Update - March 2015

I feel stuck in one of those "the more things change, the more they stay the same" seasons: I get up, I go to work, I come home, I read, and I go to bed.  I repeat this the next day.  I'm usually up at 5 and in bed by 9 or 9:30 at the latest.  I hibernate on the weekends, generally reading a couple books, doing laundry, and recouping and storing up energy for the next week.  Sometimes I don't even leave the house at all because it takes too much energy and I just don't want to see people.

This semester I'm teaching three classes -- one of them for the first time.  I have about 150 students, and it is a tall order to get everything done and still have energy afterwards.  Being around so many people in a season of high stress as an introvert has taken a lot out of me, hence the weekend hibernation.

I realized it's been two years now since I jettisoned my life plan for the unknown.  I would have never imagined that two years later that I'd still feel in some ways as uncertain about where my life as going as I did when I decided not to go up for tenure two years ago.  I would have never guessed that I'd still be living with a family in their guest room and sharing a bathroom with two teenagers with 90% of my stuff in storage.  I would have never seen my life playing out this way.

Although my boss has (thankfully) expressed a desire to hire me back next year, the funding -- and hence the existence of a spot for me here -- is uncertain.  I would never have imagined that eight years into my career I'd be living on a year to year contract for a job that pays less than I made when I first graduated.  I would never have guessed that at 35 I would not own -- or even rent -- a house of my own.  I would never have guessed that I'd feel so directionless in my career or professional ambitions.

I would never have guessed so much about this life I find myself living now.  I would never have imagined how differently I judge success relative to how I used to imagine or view it.  I cannot actually imagine a single thing about my life (except the fact that I have an engineering degree) playing out like it has.

I have no idea where my life is going.  I will be honest -- it is scary and exhausting, and I am tired of having lived in transition for so long.  At the same time, I feel consistent reassurance (mercifully) that I am doing what the Lord is asking of me -- that this path I am on is the one that He is preparing and asking me to walk.  While I have no idea where that is going, I choose to trust Him and believe that hope is just around the bend.  In the meantime, I will keep walking on the path He lays out one step at a time.