2013

As an INTJ, I love reflecting.  I love thinking about things, connecting the dots, and being able to summarize them nicely.  But how is that possible with 2013?  I can't see that it is, but here's my best shot.

I began 2013 with a life plan: I was a professor, and I loved teaching students.  "I'm doing good things for the Kingdom," I thought.  I was making a difference.  I was making good money and giving a bunch of it away.  God was blessing me.

Then in the middle of the year, I felt God asking me to essentially quit my job by not going up for tenure.  I could't believe it!   I wondered, "What about that life plan I had?  What about the good things I'm doing to advance your kingdom in academia and in industrial engineering?"  But I did it: I essentially quit my job effective on or before May 2014.

Goodbye lifeplan.

I felt God's leading to apply to the Protege Program -- a leadership and character development program through a church in DC.  I felt God whispering to me, "Discipleship pastor."  I really wasn't sure what a discipleship pastor is or what one does -- but I was like, "Hmm ok!  I'm probably supposed to participate in this program and find out!"

Except I wasn't accepted into the program, and I learned I'd be in Fayetteville for another year.  Fall semester was one of the two craziest if not THE craziest of the 55 semesters I've had since I started kindergarden in the mid 80s.  Challenging on every level -- professional, personal, emotional, family.  Just hard.  But God was with me.  He sustained me, He spoke to me, and He made it clear that -- even though I don't know the plan -- He is actively working on my behalf and going before me.  And I am grateful for that.

So what did I learn in 2013?  I learned to obey and I learned that the joy of the Lord really is my strength.  I learned that God doesn't need me (or anyone else) -- that He chooses to use us, but that He ultimately is the one who brings the increase and that none of us are indispensable to plan.  I learned that -- even though it doesn't make sense to me -- that the complete demolition of my engineering career and professor gig was all part of God's plan for me.   He's showing me that leaving my job isn't a backup plan, but that this was in His plan all along.

I am learning to count it all loss for the surpassing value of knowing Jesus Christ, my Lord.

What does 2014 hold?  I have absolutely no idea.  But I know who holds 2014 so I am not all that worried.  I'm ready to embrace it and to see what God has for me this year.

JOY

When I think back on this semester, probably the biggest theme or the biggest thing I've learned about is joy.  You'll find all kinds of definitions of joy, but I think Kay Warren's is my favorite and the one that resonates with me the most.

Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation.

In my meditative journaling, at least twice a week God spoke to me and taught me about joy.

That joy is my strength, and that His strength is made perfect in weakness.

That in His presence, there is fullness of joy.

That fullness of joy doesn't mean enough to get by -- it means more joy than we can handle or contain or even imagine.  It is part of the abundant life Jesus promised that He brings.

That joy leaves fear and anxiety and shame behind.

That joy is meant to be shared.

That God wants us to fill me with unspeakable joy so I can weather even the roughest of storms.

Joy will be a cornerstone and defining characterstic in my life.

I feel like I really learned these lessons this semester.  Like REALLY learned them -- not book learnin', but the street smarts kind of learnin'.  Though I sensed that God was doing a big work in me, it was really confirmed when a friend -- completely out of the blue -- told me that she was just so amazed by how much joy I had.  I was so grateful for this confirmation from the Lord and from my friend that God was at work and really growing me in the area of joy.

Speaking of gratitude, that's the other thing I learned: intentionally cultivating an attitude of being thankful and appreciative really sets up an ecosystem and environment where joy can thrive.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4

While I definitely wouldn't consider myself mature, complete, and not lacking in anything, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I see how the Lord has used this semester to teach me about and give me joy.  I can see how my joy during the trials I faced this semester have helped to develop perseverance in my spiritual life and my life in general.  Excited (though, if I'm being honest, a little apprehensive) to see what lies ahead.  Whatever it is, I will face it courageously and rely on the joy of the Lord to be my strength.

Christmas 2013

This Christmas, I gave myself permission to peace out on the whole Christmas thing.  I had three generous offers to spend Christmas with friends -- all of which I am super grateful for -- but I felt peace just being by myself and relaxing and reflecting on where I am and where I'm going these days.  No Christmas Eve service.  No hanging out with friends and their families.  And (a little to my surprise) no being sad about family or feeling alone.

I watched Elf and Home Alone, made tacos, and just spent the rest of the day listening to the Lord and reading.  OK, and snapchatting too (my recent obsession).   No keeping up appearances, needing to be social, large groups of people, or having to explain why Christmas isn't raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens for me.  To my surprise, a day like this is just what I needed.  I am grateful that the Lord gives us good gifts and directs our steps, even in the minor things like managing a social calendar.  He is so good.

Reflections on Mary, the Mother of Jesus

One of the things that's become an integral part of my spiritual growth this semester is meditative journaling.  Perhaps I'll write more about that at some point.  In short, the he main idea is that instead of telling God what you want him to know (e.g., prayer journaling, etc), you ask Him what He wants to tell you and then you write down what you feel like He says.  I've really grown to treasure this practice in my own life and God has really used this on this leg of my spiritual journey.

This morning, as I was doing my meditative journaling, I felt like the Lord helped me to see the Christmas story more from Mary's eyes than I ever had before.  Obviously as someone who is from the modern West, in her mid-30s, never engaged, and career minded, it's tough to put myself into the shoes of an engaged middle eastern Jew in her early teens who was visited by an angel and told she would give birth to the Messiah.  But the Lord helped me and I understand the story in a different way than I ever have before.

When Mary was first visited by the angel and received his message that she had found favor with God, her first response was confusion and she was disturbed.  After the angel subsequently told her she would have a baby, name Him Jesus, and that He would reign over Israel in a Kingdom that would never end, she obediently embraced this news.  "I am the Lord's servant.  May everything you have said about me come true."  When Mary visits her friend and relative Elizabeth later in her pregnancy, Elizabeth says, "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said."

Is it really that easy?  Is it really just as simple as leading a life that the Lord finds favor with and then walking in the plan that He has for you?  I find myself comforted by that thought.  I don't need to arrange any great heroics -- I just need to humbly submit to the plans that the Lord has for me and trust that He will work out the details.

That's not to say it will be easy.  Here are some excerpts of what the Lord told me this morning as I was doing my meditative journaling.

Mary was visited by an angel of the Lord who brought her "good news" -- but just like her good news upset her impending plans and probably wasn't aligned with her 5, 10, or 30 year plans, neither are my plans for you.  At this point in the story [Christmas Eve], Mary was very pregnant, uprooted from her support system, and traveling to fulfill bureaucratic requirements -- all while carrying the hope of the world, the Messiah, inside of her.  Then she arrived in Bethlehem and not only was the red carpet not rolled out for her, she ended up having a baby in the most disgusting, unlikely, humble of all situations.  The baby was Jesus, and He saved the world.  I gave Him a great cost to me and to Him -- and I did it through Mary.  Her circumstances weren't cushy or fancy: but she obeyed and I did provide for her -- and I will do the same for you.  So as you feel the discomfort and the weight of what I am asking you to do, know that I can accomplish great things through the most humble, unlikely circumstances and that all that is required is obedience and walking in the path I have prepared for you -- even when it seems crazy.

Mary didn't have to hustle and network and explain and make pitches to important people.  She didn't have to justify the legitimacy of her plans to others.  The Lord prepared a plan for her, told her about it, and then she believed it and walked in it.  That's it -- and we remember and honor her 2000 years later because of her obedience and because she found favor with God.  Incredible.  May the same be said of me someday - that I found favor in the eyes of the Lord and I humbly and obediently walked in the plans He prepared for me.

Peace Out, Fall 2013!

Fall 2013 is in the books.  All my grades are turned in, I'm done at the office for the year, and I can say that I made it.  On this side of having made it, though, I can say that it feels a lot different than I expected.

I sort of expected to feel like the lady on top -- euphoric, celebratory, and accomplished.  Instead I feel like the dude at the bottom -- yep I made it, but barely and certainly not without help from friends when it was rough.

Since I left work on Friday, I've been in a numb sense of shock wondering, "What just happened?  Did all of that really go down this semester -- the semester I wasn't even planning on being here?"  And the answer is, yes -- all of that went down.  Every little thing.  And it took a bigger toll on me than I thought so I've spent a fair amount of time just crying and processing through the semester since it wrapped up.

What's obvious now that it's over is that God sustained me every day of that semester.  There is no way I should have been able to make it through that semester, but I did.  And now I will celebrate that, even if it looks like that dude in the bottom picture and I celebrate by collapsing in both physical and emotional exhaustion.  Victory doesn't always look like we expect, but it is still worth celebrating.  Even moreso, I celebrate the one who kept me from stumbling and sustained me in the hard times I wondered if I would make it.

This Semester

This semester has been a little crazy.  And by a little crazy I mean totally nuts.

Not expecting to be in Arkansas at all this school year year; but then being here after all.
Not having my own place to live, but putting my stuff in storage and living with a family for a year.
Not teaching one class, but three.
Dealing with the mid-semester death of a coworker and the fallout that that entailed.
Not really knowing much of anything about two of the classes I'm teaching.
Feeling unsettled and unsure of what every day would hold.

I was going to rehash the gory details of how it's all gone down, but then I remembered that I've done that before.  The only thing I'd add to that is that last week, I found out my dad was arrested.  I don't want to go into the details, but let's just say I was all over the emotional map -- disappointed, angry, sad, embarrassed.  All of it.  Woof; it's a bad scene, y'all and it's made the Semester I Thought Couldn't Get Crazier (SITCGC) just a smidge crazier.  In fact every new curveball that was thrown at me -- and there were several -- I thought to myself, "Things can't get any crazier."  Lo and behold, things kept getting crazier until I've finally decided that I just won't speculate on whether or not things can get crazier.  As I've learned, they can always get crazier.

Here's some of what I've learned this SITCGC.

• God is faithful.  He has gotten me through every day this semester, and now there are just 11 more.  Praise Jesus.
• His grace really is sufficient.  His power really is made perfect in weakness; trust me, I've experienced more weakness in this semester than I can really ever remember.
• There is something to letting the peace of Christ rule in your heart.  When there is peace, it seems like there isn't space for fear or doubt.
• Joy and thanksgiving are possible in trials.  And it seems that thanksgiving sets up an environment where joy can grow and flourish.
• Attitude is everything -- see above about peace, joy, and thanksgiving.
• I can't expect grace unless I extend it.  I've learned A LOT about that this semester and this summer (thanks Charlie).
• If God initiates, He will give me the reserves I need to do what He asks me to do.  I couldn't have made it through this semester were that not the case.
• Being faithful to spiritual disciplines daily -- spending time with the Lord every morning reading the Word and listening to what He has to say to me -- is huge.  I need to treat the little things like they're big things.  God honors that.
• His plans are generally not things we would expect -- they are non-linear, stochastic, and confusing.  But they are perfect.
• The Lord is near to all who call upon Him.  Trust me, I've called frequently this semester.
• I'm getting better at hearing the Lord's voice, and not trying to finish His sentences for Him.

This semester was nothing like I expected, but what I can say is that I have learned so much.  I can tell I am being prepared for something -- not sure what, and not sure when -- but I think when that special something comes, I will know what it is and I will be ready to do what it takes.

In the meantime, the Lord continues to teach me about embracing uncertainty -- learning to trust Him without trying to figure everything out.  That's been a hard but good lesson.

Ahhhh, development.  It's not just about reading books, y'all.  This SITCGC has been the ultimate real deal, boots on the ground guide.  And I wouldn't trade it.