My Life Plan: To Follow Jesus. Period.

As part of a conversation I was having the other day, someone asked me, "What comes after [the program I've applied for] if you get in?"  I paused for a second, and told the truth: "I have no idea."

I am 33, about to turn 34.  I've been in school for 22 years.  I've been spending an additional six years working towards tenure in an academic career, something I feel beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was supposed to pursue.

But as certain as I am that I was supposed to pursue an academic career and live in Fayetteville, I feel with equal certainty that God is calling me into unknown territory and not go up for tenure after all.

I'll be honest; it's all very confusing.  Nowadays I feel like I am on a "need to know" basis with God; He tells me just enough to take a single step of faith.  After I step out and take that step of faith, I sit there and wait for the next step to be revealed.  And in moments of doubt, I can own up to thinking "OMG #@$#@$@#$ is going on?!?!  Why am I doing this?!?!  These decisions make no sense!!"

It's not like this season is comfortable, but I know in my heart and in my spirit that it is good and that this is the right thing.  He is refining me and teaching me what it really means to BE STILL and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).  It's not how I'm wired, but it is good to be learning.  I know it will ultimately lead to fruit and will refine me further.

So here I am.  I am 33.  I have several letters after my name, but I don't have many of the things people my age do -- a house, a husband, kids, etc.  Most unsettling to me, I don't even feel like I have a life plan anymore!

I feel like God is telling me to abandon my career.

I feel like God is preparing me to move away from a place that I've put down roots and where made deep friendships.  It's a place that I love.

I feel like God is asking me to step away from a life where I feel like He is allowing me to make a difference in the lives of students.

And just when I feel like, "I cannot do this.  This is too hard.  I'd rather stick to MY life plan.  Remember those days when I had a life plan?!?" the Lord reminds me that I am, in fact, not without a life plan at all.  He has it all planned out and orchestrated.  It will work out for my good.  My plan just needs to be to follow Him.  Paradoxically, it is incredibly simple and amazingly hard.  It doesn't feel like much of a "plan" to be waiting and listening -- but honestly, can you think of a better life plan than to walk in the very path that the Creator of the universe has uniquely prepared for you?  This causes me to breathe a little easier.

God has been gracious to remind me over and over that the notion of an "easy" life following Him is faulty and probably more of an American idea than a Jesus idea.  Following Him involves risk and sacrifice.  And so here I am, at 33 learning that following Jesus is enough.  I do not need one other single thing -- I don't need a house, a spouse, a savings account, a retirement plan, health insurance, a place to live come August 1, or even a life plan.   I only need Him.  I would have said I knew that before, but I am learning it in a much more tangible way now.

Life out in the Desert

It's been about four months since all of this craziness ensued -- deciding whether or not to go up for tenure, ultimately discerning that the Lord was leading me in another direction, trying to figure out what direction He was leading me, applying for an opportunity, and waiting.

And waiting.

There has been lots of waiting.  I don't know how the Israelites did this for 40 years.  I don't know how the woman with the issue of blood dealt with it for 12 years.  I've been here for only four months, and I'm ready for some answers and to get a move on, please.  A nice American attitude I've learned.

Since I've decided I'm not going up for tenure, I've applied only for one opportunity -- a character and leadership development program at a church.  The Lord told me with crystal clarity that I needed to apply for it.  He confirmed it time and again after I submitted my application.  I have essentially operated under the assumption that this is what He has next for me, and have been living my life accordingly -- but without any concrete evidence like an offer that this opportunity would pan out or actually happen.

I thought that I'd get some answers last Friday about whether or not I've been accepted to the program I've applied for.  Friday came and went by with nary a peep.  And Saturday.  And Sunday.  And Monday.  And most of Tuesday.

Tuesday afternoon/evening I got a request for a followup phone call.  Some of the decision makers wanted more information about my situation, my story, and -- I think -- my attitude and outlook on all of this.

And you know what?  After several days of constantly battling anxiety, frustration about missed deadlines and wondering what would happen if this wasn't next next, this conversation put me at peace.  It was a candid conversation with honesty and openness on both sides.  Serious and challenging questions that didn't have clean, easy answers were posed.  I believe the Lord gave me grace to answer honestly and respectfully.  I was very, very impressed with the way things were handled by those doing the question-asking.

I emerged from the conversation reassured of several things.

God is in control of my life.  I was created by Him and He has prepared good works for me to do in advance.  Whether it's this program or not, He has a plan for my life.  Yes, He is asking me out of the boat and to step on the water toward Him in faith by quitting my job without a plan in place of what's next.  Yes, He told me to run toward this opportunity -- but maybe it was about trusting Him and not this opportunity in particular being what's next in the plan.

I still hope to be accepted to this program I've applied to.  My conversation with the leader of the program had this paradoxical effect of making me want to learn from these people even more, and completely setting my mind at ease that if I am not accepted, that it is the right decision.

I have been told I will probably hear today.  I hope the answer is that, yes, I am accepted to the program.  I really, really want to be a part of this program, what the Lord is doing in a city that I love, and I want to learn from and be friends with the people in the program.  But if the answer is no, I know that this is not the plan God has for me.  I have peace that God's plan is something different.

And if I don't hear today, I can accept that as well.

God is sovereign over life everywhere -- even in the desert when we are wandering, waiting, and listening for His voice.  I want to trust Him everywhere.  No one likes the desert, but you sure do learn a lot out here.

EDITED TO ADD - The day I wrote this came and went and now it's Saturday.  I think the church takes Monday off since they work on Sundays -- so looks like I won't hear until at least Tuesday.  And while it's not what I had hoped or planned for, that is ok.

Grace will lead me home

Ever have a day where you feel like gum on the bottom of a shoe?  Just low, worthless, dirty, and gross?  Yeah, for me that's how last Friday started off (but, for the record, Friday ended up being a great day in the end).

I logged onto Facebook and saw all kinds of good news.

Former students celebrating 5 year wedding anniversaries.

Friends -- most my age or younger -- with kids celebrating birthdays.

Lots of folks whose kids were finishing their last days of school.

And while I was genuinely happy for everyone, here I was, single, kidless, still a renter, having recently quit my job without another one lined up.  I felt left behind, lapped, and just plain forgotten.  Long story short, I felt a like a failure.

Even though I absolutely know I am following what the Lord has for me, it's hard to feel like my life isn't like anyone else's sometimes.  I had just come off a rough week at a professional conference.  While I had many great friends there and really do love my profession, it was hard to be asked a lot of questions that I simply do not know the answer to.  Even harder was to listen to kind, well-meaning advice that I ultimately do not feel like the Lord wants me to do.  And it's hard to not really be able to explain myself or my situation to friends and coworkers who aren't believers.

So, here I was on Friday morning feeling badly about myself and just wondering, "Do you even remember I'm here Lord?  Why doesn't my life look like anyone else's?  What in the world are you going to do with me?"  Then I got a message from my mom.

This morning as I was walking Doc, I was thanking God for His blessings. I was also thinking about and praying for you [and Katie.] Then I saw this:

She went on to explain how the Lord immediately brought to mind the verse in Amazing Grace that says

Through many dangers, toils, and snares

I have already come

'Tis grace that brought me safe thus far

And grace will lead me home.

I may be rough and beat up like this chair, but it is the Lord and His grace that has led me through the storms.  He has gotten me to this point, and I know that His is grace will be what leads me home.  So great to know that the Lord has not forgotten me -- even when I can't sense Him or see Him moving.

He is showing me that He really is in the little things, and that nothing escapes His notice -- even someone having a pity party on a Friday morning in Arkansas.  His grace will lead me home.

So...what's next?

The word is out: I am not going up for tenure.  This means I have the option to be here one more year.  Honestly, I would not be surprised if this is my last year, though.  It is crazy.  It is sad.  But following the Lord isn't always easy, and I know for sure His plan is best -- even if I don't quite know what that plan is.

One of the parts about this that is hard is explaining what I'm doing to people -- particularly unbelievers.  Why am I not going up for tenure?

It's definitely not because I am afraid.

I am not afraid of this at all.  

God's power is made perfect in my weakness.

It's not because I don't want to stay here.

There are parts of the job that I don't like, but overall I enjoy it and want to stay here.  

I love Arkansas, I love IE, I love our students.  
Most of all, I want to see God move here.

I'm not going up for tenure because this is not what God has for me.

He wants me to give this up.

And while that's a little sad and not what I thought for a long time, He has made it clear: 

you're done here; this season is finished.

Not only do my unbelieving colleagues not understand this -- that this is not what God wants me to do -- this explanation begs an obvious question: so if God doesn't want you to go up for tenure, what does He want you to do instead?

To this I have to give an honest answer: I don't really know.  Unfortunately, the answer is not clear yet.  While I've applied for one program (which I am 100% sure the Lord wanted me to apply to), I won't find out about whether I am accepted until mid-June so there's definite uncertainty.  

Though the Lord hasn't made it clear what I will be doing, He has made several things clear...

He wants me to trust Him.  

He wants me to seek Him above answers.  

He will make this clear in His timing, not in mine.

He loves me, and has my best in mind.

He cares more about my character than my job.

He will provide.

He will speak to me, and show me what to do -- when it is time.

I really do believe that the Lord has shown me that I am in for an abrupt change in careers -- one that I did not expect, one that takes me 100% by surprise, and one that will use my natural wiring and spiritual gifts, but not my PhD or industrial engineering skills.  I also think He has shown me that I will need to learn to lean on Him and trust Him in a new way for my daily bread.  He has taught me to consider it all loss -- my six figure salary, my PhD, a fancy pants job -- for the surpassing worth of knowing and serving Jesus Christ my Lord.  And while that's uncomfortable and awkward, I lean in and believe He is going to work this together for my good, and He has a tremendous plan to use my life for His glory.  I will be excited to see what it is.  And, believe it or not, I am even getting excited to walk in it rather than being apprehensive or skeptical or afraid.

Game on.  Time to go all in.

Giving it all up

In the last few weeks, my life has changed like I never really thought it would.  I have been in graduate school pursuing a tenure track job or, after actually having the job, pursuing tenure for the last 11 years.  In the last month, my life has taken a hard left -- one that I didn't see coming, one that I didn't plan on or even think I wanted.

I am stepping off the tenure track and into an unknown future.  God is asking me to follow Him, and I am.

A few weeks ago, I felt God telling me to leave the profession of industrial engineering entirely.  

The profession I love.

The profession I've been learning about and/or teaching about for 15 years, nearly 50% of my life.

The only "real" job I've ever had.

God said to give it up.

I gulped hard and said -- "If you want me to, sure.  I want to follow you."

Over the course of the week, I felt like he was whispering to me saying, "I just wondered if you were willing."  I felt like I had a reprieve and that I could stay in industrial engineering.

But then, He called me to give up my job.  To give up my dream.  To take a paycut, and follow Him into an unknown future without a guaranteed job or security.  To leave the students and coworkers I've been praying for and investing in for six years.  And that is when it got hard.

To say, "Where you go I'll go!" is one thing.

To do it is something else.  And that involves risk, and a bit of trepidation. 

And if you loved what you've done, it involves sadness and grief.  But following God and walking in the path He has prepared for me is where the life is, and so it is where I choose to walk.

I have a job for 2013.  I don't anticipate knowing what I will do for awhile.  A sage friend told me to seek God above the answers, so that is what I am doing.  Wandering, seeking, and processing what has happened.

And at the core, this involves a gut-level trust that God's plan is better than my own and that He wants to get me where He wants me to go even worse than I want to get there.  Here's to what lies ahead--whatever that is.

God sent His son...here?

The news of the Sandy Hook massacre has hit me hard, as it has our entire country. This weekend was hard, and I spent a good chunk of it crying and asking God, "Why?" Every Christmas carol took on new meaning in light of this tragedy.

Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay 

Close by me forever, and love me, I pray; 

Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care, 

And fit us for Heaven to live with Thee there. 

The thought of God sending His son to die a painful, embarrassing, emotionally taxing death in our stead is unfathomable enough.  But this morning, collecting myself as I wiped the tears from my eyes and read about parents struggling to put their kids on busses and drop them off at day care centers, the Christmas story hit me from an entirely new angle.   Not only did God know what ultimately awaited His son, He sent Jesus to spend 33 years in this fallen world.  Our world of Sandy Hook and Columbine.  The world of the Holocaust and the Crusades.  Our world of Darfur and Rwanda and Gaza.  God sent His Son here, to live among us fallen and spiteful and mean people.

He knew Jesus would be bullied. 

He knew Jesus would hang out with and ultimately die for the Adam Lanzas and Jared Loughners of the day. 

He knew what hatred Jesus would see and experience.

God knew. 
And He sent His son anyway. 

So today, as we send our kids to schools we know can be unsafe, I remember that we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15).  God the Father knows how each parent who struggled to drop off kids this morning feels.  After all, He did a very similar thing for us 2000 years ago when He sent His Son Jesus to this Earth.

And this leaves me speechless, and I'm not even a parent.

Thank you. The words seem so inadequate -- and they are -- but they are all I have.  Gratitude and a life offered in submission to Jesus Christ.

Spiritual Warfare

Big things are happening.  Huge, actually.  It is crazy.

As big things are happening, I expect the spiritual warfare to pick up dramatically.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ~Ephesians 6:12

Satan is not happy that we have at least 10 new brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus, just this last week.  But we have authority over him.  Not only that, we do not even need to be afraid of him!

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.  For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love ~ 1 John 4:18

Do not be afraid, for you will not be put to shame!

Do not be intimidated, for you will not be humiliated!

You will forget about the shame you experienced in your youth;

you will no longer remember the disgrace of your abandonment ~ Isaiah 54:4

No weapon forged to be used against you will succeed;

you will refute everyone who tries to accuse you.

This is what the lord will do for his servants --

I will vidicate them, says the LORD ~Isaiah 54:17

I repeat, be strong and brave!  Don't be afraid and don't panic,

for I, the Lord your God, am with you in all that you do. ~ Joshua 1:9

As this movement spreads and gains momentum, please pray against the attacks of the enemy. 

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one in the world. ~ 1 John 4:4

Pray also for unity and likemindedness among the workers.

I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought. ~1 Corinthians 1:10

God is able.  God is willing.  Why not ask him for help?  Expecting HUGE things.

If my people who are called by my name will pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear their voice from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. ~ 2 Chronicles 7:14

Big  HUGE things update

• Last week 10 students accepted Christ through Cru alone.  I am still on a high from that.

• Our church has 200 seats.  Second service, there were 272 people.  Altogether across three services, there were about 650 people (3 services, 200 chairs/service -- you do the math).  I am asking God to stir the hearts of all who were there to reach out to their individual spheres of influence to win people to Christ.

• Two students contacted me about three different faculty members that they had been praying for. I am believing God for a harvest among my colleagues.

• One of the most difficult folks I work with has a student who has committed to praying for him/her.  This student is in the inner circle with said colleague, which is by no means insignificant.

• I had a student reach out to me for help, telling me he struggled with alcohol and wanted to start going to church.  Wow.

• I have been praying about a ministry for graduate students for awhile now.  There is just a HUGE hole when it comes to reaching this incredibly unique, unministered to, strategic group on campus.  Last night things lined up to start a Bible study for graduate students.  Awesome!