for this place and this season.

I'm not sure what will happen next, but I am glad to finally feel like I have found my calling in life: loving, serving, and educating students who are navigating a critical season in their lives.  What an honor it has been to have worked here.

Midyear Book Update

We've just crossed the halfway point of the year.  I've read 64 books so far totaling 16,813 pages -- an average of about 90 pages a day.  I am honestly a bit surprised by that as it never feels like I'm reading that much.  I've continued reading more fiction and have been reading lots of books about marriage and the like lately.  Although I am enjoying the fiction, I'm realizing that biographies really are my favorite.  People are fascinating and there are really so many interesting things to be learned from them -- and their successes and failures; that's probably why I'm drawn to biographies. 

Here's a list of books I've read since my last update; as usual my favorites are bolded.

1. Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden
2. God's Generals: Why They Succeeded and Why Some Failed by Roberts Liardon
3. The Bean Trees: A Novel by Barbara Kingsolver
4. Wicked by Gregory Maguire (this book is terrible by the way) 
5. The Smartest Kids in the World and How They Got That Way by Amanda Ripley 
6. Soul Keeping: Caring For the Most Important Part of You by John Ortberg
7. How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life by Scott Adams
8. Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition and the Life of Faith by Jen Pollock Michel 
9. Clout: Discover and Unleash Your God-Given Influence by Jenni Catron
10. The Sacred Year: Mapping the Soulscape of Spiritual Practice -- How Contemplating Apples, Living in a Cave and Befriending a Dying Woman Revived My Life by Michael Yankoski
11. The Pioneer Spirit by Dutch Sheets
12. The Elephant Whisperer: My Life with the Herd in the African Wild by Lawrence Anthony, Graham Spence 
13. The Grave Robber: How Jesus Can Make Your Impossible Possible by Mark Batterson
14. Dreams: God's Voice in the Night: Interpret Your Own Dreams with Ease and Accuracy by Barbara Lardinais
15. 30 Years a Watchtower Slave: The Confessions of a Converted Jehovah's Witness by William J. Schnell
16. A Trip around the Sun: Turning Your Everyday Life into the Adventure of a Lifetime by Mark Batterson, Richard Foth, Susanna Foth Aughtmon 
17. Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
18. Jesus Prom: Life Gets Fun When You Love People Like God Does by Jon Weece
19. Grace for Parents by Brandi K. Harris
20. The Servant: A Simple Story About the True Essence of Leadership by James C. Hunter 
21. Winnie-the-Pooh by A. A. Milne
22. The House at Pooh Corner by A. A. Milne, Ernest Howard Shepard 
23. When We Were Very Young by A. A. Milne
24. Now We are Six by Alan Alexander Milne
25. Breaking Night: A Memoir of Forgiveness, Survival, and My Journey from Homeless to Harvard by Liz Murray
26. Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam S. McHugh
27. What Keeps You Up at Night? How to Find Peace While Chasing Your Dreams by Pete Wilson
28. Peace Like a River by Leif Enger
29. Throwing Shadows by E.L. Konigsburg
30. Sex and the Soul of a Woman: How God Restores the Beauty of Relationship from the Pain of Regret by Paula Rinehart
31. Dangerous Surrender: What Happens when You Say Yes to God by Kay Warren 
32. Loved Back to Life: How I Found the Courage to Live Free by Sheila Walsh
33. The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams Bianco, Margery Williams, Michael Hague
34. Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands by Gary L. Thomas
35. Good Chinese Wife: A Love Affair with China Gone Wrong by Susan Blumberg-Kason
36. Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage by Fawn Weaver
37. So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us by Beth Moore
38. Becoming Odyssa: Adventures on the Appalachian Trail by Jennifer Pharr Davis
39. Love Walked in: A Novel by Marisa De los Santos

Desires

This spring has been hard and I've grown and learned a lot, but a few weeks ago I was faced with the reality that my life had been feeling hopeless.  I felt stuck and resigned to a state of indefinite (and permanent feeling) transition and waiting. 

I realized that over the last few years of life -- surrendering my career and job on the tenure track, living with another family and feeling no sense of home or stability, not having a sense of where life was headed -- I felt that life was spinning out of control.  It also hurt to have opportunity after opportunity fall through -- ones that I thought I was following God's plan on.  Over time, it became too hard and painful to hope and expect because I was afraid of being disappointed over and over.  While I had told God, "Yes, I will do whatever you want me to," over time that morphed in my head to become, "God will tell me what to do; I have to wait on Him," and eventually, "My preferences are irrelevant and unimportant." And that felt empty and hopeless.  And I'm coming to believe it is untrue.

Through counseling, a prophecy, and reading Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition and the Life of Faith by Jen Pollock Michel, I am coming believe that my preferences and desires are important and do factor into where my life is going.  The gist of Jen's book is that as the Holy Spirit transforms our hearts and lives more into the image of Christ, He is also at work transforming our desires.  She uses the Lord's prayer to teach us that it is ok -- and even good -- to want, to hope and to dream.  And realizing that for me has been a game changer and a breath of fresh air.  For the first time in over a year, I'm seeing the breaking of a new dawn of hope.

I'm realizing that it is not selfish to want or to dream -- that God has placed many of the dreams that I have had in my heart, and that that is ok.  Realizing this has forced me to ask, "What do I want?  What are my dreams?"  Giving myself permission to dream and want again has made life seem less hopeless.

I have a few big desires that I am asking God for -- a professional opportunity that fell through last year; a house or condo that is big enough for a home office, guest bedroom, and to invite others over for gatherings; and I want to get married to a Godly, kind, gentle but strong man.  These are the desires of my heart -- the things I want, and the things I am asking for.  I trust God with the timing and with the way that it all works out, but I am allowing myself to acknowledge that I do have preferences in this. 

Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. ~ Psalm 37:4

Two Years in the Wilderness

Today is Good Friday.  It's a significant day to me not only because it's the day that Jesus died on the cross, but because it's the day I met with my boss to tell her I'd made the decision to walk away from the tenure track and, subsequently, my life plan.  The last two years have been so full of so many feels -- sadness, confusion, disappointment, frustration, fear, uncertainty (x365 x2) and a general feeling of being "over it".  At the same time, this crucible of mistake making and waiting and feeling trapped and general wilderness wandering has been a season of growth and refinement.

I can't believe that it's been so long and that I still don't have a life plan.  Someday this will make sense, but I still don't feel like it makes any more sense today than it did two years ago.  In the meantime, I plod through and put one foot in front of the other and rely on what I know to be true: God is faithful, and He has a plan in all of this that will work all things together for good.