Let me explain. I'm not used to living on the daily bread model where you get just enough to last for today and then tomorrow, you get to repeat the process of living in complete dependence all over again. I'm used the full refrigerator model. I'm used to a stocked pantry that has more options than I could dream of model. I'm used to a corner grocery store model where I can use my own resources to restock when and with what I want to. In short, I'm used to being self sufficient and getting what I want, when I want it, and being able to get it myself thankyouverymuch.
But none of that is the daily bread model. The Lord is taking me through a season where indeed, I get my daily bread and I don't have a bit left over when the day is done.
I thought I was going to be gone this year. I thought for sure I would live in DC and get some training to pursue the dream God had put in my heart to be a discipleship pastor. I thought my time in Fayetteville was done and it was time to move on, so I had begun emotionally divesting at work. When I found out I would be here, I was confused and not sure how I would make it through another year doing my job.
But the Lord is giving me my daily bread as I spend one last year investing in the lives of industrial engineering students.
I was supposed to teach one class this semester -- one that is in my area of expertise and that I've taught a similar version of before. Instead, I was teaching two classes, including one that I knew nothing about and was learning about as I went. And then a coworker had a heart attack and I felt the Lord prompting me to volunteer to teach his classes too -- so now I'm teaching a second class I know nothing about. Three classes in total, instead of the one I'd planned on. I feel stretched WAY beyond my capacity to be able to do this. It is intellectually and emotionally exhausting to not feel like I know which way is up and how I will make it through each day.
But the Lord is giving me my daily bread at work.
I was going to live with my roommate Katie this year, but instead we both felt the urging that it was time to move on. Then I was going to live with my friend Emily, but it ended up not working out. Then I was going to live with Anna; no dice. Then I looked for a place on my own. NOTHING was working, so I moved in with a family from my community group into their spare bedroom. I moved 95% of my stuff into storage. I had no idea how it was going to work to live with a family with two teenaged girls.
But the Lord is giving me my daily bread as I live with the Johnsons. And actually, it has been great!
The other morning I was doing my meditative journaling wondering how in the world I was going to do all that needed done, I felt like the Lord told me, "My grace IS sufficient for you. Whether or not you choose to believe it is your choice -- but my grace IS sufficient for you. You need to rely on me for everything."
So that's what I've been learning and working on. Learning to rely on the Lord for everything, and trusting that He alone has my daily bread -- not my friends, not my intelligence, not my savings account, not my resourcefulness, not my work ethic. Only the Lord can give me my daily bread. I am learning to trust Him for everything and to live in complete dependence. Period. It's a hard lesson, but a good one.
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