First Day of School

Today, school started.  I admit -- I didn't really expect to be here.  At the end of last school year, I began to emotionally check out of here and wind down, anticipating being part of a character and leadership development program that started in September. I found out midsummer I would be here after all and I needed to recalibrate emotionally for what lay ahead -- preparing for another year teaching at U of A rather than an abrupt career change and move halfway across the country.

I have to say I felt a mix of disappointment and peace and confusion about this change of events.  On the plus side, I'd be able to spend another year with my friends, I would be able to earn and save money, and I'd get to continue working with students which I've grown to love.  In the negative category, I would not be experiencing these changes I'd become excited about and was sure God was leading me towards.  Additionally, it's just plain uncomfortable to have no idea what my life plan is beyond this May at the latest.

So while it's a bit of a mixed bag, I felt peace and complete confidence that the Lord had a plan in my being in Fayetteville.  I worked to rest in that.

Then my teaching assignment got switched around and became more and more of a stretch out of my comfort zone.  Then our department began hemorrhaging people.  Things became crazy, and I became more nervous about this year.

And today, it was here: the first day of school, the moment of truth.

I have to say, it was great.  So great.  Exceeded every expectation I had.

I had students come by my office almost all day, letting me know how glad they were I was here.  I had students stop me in the street, excited to see me.  "OMG!  I can't believe you're here!  I wish I had known to wait on Methods for a year until you were teaching it!"  Talk about an ego boost.  It felt great.

I still have no idea how to answer the questions about what's next.  I still have no idea why the Lord has me here, although I know He will develop my character and teach me in this season.

But I'm learning that when it gets right down to it, these answers don't matter right now.  The Lord will reveal what I need to know, when I need to know it.  Until then, I just need to be quiet and listen and wait and do what He has for me here in this season.  I will serve these students and love them and do my best to be a light to them.  I will live in the present, and work to enjoy every minute I'm here.  I'm excited to see what I learn and how God will grow me and be glorified as I teach another year of industrial engineering in Arkansas, probably for the last time.

Faith in God includes Faith in His Timing

Remember when I had a plan and it involved getting tenure and living a stable, fairly lucrative life?  (Yeah, me too.)

Remember when God told me not to go up for tenure and apply for a year-long unpaid position?  And remember when I was certain I was going to get it and not be in Fayetteville teaching this year? (Yeah, me too.)

Remember when I got a rejected from that program, and when four of my colleagues subsequently retired or resigned?  And then when I learned I would be here teaching classes that are way out of my comfort zone and area of expertise, and require a lot of extra work on my part? (Yeah, me too.)

Remember when -- after I found out I would be in Fayetteville after all -- I had four good, solid, credible plans in place with roommates and places to live, and then none of them worked out?  And then I moved in with a family from my community group as a 34 year old? (Yeah, me too.)

So, yeah.  I am living in a family's spare bedroom teaching new classes for a year while I figure out what to do with my life.  That definitely wasn't my plan.  But I do feel like it is God's -- and I trust Him.

As I prepare for this upcoming year, I am taking it one day at a time.  I feel like the Lord is showing me that He will give me my daily bread -- just enough to get through the day, forcing me to rely on Him in a way I really haven't had to before.  And honestly, it feels like I am just here treading water...passing time...waiting...not doing much of anything productive that's moving the ball forward.

As I brought a new friend-to-be up to speed on some of the major developments in my life, she wrote me something so wise. 

Sometimes I think we get a vision from God and then run out from under His protection to make it happen in our timing.  But if we do that, we forgo the wonderful lessons He has for us in the waiting time!

Did she hit the nail on the head, or what?!  Then the Lord reminds me, "Learning patience, learning discipline, becoming more humble and selfless -- that's not doing nothing.  I am developing your character and molding you more into the person I designed you to be and who you will need to be to carry out the next phase of the plan."  Suddenly the holding pattern doesn't seem as stale or fruitless.  In fact, it feels like the actual plan -- not just the backup plan or the plan B or the "we'll be here until we figure something better out" plan.

So what does that mean for me, for this year?  Well, as with basically everything else in my life right now, I have no idea.  If I had to guess, it means waiting on the Lord and seeing what He would have me do in His timing.  It probably means doing some time in the rock tumbler, getting rough edges taken off and experiencing friction and discomfort as the Lord transforms me.

In the meantime, I will be here listening and waiting for what's next.  And when the Lord says the time is right, then I will actually go and do it.

What I didn't say...this is worth it.

So a couple people have contacted me or told me, "Wow, I read your blog.  Sounds like things are hard!"  And they are -- I don't want to diminish that or not own up to that being the case.

At the same time, I need to say they are good.  Have you ever been on a hike that is grueling and tiring, but you know that a beautiful view awaits you at the top?  And that you'll regret it if you don't keep going?  That's what this season is like for me.  It is hard, but I know it is worth it.

I am learning so much -- about myself, about my issues, about my strengths, about how God has designed me, and more about God Himself.   I know that this is worth it, so I press on and work to learn what I can on the journey, knowing that this season -- while difficult -- is good.  I do not want to lose sight of that, or not share that with everyone.

Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. -- Galatians 6:9

Values

As part of this year of development, I went through the exercise of coming up with a list of core values.  I've come across this idea before, but this weekend I decided to just jump in and knock this out.

I started with this list of potential values.  While it's not exhaustive, I thought it was a great start.  I worked through this list and made a short list of those that were important to me, culling the list from 400+ to about 45, and finally down to about 10.  Of those, I want my life to be defined by two central ideas: humility and unshakable trust in God.

Without further ado, here are the core values I came up with:

• Embrace and pursue humility.
• Trust in God, even when circumstances indicate I shouldn't; choose faith above fear, doubt or anger.
• Live authentically, continually uncovering, growing, and walking in God's design for me.
• Speak life-giving words to others, encouraging and loving them.
• Take risks and be courageous, playing offense for the Kingdom.
• Intentionally invest in others -- in friendships, in students, in ministry -- giving time, resources, and my heart to serve them and create environments where they can grow.
• Live in, foster, and help create community -- sharing life, its struggles, joys, disappointments, and victories with others.
• Laugh and enjoy life, seeing humor in everyday situations and seeking out chances to find joy.

These values will (and to some degree already have) shape what types of opportunities I will pursue and how I will live life.  I am grateful to have them articulated now so I can use them and make sure I'm staying true to who I am as I work through this year of development and uncertainty in my career path after this year.

Sanctification

The last week has been -- in a word -- sanctifying.  I have experienced more professional frustration than I ever have in my life this week.  I have experienced lower lows than I can recall experiencing in my professional life up to this point.  And, as my coworker pointed out, I think this week has taken a year off my life.  It's been hard.

And I am exhausted -- I am undone, at the end, beat.  And I need rest.

Through it all, I feel like the Lord has been with me, and showing me what I need to be learning from this. "You need to develop patience," He whispers when I am about to lose it.  "You need to be clear.  Good leaders direct with clarity; yours is lacking right now," He says.  "No you cannot control this situation.  What you have control over is your attitude," He reminds me.

And while my initial reaction is to fuss and whine and yell back and ask how this incredibly crappy situation is possibly my fault?  I realize the Lord is right; I need to learn from this.  Whether it's my fault or not matters very very little, if it even matters at all.  I need to learn how to do better, even (especially?) in stressful situations when things aren't going the way I want them to or I've planned for them to -- like this past week for example.

So to say that this week has been sanctifying -- making good out of bad, making me more holy and more refined?  Yeah I think that would be an understatement.

As I think about what I've learned this week and as I see how much more I have to learn and to grow, this quote catches my attention -- "Growth is nurtured by humility and strangled by pride."  Instead of being quick to blame and find fault in others, I need to humble myself and see how I can improve -- as a leader, as a friend, as a boss, and as the person God has designed me to be.

I have a long way to go -- a very long way.  But I am grateful for the Lord's help and patience, and I am committed to this process of improvement.

Books I've Read so Far this Year

One of the best part of this summer -- which I really would like to write more about at some point -- has been the bandwidth to spend time reading and learning.  Things got a bit out of control this last month (understatement??) and my reading time was cut down quite a bit, but nonetheless I was able to read a lot.  Here's what I've read so far this year.

General and for Fun

• Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg
• Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
• Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way we Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown
• Five People you Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom
• 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker
• When Helping Hurts by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert
• Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
• Love Does by Bob Goff
• A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans
• Next Generation Leader by Andy Stanley

Small Groups and Discipleship

• CMYK: the Process of Life Together by Justin McRoberts
• Dog Training, Fly Fishing, and Sharing Christ in the 21st Century by Ted Haggard
• Creating Community: 5 Keys to Creating a Small Group Culture by Andy Stanley and Bill Willts
• Activate: An Entirely New Approach to Small Groups by Nelson Searcy and Kerrick Thomas
• Disciples are Made Not Born by Walter Henrichsen and Howard Hendricks

General Spiritual Development

• Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning (reread)
• Knowing God Intimately by Joyce Meyer 
• Wild Goose Chase by Mark Batterson
• Primal by Mark Batterson
• In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson (reread)
• Soul Detox by Craig Groeschel
• Crazy Love by Francis Chan
• The Battle Belongs to the Lord by Joyce Meyer
• The Bible (technically, restarted it in October but finished in June; reread)
• Basic Training for the Prophetic Ministry by Kris Vallotton and James Goll
• Live to Make a Difference by Max Lucado

Anyone have any book recommendations??

Development

Every semester I feel like God gives me a word or theme that helps frame the semester.  Last semester, it was "trust".  Two semesters ago, "restoration" and "big things".  Before that, "dependence."

Now I feel God whispering to me that this will be a year of development -- that He will develop my dreams, my skills, my passions, and my character.

I have got to say that when I think of development, I am quick to jump ahead to think of a nice, shiny finished product that has been painstakingly engineered and works well.  On the front side of having been developed, however, I stand here looking at pieces of myself that need sand blasted, chipped off, primed and painted, rotten spots that need removed entirely.  I see voids where there will need to be something built.

In short, I see a lot of work.  But the Lord has been gracious to help me look to the end product rather than to fear the process.  And He has been so gracious to remind me that He works all things together for my good, not necessarily for my comfort.  And He has been so gracious to remind me that this isn't my job (solely) to do -- that He and I will partner in the development, with Him doing the bulk of the heavy lifting when I'm not able.

The hardest part of development so far has been how it is happening.  It's happened by hurting others and making mistakes.  It's happened by realizing I have no control over things that you'd think would be simple, like finding a place to live.  It's happened via frustrating interactions with people who have been a joy to work with in the past  but who I now want to strangle sometimes.  And just when I feel like I'm reaching the breaking point or I can't go on, the Lord reminds me, "You prayed for patience" or "This is about developing your character."

It doesn't mean it sucks less.  It doesn't mean the repercussions of the situation go away.  But it reframes the situation, and reminds me that the God of the universe is orchestrating a personal development plan for me.  It reminds me that I shouldn't fight it or have a bad attitude or be a jerk, but to learn from the situation and to take it for a development opportunity.  And it means that this is a part of what He has promised me will work together for my good even when it's not for my comfort.

So to this end I am working to be soft and pliable clay in the potter's hand, and I remind myself often of Hebrews 12:11 often.  It has become my motto in this season.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Praying for a harvest of righteousness.  That is what I really want, and not for just for my benefit but also for the benefit of others.

And if that means that the 2013-14 school year is about developing me, and doing hard stuff sometimes?  I think I am ready.  Bring on the year of development.