Psalms

I struggle with depression.  I think my first big bout of it was after my dad's arrest when I was in college, when I came to realize that my entire upbringing was a facade and any claim to spiritual leadership that my father had over our family was an absolute farce.  For awhile, I could not do anything besides the absolute essentials -- get out of bed, go to class, do homework -- and even those essentials were hard.

When I moved to Arkansas, I had a rough transition.  I've written about this a bit on my other blog, but the bottom line is that depression is something that I have to be very careful to manage and that can immobilize me if I am not careful.  This summer, I had another bout of depression and was reminded anew just how much that can suck.

Depression is not something it is generally ok to speak about in Christian circles.  I mean, we have joy in Christ!  God will deliver us!  God is faithful!  He is awesome!  All true.

But also, we have an enemy is the prince of this world and who is actively seeking to steal, kill, and destroy us.  We are promised that in this world, we will have trouble.  Not to mention the whole biological basis for depression...

Anyhow, this summer I really came to appreciate the Psalms and their brutal honesty.  If you are discouraged or depressed, read Psalms.  They are balm to the soul.  David called it like he saw it.

How long, LORD?  Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me.

Look on me and answer, LORD my God!

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

and my enemy will say "I have over come him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.  ~ Psalm 13:1-4

David was a man after God's own heart.  It sure wasn't because he was perfect!  He committed adultery.  He had someone murdered to cover it up.  He certainly wasn't perfect raising his kids.  And as we see above, it wasn't because he proclaimed the rainbows and butterflies happiness that comes serving God all the time.  He admitted when life was hard.  He talked to God in a way that even appears sort of rude and whiny!

Despite all this, he was a man after God's own heart.  Why?

Because he was honest.  His emotional honesty was at the core of who he was, and it was brutal.

Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD; Lord hear my voice.

Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. ~ Psalms 130:1-2

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;

A broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. ~ Psalm 51:15

May those who seek my life be disgraced and put to shame;

may those who plot my ruin be turned back in dismay. ~ Psalm 35:4

David admitted when he was sad.  He didn't rationalize it.  He didn't question himself or God, but he said "Dude, this sucks."  He asked for help from God.  He admitted when he was wrong, and asked God's help in fixing his sin and cleansing him.  In short -- he took everything to God.  EVERYTHING.  The joy and happiness and praise, yes.  But the yuckiness, the sadness, the hurt, the anger, and the shame too.  He knew God knew anyway, and he talked it out with him. I came to really appreciate this this summer.

Why do we sanitize our prayers so much?  I mean, do we think God doesn't know how we feel?  Are we too prideful to admit to others we're struggling?  Do we think it is sinful to feel things if they're not G-rated?

God created emotion.  It is a gift.  Ignoring it or muting it won't cause it to go away.  In fact, pushing down emotion can cause things to fester and ultimately burst in a gross, big scene.  I've been working to follow David's lead more and be brutally honest with God.  Not only can he handle it, he desires our honesty.  He desires our whole hearts, even the broken, nasty, hurting parts.  He wants to expose the dark places in our hearts to His light.  Only when we have an accurate appraisal of the real state of our heart can it be molded into the kind of heart God wants us to have.

Though being honest with God is only one step to being a woman after God's own heart, it is something I have become very committed to.

Big things update

• Last night we had youth group.  The topic was radical obedience.  One student said with regards to the topic, "This is really resonating with me.  I know exactly what you are talking about."  She committed to work to be radically obedient by not being so "sharp" with her words at home. Another who rarely engages and who actively works to disengage even contributed to the conversation and committed to working to be radically obedient at school.  They are opening up and asking me good questions.  You can tell they think I know what I am talking about.  Huge answers to prayer.
• So far, just through Cru, 4 students have come to know Christ at the University of Arkansas.  I am praying for an average of three students/week.  Two were Razorback athletes.  Praying for a bumper crop this year!
• Last night, again just through Cru, 225 freshmen attended Bible studies.  Just freshmen.  That was one in 20 freshmen!  At one ministry!  Praying for other ministries on campus (StuMo, Navs, etc) to experience record success as well!
• After a dearth of input from older spiritual leaders in my life, a (new) friend has agreed to meet with me twice a month.  I am looking forward to this a lot, and am certain I will learn a lot from her.  Huge answer to prayer.