Spiritual Abuse

I grew up in a series of dysfunctional churches.  From the onset, let me acknowledge that churches are made of people -- all imperfect -- and are therefore by definition imperfect.  I know that and am firmly committed to one such church now.  But the churches I grew up in were, like, REALLY dysfunctional.

I remember never feeling like I fit in church -- like I was a square peg in a round hole.  I remember the shaming of women, like when two girls in our church got pregnant and both had to "confess" in front of the congregation while there were no repercussions for the baby daddies.  I remember a drummer in another church who had three babies by two different women in our church all before he was 18.  I remember being made to feel like my intelligence was a liability.  I remember my mom crying in the car because going to church hurt too much, but making us go inside anyway.  I remember when our pastor had an affair with another staff member, causing her to "resign", while there was no confession on his part.  Basically, I remember chaos, confusion, and hurt when I think of growing up in church -- all while being made to feel inferior because I was a woman and rebellious because I would ask questions.

Understandably, it left me with a bad taste in my mouth as a child on into my early thirties -- one that I now realize as an adult was shame, anger, judgement, and a feeling of cognitive dissonance.  I felt like I could not trust God Himself because, at least if He was anything like His representatives, He was not kind and He sort of thought women were out to get Him.  He also didn't like independent thinkers.

All of this me hurt, wounded, and broken.  God over time and in His own sweet, gentle ways has healed these wounds and has made me whole again.  For this, I am both in awe and unspeakably grateful.  It's incredible how He has done that.

It's taken time, but God does not do sloppy work.  He doesn't cut corners and His healing is complete.  I know and believe that He will use ALL of this for my good and for His glory.