2014

This year.  This year was all kinds of amazing, hard, stretching and ultimately, good.  At the beginning of the year, I felt God impressing strongly on me that I needed to focus 2014 on TRUST.  I didn't understand the fullness of what that meant (and probably still don't), but I can say without a doubt God helped to grow me in this area.  Trusting in God includes trusting in His plans, timing and most of all His character -- that it is unchanging, that He is faithful, and that He is worthy of being trusted.

At the beginning of the year I had no idea what I was going to do for a job beyond May, and I felt strongly impressed to wait and not actively pursue career opportunities.  The prospect of staying at Arkansas was not an option -- my boss had explicitly said so.  Yet in a series of not to be believed, impossible events, I ended up getting an offer to stay at Arkansas -- one with much less security and that is a hit to the ego and to the finances, but one that is well-suited to my interests and desire to interact with students.  Through the chaos and uncertainty of it all, God was teaching me that He is faithful, that I could hear His voice, and that -- even if it didn't look like I expected -- that He is trustworthy and that He will provide where there is no way.

This summer was awesome in ways I can't describe.  For the first time since I started working about 20 years ago, I had the summer off.  It helped me to retool and recharge from a stressful semester.  It provided me margin to think, to dream, to connect with friends, and to feed myself spiritually and emotionally.  It helped me to get perspective on where I was in life.  During this time I realized that discipleship pastoring was not going to be a career path with a job title for me; instead, I sensed God is leading me to continue in academia and serve industrial engineering students, in some way discipling and spiritually shepherding them there.  I still don't have clarity on what that will look like, but I can see that God is expanding my vision and training me in this season so that I will be ready to step to do what He calls me to do when, where, and how He calls me to do it.

Then out of the blue I was approached with a professional opportunity that was a once-in-a-blue-moon kind of a thing that I would be crazy not to pursue.  After a confusing situation where I ended up not getting the job, I just felt the Lord saying "trust Me; I will order your steps and open doors no man can open, and shut the ones no one can shut either."  And so, I do and in the fall I began another year at the University of Arkansas teaching our industrial engineering students.

I quickly realized that teaching three classes per semester instead of one or two was no joke.  I was exhausted and working harder than I can ever remember working.  I felt the Lord telling me, "This is about capacity building" -- and boy, was it ever.  I felt stretched and ultimately that resulted in growth.  I felt the Lord repeating the word "steadfast" --  to do a good job even when it is not always appreciated, valued, or guaranteed to lead to the next step.  I learned to rely on God in new and harder ways.  And then, as though it were a final exam, at the end of the year I felt God asking me to go home to Ohio for a day or two at Christmas.  And although I was terrified and skeptical, it was a good step and I was grateful I went.  Yes, God really can be trusted -- even when He asks us to do hard, counterintuitive things; even when He strips away layers of worldly security; even when it doesn't make sense and is confusing.

In 2014, I learned so much.  Like really learned it, having it travel from my head to my heart.

That God is faithful.
That His grace fills in the gaps.
That He is trustworthy.
That He is good -- really good -- and that His character is unchanging.

This year was one of growth;  I can say without a doubt that I am in a better place at the end of 2014 than I was at the beginning.  Not sure what 2015 has in store, but I am looking forward to it.  Even if it is hard, I know that it is worth it and that these lessons are critical to learn now.  God continues to develop my character so, when the time is right, He can release me into my calling.  I am working hard to be a good student of these lessons.

Through

This has been a tough semester.  Looking through the archives, this seems to be a theme for the last several years.

My dad was arrested again, likely to serve the rest of his living days in prison.  In the meantime he is on house arrest.  I'm doing nearly twice the work for about half of the money.  I've dealt with some of the most frustrating, challenging students and student issues I've faced since I started this job seven years ago this semester.  One of my closest friends has essentially been out of the picture, dealing with his own issues; his absence hurts a lot.  Last week, one of my brother's closest friends from high school and college was sentenced to six months in jail and will be branded a sex offender for the rest of his life.  I'm still living in a space that's not my own, with 95% of my stuff in storage.  The estrangement in our family looms large with the stuff going on with my dad and with my first nephew on the way.

On the plus side, a former roommate got married a few weeks ago and one of my dearest friends got engaged last night.  And while I've been excited for them, it's hard to swing the emotional pendulum to the other side without collapsing into a puddle of tears.

It just feels like a whole lot -- and it is.  But God is sustaining me, and for that I'm so grateful.

As I've walked this road this semester, God has been showing me that I've just got to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

I can't pretend it's not there or ignore it.

I can't wait it out or stare it down and expect things to magically change or resolve themselves.

I can't -- at least in this set of situations -- ask for deliverance and immediate teleportation to the other side.

I can't go around.

I must go through.

I must resolutely fix my eyes on Jesus and walk right through the middle of valley of the shadow of death.  I lean on His promises that His rod and staff will guide, comfort, and protect Me.  I take Him at His word when He says that He will ultimately give me beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning.  I trust that He will use this story somehow, and that He will work all things together for good -- both mine and ultimately His.

I'm not at a place where I can speak in broad platitudes or offer universally applicable advice, but if you're facing things you have no idea how you'll make it through, keep going.  Walk through.  God is with you, and you will make it.  He will sustain you.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When ou walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43:2-3a

Musings on a Broken Dad

I think I can say without a doubt that December 24, 2002 was the worst day of my life.  The year had been a tough one: finding out my dad had lived a secret life I knew nothing about for the first 21 years of my life, finding out he was arrested and ultimately sentenced to 6 months in jail, and ending up on academic probation my first semester of graduate school in part because it was hard and in part because I was so preoccupied and distracted from everything going on in my family.  The whole year was a tough one -- but without a doubt, the hardest day of my life was December 24, 2002.

The sting of learning I'd be on academic probation was still fresh.  The enormity of everything I'd learned about in my family's past still loomed large over me.  But on Christmas Eve as I waited to see my dad in his orange jumpsuit for 15 minutes, it was the lowest I have ever felt in my life.  I felt the embarrassment and shame of his crime.  I felt the crushing loss of innocence.  I felt the loss of everything I'd felt was the truth of my childhood, knowing it was a fake veneer that covered the truth of who my dad was.

As I held his Christmas gift -- gray sweats I'd bought from Walmart, the only jail-approved alternatives to the orange jumpsuit -- in my hands that day I wondered, "What has my life become?  Will it ever be normal again?"

Over time, things became more normal.  My dad was released from jail and, although he never matured into an emotionally present adult, I learned to live with it.  I went through counseling and spent lots of time with Jesus working to unravel and understand and make sense of my life.  I eventually believed that my dad's choices truly were his own and in no way were a reflection on my past and were not leading me to an inevitable future where I would repeat his mistakes.  Basically, I both came to terms with my past and realized that I could live a future that is fully aware of what had happened, yet not overshadowed or defined by it.  And that was freeing.

But every few years, it feels like something rips the band aid off of the wound that has been healing in my heart for years.  It stings and is a fresh reminder of the pain that is there.

This week my dad was rearrested -- this time for four felonies, not a misdemeanor.  This time, there is DNA evidence linking him to the crime.  This time -- if he pleads guilty and there's not a plea deal for something less serious -- we are talking years in prison, not months in jail.  And that's just all really hard to process, especially given that he's already 70 and his health is not great.  It's hard not to play that all out to some pretty obvious logical conclusions.

This week has been a fresh reminder of how broken my dad is and how hard all of this is.  It has been a fresh reminder of how much all of this hurts when it's right in your face.  At the same time, what I can say is that I am in a much better place to deal with it all this time.  I am surrounded by a great group of people who are my friends and who love me unconditionally.  I more fully understand that God uses ALL THINGS  -- even the shitty, heartbreaking things like this -- together for His good.

This has been the hardest week I've had in 4-5 years, but God has been faithful through it all.  I would appreciate your prayers for our family because this has been one hell of a week and this storm is likely to get a bit worse before it gets better.  And while it is very very fragile and just a dim flicker at this point, I do hold out hope that my dad will come to understand the both weight of his issues and that he will come to know and turn his issues over to Jesus.  I pray that even in his old age, he will experience some healing.  Please pray for our family; we need it.

God's Plan is SO MUCH BIGGER than Our Own

A bit over a year ago, one of my coworkers retired leaving holes in our ability to teach some of our required courses.  He quit as close to the beginning of the semester as possible, which didn't leave my boss much time to come up with a plan to cover these courses.  Because three other people had left too, my boss really had limited options as to what to do to get everything covered.

She approached me and told me I would need to teach a course called Methods and Standards.  While I agreed,  I was skeptical. (what choice did I have, really? not to mention that I wanted to help us stay afloat on turbulent waters...)

I never had this class in school -- as in, I literally didn't even understand what the title of the course meant when I was assigned to teach it.  Yeah.  Clueless.  As I dug into learning the material, I realized that while I knew a bit more than I originally gave myself credit for but this was still a major stretch out of my comfort zone and area of expertise for sure.  Nonetheless, I did my best, worked to learn the material, and it actually turned out really well -- the students learned a lot and used what they learned in internships and co-ops and have written to tell me so more so than for any other course I've taught. My teaching evaluations turned out well too.

Last year was supposed to be my last year at Arkansas, and our department had an ambitious plan to hire three faculty members to cover some of the vacancies that had been created by people leaving.  However out of the 150+ applicants, for various reasons we were only able to hire one person.  Upon realizing that we were going to be short staffed again this year, my boss' first words were -- literally -- "Well who is going to teach methods?"

And that's a part of how I came to be offered another year's contract to stay on to teach at the University of Arkansas as a clinical faculty member.

God assures us in His word that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.  He promises us that He has a wonderful plan for each of our lives.  It's really hard not to marvel at the detail of the intricacy of the plans as they unfold and plan out.

In the last week or two, God has been showing me that some of the things that we think are the crappiest and the biggest mistakes and derailments -- teaching Methods, for example -- are actually exactly the things that He uses to position us and keep us where He wants us.  The things we view as liabilities are actually strategic positioning.  How gracious of Him to show me that as I continue to face challenges and things that I think, "Woof, this completely sucks and is not ideal!"

My boss said she would never hire an instructor, ever.  But she did.  And it was because I could teach methods.  It was because God's plan had given me an advantage I could never have created for myself, wouldn't have chosen, and initially didn't want to or think I could do.  He is funny that way.

My perspective is all wrong.  I know in part, and am just seeing in part.  God has a plan and it is far greater than I can comprehend with many more moving pieces than I could ever understand.  Knowing this helps me to trust Him as He leads me to do hard, confusing, and scary things.

Summer 2014

This summer -- a midlife sabbatical.  This was the first time in more than 20 years that I have had a summer off with no job or real responsibilities, and it was good.

How can I sum it up in a simple blog post?  It was a time of rest.  It was a time of refreshing.  There were hard times.  It was a summer of relationships and reading and reflection.  And I needed it.  I didn't know how badly I needed it until I had it.

This summer I regained the ability to "sleep in" -- if we can call sleeping until 8:00 or 8:30 sleeping in.  This summer I spent time with friends, and came to realize just how blessed I am to have incredible friends who are supportive, honest, who encourage me, and who love me.  Great friends who love me enough to be there and share the good times, but who also love me enough tell me the truth even when I don't want to hear it.  This summer I spent a lot of time by myself and with the Lord, thinking, processing, praying, and asking direction for what comes next.  This summer I began developing gifts that I didn't know I had, and began putting them to use at the Joppa House.  This summer I spent a lot of time outside -- in parks, at Crystal Bridges, and on the lazy river.  This summer, the Lord gave me a new vision and outlook on how discipleship and industrial engineering and academia can go together.

And although the summer wasn't without its hard parts and low moments, this was a summer of Selah.  It gave me the space to think and reflect.  It gave me time to unwind and feel refreshed.  It gave me time to remember what is important and to think and pray about what comes next.

Although I am struggling with the idea of the summer ending and starting back up to school in a week (with the students returning the following week), I am thankful for this job -- the one that my boss said she would never create and that is clearly the hand of the Lord providing for me.  I am thankful to head into the school year with renewed vision and with a greater understanding that God is at work.  I may not understand how or what exactly He is doing, but I know enough to know that these puzzle pieces that are moving into place are moving at His direction and at the sound of His voice.  And I trust Him in that, and know that His plans are good.

Not looking back

A friend who is in the midst of life and career transitions asked she could pick my brain about career stuff.  While I happily agreed, I thought it a bit ironic since I feel like the only advice I feel qualified to give at this point is about how to light a match to your career and watch it go up in flames.  I wasn't sure what exactly to expect or what I had to offer.  I just prayed and left the results of our coffee date up to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Of course, He did not fail (duh uh).  The meeting went well.  It was validating to hear that not everyone buys into the notion of a swanky, prestigious career over more traditional priorities.  I felt understood hearing how she struggled with all of the demands that she felt pulling her in different directions, and how she fundamentally refused to be defined by a career or a position above her values, faith, or sense of obligation to those she cared about.

Near the end of the meeting, she asked me a question that I hadn't thought of before.  She asked, "Sarah, do you ever look back and question your decision to walk away?"

To my surprise, I had zero hesitation and I knew the answer immediately.

"No,"  I responded confidently.

To be honest, I was surprised.  Even in the most confusing, toughest times of waiting out the uncertainty, I never questioned my decision to leave my job.  There were definitely times where I mourned the loss of a life plan and the faulty illusion that I used to have that I was in control of my life and where it was going.  However, even in the toughest times I never once thought, "OMG this was a mistake."

What a gracious thing that the Lord used to reassure me that I am walking on the path that He has for me.  While I have no idea where it's going or what lies ahead, I trust that the Lord has me on His path.  I trust that I am walking in the plan that He has for me and that that they are good -- even when I don't understand them or even know what they are.

And I am grateful to realize that even at my most confused and frustrated and impatient, I do not look back.  May my trust continue to grow as I walk in the plans He has for me.  May I wait with confident expectation, knowing that even the most shocking, unlikely, difficult things do not catch Him by surprise.  May I wholeheartedly believe to the absolute core of who I am that He will work all things together for my good as I love Him and walk in the call He has on my life.

Trust - May 2014 update

I wrote earlier this year about how I felt like the Lord wanted me to focus on TRUST in 2014 -- trusting Him more, and viewing everything through that lens.  While I wasn't sure exactly what I was supposed to trust Him with, I felt like it probably had to do with my job, career, and vocational future.

Certainly, in some ways that has been part of what it's been about -- having a new boss all of a sudden, being asked to stay in a modified version of my current role instead of making a huge vocational transition like I'd felt like God was leading me to, and just having one year of a plan (and not even having that be official yet).  Now while in some respect that's been crazy, in many other respects that's been just the beginning.

I entered the year with four solid single girl friends; two are now engaged and it would not surprise me at all if the other two are by the end of the year.  This leaves me as the only single post-college person in my social circle.  And while there have been hard moments, God has been clear: TRUST ME.  Trust me with the timing and my provision of a spouse for you.

This has also been a year of transitions when it's come to my friendships.  One of my friendships crumbled which was tough and uncomfortable.  Another friendship took an unexpectedly serious, deep turn -- which was surprising and while it happened a bit scary (but is now ultimately good).  One of my best friends is moving to India for most of the rest of the year.  Again, the Lord has asked me to trust Him, to believe that His plans are good, and to trust that He will provide.

I've also continued to live with a generous family in my community group -- and while they've been great and super generous, it's been weird to be 34, sharing a bathroom with two teenagers, and living with most of my stuff in storage in a spare bedroom.  But God says, TRUST ME so I am and believing that I will find the right roommate, housing situation, or place to buy in His timing.

What I know is that God is faithful and that nothing catches Him by surprise.  What I know is that He has a plan and purpose in each of these situations.  He is developing my character, and time spent learning to trust Him is well spent.  May I be a good student of these lessons now, and a good steward and teacher of these lessons in the future.

And then, it got crazier.

Yesterday we got an e-mail at 4:30 PM from my boss' boss.

"Please come to this meeting at 8:30 AM tomorrow.  I am traveling, so I can't join you in person but I will dial in to meet with you you.  If you can't join us in person, please call in to our conference."

Urgent news, no hint what the meeting was about?  Cryptic.  Strange.  Flipping through the mental roladex of ideas about what the meeting could possibly be about, I came up empty.  No idea.

This morning I found out that effective immediately, my boss was no longer my boss.  She has been tapped to be an interim dean*.  Wow.  Alrighty then.  This boss -- the one who unofficially offered me the opportunity to stay on again next year, the one who has been so supportive and helpful during my career here -- may or may not be coming back to serve in her current capacity.

I have no idea where this leaves me for next year.  I have no idea what will happen from here.  I keep thinking that this year has been the craziest year ever and that there is no way that we can work with even more of a skeleton crew; there are no more curve balls that can possibly be thrown.

Wrong.  With less than a month remaining in the semester, the events in our department take another unexpected turn.  We had 17 faculty members last year.  Now we've lost a sixth (not to mention a seventh is out on maternity leave).

This. is. crazy.

Will I be extended another offer?  Who knows.  I keep reminding myself, "This does not catch the Lord by surprise.  He knew this, and will sustain me.  I can trust Him with my future.  He has a good plan for my life."  But seriously, this is cray cray.

*It is a promotion and I am happy for her.  She will be good at the job, and is well-deserving of the recognition.

Sad sad sad

Life is just crazy, and things have been an emotional roller coaster these days -- things at work, things at home, things in my personal life.  Everything seems like it's up in the air or hard or sad.

Coworkers having biopsies.

Life at home continuing to be messy for my parents.

The stars aligning for (another) (im)perfect storm at work next year.
No news on what comes next for me professionally or vocationally.
Students with advanced cancer struggling personally and financially.
An emotionally absent father who just turned 70 and still acts like he's five.
Still living with a family and not having a home of my own to invite people to or cook in.
Assuming extra jobs at work because we are so short staffed and having to take things day by day (even though I feel like the things I do are not valued or appreciated, or helpful to me personally or professionally).
Looming unemployment, bringing with it the end of health insurance, retirement contribution, and a sense of structure to my days.
The loss of a close friendship that still stings (and if I'm honest, sometimes makes me mad).
Students losing parents and grandparents.

It's tough.  I'm exhausted.  Today after an especially heavy faculty meeting, I just want to cry.

Yet as I write this, I am reminded that God says that His strength is made perfect in weakness; He bottles each of my tears; He has written my story before the foundation of time and will work things together for my good; and that I need to work as though I am working unto the Lord.

In short, I need to trust Him.  In the face of all of this, I have no other choice.  Life is so hard.  I have no idea how people make it through without Jesus.

Trusting the Lord to Order Our Steps

I just got back from a trip with my friend Emily to Disney World.  It was a great (and much needed) respite from a crazy, challenging, very difficult semester.  Like so much this semester (and schoolyear actually), the trip there was not smooth.

We were supposed to leave Arkansas around 1 PM on Thursday and arrive in Florida around 8 PM.  Our flight was cancelled for wind and bottom line was were were not sure if we were going to make it on Thursday or not.  I silently prayed that we would make it.  I figured God knew how much I needed this vacation, how tightly I was wound, and how hard things had been and that the obvious thing was to get me out of Arkansas for a few days ASAP.

My good friend Emily instead prayed, "Lord, please order our steps.  We trust you."

Immediate conviction.  Yes, isn't this year all about me learning to trust in the Lord's plans?  Didn't the Holy Spirit tell me at the beginning of the year that learning to trust Him was my primary learning objective?  Doesn't God control even the wind and the resulting flight cancellations?  He knew about all of this; I had just forgotten about that.

We did make it to Florida that night (well, the next morning at 2 AM).  We had a full, memorable, fun trip that I will always treasure.  The Lord was in the details and, indeed, ordered our steps -- we experienced favor and the Lord's divine timing throughout the entire trip.  We got to do everything we wanted to multiple times, and still had a chance to go back to our hotel rooms to relax and sleep in the afternoons.  Most meaningful to me, though, was the ways in which the Lord grew my relationship with a good friend with whom I now have even more fun memories.

Emily is a fun, encouraging, Godly friend who teaches me so much -- including how to trust God not only with big things like my vocation and my future, but even with the details of flight arrangements and my leisure time, and knowing that God knows what my bandwidth is and will make sure all of my emotional and mental health needs are richly and abundantly supplied.

Courage and Waiting patiently for the Lord

I've been listening to the Psalms as I fall asleep for the last week or so.  I love it.  Last night Psalm 27:14 jumped out at me.

Wait patiently for the Lord.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

It is incredibly comforting to me to know that waiting takes courage.  Prior to the last year, I would have said that waiting would be a time of rest or a time to just chill and relax.  However I'd now acknowledge how difficult it is.  This year of waiting for the Lord to direct me to whatever is next in my job, life, and profession has been hard.  I've been tempted to jump the gun or to hustle to make things happen -- but the Lord has been clear to tell me that I need to just be quiet, to listen for His voice, and to trust Him.   Basically, to wait patiently for the Lord like it says in this Psalm.

And it has required bravery and courage to stare down uncertainty and unemployment and finite resources and closed doors to say, "I trust God more than I trust in these circumstances."  It is nice to feel acknowledged and validated in that -- to know that waiting takes bravery and courage, and not just time and patience.  I will wait patiently for the Lord -- bravely and courageously. He will reveal what is next in His perfect timing.  In the meantime He will develop not only patience in me, but bravery and courage as well.  And that is awesome.

Insecurity

In general, I would say that I have a pretty healthy sense of confidence.  In fact, if I'm not careful this confidence gets out of control and bubbles up into pride, and that's not any good for anyone.  But, in general, no self esteem issues for this girl.

I'll tell you what, though, the uncertainty of what's going to happen next in my life has really thrown me for a loop.  It has also brought insecurities to the surface that I didn't know were there.  When other people are doing jobs I think I'd be better at, I find myself judging them.  When other people get good news that I think I could have benefitted from, I find myself jealous instead of being able to celebrate with them.  I find myself seeking out certain people's blog posts or social media postings sometimes so I can read them, judge them, and feel better than them.

What is wrong with me?!?

As I think about it and pray that the Lord removes this ugliness from me, I am forced with the truth: these are all insecurities and fear surfacing in my life.  I am wanting to walk in the plans that the Lord has for other people since those paths are known and relatively certain rather than waiting for the Lord to reveal the plans He has for my life.  I find myself wanting to find value in my talents and abilities to perform relative to other people rather than finding my value in the way God has made me, and appreciating the way God has made everyone else.  That's not good.  And that has to change.

Going to have to turn that over to the Lord and trust Him help me walk in my identity in Him.  I want to celebrate and help others walk in the giftings, personalities, and successes the Lord has given them; I don't want to tear them down or not appreciate them.  To do that, though, I need to be rock-solid-secure in my identity in Christ -- the way He has (and hasn't) made me and the fact that my value comes from Him alone, not in what I can (or can't) do, especially relative to other people.

2014: The Year of Trust

I've never been big on making New Year's Resolutions.  However, I'm a fan of the idea of strategically selecting one word and letting that word frame your year (more about the idea on this site).  A week or two ago, I felt like the Lord was telling me I needed to do this.

Just as quickly, I felt Him telling me that my word for 2014 needed to be trust.  So, this year I am focusing on learning to trust the Lord.  I don't know exactly what that will look like, but I trust that the Lord will reveal what it means and will look like to trust Him (that got a little meta for a hot second...).

I will trust the Lord with His plans for my career.

I will trust the Lord with all of the resources He has blessed me with.

I will trust the Lord to bring me into a relationship with the right people at the right time.

I will trust the Lord above having a plan.

I will trust the Lord will reveal to me what I need to trust Him with, and what that looks like.

You're supposed to pick a verse to help you frame your year with one word that reinforces the theme.  I felt immediately drawn to Phillipians 2:13, so this is my primary verse for this year.

God is at work in your life, giving you the desire and power to do what pleases Him.

I just need to trust the truth of this passage, and not doubt its reality in my life.  Here's to 2014 -- I know that the Lord will really teach me about trust this year.  Although my tendency when I think about that is to tense up and fear the process a little bit -- sort of like I did with development -- the Lord has shown me that I need not fear the process.  I can trust and not be afraid like it says in Isaiah 12:2, so that is my plan.

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.