Mars Hill and Mark Driscoll

I actually started out my last post to write all about Mark Driscoll and what has happened at Mars Hill.  I didn't feel like I could adequately explain why I care so much without giving some of my own background, so that's what the last post was all about -- now back to why I started writing.

Watching this whole Mark Driscoll thing unfold -- from a distance and on the internet -- has caused all of the feels.  

Why do I care so much?! 

How could Mark Driscoll think he could get away with this for so long?

I'm so glad someone called the emporer naked.  This serves him right.

God please help Mark Driscoll and his family.
How could any woman stomach being married to this guy when he does not value women?!?

God please help the victims of the spiritual abuse suffered at the hands of Mars Hill.

OMG what a black eye on the body of Christ.

This is what I could be if I don't check pride at the door.

There but for the grace of God go I.

Jesus be near.

In short, I don't know what to think.  I am glad he has resigned.  The more information that comes out, the deeper it seems that the black hole goes.  It's sad.  I'm so sad for the women and others who suffered spiritual abuse either directly in his hands or in the environment he helped to create -- an environment of misogyny, bullying, and authoritarianism.

It shows me how grace matters.  It shows me how destructive environments that promote Jesus yet do not extend grace can be.  It shows me how actions have consequences.  And it is yet another illustration that a person's gifiting -- communication, rallying people behind an idea, etc. -- can destroy them in the spotlight if their character is not strong enough to sustain their calling.

Yet I'd be hardpressed not to see a bit of myself in him.  It's the perfect illustration of what can happen if you surround yourself with people who unilaterally agree with you and won't call you on your issues.  It's a reality check, both to the body of Christ and to me.  I hope we never have people hurt in the hands of spiritual leaders -- particularly those lauded by those around them -- again.  I pray that God is developing my character so that whatever sphere of influence I end up in -- large or small -- my character is not insufficient to sustain me.

It's all just really sad to me.  And I do hope Mark Driscoll heals and is restored -- but I also hope that he truly repents so there is not even more collateral damage and more victims of spiritual abuse.

Spiritual Abuse

I grew up in a series of dysfunctional churches.  From the onset, let me acknowledge that churches are made of people -- all imperfect -- and are therefore by definition imperfect.  I know that and am firmly committed to one such church now.  But the churches I grew up in were, like, REALLY dysfunctional.

I remember never feeling like I fit in church -- like I was a square peg in a round hole.  I remember the shaming of women, like when two girls in our church got pregnant and both had to "confess" in front of the congregation while there were no repercussions for the baby daddies.  I remember a drummer in another church who had three babies by two different women in our church all before he was 18.  I remember being made to feel like my intelligence was a liability.  I remember my mom crying in the car because going to church hurt too much, but making us go inside anyway.  I remember when our pastor had an affair with another staff member, causing her to "resign", while there was no confession on his part.  Basically, I remember chaos, confusion, and hurt when I think of growing up in church -- all while being made to feel inferior because I was a woman and rebellious because I would ask questions.

Understandably, it left me with a bad taste in my mouth as a child on into my early thirties -- one that I now realize as an adult was shame, anger, judgement, and a feeling of cognitive dissonance.  I felt like I could not trust God Himself because, at least if He was anything like His representatives, He was not kind and He sort of thought women were out to get Him.  He also didn't like independent thinkers.

All of this me hurt, wounded, and broken.  God over time and in His own sweet, gentle ways has healed these wounds and has made me whole again.  For this, I am both in awe and unspeakably grateful.  It's incredible how He has done that.

It's taken time, but God does not do sloppy work.  He doesn't cut corners and His healing is complete.  I know and believe that He will use ALL of this for my good and for His glory.

God's Plan is SO MUCH BIGGER than Our Own

A bit over a year ago, one of my coworkers retired leaving holes in our ability to teach some of our required courses.  He quit as close to the beginning of the semester as possible, which didn't leave my boss much time to come up with a plan to cover these courses.  Because three other people had left too, my boss really had limited options as to what to do to get everything covered.

She approached me and told me I would need to teach a course called Methods and Standards.  While I agreed,  I was skeptical. (what choice did I have, really? not to mention that I wanted to help us stay afloat on turbulent waters...)

I never had this class in school -- as in, I literally didn't even understand what the title of the course meant when I was assigned to teach it.  Yeah.  Clueless.  As I dug into learning the material, I realized that while I knew a bit more than I originally gave myself credit for but this was still a major stretch out of my comfort zone and area of expertise for sure.  Nonetheless, I did my best, worked to learn the material, and it actually turned out really well -- the students learned a lot and used what they learned in internships and co-ops and have written to tell me so more so than for any other course I've taught. My teaching evaluations turned out well too.

Last year was supposed to be my last year at Arkansas, and our department had an ambitious plan to hire three faculty members to cover some of the vacancies that had been created by people leaving.  However out of the 150+ applicants, for various reasons we were only able to hire one person.  Upon realizing that we were going to be short staffed again this year, my boss' first words were -- literally -- "Well who is going to teach methods?"

And that's a part of how I came to be offered another year's contract to stay on to teach at the University of Arkansas as a clinical faculty member.

God assures us in His word that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.  He promises us that He has a wonderful plan for each of our lives.  It's really hard not to marvel at the detail of the intricacy of the plans as they unfold and plan out.

In the last week or two, God has been showing me that some of the things that we think are the crappiest and the biggest mistakes and derailments -- teaching Methods, for example -- are actually exactly the things that He uses to position us and keep us where He wants us.  The things we view as liabilities are actually strategic positioning.  How gracious of Him to show me that as I continue to face challenges and things that I think, "Woof, this completely sucks and is not ideal!"

My boss said she would never hire an instructor, ever.  But she did.  And it was because I could teach methods.  It was because God's plan had given me an advantage I could never have created for myself, wouldn't have chosen, and initially didn't want to or think I could do.  He is funny that way.

My perspective is all wrong.  I know in part, and am just seeing in part.  God has a plan and it is far greater than I can comprehend with many more moving pieces than I could ever understand.  Knowing this helps me to trust Him as He leads me to do hard, confusing, and scary things.

Dying to Self

I haven't written much here.  Nothing feels right to write, so I haven't written.

This has been a season of being stretched and grown.  I know that God is in it, and I continue to lean in -- but each night as I go to bed, I feel stretched, I feel tired, and I feel relief that I've made it through another day.  God is teaching Me that He is growing me and expanding my capacity -- but that is happening through working really hard, feeling overwhelmed at times, and dealing with tough situations at work, at home, and in my friendships.  My season right now feels a lot like what Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 4:8.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Yet I see God at work.  I know that He is preparing me for what lies ahead -- whatever that is.  I know that His plan is greater, and I choose to trust Him in that.  I choose to believe that every challenge, every frustration, every tough day is making me just a little bit more like Jesus.  I am choosing to die to myself daily so that I can be more like Him.  I don't do it perfectly, but everyday I'm getting just a little bit better at it and everyday it is becoming just a little bit easier.