So...what's next?

The word is out: I am not going up for tenure.  This means I have the option to be here one more year.  Honestly, I would not be surprised if this is my last year, though.  It is crazy.  It is sad.  But following the Lord isn't always easy, and I know for sure His plan is best -- even if I don't quite know what that plan is.

One of the parts about this that is hard is explaining what I'm doing to people -- particularly unbelievers.  Why am I not going up for tenure?

It's definitely not because I am afraid.

I am not afraid of this at all.  

God's power is made perfect in my weakness.

It's not because I don't want to stay here.

There are parts of the job that I don't like, but overall I enjoy it and want to stay here.  

I love Arkansas, I love IE, I love our students.  
Most of all, I want to see God move here.

I'm not going up for tenure because this is not what God has for me.

He wants me to give this up.

And while that's a little sad and not what I thought for a long time, He has made it clear: 

you're done here; this season is finished.

Not only do my unbelieving colleagues not understand this -- that this is not what God wants me to do -- this explanation begs an obvious question: so if God doesn't want you to go up for tenure, what does He want you to do instead?

To this I have to give an honest answer: I don't really know.  Unfortunately, the answer is not clear yet.  While I've applied for one program (which I am 100% sure the Lord wanted me to apply to), I won't find out about whether I am accepted until mid-June so there's definite uncertainty.  

Though the Lord hasn't made it clear what I will be doing, He has made several things clear...

He wants me to trust Him.  

He wants me to seek Him above answers.  

He will make this clear in His timing, not in mine.

He loves me, and has my best in mind.

He cares more about my character than my job.

He will provide.

He will speak to me, and show me what to do -- when it is time.

I really do believe that the Lord has shown me that I am in for an abrupt change in careers -- one that I did not expect, one that takes me 100% by surprise, and one that will use my natural wiring and spiritual gifts, but not my PhD or industrial engineering skills.  I also think He has shown me that I will need to learn to lean on Him and trust Him in a new way for my daily bread.  He has taught me to consider it all loss -- my six figure salary, my PhD, a fancy pants job -- for the surpassing worth of knowing and serving Jesus Christ my Lord.  And while that's uncomfortable and awkward, I lean in and believe He is going to work this together for my good, and He has a tremendous plan to use my life for His glory.  I will be excited to see what it is.  And, believe it or not, I am even getting excited to walk in it rather than being apprehensive or skeptical or afraid.

Game on.  Time to go all in.

Giving it all up

In the last few weeks, my life has changed like I never really thought it would.  I have been in graduate school pursuing a tenure track job or, after actually having the job, pursuing tenure for the last 11 years.  In the last month, my life has taken a hard left -- one that I didn't see coming, one that I didn't plan on or even think I wanted.

I am stepping off the tenure track and into an unknown future.  God is asking me to follow Him, and I am.

A few weeks ago, I felt God telling me to leave the profession of industrial engineering entirely.  

The profession I love.

The profession I've been learning about and/or teaching about for 15 years, nearly 50% of my life.

The only "real" job I've ever had.

God said to give it up.

I gulped hard and said -- "If you want me to, sure.  I want to follow you."

Over the course of the week, I felt like he was whispering to me saying, "I just wondered if you were willing."  I felt like I had a reprieve and that I could stay in industrial engineering.

But then, He called me to give up my job.  To give up my dream.  To take a paycut, and follow Him into an unknown future without a guaranteed job or security.  To leave the students and coworkers I've been praying for and investing in for six years.  And that is when it got hard.

To say, "Where you go I'll go!" is one thing.

To do it is something else.  And that involves risk, and a bit of trepidation. 

And if you loved what you've done, it involves sadness and grief.  But following God and walking in the path He has prepared for me is where the life is, and so it is where I choose to walk.

I have a job for 2013.  I don't anticipate knowing what I will do for awhile.  A sage friend told me to seek God above the answers, so that is what I am doing.  Wandering, seeking, and processing what has happened.

And at the core, this involves a gut-level trust that God's plan is better than my own and that He wants to get me where He wants me to go even worse than I want to get there.  Here's to what lies ahead--whatever that is.