Wrapping up a year of reading

This year, I think reading was my lifeline.  It helped me to escape.  It helped me to learn.  It helped me to relax.  It helped me when I was people-d out.  In so many ways, reading (and writing) helped me this year.  Reading has become a part of who I am; I am a lover of Jesus, a lover of people (but an introvert, so don't get too crazy), a friend, a learner, and a reader.

I started out wanting to read 50 books this year; about one a week.  As I neared that goal early in the summer (the amazing summer without a job and full of relaxation), I realized I might be able to do 100 books in a year.  With two days left in 2014, I'm calling it.  The final count for the year is 117.  I would never have guessed that I would have been able to read so many books, or that I would have enjoyed it so much.  I would have never guessed it would have become a lifeline in a stressful and hectic season of life; a way to survive when life outside felt out of control and unbelievably stressful.  But it has been so good.

Without further ado, here are the books I've read since I last updated my list (and the list before).  Once again, my favorites are bolded.

1. Unstoppable: Running the Race you were Born to Win by Christine Caine
2. The Giver by Lois Lowry
3. Finding Blue by Lois Lowry
4. Messenger by Lois Lowry
5. Son by Lois Lowry
6. I Like Giving by Brad Formosma
7. The Story of Marriage by John and Lisa Bevere
8. Fire and Fragrance: From the Great Commandment to the Great Commission by Sean Feucht and Andy Byrd
9. Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card
10. Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis
11. Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis
12. How I Changed my Mind about Women in Leadership: Compelling Stories from Prominent Evangelicals edited by Alan F. Johnson
13. Making Vision Stick by Andy Stanley
14. God’s Whisper Manifesto by Andi Cumbo
15. From this Day Forward: Five Commitments to Fail-Proof Your Marriage by Craig and Amy Groeschel
16. Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet: Tasting the Goodness of God in All Things by Sara Hagerty
17. Speak by Nish Weiseth
18. The Invisible Girls by Sarah Thebarge
19. Let’s All Be Brave: Living Life with Everything You Have by Annie Downs
20. God Knows my Name: Never Forgotten, Forever Loved by Beth Redman
21. Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones
22. A Life of Miracles by Don Schulze
23. You’ll Get Through This by Max Lucado
24. God is Able by Priscilla Shirer
25. A Story Unfinished: 99 Days with Eliot by Matt Mooney
26. Heidi by Joanna Spyri
27. The Hardest Peace by Kara Tippetts
28. Connected by Erin Davis
29. Tables in the Wilderness by Preston Yancey
30. Living Courageously: You Can Face Anything, Just Do It Afraid by Joyce Meyer
31. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
32. Mended by Angie Smith
33. The Beauty of Broken by Elisa Morgan
34. The Millennials by Thom S. Rainer and Jess W. Rainer
35. Wild: from Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed
36. Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption by Laura Hillenbrand
37. The Body of Christopher Creed by Carol Plum-Ucci
38. Title Pending: Things I Think About when I Make Stuff by Justin McRoberts
39. Eight Twenty Eight: When Love Didn’t Give Up by Larissa and Ian Murphy

Through

This has been a tough semester.  Looking through the archives, this seems to be a theme for the last several years.

My dad was arrested again, likely to serve the rest of his living days in prison.  In the meantime he is on house arrest.  I'm doing nearly twice the work for about half of the money.  I've dealt with some of the most frustrating, challenging students and student issues I've faced since I started this job seven years ago this semester.  One of my closest friends has essentially been out of the picture, dealing with his own issues; his absence hurts a lot.  Last week, one of my brother's closest friends from high school and college was sentenced to six months in jail and will be branded a sex offender for the rest of his life.  I'm still living in a space that's not my own, with 95% of my stuff in storage.  The estrangement in our family looms large with the stuff going on with my dad and with my first nephew on the way.

On the plus side, a former roommate got married a few weeks ago and one of my dearest friends got engaged last night.  And while I've been excited for them, it's hard to swing the emotional pendulum to the other side without collapsing into a puddle of tears.

It just feels like a whole lot -- and it is.  But God is sustaining me, and for that I'm so grateful.

As I've walked this road this semester, God has been showing me that I've just got to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

I can't pretend it's not there or ignore it.

I can't wait it out or stare it down and expect things to magically change or resolve themselves.

I can't -- at least in this set of situations -- ask for deliverance and immediate teleportation to the other side.

I can't go around.

I must go through.

I must resolutely fix my eyes on Jesus and walk right through the middle of valley of the shadow of death.  I lean on His promises that His rod and staff will guide, comfort, and protect Me.  I take Him at His word when He says that He will ultimately give me beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning.  I trust that He will use this story somehow, and that He will work all things together for good -- both mine and ultimately His.

I'm not at a place where I can speak in broad platitudes or offer universally applicable advice, but if you're facing things you have no idea how you'll make it through, keep going.  Walk through.  God is with you, and you will make it.  He will sustain you.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When ou walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43:2-3a

Why Blog?

Several days ago, I posted a link to Facebook about my dad.  I took it down almost immediately.  "Am I just begging for attention?  Would I really have these conversations with people in real life?"  As I second guessed myself, I took the post down and spent a good chunk of the day and this morning thinking and wondering to myself, "Why do you have this blog at all?  You realize it's public and that this is archived somewhere on the internet forever, even if you take it down, right?"

After thinking about why I blog, I came to three conclusions:

• I blog for me.  I blog so I can remember how I felt during some of the highs and lows of life.  I write so I can see how the hand of God has led and sustained me through both the good times and the bad.  I write so that I don't forget -- how far I've come, how much things have changed, and how God has been with me through each step of the way.  It's fair to say that this could be accomplished by simply keeping a private journal, but in some bizarre way knowing that a small handful of people will read this keeps me accountable to writing and recording life in a way that I wouldn't in a private journal.

• I blog because stories are important.  Positions are polarizing; opinions can be discounted and written off.  But people's stories -- their experiences and what they've lived though -- cannot be discounted or invalidated.  I have no idea who this story will help if anyone, but here I am putting my story out there.  I fail (oh man, do I fail!), but I have the courage to learn from my mistakes and keep showing up.  I won't let shame or embarrassment hold me down or keep my story in the dark.  I will show up -- even when it is hard -- and tell the truth.  My story is a part of who I am; I cannot separate it from my reality.  This is my story, and while it's hard and messy and full of mistakes, I choose to believe that in some way it matters so I will tell it. 

• I blog because our greatest ministry is likely to come out of our places of our deepest hurts.  I've been depressed.  I've tossed out my career and my life plan.  My dad has been to jail, twice.  All of these experiences have grown me in the empathy department, and have helped me to relate to others in a way that I couldn't prior to me experiencing them.  I write as a way for others to connect to me and get to know a bit of what's beneath the surface.  I will trust the Lord with the results of that.

Musings on a Broken Dad

I think I can say without a doubt that December 24, 2002 was the worst day of my life.  The year had been a tough one: finding out my dad had lived a secret life I knew nothing about for the first 21 years of my life, finding out he was arrested and ultimately sentenced to 6 months in jail, and ending up on academic probation my first semester of graduate school in part because it was hard and in part because I was so preoccupied and distracted from everything going on in my family.  The whole year was a tough one -- but without a doubt, the hardest day of my life was December 24, 2002.

The sting of learning I'd be on academic probation was still fresh.  The enormity of everything I'd learned about in my family's past still loomed large over me.  But on Christmas Eve as I waited to see my dad in his orange jumpsuit for 15 minutes, it was the lowest I have ever felt in my life.  I felt the embarrassment and shame of his crime.  I felt the crushing loss of innocence.  I felt the loss of everything I'd felt was the truth of my childhood, knowing it was a fake veneer that covered the truth of who my dad was.

As I held his Christmas gift -- gray sweats I'd bought from Walmart, the only jail-approved alternatives to the orange jumpsuit -- in my hands that day I wondered, "What has my life become?  Will it ever be normal again?"

Over time, things became more normal.  My dad was released from jail and, although he never matured into an emotionally present adult, I learned to live with it.  I went through counseling and spent lots of time with Jesus working to unravel and understand and make sense of my life.  I eventually believed that my dad's choices truly were his own and in no way were a reflection on my past and were not leading me to an inevitable future where I would repeat his mistakes.  Basically, I both came to terms with my past and realized that I could live a future that is fully aware of what had happened, yet not overshadowed or defined by it.  And that was freeing.

But every few years, it feels like something rips the band aid off of the wound that has been healing in my heart for years.  It stings and is a fresh reminder of the pain that is there.

This week my dad was rearrested -- this time for four felonies, not a misdemeanor.  This time, there is DNA evidence linking him to the crime.  This time -- if he pleads guilty and there's not a plea deal for something less serious -- we are talking years in prison, not months in jail.  And that's just all really hard to process, especially given that he's already 70 and his health is not great.  It's hard not to play that all out to some pretty obvious logical conclusions.

This week has been a fresh reminder of how broken my dad is and how hard all of this is.  It has been a fresh reminder of how much all of this hurts when it's right in your face.  At the same time, what I can say is that I am in a much better place to deal with it all this time.  I am surrounded by a great group of people who are my friends and who love me unconditionally.  I more fully understand that God uses ALL THINGS  -- even the shitty, heartbreaking things like this -- together for His good.

This has been the hardest week I've had in 4-5 years, but God has been faithful through it all.  I would appreciate your prayers for our family because this has been one hell of a week and this storm is likely to get a bit worse before it gets better.  And while it is very very fragile and just a dim flicker at this point, I do hold out hope that my dad will come to understand the both weight of his issues and that he will come to know and turn his issues over to Jesus.  I pray that even in his old age, he will experience some healing.  Please pray for our family; we need it.

Mars Hill and Mark Driscoll

I actually started out my last post to write all about Mark Driscoll and what has happened at Mars Hill.  I didn't feel like I could adequately explain why I care so much without giving some of my own background, so that's what the last post was all about -- now back to why I started writing.

Watching this whole Mark Driscoll thing unfold -- from a distance and on the internet -- has caused all of the feels.  

Why do I care so much?! 

How could Mark Driscoll think he could get away with this for so long?

I'm so glad someone called the emporer naked.  This serves him right.

God please help Mark Driscoll and his family.
How could any woman stomach being married to this guy when he does not value women?!?

God please help the victims of the spiritual abuse suffered at the hands of Mars Hill.

OMG what a black eye on the body of Christ.

This is what I could be if I don't check pride at the door.

There but for the grace of God go I.

Jesus be near.

In short, I don't know what to think.  I am glad he has resigned.  The more information that comes out, the deeper it seems that the black hole goes.  It's sad.  I'm so sad for the women and others who suffered spiritual abuse either directly in his hands or in the environment he helped to create -- an environment of misogyny, bullying, and authoritarianism.

It shows me how grace matters.  It shows me how destructive environments that promote Jesus yet do not extend grace can be.  It shows me how actions have consequences.  And it is yet another illustration that a person's gifiting -- communication, rallying people behind an idea, etc. -- can destroy them in the spotlight if their character is not strong enough to sustain their calling.

Yet I'd be hardpressed not to see a bit of myself in him.  It's the perfect illustration of what can happen if you surround yourself with people who unilaterally agree with you and won't call you on your issues.  It's a reality check, both to the body of Christ and to me.  I hope we never have people hurt in the hands of spiritual leaders -- particularly those lauded by those around them -- again.  I pray that God is developing my character so that whatever sphere of influence I end up in -- large or small -- my character is not insufficient to sustain me.

It's all just really sad to me.  And I do hope Mark Driscoll heals and is restored -- but I also hope that he truly repents so there is not even more collateral damage and more victims of spiritual abuse.

Spiritual Abuse

I grew up in a series of dysfunctional churches.  From the onset, let me acknowledge that churches are made of people -- all imperfect -- and are therefore by definition imperfect.  I know that and am firmly committed to one such church now.  But the churches I grew up in were, like, REALLY dysfunctional.

I remember never feeling like I fit in church -- like I was a square peg in a round hole.  I remember the shaming of women, like when two girls in our church got pregnant and both had to "confess" in front of the congregation while there were no repercussions for the baby daddies.  I remember a drummer in another church who had three babies by two different women in our church all before he was 18.  I remember being made to feel like my intelligence was a liability.  I remember my mom crying in the car because going to church hurt too much, but making us go inside anyway.  I remember when our pastor had an affair with another staff member, causing her to "resign", while there was no confession on his part.  Basically, I remember chaos, confusion, and hurt when I think of growing up in church -- all while being made to feel inferior because I was a woman and rebellious because I would ask questions.

Understandably, it left me with a bad taste in my mouth as a child on into my early thirties -- one that I now realize as an adult was shame, anger, judgement, and a feeling of cognitive dissonance.  I felt like I could not trust God Himself because, at least if He was anything like His representatives, He was not kind and He sort of thought women were out to get Him.  He also didn't like independent thinkers.

All of this me hurt, wounded, and broken.  God over time and in His own sweet, gentle ways has healed these wounds and has made me whole again.  For this, I am both in awe and unspeakably grateful.  It's incredible how He has done that.

It's taken time, but God does not do sloppy work.  He doesn't cut corners and His healing is complete.  I know and believe that He will use ALL of this for my good and for His glory.

God's Plan is SO MUCH BIGGER than Our Own

A bit over a year ago, one of my coworkers retired leaving holes in our ability to teach some of our required courses.  He quit as close to the beginning of the semester as possible, which didn't leave my boss much time to come up with a plan to cover these courses.  Because three other people had left too, my boss really had limited options as to what to do to get everything covered.

She approached me and told me I would need to teach a course called Methods and Standards.  While I agreed,  I was skeptical. (what choice did I have, really? not to mention that I wanted to help us stay afloat on turbulent waters...)

I never had this class in school -- as in, I literally didn't even understand what the title of the course meant when I was assigned to teach it.  Yeah.  Clueless.  As I dug into learning the material, I realized that while I knew a bit more than I originally gave myself credit for but this was still a major stretch out of my comfort zone and area of expertise for sure.  Nonetheless, I did my best, worked to learn the material, and it actually turned out really well -- the students learned a lot and used what they learned in internships and co-ops and have written to tell me so more so than for any other course I've taught. My teaching evaluations turned out well too.

Last year was supposed to be my last year at Arkansas, and our department had an ambitious plan to hire three faculty members to cover some of the vacancies that had been created by people leaving.  However out of the 150+ applicants, for various reasons we were only able to hire one person.  Upon realizing that we were going to be short staffed again this year, my boss' first words were -- literally -- "Well who is going to teach methods?"

And that's a part of how I came to be offered another year's contract to stay on to teach at the University of Arkansas as a clinical faculty member.

God assures us in His word that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.  He promises us that He has a wonderful plan for each of our lives.  It's really hard not to marvel at the detail of the intricacy of the plans as they unfold and plan out.

In the last week or two, God has been showing me that some of the things that we think are the crappiest and the biggest mistakes and derailments -- teaching Methods, for example -- are actually exactly the things that He uses to position us and keep us where He wants us.  The things we view as liabilities are actually strategic positioning.  How gracious of Him to show me that as I continue to face challenges and things that I think, "Woof, this completely sucks and is not ideal!"

My boss said she would never hire an instructor, ever.  But she did.  And it was because I could teach methods.  It was because God's plan had given me an advantage I could never have created for myself, wouldn't have chosen, and initially didn't want to or think I could do.  He is funny that way.

My perspective is all wrong.  I know in part, and am just seeing in part.  God has a plan and it is far greater than I can comprehend with many more moving pieces than I could ever understand.  Knowing this helps me to trust Him as He leads me to do hard, confusing, and scary things.

Dying to Self

I haven't written much here.  Nothing feels right to write, so I haven't written.

This has been a season of being stretched and grown.  I know that God is in it, and I continue to lean in -- but each night as I go to bed, I feel stretched, I feel tired, and I feel relief that I've made it through another day.  God is teaching Me that He is growing me and expanding my capacity -- but that is happening through working really hard, feeling overwhelmed at times, and dealing with tough situations at work, at home, and in my friendships.  My season right now feels a lot like what Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 4:8.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Yet I see God at work.  I know that He is preparing me for what lies ahead -- whatever that is.  I know that His plan is greater, and I choose to trust Him in that.  I choose to believe that every challenge, every frustration, every tough day is making me just a little bit more like Jesus.  I am choosing to die to myself daily so that I can be more like Him.  I don't do it perfectly, but everyday I'm getting just a little bit better at it and everyday it is becoming just a little bit easier.

Books I've Read This Year, part 2 and my Reading Goal

This summer I read a ton -- in parks, at restaurants, at the water park.  It was so incredibly relaxing, and I loved learning about new things and escaping into new ideas and fictional places I was reading about. When I realized I'd finished 50 books by mid June, I wondered to myself, "Can I read 100 books this year?"  I figured I'd give it a shot, but only as long as I was enjoying it and not letting this become a stressful goal.  I figured I would have no shot at meeting the goal if I didn't read 75 books by the time school started.

School (at least reporting to school for me) starts tomorrow.  I made it through 78 books so far this year.  This means that in order to read the remaining 22 books required to reach 100, I have to read about a book a week, with a week or two where I read two books.  That's totally achievable.  Here we go!

Below is the list of books I've read since I last updated my list.  Once again, I've bolded my favorites.

1. Seriously Mum, What’s an Alpaca? by Alan Parks
2. Notes from a Blue Bike: The Art of Living Intentionally in a Chaotic World by Tsh Oxenreider
3. Let Hope In by Pete Wilson
4. Husbands and Fathers by Derek Prince
5. Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequest
6. Signs, Wonders, and a Baptist Preacher by Chad Norris
7. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
8. Lincoln’s Battle with God by Stephen Mansfield
9. International Bank of Bob: Connecting our Worlds One $25 Kiva Loan at a Time by Bob Harris
10. The Jesus Blueprint by Dave Buehring
11. Be Real: Because Fake is Exhausting by Rick Bezet
12. The List: Figuring Out Prince Charming, the Corner Office, and Happily Ever After by Marian Jordan
13. I Know their Hearts by Jeff Olson
14. Passion: The Bright Light of Glory by Louie Giglio
15. Captive in Iran: A Remarkable True Story of Hope and Triumph amid the Horror of Tehran's Brutal Evin Prison by Maryam Rostampour, Marziyeh Amirizadeh
16. Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine
17. The Power of a New Identity by Dan Sneed
18. Sojourner Truth: American Abolitionist by W. Terry Whalin
19. Voice in the Night: The True Story of a Man and the Miracles That Are Changing Africa by Pastor Surprise, Bill Johnson and David Wimbish
20. Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
21. Horse and His Boy by CS Lewis
22. Peter Nimble and His Fantastic Eyes by Jonathan Auxier
23. When God Breaks your Heart by Ed Underwood
24. Fashioned to Reign: Empowering Women to Fulfill Their Divine Destiny by Kris Valliton
25. One in a Million: Journey to Your Promised Land by Priscilla Shirer
26. Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence
27. Humility by Andrew Murray
28. Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker

Summer 2014

This summer -- a midlife sabbatical.  This was the first time in more than 20 years that I have had a summer off with no job or real responsibilities, and it was good.

How can I sum it up in a simple blog post?  It was a time of rest.  It was a time of refreshing.  There were hard times.  It was a summer of relationships and reading and reflection.  And I needed it.  I didn't know how badly I needed it until I had it.

This summer I regained the ability to "sleep in" -- if we can call sleeping until 8:00 or 8:30 sleeping in.  This summer I spent time with friends, and came to realize just how blessed I am to have incredible friends who are supportive, honest, who encourage me, and who love me.  Great friends who love me enough to be there and share the good times, but who also love me enough tell me the truth even when I don't want to hear it.  This summer I spent a lot of time by myself and with the Lord, thinking, processing, praying, and asking direction for what comes next.  This summer I began developing gifts that I didn't know I had, and began putting them to use at the Joppa House.  This summer I spent a lot of time outside -- in parks, at Crystal Bridges, and on the lazy river.  This summer, the Lord gave me a new vision and outlook on how discipleship and industrial engineering and academia can go together.

And although the summer wasn't without its hard parts and low moments, this was a summer of Selah.  It gave me the space to think and reflect.  It gave me time to unwind and feel refreshed.  It gave me time to remember what is important and to think and pray about what comes next.

Although I am struggling with the idea of the summer ending and starting back up to school in a week (with the students returning the following week), I am thankful for this job -- the one that my boss said she would never create and that is clearly the hand of the Lord providing for me.  I am thankful to head into the school year with renewed vision and with a greater understanding that God is at work.  I may not understand how or what exactly He is doing, but I know enough to know that these puzzle pieces that are moving into place are moving at His direction and at the sound of His voice.  And I trust Him in that, and know that His plans are good.

Books I've Read This Year

I just finished my 50th book so far this year (technically, I started and in a couple cases finished some during Christmas Break which began in late December).  Here's a list of what I've read so far this year. My favorites are bolded -- this is a lot more variety and fiction than I usually read, but I've enjoyed the variation.

1. Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey
2. Bittersweet by Shauna Niequest
3. Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo
4. Anything by Jennie Allen
5. My One Word by Mike Ashcraft
6. Bossy Pants by Tina Fey
7. Undaunted by Christine Caine
8. Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me? (and Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling
9. Grace, Gold, and Glory by Gabrielle Douglas
10. Wednesdays were Pretty Normal by Michael Kelley
11. Crazy Busy by Kevin DeYoung
12. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
13. Divergent by Veronica Roth
14. Insurgent by Veronica Roth
15. Allegiant by Veronica Roth
16. A Contrarian’s Guide to Leadership by Stephen B Sample
17. The Uglies by Scott Westerfeld
18. Akaine- Her Life, Her Art, Her Poetry by Akaine Kramarik
19. I Will Carry You by Angie Smith
20. Murder in the Yoga Store by Peter Ross Range
21. Sex and the Single Christian Girl: Fighting for Purity in a Rom Com World by Marian Jordan Ellis
22. Jumping through Fires: the Gripping Story of One Man’s Escape from Revolution to Redemption by David Nasser
23. 7 Keys to Prophetic Maturity by Sam Medina
24. Learning to Love: Passion, Compassion, and the Essence of the Gospel by Heidi Baker
25. Amazed and Confused by Heather Zempel
26. God Smuggler by Brother Andrew
27. 7 Men by Eric Metaxes
28. Theodore Roosevelt by Lewis L. Gould
29. Comedy Driven Leadership: Think Like a Comedian, Move Forward Like a Leader by Jonathan Herron
30. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by CS Lewis
31. Holy Spirit: an Introduction by John Bevere
32. Forgotten God by Francis Chan
33. They Speak with Other Tongues by John Sherrill
34. Culture of Honor: Sustaining a Supernatural Environment by Danny Silk
35. Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequest
36. Free in Christ: A Complete Handbook for Spiritual Deliverance by Pablo Bottari
37. Smart Money Smart Kids: Raising the Next Generation to Win with Money by Dave Ramsey and Rachel Cruze
38. Moment Maker by Carlos Whittaker
39. Singing through the Night: Courageous Stories of Faith from Women in the Persecuted Church by Anneke Companjen
40. Wonder by RJ Palicio (+ the Julian chapter)
41. Switch on Your Brain: the Key to Peak Happiness, Thinking, and Health by Caroline Leaf
42. The Fault in our Stars by John Green
43. Gladys Aylward: the Little Woman by Gladys Aylward
44. The Cross and the Switchblade by David Wilkerson with John and Elizabeth Sherril
45. Because of Mr. Terupt by Rob Buyea
46. When you Reach Me by Rebecca Stead
47. Beyond the Ancient Door by James A. Duhram
48. Chasing God: One Man’s Miraculous Journey in the Heart of the City by Roger Huang
49. Unveiling Grace: The Story of How We Found our Way out of the Mormon Church by Lynn K. Wilder
50. The Life and Prayers of Joan of Arc by Wyatt North

Not looking back

A friend who is in the midst of life and career transitions asked she could pick my brain about career stuff.  While I happily agreed, I thought it a bit ironic since I feel like the only advice I feel qualified to give at this point is about how to light a match to your career and watch it go up in flames.  I wasn't sure what exactly to expect or what I had to offer.  I just prayed and left the results of our coffee date up to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Of course, He did not fail (duh uh).  The meeting went well.  It was validating to hear that not everyone buys into the notion of a swanky, prestigious career over more traditional priorities.  I felt understood hearing how she struggled with all of the demands that she felt pulling her in different directions, and how she fundamentally refused to be defined by a career or a position above her values, faith, or sense of obligation to those she cared about.

Near the end of the meeting, she asked me a question that I hadn't thought of before.  She asked, "Sarah, do you ever look back and question your decision to walk away?"

To my surprise, I had zero hesitation and I knew the answer immediately.

"No,"  I responded confidently.

To be honest, I was surprised.  Even in the most confusing, toughest times of waiting out the uncertainty, I never questioned my decision to leave my job.  There were definitely times where I mourned the loss of a life plan and the faulty illusion that I used to have that I was in control of my life and where it was going.  However, even in the toughest times I never once thought, "OMG this was a mistake."

What a gracious thing that the Lord used to reassure me that I am walking on the path that He has for me.  While I have no idea where it's going or what lies ahead, I trust that the Lord has me on His path.  I trust that I am walking in the plan that He has for me and that that they are good -- even when I don't understand them or even know what they are.

And I am grateful to realize that even at my most confused and frustrated and impatient, I do not look back.  May my trust continue to grow as I walk in the plans He has for me.  May I wait with confident expectation, knowing that even the most shocking, unlikely, difficult things do not catch Him by surprise.  May I wholeheartedly believe to the absolute core of who I am that He will work all things together for my good as I love Him and walk in the call He has on my life.

Trust - May 2014 update

I wrote earlier this year about how I felt like the Lord wanted me to focus on TRUST in 2014 -- trusting Him more, and viewing everything through that lens.  While I wasn't sure exactly what I was supposed to trust Him with, I felt like it probably had to do with my job, career, and vocational future.

Certainly, in some ways that has been part of what it's been about -- having a new boss all of a sudden, being asked to stay in a modified version of my current role instead of making a huge vocational transition like I'd felt like God was leading me to, and just having one year of a plan (and not even having that be official yet).  Now while in some respect that's been crazy, in many other respects that's been just the beginning.

I entered the year with four solid single girl friends; two are now engaged and it would not surprise me at all if the other two are by the end of the year.  This leaves me as the only single post-college person in my social circle.  And while there have been hard moments, God has been clear: TRUST ME.  Trust me with the timing and my provision of a spouse for you.

This has also been a year of transitions when it's come to my friendships.  One of my friendships crumbled which was tough and uncomfortable.  Another friendship took an unexpectedly serious, deep turn -- which was surprising and while it happened a bit scary (but is now ultimately good).  One of my best friends is moving to India for most of the rest of the year.  Again, the Lord has asked me to trust Him, to believe that His plans are good, and to trust that He will provide.

I've also continued to live with a generous family in my community group -- and while they've been great and super generous, it's been weird to be 34, sharing a bathroom with two teenagers, and living with most of my stuff in storage in a spare bedroom.  But God says, TRUST ME so I am and believing that I will find the right roommate, housing situation, or place to buy in His timing.

What I know is that God is faithful and that nothing catches Him by surprise.  What I know is that He has a plan and purpose in each of these situations.  He is developing my character, and time spent learning to trust Him is well spent.  May I be a good student of these lessons now, and a good steward and teacher of these lessons in the future.

The day I told my ex-boss about the Great Commission

Life's been crazy with all the transition that is going on in and around the department where I work.  Because it looks as though we will be extremely short-staffed for the upcoming year, I've been offered the opportunity to stay and teach for one year.  There was some uncertainty there for awhile, but it looks like it's going to really happen.

Crazy.

Today, my ex-boss -- newly promoted to a higher position -- and I had lunch.  While part of the conversations turned to the whens and whats and how muchs of what I would be doing, my ex-boss Kim was very concerned about what would happen next and what my plans were beyond teaching in our department for a year.

The real answer is that I've basically chucked any (faulty) notion of a life plan that I used to have, and that I'm willing to do anything that the Lord wants me to do.  I feel like the Lord is calling me to the area of discipleship, but I'm not sure what that looks like vocationally and how that would play out.  And while I had prayed a lot in advance about this meeting, I wasn't quite sure how to say all of this in an honest yet understandable and credible way to my non-believing ex-boss.

To my surprise, I explained to her that I believe that God still speaks to people and that He was probably going to have me to something with discipleship.  I explained that I felt like He had given me a passion to help people learn about Jesus, and become followers of Him.  I explained that I was interested in helping Christian students learn how to become followers of Jesus and navigate the transition from Christian-in-college-with-so-much-time-and-friends-and-Jesus to all-by-myself-working-professionals-who-still-follow-Jesus.  I explained that the last thing Jesus said before He left earth is that we are supposed to help people learn to follow Jesus and become disciples of Him.  Yes, I basically explained the Great Commission during lunch to my non-believing ex-boss.

I couldn't believe it.  I sort of still can't.  Yet she seemed interested and engaged, and to receive it well.

One of my favorite verses in Acts (4:29) is when the believers pray, "Consider their threats, and enable your servants to speak with great boldness."  It's like I had my own 2014 Holy Spirit filled version of this transpire right in the middle of my favorite grilled cheese restaurant.

I expectantly believe that my conversation with Kim went exactly as it was supposed to.  I am believing that the Holy Spirit will use the words He gave me to at least plant a seed.  I want to be somewhere in the "I planted, Apollos watered" chain, and to be faithful to exactly what the Lord wanted me to say.  I am trusting that God will be the one to bring the increase.  After all, only He can do it, and He is well able. May He alone receive the glory.

And then, it got crazier.

Yesterday we got an e-mail at 4:30 PM from my boss' boss.

"Please come to this meeting at 8:30 AM tomorrow.  I am traveling, so I can't join you in person but I will dial in to meet with you you.  If you can't join us in person, please call in to our conference."

Urgent news, no hint what the meeting was about?  Cryptic.  Strange.  Flipping through the mental roladex of ideas about what the meeting could possibly be about, I came up empty.  No idea.

This morning I found out that effective immediately, my boss was no longer my boss.  She has been tapped to be an interim dean*.  Wow.  Alrighty then.  This boss -- the one who unofficially offered me the opportunity to stay on again next year, the one who has been so supportive and helpful during my career here -- may or may not be coming back to serve in her current capacity.

I have no idea where this leaves me for next year.  I have no idea what will happen from here.  I keep thinking that this year has been the craziest year ever and that there is no way that we can work with even more of a skeleton crew; there are no more curve balls that can possibly be thrown.

Wrong.  With less than a month remaining in the semester, the events in our department take another unexpected turn.  We had 17 faculty members last year.  Now we've lost a sixth (not to mention a seventh is out on maternity leave).

This. is. crazy.

Will I be extended another offer?  Who knows.  I keep reminding myself, "This does not catch the Lord by surprise.  He knew this, and will sustain me.  I can trust Him with my future.  He has a good plan for my life."  But seriously, this is cray cray.

*It is a promotion and I am happy for her.  She will be good at the job, and is well-deserving of the recognition.

Crazy Developments

There's a lot of life that I don't talk about on this blog for lots of reasons -- to protect the privacy of those involved in my life who don't want to be blogged about, because nothing is certain and therefore blogging about it is premature, because this blog isn't private, and so on.  There are all kinds of reasons not to write about all kinds of things.  As a result, there are lots of things that aren't documented on this blog.

One of those things (I think) is the fact that in the middle of this year, I was recruited to join staff with Cru, a college ministry.  While I was initially thinking that I would not apply to join staff, to my great surprise when I prayed about it I felt the Lord leading me to apply.  So that was the plan.  I lined up my references and looked over the application.

Because of the stuff with the Protege Program (i.e., feeling unmistakably led to apply, but ultimately not being accepted into the program), I was careful not to emotionally overcommit to the idea. While I knew the next step of the process was to apply, I was not sure if the Lord would ultimately lead me to join staff or not.  Through the process, I was forced to face and deal with some habitual and generational sin, and admit that money had become an idol to me.  It was not easy or pretty, but in the end it was good.

But then, in a series of events that probably isn't bloggable yet is not-to-be-believed and crazy improbable, I have been approached to stay on at the U of A in a job that is better suited to my strengths than even my current one, where I don't have to raise my own support to work here, and that will allow me to continue to invest in the lives of college students.  I am floored.  I am shocked.  This truly is beyond belief.

Though nothing is yet official, I believe that the next step will be to be here for a year.  I can't believe it.  Literally.  I really can't.

On the one hand it's absolutely crazy that after all of this fuss and hullabaloo, I will be doing -- to the untrained eye -- more or less the same thing.  On the other hand, this is so improbable, so unlikely, and so humanly impossible that I absolutely cannot ignore that the hand of God is in this.

I feel like the Holy Spirit is telling me that in most every way I am about to embark on a new chapter.  I am excited to see what lies ahead.  It is both exciting and a little wild to think about.  To what lies ahead -- whatever that is.  Here we go!

Sad sad sad

Life is just crazy, and things have been an emotional roller coaster these days -- things at work, things at home, things in my personal life.  Everything seems like it's up in the air or hard or sad.

Coworkers having biopsies.

Life at home continuing to be messy for my parents.

The stars aligning for (another) (im)perfect storm at work next year.
No news on what comes next for me professionally or vocationally.
Students with advanced cancer struggling personally and financially.
An emotionally absent father who just turned 70 and still acts like he's five.
Still living with a family and not having a home of my own to invite people to or cook in.
Assuming extra jobs at work because we are so short staffed and having to take things day by day (even though I feel like the things I do are not valued or appreciated, or helpful to me personally or professionally).
Looming unemployment, bringing with it the end of health insurance, retirement contribution, and a sense of structure to my days.
The loss of a close friendship that still stings (and if I'm honest, sometimes makes me mad).
Students losing parents and grandparents.

It's tough.  I'm exhausted.  Today after an especially heavy faculty meeting, I just want to cry.

Yet as I write this, I am reminded that God says that His strength is made perfect in weakness; He bottles each of my tears; He has written my story before the foundation of time and will work things together for my good; and that I need to work as though I am working unto the Lord.

In short, I need to trust Him.  In the face of all of this, I have no other choice.  Life is so hard.  I have no idea how people make it through without Jesus.

The Last Year

Today in the car I was thinking, "Wow, I think it's been a year since my life plan was derailed."  I looked at my calendar and, sure enough, it has been.

On February 27, 2013 I went to lunch with my boss, Kim. She is so supportive, and one of the ways it plays out is that she proactively schedules lunch with all of the assistant professors each semester.  While the lunches are great and my boss is even better, these lunches are nerve wracking and somewhat awkward in that I never know what direction the conversation will go.  I always pray in advance of these meetings, asking the Lord to direct our conversation.

At my lunch last February, the talk was serious: we were discussing strategy putting my tenure and promotion package together.  That I would go up for tenure was a foregone conclusion in my mind -- it was the obvious next step, and not really a question.  Whether I would get tenure or not was a question, but I always assumed I would at least try and then the Lord would direct the process from there.

At that lunch in February, Kim insinuated that I should really think about whether or not I even wanted tenure and let that inform whether I should go up for tenure.  I remember being insulted.  Subsequently Kim asked, "Well Sarah, what is it that you really like to do?"

I remember clearly that I had read James that morning.  The verse about asking God for wisdom and the Lord giving it freely and generously came to mind (James 1:5), so I asked the Lord what to say?  I distinctly remember Him telling me to be honest with Kim.  I thought "OMG nothing good can come of that -- the parts of my job that I like the least are the parts that are valued most in the tenure and promotion process and the parts of the job that I like most are valued the least!  I cannot tell Kim that!"  I felt the Lord again tell me, "Be honest with her."

I swallowed hard and obeyed.  I told her how much I liked teaching and advising undergraduate students, and how little I liked securing research funding and managing research.

Kim was supportive.  She listened, and told me I really had to think about what I wanted out of life.  Her question about what I wanted to do launched me on a month of thinking, praying, seeking counsel from anyone and everyone I respected.  And, ultimately, I felt the Lord's leading not to go up for tenure.

This surprised me.  This had been my plan all along, and something I'd been working toward since I graduated from college -- going to grad school to get a PhD, getting a PhD so I could get a tenure track job, getting a tenure track job so I could have job security and teach college kids forever!  This was my plan, and now it was over.  Poof.  Goodbye life plan.  Hello uncertainty, waiting, and the unknown.

Honestly, this is all still very tough.  I never would have imagined a year later, I still wouldn't have a life plan.  I am sad to leave a job that I have enjoyed, that amply provided for me, and that I have had a chance to make (at least a little bit of) a difference doing.  I have loved working with students, and I like my coworkers and will miss working with them.   I long for them to serve Jesus.  I have seen God's favor and blessing on my work here.  And I am going to miss that.  I also miss (the illusion of) feeling like I know where my life is going.

But as much as I am going to miss that, I know that the Lord is leading me elsewhere for the next season.  I don't know where that will be or what I'll be doing, but I trust Him and know that He will reveal that to me in His timing.  I can't believe this all started a year ago and I still don't know what is next.  What a wild ride this has all been.

And I'm sure the next season will be a wild ride too.  Serving Jesus is always an adventure.

Trusting the Lord to Order Our Steps

I just got back from a trip with my friend Emily to Disney World.  It was a great (and much needed) respite from a crazy, challenging, very difficult semester.  Like so much this semester (and schoolyear actually), the trip there was not smooth.

We were supposed to leave Arkansas around 1 PM on Thursday and arrive in Florida around 8 PM.  Our flight was cancelled for wind and bottom line was were were not sure if we were going to make it on Thursday or not.  I silently prayed that we would make it.  I figured God knew how much I needed this vacation, how tightly I was wound, and how hard things had been and that the obvious thing was to get me out of Arkansas for a few days ASAP.

My good friend Emily instead prayed, "Lord, please order our steps.  We trust you."

Immediate conviction.  Yes, isn't this year all about me learning to trust in the Lord's plans?  Didn't the Holy Spirit tell me at the beginning of the year that learning to trust Him was my primary learning objective?  Doesn't God control even the wind and the resulting flight cancellations?  He knew about all of this; I had just forgotten about that.

We did make it to Florida that night (well, the next morning at 2 AM).  We had a full, memorable, fun trip that I will always treasure.  The Lord was in the details and, indeed, ordered our steps -- we experienced favor and the Lord's divine timing throughout the entire trip.  We got to do everything we wanted to multiple times, and still had a chance to go back to our hotel rooms to relax and sleep in the afternoons.  Most meaningful to me, though, was the ways in which the Lord grew my relationship with a good friend with whom I now have even more fun memories.

Emily is a fun, encouraging, Godly friend who teaches me so much -- including how to trust God not only with big things like my vocation and my future, but even with the details of flight arrangements and my leisure time, and knowing that God knows what my bandwidth is and will make sure all of my emotional and mental health needs are richly and abundantly supplied.

Choosing Not to Complain

This academic year has had plenty of unexpected twists and turns.  I've learned so much -- it's probably not possible to say just how much, in fact.  One of the things I know I'm learning about is taking the high ground, even when you're shafted.  It doesn't come naturally and I certainly don't do it perfectly -- but I am learning and I know the Lord is training me in it.

At the end of last semester, students caught me in the hall and asked me about the time change to one of the courses I was teaching this spring.  "Can you get the time changed back?"

Truth be told, this was the first I'd been told of the time change -- one that no one (including myself) liked or was happy with.  When I asked a colleague about it, not only was he unapologetic about it he managed to personally offend me by telling me that my preferences were both irrelevant and unimportant.  Instead of lashing out at him -- pointing out the unfairness and crappiness of this situation, not to mention his lack of tact and sensitivity -- I prayed about it and felt like the Lord was telling me forgive him, suck it up, and move on.  But that hasn't made the students happy with the time change.  They still occasionally complain to me about it.  I find myself in the awkward position of defending the decisions made by those in charge, while hating them myself.

The other class I am teaching this semester is at 8 AM in a room with a terrible setup and even worse technological capabilities -- seriously, it is virtually impossible to read what I write because of the projector sometimes.  The students (understandably) are frustrated by this, but I don't think there's any way that they could be as frustrated about it as I am.  It is awful when students are sleeping through class and/or unable to read what you're doing your best to communicate despite complaints and desperate attempts to make the situation better.

One student in particular is very unhappy with the projector.  He complains loudly and very rudely at least once a week, essentially yelling at me about the crappiness of the situation -- and instead of saying, "Yeah, you're right -- let's whine about those in charge together!" or "Seriously, you jerk -- stop yelling at me.  This isn't my fault and I've done everything I can to try to fix it -- you're being belligerent and disrespectful!", I find myself working to diffuse the situation with grace and humility.

Essentially, I am choosing not to take the bait to complain or whine or lash out -- even when it may be within my rights or when I am probably justified in doing so.

For those of you who know me in real life, that's a LEARNED skill; I did not come factory wired to act like this.  I find the Lord is smoothing off my rough edges, one tiny bit and one frustrating situation at a time.  I find myself being taught to give up my right to complain or have a bad attitude, and instead walk in humility and grace.

And it's ironic.  As I reflect on it, I find I'm not giving those things up  because I'm choosing to void myself of my sassiness or spunk or the fiery passion God placed in me.  In fact, in other areas of my life those characteristics are thriving and stronger than ever.  I'm instead choosing to walk in peace and in gentleness and in self control in hard and somewhat heated situations.  I guess what I see is that the Lord truly is growing the fruits of the spirit in me, and I am able to operate in them even in charged environments.

Huh, who knew?  This year of development has been so hard -- but realizing what it's resulting in has made it all seem worthwhile.  Even when I don't get to be quite as sassy as I used to be or might like to be sometimes :)

These last few months I have really wanted more than ever to hear from the Lord.  The Lord has really met me there, through prophecies at IHOP, through friends with words of affirmation and prophecy over me, and in my own practice of daily meditative journaling.  It has been both a time of encouragement, and of enlarging my vision and I am grateful for that.

One of the things that has been interesting is how the Lord has been using prophetic words others have spoken to me to confirm things that He has told me directly.  That has been great.

Also I feel like the Lord has given me new things to think about and pray about as a result of the prophecies that have been spoken over me too.  One of the most interesting things that I felt like the Lord told happened last night through a dude I'd never met named Travis.

"It's not that you're more equipped or better able to things than others, it's that you're more willing."

Wow.  Game changer.  He went on to talk about my openness to the things of the Lord.  That was hugely encouraging to me.  That truly is what I do desire.  I just want to do what the Lord wants me to -- nothing more, nothing less.

I love how God has shown me how I've really grown up overcomplicating and over thinking things.  All I really need to do is listen do God and do what he says.  Nothing more, nothing less.  He will reveal the way for me and make my path straight.  I just need to walk in them.

Courage and Waiting patiently for the Lord

I've been listening to the Psalms as I fall asleep for the last week or so.  I love it.  Last night Psalm 27:14 jumped out at me.

Wait patiently for the Lord.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

It is incredibly comforting to me to know that waiting takes courage.  Prior to the last year, I would have said that waiting would be a time of rest or a time to just chill and relax.  However I'd now acknowledge how difficult it is.  This year of waiting for the Lord to direct me to whatever is next in my job, life, and profession has been hard.  I've been tempted to jump the gun or to hustle to make things happen -- but the Lord has been clear to tell me that I need to just be quiet, to listen for His voice, and to trust Him.   Basically, to wait patiently for the Lord like it says in this Psalm.

And it has required bravery and courage to stare down uncertainty and unemployment and finite resources and closed doors to say, "I trust God more than I trust in these circumstances."  It is nice to feel acknowledged and validated in that -- to know that waiting takes bravery and courage, and not just time and patience.  I will wait patiently for the Lord -- bravely and courageously. He will reveal what is next in His perfect timing.  In the meantime He will develop not only patience in me, but bravery and courage as well.  And that is awesome.

Biblical Literacy

I've read through the Bible in its entirety two or three times now.  Not incredible, but also not terrible as far as a life accomplishment for my age.  Even though I've read it a couple times, however, I'd say my Biblical literacy is not high -- not at all.  I attribute a lot of that to poor reading comprehension.  I also attribute a lot of it to just wanting to make it through whatever arbitrary checkpoint I've established within a time frame (e.g., read these 4 chapters today so you can make it through the Bible in a year).  Under that model, at least for me, a lot of what I'm reading starts to run together.

This summer, I was very convicted when a friend of mine listed off five or ten not terribly challenging questions that were maybe on par with a B+/A- level of Biblical literacy.  For example, what were the main purposes behind each of the four gospels?  Could you pick five of the minor prophets and explain their themes?  I realized that I would have gotten about a 50% on his quiz and was immediately convicted (and sort of embarrassed).

While I can adequately tell many of the stories in the Bible -- especially those of Jesus shared in the Gospels -- and could quote a lot of scripture from the Bible, I'm afraid I've missed the overarching themes and a whole lot of what the prophets had to say.  I also haven't appreciated the motivations and intentions behind many of the authors.

This year to help fill in the gaps, I've been reading What the Bible is All About in conjunction with reading the Bible everyday.  It is helping me to understand what I'm reading a lot more.  I'm also using the audio part of the YouVersion app that allows me to both read and hear what I'm reading at the same time.  All of this is really helping me to understand what I'm reading a lot better.  I am halfway through the minor prophets at this point and I am appreciating what I've read a lot more.  I am praying that the Lord really does help me to better grasp what I am reading rather than just viewing Bible reading as something to knock off of a list.

This year I feel like the Lord wants me to learn about HIM -- who He is, His character, how to trust Him -- instead of taking an intellectual, theoretical approach to God like I did growing up and in college.  However, I believe that growing in Bible literacy will be an important component to being able to better understand the person and character of God, and I pray He will speak to me through the word.  Another important aspect of development that the Lord is helping me with this year.

Insecurity

In general, I would say that I have a pretty healthy sense of confidence.  In fact, if I'm not careful this confidence gets out of control and bubbles up into pride, and that's not any good for anyone.  But, in general, no self esteem issues for this girl.

I'll tell you what, though, the uncertainty of what's going to happen next in my life has really thrown me for a loop.  It has also brought insecurities to the surface that I didn't know were there.  When other people are doing jobs I think I'd be better at, I find myself judging them.  When other people get good news that I think I could have benefitted from, I find myself jealous instead of being able to celebrate with them.  I find myself seeking out certain people's blog posts or social media postings sometimes so I can read them, judge them, and feel better than them.

What is wrong with me?!?

As I think about it and pray that the Lord removes this ugliness from me, I am forced with the truth: these are all insecurities and fear surfacing in my life.  I am wanting to walk in the plans that the Lord has for other people since those paths are known and relatively certain rather than waiting for the Lord to reveal the plans He has for my life.  I find myself wanting to find value in my talents and abilities to perform relative to other people rather than finding my value in the way God has made me, and appreciating the way God has made everyone else.  That's not good.  And that has to change.

Going to have to turn that over to the Lord and trust Him help me walk in my identity in Him.  I want to celebrate and help others walk in the giftings, personalities, and successes the Lord has given them; I don't want to tear them down or not appreciate them.  To do that, though, I need to be rock-solid-secure in my identity in Christ -- the way He has (and hasn't) made me and the fact that my value comes from Him alone, not in what I can (or can't) do, especially relative to other people.

Spray Paint

Anyone who has known me in the past two years knows I like to spray paint.  And by "like to spray paint" I mean "am obsessed with spray painting".  Now I could spend this entire blog post telling you why spray paint is so amazing -- how it's cheap, how it can completely make something over in a matter of minutes, how it can breathe life into something old and gross and make it look cute and modern -- but that's not really where I'm going with this.

I've written about DC before, and how much I learned from the kind, generous people of NCC.  One of the coolest things to happen on the trip, though, I haven't written about.

On my last day, I had a meeting with someone I've looked up to forever.  It was good, but not at all what I expected.  At the conclusion of the meeting, the person I'd met with reunited me with Maegan, my hostess for the trip.  "She's probably out back spray painting something," the person I'd met with said offhandedly.

SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR.

In addition to being kind, helpful, wise, and just generally awesome and easy to talk to, Maegan also likes to spray paint?!?!  And that's when I knew for sure that God was in this relationship.

No, really, I do mean that.

It amazes me that out of all the things God did on that trip both big and small, that spray painting matters to Him.  Not so much the act of spray painting or the glories of spray painting (though they are many), but that He cares about the details of our lives enough to care about putting two women together who would connect on something like that.  We weren't there to talk about crafts or ourselves, yet the Lord knew what He was doing and HE was the one who arranged to have it brought up.  Out of all of the random things in our lives that we didn't talk about, God knew we would connect on the issue of spray painting, so He saw to it that that was brought up naturally in conversation.

It boggles my mind.  What a caring God who is in the details.  I love that about Him -- that He connected a Pacific-northwesterner-relocated-to-the-east-coast-social-justice-advocate-and-budget-fashionista-turned-discipleship-professional with a midwesterner-relocated-to-the-south-engineering-professor-doing-who-knows-what-with-her-life in the context of learning discipleship over something trivial yet incredible: spray paint.  (Whew, that was a sentence!)

I think that is awesome.  And I am grateful for spray paint (duh), for my friend Maegan (she's awesome), and for a loving, caring God who knows that spray paint is the way to my heart.  He worked with that to help me make a new friend.

So cool.   One more thing I love about our God who is in the details -- even the trivial ones like spray painting.

2014: The Year of Trust

I've never been big on making New Year's Resolutions.  However, I'm a fan of the idea of strategically selecting one word and letting that word frame your year (more about the idea on this site).  A week or two ago, I felt like the Lord was telling me I needed to do this.

Just as quickly, I felt Him telling me that my word for 2014 needed to be trust.  So, this year I am focusing on learning to trust the Lord.  I don't know exactly what that will look like, but I trust that the Lord will reveal what it means and will look like to trust Him (that got a little meta for a hot second...).

I will trust the Lord with His plans for my career.

I will trust the Lord with all of the resources He has blessed me with.

I will trust the Lord to bring me into a relationship with the right people at the right time.

I will trust the Lord above having a plan.

I will trust the Lord will reveal to me what I need to trust Him with, and what that looks like.

You're supposed to pick a verse to help you frame your year with one word that reinforces the theme.  I felt immediately drawn to Phillipians 2:13, so this is my primary verse for this year.

God is at work in your life, giving you the desire and power to do what pleases Him.

I just need to trust the truth of this passage, and not doubt its reality in my life.  Here's to 2014 -- I know that the Lord will really teach me about trust this year.  Although my tendency when I think about that is to tense up and fear the process a little bit -- sort of like I did with development -- the Lord has shown me that I need not fear the process.  I can trust and not be afraid like it says in Isaiah 12:2, so that is my plan.

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.