I'm moving!

It's official.  I'm moving to Penn State!  I've accepted a job as an advisor and instructor -- something a bit different than my current role that will allow me to expand my skillset while playing to my strengths.  I am excited for the transition: to learn new things, to meet new people, and to see what God has in store for me in this new season.  I've prayed for change for three years, and now it is here (after two false alarms about jobs I was "sure I would get" - ha).  I can barely believe it.  I leave this Thursday.

This change also offers me some changes I've been praying for -- additional stability, empowerment, and the opportunity to buy a house.  I prayed for clarity: clear yeses and noes.  I don't think that could have been answered any better, and God has been in the details from the big to the small.  It has been so kind, and has spoken to my heart in such a tender way.  Three of my favorite examples of God stories are

• The house - I prayed for the right place to live: one that would be convenient to campus, good for entertaining, and a place of peaceful sanctuary for me and others.  The house I bought was perfect, in my price range, and only on the market for 8 hours.  The way I got it was such a God story, and I am grateful.  I really feel like the Lord set it aside just for me.  I am excited to see the way He works in that house.

• A gig - There was some rockiness to the way my position ended.  In the end, I was asked to write a report that expounded on some ideas I had at work.  This gig not only allowed me to keep my benefits for the summer, it also pays me enough to buy a new washer dryer!  In a season where I am writing checks all the time and draining my savings to buy a house, this is no small thing.  Additionally, it provided me a little external validation that I have good ideas - something I hadn't felt in awhile.

• The washer/dryer - I had been watching sales on washers and dryers since I didn't want to pay full price.  I called my realtor to see if I had a gas or electric dryer hookup (I didn't remember).  He called me the next day and explained that he had a client who already had appliances who had just purchased a high end home that came with a washer/dryer.  He asked if I would be interested in purchasing the old washer/dryer - for $200!  What a gift.

As excited as I am for the change, Arkansas has been my home for the last nine years.  I've made a tremendous set of friends who have become like family.  I loved my job and the students I got to meet as part of it.  I experienced the dark night of my soul here and had to figure out who I was and what I valued -- and I came out on the other side.  I am a gentler, more balanced, more confident, and overall better friend, co-worker, and teacher than I was when I moved here.  Although I am sad to leave Northwest Arkansas, the people I met and experiences I had here fundamentally changed me and will always be a part of who I am.  I am forever grateful for that.

Adventure: it is exciting, and it is scary.  And it is happening.

Desires

This spring has been hard and I've grown and learned a lot, but a few weeks ago I was faced with the reality that my life had been feeling hopeless.  I felt stuck and resigned to a state of indefinite (and permanent feeling) transition and waiting. 

I realized that over the last few years of life -- surrendering my career and job on the tenure track, living with another family and feeling no sense of home or stability, not having a sense of where life was headed -- I felt that life was spinning out of control.  It also hurt to have opportunity after opportunity fall through -- ones that I thought I was following God's plan on.  Over time, it became too hard and painful to hope and expect because I was afraid of being disappointed over and over.  While I had told God, "Yes, I will do whatever you want me to," over time that morphed in my head to become, "God will tell me what to do; I have to wait on Him," and eventually, "My preferences are irrelevant and unimportant." And that felt empty and hopeless.  And I'm coming to believe it is untrue.

Through counseling, a prophecy, and reading Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition and the Life of Faith by Jen Pollock Michel, I am coming believe that my preferences and desires are important and do factor into where my life is going.  The gist of Jen's book is that as the Holy Spirit transforms our hearts and lives more into the image of Christ, He is also at work transforming our desires.  She uses the Lord's prayer to teach us that it is ok -- and even good -- to want, to hope and to dream.  And realizing that for me has been a game changer and a breath of fresh air.  For the first time in over a year, I'm seeing the breaking of a new dawn of hope.

I'm realizing that it is not selfish to want or to dream -- that God has placed many of the dreams that I have had in my heart, and that that is ok.  Realizing this has forced me to ask, "What do I want?  What are my dreams?"  Giving myself permission to dream and want again has made life seem less hopeless.

I have a few big desires that I am asking God for -- a professional opportunity that fell through last year; a house or condo that is big enough for a home office, guest bedroom, and to invite others over for gatherings; and I want to get married to a Godly, kind, gentle but strong man.  These are the desires of my heart -- the things I want, and the things I am asking for.  I trust God with the timing and with the way that it all works out, but I am allowing myself to acknowledge that I do have preferences in this. 

Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. ~ Psalm 37:4

Update - March 2015

I feel stuck in one of those "the more things change, the more they stay the same" seasons: I get up, I go to work, I come home, I read, and I go to bed.  I repeat this the next day.  I'm usually up at 5 and in bed by 9 or 9:30 at the latest.  I hibernate on the weekends, generally reading a couple books, doing laundry, and recouping and storing up energy for the next week.  Sometimes I don't even leave the house at all because it takes too much energy and I just don't want to see people.

This semester I'm teaching three classes -- one of them for the first time.  I have about 150 students, and it is a tall order to get everything done and still have energy afterwards.  Being around so many people in a season of high stress as an introvert has taken a lot out of me, hence the weekend hibernation.

I realized it's been two years now since I jettisoned my life plan for the unknown.  I would have never imagined that two years later that I'd still feel in some ways as uncertain about where my life as going as I did when I decided not to go up for tenure two years ago.  I would have never guessed that I'd still be living with a family in their guest room and sharing a bathroom with two teenagers with 90% of my stuff in storage.  I would have never seen my life playing out this way.

Although my boss has (thankfully) expressed a desire to hire me back next year, the funding -- and hence the existence of a spot for me here -- is uncertain.  I would never have imagined that eight years into my career I'd be living on a year to year contract for a job that pays less than I made when I first graduated.  I would never have guessed that at 35 I would not own -- or even rent -- a house of my own.  I would never have guessed that I'd feel so directionless in my career or professional ambitions.

I would never have guessed so much about this life I find myself living now.  I would never have imagined how differently I judge success relative to how I used to imagine or view it.  I cannot actually imagine a single thing about my life (except the fact that I have an engineering degree) playing out like it has.

I have no idea where my life is going.  I will be honest -- it is scary and exhausting, and I am tired of having lived in transition for so long.  At the same time, I feel consistent reassurance (mercifully) that I am doing what the Lord is asking of me -- that this path I am on is the one that He is preparing and asking me to walk.  While I have no idea where that is going, I choose to trust Him and believe that hope is just around the bend.  In the meantime, I will keep walking on the path He lays out one step at a time.

2014

This year.  This year was all kinds of amazing, hard, stretching and ultimately, good.  At the beginning of the year, I felt God impressing strongly on me that I needed to focus 2014 on TRUST.  I didn't understand the fullness of what that meant (and probably still don't), but I can say without a doubt God helped to grow me in this area.  Trusting in God includes trusting in His plans, timing and most of all His character -- that it is unchanging, that He is faithful, and that He is worthy of being trusted.

At the beginning of the year I had no idea what I was going to do for a job beyond May, and I felt strongly impressed to wait and not actively pursue career opportunities.  The prospect of staying at Arkansas was not an option -- my boss had explicitly said so.  Yet in a series of not to be believed, impossible events, I ended up getting an offer to stay at Arkansas -- one with much less security and that is a hit to the ego and to the finances, but one that is well-suited to my interests and desire to interact with students.  Through the chaos and uncertainty of it all, God was teaching me that He is faithful, that I could hear His voice, and that -- even if it didn't look like I expected -- that He is trustworthy and that He will provide where there is no way.

This summer was awesome in ways I can't describe.  For the first time since I started working about 20 years ago, I had the summer off.  It helped me to retool and recharge from a stressful semester.  It provided me margin to think, to dream, to connect with friends, and to feed myself spiritually and emotionally.  It helped me to get perspective on where I was in life.  During this time I realized that discipleship pastoring was not going to be a career path with a job title for me; instead, I sensed God is leading me to continue in academia and serve industrial engineering students, in some way discipling and spiritually shepherding them there.  I still don't have clarity on what that will look like, but I can see that God is expanding my vision and training me in this season so that I will be ready to step to do what He calls me to do when, where, and how He calls me to do it.

Then out of the blue I was approached with a professional opportunity that was a once-in-a-blue-moon kind of a thing that I would be crazy not to pursue.  After a confusing situation where I ended up not getting the job, I just felt the Lord saying "trust Me; I will order your steps and open doors no man can open, and shut the ones no one can shut either."  And so, I do and in the fall I began another year at the University of Arkansas teaching our industrial engineering students.

I quickly realized that teaching three classes per semester instead of one or two was no joke.  I was exhausted and working harder than I can ever remember working.  I felt the Lord telling me, "This is about capacity building" -- and boy, was it ever.  I felt stretched and ultimately that resulted in growth.  I felt the Lord repeating the word "steadfast" --  to do a good job even when it is not always appreciated, valued, or guaranteed to lead to the next step.  I learned to rely on God in new and harder ways.  And then, as though it were a final exam, at the end of the year I felt God asking me to go home to Ohio for a day or two at Christmas.  And although I was terrified and skeptical, it was a good step and I was grateful I went.  Yes, God really can be trusted -- even when He asks us to do hard, counterintuitive things; even when He strips away layers of worldly security; even when it doesn't make sense and is confusing.

In 2014, I learned so much.  Like really learned it, having it travel from my head to my heart.

That God is faithful.
That His grace fills in the gaps.
That He is trustworthy.
That He is good -- really good -- and that His character is unchanging.

This year was one of growth;  I can say without a doubt that I am in a better place at the end of 2014 than I was at the beginning.  Not sure what 2015 has in store, but I am looking forward to it.  Even if it is hard, I know that it is worth it and that these lessons are critical to learn now.  God continues to develop my character so, when the time is right, He can release me into my calling.  I am working hard to be a good student of these lessons.

Through

This has been a tough semester.  Looking through the archives, this seems to be a theme for the last several years.

My dad was arrested again, likely to serve the rest of his living days in prison.  In the meantime he is on house arrest.  I'm doing nearly twice the work for about half of the money.  I've dealt with some of the most frustrating, challenging students and student issues I've faced since I started this job seven years ago this semester.  One of my closest friends has essentially been out of the picture, dealing with his own issues; his absence hurts a lot.  Last week, one of my brother's closest friends from high school and college was sentenced to six months in jail and will be branded a sex offender for the rest of his life.  I'm still living in a space that's not my own, with 95% of my stuff in storage.  The estrangement in our family looms large with the stuff going on with my dad and with my first nephew on the way.

On the plus side, a former roommate got married a few weeks ago and one of my dearest friends got engaged last night.  And while I've been excited for them, it's hard to swing the emotional pendulum to the other side without collapsing into a puddle of tears.

It just feels like a whole lot -- and it is.  But God is sustaining me, and for that I'm so grateful.

As I've walked this road this semester, God has been showing me that I've just got to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

I can't pretend it's not there or ignore it.

I can't wait it out or stare it down and expect things to magically change or resolve themselves.

I can't -- at least in this set of situations -- ask for deliverance and immediate teleportation to the other side.

I can't go around.

I must go through.

I must resolutely fix my eyes on Jesus and walk right through the middle of valley of the shadow of death.  I lean on His promises that His rod and staff will guide, comfort, and protect Me.  I take Him at His word when He says that He will ultimately give me beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning.  I trust that He will use this story somehow, and that He will work all things together for good -- both mine and ultimately His.

I'm not at a place where I can speak in broad platitudes or offer universally applicable advice, but if you're facing things you have no idea how you'll make it through, keep going.  Walk through.  God is with you, and you will make it.  He will sustain you.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When ou walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43:2-3a

Why Blog?

Several days ago, I posted a link to Facebook about my dad.  I took it down almost immediately.  "Am I just begging for attention?  Would I really have these conversations with people in real life?"  As I second guessed myself, I took the post down and spent a good chunk of the day and this morning thinking and wondering to myself, "Why do you have this blog at all?  You realize it's public and that this is archived somewhere on the internet forever, even if you take it down, right?"

After thinking about why I blog, I came to three conclusions:

• I blog for me.  I blog so I can remember how I felt during some of the highs and lows of life.  I write so I can see how the hand of God has led and sustained me through both the good times and the bad.  I write so that I don't forget -- how far I've come, how much things have changed, and how God has been with me through each step of the way.  It's fair to say that this could be accomplished by simply keeping a private journal, but in some bizarre way knowing that a small handful of people will read this keeps me accountable to writing and recording life in a way that I wouldn't in a private journal.

• I blog because stories are important.  Positions are polarizing; opinions can be discounted and written off.  But people's stories -- their experiences and what they've lived though -- cannot be discounted or invalidated.  I have no idea who this story will help if anyone, but here I am putting my story out there.  I fail (oh man, do I fail!), but I have the courage to learn from my mistakes and keep showing up.  I won't let shame or embarrassment hold me down or keep my story in the dark.  I will show up -- even when it is hard -- and tell the truth.  My story is a part of who I am; I cannot separate it from my reality.  This is my story, and while it's hard and messy and full of mistakes, I choose to believe that in some way it matters so I will tell it. 

• I blog because our greatest ministry is likely to come out of our places of our deepest hurts.  I've been depressed.  I've tossed out my career and my life plan.  My dad has been to jail, twice.  All of these experiences have grown me in the empathy department, and have helped me to relate to others in a way that I couldn't prior to me experiencing them.  I write as a way for others to connect to me and get to know a bit of what's beneath the surface.  I will trust the Lord with the results of that.

Musings on a Broken Dad

I think I can say without a doubt that December 24, 2002 was the worst day of my life.  The year had been a tough one: finding out my dad had lived a secret life I knew nothing about for the first 21 years of my life, finding out he was arrested and ultimately sentenced to 6 months in jail, and ending up on academic probation my first semester of graduate school in part because it was hard and in part because I was so preoccupied and distracted from everything going on in my family.  The whole year was a tough one -- but without a doubt, the hardest day of my life was December 24, 2002.

The sting of learning I'd be on academic probation was still fresh.  The enormity of everything I'd learned about in my family's past still loomed large over me.  But on Christmas Eve as I waited to see my dad in his orange jumpsuit for 15 minutes, it was the lowest I have ever felt in my life.  I felt the embarrassment and shame of his crime.  I felt the crushing loss of innocence.  I felt the loss of everything I'd felt was the truth of my childhood, knowing it was a fake veneer that covered the truth of who my dad was.

As I held his Christmas gift -- gray sweats I'd bought from Walmart, the only jail-approved alternatives to the orange jumpsuit -- in my hands that day I wondered, "What has my life become?  Will it ever be normal again?"

Over time, things became more normal.  My dad was released from jail and, although he never matured into an emotionally present adult, I learned to live with it.  I went through counseling and spent lots of time with Jesus working to unravel and understand and make sense of my life.  I eventually believed that my dad's choices truly were his own and in no way were a reflection on my past and were not leading me to an inevitable future where I would repeat his mistakes.  Basically, I both came to terms with my past and realized that I could live a future that is fully aware of what had happened, yet not overshadowed or defined by it.  And that was freeing.

But every few years, it feels like something rips the band aid off of the wound that has been healing in my heart for years.  It stings and is a fresh reminder of the pain that is there.

This week my dad was rearrested -- this time for four felonies, not a misdemeanor.  This time, there is DNA evidence linking him to the crime.  This time -- if he pleads guilty and there's not a plea deal for something less serious -- we are talking years in prison, not months in jail.  And that's just all really hard to process, especially given that he's already 70 and his health is not great.  It's hard not to play that all out to some pretty obvious logical conclusions.

This week has been a fresh reminder of how broken my dad is and how hard all of this is.  It has been a fresh reminder of how much all of this hurts when it's right in your face.  At the same time, what I can say is that I am in a much better place to deal with it all this time.  I am surrounded by a great group of people who are my friends and who love me unconditionally.  I more fully understand that God uses ALL THINGS  -- even the shitty, heartbreaking things like this -- together for His good.

This has been the hardest week I've had in 4-5 years, but God has been faithful through it all.  I would appreciate your prayers for our family because this has been one hell of a week and this storm is likely to get a bit worse before it gets better.  And while it is very very fragile and just a dim flicker at this point, I do hold out hope that my dad will come to understand the both weight of his issues and that he will come to know and turn his issues over to Jesus.  I pray that even in his old age, he will experience some healing.  Please pray for our family; we need it.

Mars Hill and Mark Driscoll

I actually started out my last post to write all about Mark Driscoll and what has happened at Mars Hill.  I didn't feel like I could adequately explain why I care so much without giving some of my own background, so that's what the last post was all about -- now back to why I started writing.

Watching this whole Mark Driscoll thing unfold -- from a distance and on the internet -- has caused all of the feels.  

Why do I care so much?! 

How could Mark Driscoll think he could get away with this for so long?

I'm so glad someone called the emporer naked.  This serves him right.

God please help Mark Driscoll and his family.
How could any woman stomach being married to this guy when he does not value women?!?

God please help the victims of the spiritual abuse suffered at the hands of Mars Hill.

OMG what a black eye on the body of Christ.

This is what I could be if I don't check pride at the door.

There but for the grace of God go I.

Jesus be near.

In short, I don't know what to think.  I am glad he has resigned.  The more information that comes out, the deeper it seems that the black hole goes.  It's sad.  I'm so sad for the women and others who suffered spiritual abuse either directly in his hands or in the environment he helped to create -- an environment of misogyny, bullying, and authoritarianism.

It shows me how grace matters.  It shows me how destructive environments that promote Jesus yet do not extend grace can be.  It shows me how actions have consequences.  And it is yet another illustration that a person's gifiting -- communication, rallying people behind an idea, etc. -- can destroy them in the spotlight if their character is not strong enough to sustain their calling.

Yet I'd be hardpressed not to see a bit of myself in him.  It's the perfect illustration of what can happen if you surround yourself with people who unilaterally agree with you and won't call you on your issues.  It's a reality check, both to the body of Christ and to me.  I hope we never have people hurt in the hands of spiritual leaders -- particularly those lauded by those around them -- again.  I pray that God is developing my character so that whatever sphere of influence I end up in -- large or small -- my character is not insufficient to sustain me.

It's all just really sad to me.  And I do hope Mark Driscoll heals and is restored -- but I also hope that he truly repents so there is not even more collateral damage and more victims of spiritual abuse.

Spiritual Abuse

I grew up in a series of dysfunctional churches.  From the onset, let me acknowledge that churches are made of people -- all imperfect -- and are therefore by definition imperfect.  I know that and am firmly committed to one such church now.  But the churches I grew up in were, like, REALLY dysfunctional.

I remember never feeling like I fit in church -- like I was a square peg in a round hole.  I remember the shaming of women, like when two girls in our church got pregnant and both had to "confess" in front of the congregation while there were no repercussions for the baby daddies.  I remember a drummer in another church who had three babies by two different women in our church all before he was 18.  I remember being made to feel like my intelligence was a liability.  I remember my mom crying in the car because going to church hurt too much, but making us go inside anyway.  I remember when our pastor had an affair with another staff member, causing her to "resign", while there was no confession on his part.  Basically, I remember chaos, confusion, and hurt when I think of growing up in church -- all while being made to feel inferior because I was a woman and rebellious because I would ask questions.

Understandably, it left me with a bad taste in my mouth as a child on into my early thirties -- one that I now realize as an adult was shame, anger, judgement, and a feeling of cognitive dissonance.  I felt like I could not trust God Himself because, at least if He was anything like His representatives, He was not kind and He sort of thought women were out to get Him.  He also didn't like independent thinkers.

All of this me hurt, wounded, and broken.  God over time and in His own sweet, gentle ways has healed these wounds and has made me whole again.  For this, I am both in awe and unspeakably grateful.  It's incredible how He has done that.

It's taken time, but God does not do sloppy work.  He doesn't cut corners and His healing is complete.  I know and believe that He will use ALL of this for my good and for His glory.

Summer 2014

This summer -- a midlife sabbatical.  This was the first time in more than 20 years that I have had a summer off with no job or real responsibilities, and it was good.

How can I sum it up in a simple blog post?  It was a time of rest.  It was a time of refreshing.  There were hard times.  It was a summer of relationships and reading and reflection.  And I needed it.  I didn't know how badly I needed it until I had it.

This summer I regained the ability to "sleep in" -- if we can call sleeping until 8:00 or 8:30 sleeping in.  This summer I spent time with friends, and came to realize just how blessed I am to have incredible friends who are supportive, honest, who encourage me, and who love me.  Great friends who love me enough to be there and share the good times, but who also love me enough tell me the truth even when I don't want to hear it.  This summer I spent a lot of time by myself and with the Lord, thinking, processing, praying, and asking direction for what comes next.  This summer I began developing gifts that I didn't know I had, and began putting them to use at the Joppa House.  This summer I spent a lot of time outside -- in parks, at Crystal Bridges, and on the lazy river.  This summer, the Lord gave me a new vision and outlook on how discipleship and industrial engineering and academia can go together.

And although the summer wasn't without its hard parts and low moments, this was a summer of Selah.  It gave me the space to think and reflect.  It gave me time to unwind and feel refreshed.  It gave me time to remember what is important and to think and pray about what comes next.

Although I am struggling with the idea of the summer ending and starting back up to school in a week (with the students returning the following week), I am thankful for this job -- the one that my boss said she would never create and that is clearly the hand of the Lord providing for me.  I am thankful to head into the school year with renewed vision and with a greater understanding that God is at work.  I may not understand how or what exactly He is doing, but I know enough to know that these puzzle pieces that are moving into place are moving at His direction and at the sound of His voice.  And I trust Him in that, and know that His plans are good.

The day I told my ex-boss about the Great Commission

Life's been crazy with all the transition that is going on in and around the department where I work.  Because it looks as though we will be extremely short-staffed for the upcoming year, I've been offered the opportunity to stay and teach for one year.  There was some uncertainty there for awhile, but it looks like it's going to really happen.

Crazy.

Today, my ex-boss -- newly promoted to a higher position -- and I had lunch.  While part of the conversations turned to the whens and whats and how muchs of what I would be doing, my ex-boss Kim was very concerned about what would happen next and what my plans were beyond teaching in our department for a year.

The real answer is that I've basically chucked any (faulty) notion of a life plan that I used to have, and that I'm willing to do anything that the Lord wants me to do.  I feel like the Lord is calling me to the area of discipleship, but I'm not sure what that looks like vocationally and how that would play out.  And while I had prayed a lot in advance about this meeting, I wasn't quite sure how to say all of this in an honest yet understandable and credible way to my non-believing ex-boss.

To my surprise, I explained to her that I believe that God still speaks to people and that He was probably going to have me to something with discipleship.  I explained that I felt like He had given me a passion to help people learn about Jesus, and become followers of Him.  I explained that I was interested in helping Christian students learn how to become followers of Jesus and navigate the transition from Christian-in-college-with-so-much-time-and-friends-and-Jesus to all-by-myself-working-professionals-who-still-follow-Jesus.  I explained that the last thing Jesus said before He left earth is that we are supposed to help people learn to follow Jesus and become disciples of Him.  Yes, I basically explained the Great Commission during lunch to my non-believing ex-boss.

I couldn't believe it.  I sort of still can't.  Yet she seemed interested and engaged, and to receive it well.

One of my favorite verses in Acts (4:29) is when the believers pray, "Consider their threats, and enable your servants to speak with great boldness."  It's like I had my own 2014 Holy Spirit filled version of this transpire right in the middle of my favorite grilled cheese restaurant.

I expectantly believe that my conversation with Kim went exactly as it was supposed to.  I am believing that the Holy Spirit will use the words He gave me to at least plant a seed.  I want to be somewhere in the "I planted, Apollos watered" chain, and to be faithful to exactly what the Lord wanted me to say.  I am trusting that God will be the one to bring the increase.  After all, only He can do it, and He is well able. May He alone receive the glory.

Sad sad sad

Life is just crazy, and things have been an emotional roller coaster these days -- things at work, things at home, things in my personal life.  Everything seems like it's up in the air or hard or sad.

Coworkers having biopsies.

Life at home continuing to be messy for my parents.

The stars aligning for (another) (im)perfect storm at work next year.
No news on what comes next for me professionally or vocationally.
Students with advanced cancer struggling personally and financially.
An emotionally absent father who just turned 70 and still acts like he's five.
Still living with a family and not having a home of my own to invite people to or cook in.
Assuming extra jobs at work because we are so short staffed and having to take things day by day (even though I feel like the things I do are not valued or appreciated, or helpful to me personally or professionally).
Looming unemployment, bringing with it the end of health insurance, retirement contribution, and a sense of structure to my days.
The loss of a close friendship that still stings (and if I'm honest, sometimes makes me mad).
Students losing parents and grandparents.

It's tough.  I'm exhausted.  Today after an especially heavy faculty meeting, I just want to cry.

Yet as I write this, I am reminded that God says that His strength is made perfect in weakness; He bottles each of my tears; He has written my story before the foundation of time and will work things together for my good; and that I need to work as though I am working unto the Lord.

In short, I need to trust Him.  In the face of all of this, I have no other choice.  Life is so hard.  I have no idea how people make it through without Jesus.

The Last Year

Today in the car I was thinking, "Wow, I think it's been a year since my life plan was derailed."  I looked at my calendar and, sure enough, it has been.

On February 27, 2013 I went to lunch with my boss, Kim. She is so supportive, and one of the ways it plays out is that she proactively schedules lunch with all of the assistant professors each semester.  While the lunches are great and my boss is even better, these lunches are nerve wracking and somewhat awkward in that I never know what direction the conversation will go.  I always pray in advance of these meetings, asking the Lord to direct our conversation.

At my lunch last February, the talk was serious: we were discussing strategy putting my tenure and promotion package together.  That I would go up for tenure was a foregone conclusion in my mind -- it was the obvious next step, and not really a question.  Whether I would get tenure or not was a question, but I always assumed I would at least try and then the Lord would direct the process from there.

At that lunch in February, Kim insinuated that I should really think about whether or not I even wanted tenure and let that inform whether I should go up for tenure.  I remember being insulted.  Subsequently Kim asked, "Well Sarah, what is it that you really like to do?"

I remember clearly that I had read James that morning.  The verse about asking God for wisdom and the Lord giving it freely and generously came to mind (James 1:5), so I asked the Lord what to say?  I distinctly remember Him telling me to be honest with Kim.  I thought "OMG nothing good can come of that -- the parts of my job that I like the least are the parts that are valued most in the tenure and promotion process and the parts of the job that I like most are valued the least!  I cannot tell Kim that!"  I felt the Lord again tell me, "Be honest with her."

I swallowed hard and obeyed.  I told her how much I liked teaching and advising undergraduate students, and how little I liked securing research funding and managing research.

Kim was supportive.  She listened, and told me I really had to think about what I wanted out of life.  Her question about what I wanted to do launched me on a month of thinking, praying, seeking counsel from anyone and everyone I respected.  And, ultimately, I felt the Lord's leading not to go up for tenure.

This surprised me.  This had been my plan all along, and something I'd been working toward since I graduated from college -- going to grad school to get a PhD, getting a PhD so I could get a tenure track job, getting a tenure track job so I could have job security and teach college kids forever!  This was my plan, and now it was over.  Poof.  Goodbye life plan.  Hello uncertainty, waiting, and the unknown.

Honestly, this is all still very tough.  I never would have imagined a year later, I still wouldn't have a life plan.  I am sad to leave a job that I have enjoyed, that amply provided for me, and that I have had a chance to make (at least a little bit of) a difference doing.  I have loved working with students, and I like my coworkers and will miss working with them.   I long for them to serve Jesus.  I have seen God's favor and blessing on my work here.  And I am going to miss that.  I also miss (the illusion of) feeling like I know where my life is going.

But as much as I am going to miss that, I know that the Lord is leading me elsewhere for the next season.  I don't know where that will be or what I'll be doing, but I trust Him and know that He will reveal that to me in His timing.  I can't believe this all started a year ago and I still don't know what is next.  What a wild ride this has all been.

And I'm sure the next season will be a wild ride too.  Serving Jesus is always an adventure.

Choosing Not to Complain

This academic year has had plenty of unexpected twists and turns.  I've learned so much -- it's probably not possible to say just how much, in fact.  One of the things I know I'm learning about is taking the high ground, even when you're shafted.  It doesn't come naturally and I certainly don't do it perfectly -- but I am learning and I know the Lord is training me in it.

At the end of last semester, students caught me in the hall and asked me about the time change to one of the courses I was teaching this spring.  "Can you get the time changed back?"

Truth be told, this was the first I'd been told of the time change -- one that no one (including myself) liked or was happy with.  When I asked a colleague about it, not only was he unapologetic about it he managed to personally offend me by telling me that my preferences were both irrelevant and unimportant.  Instead of lashing out at him -- pointing out the unfairness and crappiness of this situation, not to mention his lack of tact and sensitivity -- I prayed about it and felt like the Lord was telling me forgive him, suck it up, and move on.  But that hasn't made the students happy with the time change.  They still occasionally complain to me about it.  I find myself in the awkward position of defending the decisions made by those in charge, while hating them myself.

The other class I am teaching this semester is at 8 AM in a room with a terrible setup and even worse technological capabilities -- seriously, it is virtually impossible to read what I write because of the projector sometimes.  The students (understandably) are frustrated by this, but I don't think there's any way that they could be as frustrated about it as I am.  It is awful when students are sleeping through class and/or unable to read what you're doing your best to communicate despite complaints and desperate attempts to make the situation better.

One student in particular is very unhappy with the projector.  He complains loudly and very rudely at least once a week, essentially yelling at me about the crappiness of the situation -- and instead of saying, "Yeah, you're right -- let's whine about those in charge together!" or "Seriously, you jerk -- stop yelling at me.  This isn't my fault and I've done everything I can to try to fix it -- you're being belligerent and disrespectful!", I find myself working to diffuse the situation with grace and humility.

Essentially, I am choosing not to take the bait to complain or whine or lash out -- even when it may be within my rights or when I am probably justified in doing so.

For those of you who know me in real life, that's a LEARNED skill; I did not come factory wired to act like this.  I find the Lord is smoothing off my rough edges, one tiny bit and one frustrating situation at a time.  I find myself being taught to give up my right to complain or have a bad attitude, and instead walk in humility and grace.

And it's ironic.  As I reflect on it, I find I'm not giving those things up  because I'm choosing to void myself of my sassiness or spunk or the fiery passion God placed in me.  In fact, in other areas of my life those characteristics are thriving and stronger than ever.  I'm instead choosing to walk in peace and in gentleness and in self control in hard and somewhat heated situations.  I guess what I see is that the Lord truly is growing the fruits of the spirit in me, and I am able to operate in them even in charged environments.

Huh, who knew?  This year of development has been so hard -- but realizing what it's resulting in has made it all seem worthwhile.  Even when I don't get to be quite as sassy as I used to be or might like to be sometimes :)

Insecurity

In general, I would say that I have a pretty healthy sense of confidence.  In fact, if I'm not careful this confidence gets out of control and bubbles up into pride, and that's not any good for anyone.  But, in general, no self esteem issues for this girl.

I'll tell you what, though, the uncertainty of what's going to happen next in my life has really thrown me for a loop.  It has also brought insecurities to the surface that I didn't know were there.  When other people are doing jobs I think I'd be better at, I find myself judging them.  When other people get good news that I think I could have benefitted from, I find myself jealous instead of being able to celebrate with them.  I find myself seeking out certain people's blog posts or social media postings sometimes so I can read them, judge them, and feel better than them.

What is wrong with me?!?

As I think about it and pray that the Lord removes this ugliness from me, I am forced with the truth: these are all insecurities and fear surfacing in my life.  I am wanting to walk in the plans that the Lord has for other people since those paths are known and relatively certain rather than waiting for the Lord to reveal the plans He has for my life.  I find myself wanting to find value in my talents and abilities to perform relative to other people rather than finding my value in the way God has made me, and appreciating the way God has made everyone else.  That's not good.  And that has to change.

Going to have to turn that over to the Lord and trust Him help me walk in my identity in Him.  I want to celebrate and help others walk in the giftings, personalities, and successes the Lord has given them; I don't want to tear them down or not appreciate them.  To do that, though, I need to be rock-solid-secure in my identity in Christ -- the way He has (and hasn't) made me and the fact that my value comes from Him alone, not in what I can (or can't) do, especially relative to other people.

2014: The Year of Trust

I've never been big on making New Year's Resolutions.  However, I'm a fan of the idea of strategically selecting one word and letting that word frame your year (more about the idea on this site).  A week or two ago, I felt like the Lord was telling me I needed to do this.

Just as quickly, I felt Him telling me that my word for 2014 needed to be trust.  So, this year I am focusing on learning to trust the Lord.  I don't know exactly what that will look like, but I trust that the Lord will reveal what it means and will look like to trust Him (that got a little meta for a hot second...).

I will trust the Lord with His plans for my career.

I will trust the Lord with all of the resources He has blessed me with.

I will trust the Lord to bring me into a relationship with the right people at the right time.

I will trust the Lord above having a plan.

I will trust the Lord will reveal to me what I need to trust Him with, and what that looks like.

You're supposed to pick a verse to help you frame your year with one word that reinforces the theme.  I felt immediately drawn to Phillipians 2:13, so this is my primary verse for this year.

God is at work in your life, giving you the desire and power to do what pleases Him.

I just need to trust the truth of this passage, and not doubt its reality in my life.  Here's to 2014 -- I know that the Lord will really teach me about trust this year.  Although my tendency when I think about that is to tense up and fear the process a little bit -- sort of like I did with development -- the Lord has shown me that I need not fear the process.  I can trust and not be afraid like it says in Isaiah 12:2, so that is my plan.

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.

2013

As an INTJ, I love reflecting.  I love thinking about things, connecting the dots, and being able to summarize them nicely.  But how is that possible with 2013?  I can't see that it is, but here's my best shot.

I began 2013 with a life plan: I was a professor, and I loved teaching students.  "I'm doing good things for the Kingdom," I thought.  I was making a difference.  I was making good money and giving a bunch of it away.  God was blessing me.

Then in the middle of the year, I felt God asking me to essentially quit my job by not going up for tenure.  I could't believe it!   I wondered, "What about that life plan I had?  What about the good things I'm doing to advance your kingdom in academia and in industrial engineering?"  But I did it: I essentially quit my job effective on or before May 2014.

Goodbye lifeplan.

I felt God's leading to apply to the Protege Program -- a leadership and character development program through a church in DC.  I felt God whispering to me, "Discipleship pastor."  I really wasn't sure what a discipleship pastor is or what one does -- but I was like, "Hmm ok!  I'm probably supposed to participate in this program and find out!"

Except I wasn't accepted into the program, and I learned I'd be in Fayetteville for another year.  Fall semester was one of the two craziest if not THE craziest of the 55 semesters I've had since I started kindergarden in the mid 80s.  Challenging on every level -- professional, personal, emotional, family.  Just hard.  But God was with me.  He sustained me, He spoke to me, and He made it clear that -- even though I don't know the plan -- He is actively working on my behalf and going before me.  And I am grateful for that.

So what did I learn in 2013?  I learned to obey and I learned that the joy of the Lord really is my strength.  I learned that God doesn't need me (or anyone else) -- that He chooses to use us, but that He ultimately is the one who brings the increase and that none of us are indispensable to plan.  I learned that -- even though it doesn't make sense to me -- that the complete demolition of my engineering career and professor gig was all part of God's plan for me.   He's showing me that leaving my job isn't a backup plan, but that this was in His plan all along.

I am learning to count it all loss for the surpassing value of knowing Jesus Christ, my Lord.

What does 2014 hold?  I have absolutely no idea.  But I know who holds 2014 so I am not all that worried.  I'm ready to embrace it and to see what God has for me this year.

JOY

When I think back on this semester, probably the biggest theme or the biggest thing I've learned about is joy.  You'll find all kinds of definitions of joy, but I think Kay Warren's is my favorite and the one that resonates with me the most.

Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation.

In my meditative journaling, at least twice a week God spoke to me and taught me about joy.

That joy is my strength, and that His strength is made perfect in weakness.

That in His presence, there is fullness of joy.

That fullness of joy doesn't mean enough to get by -- it means more joy than we can handle or contain or even imagine.  It is part of the abundant life Jesus promised that He brings.

That joy leaves fear and anxiety and shame behind.

That joy is meant to be shared.

That God wants us to fill me with unspeakable joy so I can weather even the roughest of storms.

Joy will be a cornerstone and defining characterstic in my life.

I feel like I really learned these lessons this semester.  Like REALLY learned them -- not book learnin', but the street smarts kind of learnin'.  Though I sensed that God was doing a big work in me, it was really confirmed when a friend -- completely out of the blue -- told me that she was just so amazed by how much joy I had.  I was so grateful for this confirmation from the Lord and from my friend that God was at work and really growing me in the area of joy.

Speaking of gratitude, that's the other thing I learned: intentionally cultivating an attitude of being thankful and appreciative really sets up an ecosystem and environment where joy can thrive.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4

While I definitely wouldn't consider myself mature, complete, and not lacking in anything, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I see how the Lord has used this semester to teach me about and give me joy.  I can see how my joy during the trials I faced this semester have helped to develop perseverance in my spiritual life and my life in general.  Excited (though, if I'm being honest, a little apprehensive) to see what lies ahead.  Whatever it is, I will face it courageously and rely on the joy of the Lord to be my strength.

Christmas 2013

This Christmas, I gave myself permission to peace out on the whole Christmas thing.  I had three generous offers to spend Christmas with friends -- all of which I am super grateful for -- but I felt peace just being by myself and relaxing and reflecting on where I am and where I'm going these days.  No Christmas Eve service.  No hanging out with friends and their families.  And (a little to my surprise) no being sad about family or feeling alone.

I watched Elf and Home Alone, made tacos, and just spent the rest of the day listening to the Lord and reading.  OK, and snapchatting too (my recent obsession).   No keeping up appearances, needing to be social, large groups of people, or having to explain why Christmas isn't raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens for me.  To my surprise, a day like this is just what I needed.  I am grateful that the Lord gives us good gifts and directs our steps, even in the minor things like managing a social calendar.  He is so good.

Reflections on Mary, the Mother of Jesus

One of the things that's become an integral part of my spiritual growth this semester is meditative journaling.  Perhaps I'll write more about that at some point.  In short, the he main idea is that instead of telling God what you want him to know (e.g., prayer journaling, etc), you ask Him what He wants to tell you and then you write down what you feel like He says.  I've really grown to treasure this practice in my own life and God has really used this on this leg of my spiritual journey.

This morning, as I was doing my meditative journaling, I felt like the Lord helped me to see the Christmas story more from Mary's eyes than I ever had before.  Obviously as someone who is from the modern West, in her mid-30s, never engaged, and career minded, it's tough to put myself into the shoes of an engaged middle eastern Jew in her early teens who was visited by an angel and told she would give birth to the Messiah.  But the Lord helped me and I understand the story in a different way than I ever have before.

When Mary was first visited by the angel and received his message that she had found favor with God, her first response was confusion and she was disturbed.  After the angel subsequently told her she would have a baby, name Him Jesus, and that He would reign over Israel in a Kingdom that would never end, she obediently embraced this news.  "I am the Lord's servant.  May everything you have said about me come true."  When Mary visits her friend and relative Elizabeth later in her pregnancy, Elizabeth says, "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said."

Is it really that easy?  Is it really just as simple as leading a life that the Lord finds favor with and then walking in the plan that He has for you?  I find myself comforted by that thought.  I don't need to arrange any great heroics -- I just need to humbly submit to the plans that the Lord has for me and trust that He will work out the details.

That's not to say it will be easy.  Here are some excerpts of what the Lord told me this morning as I was doing my meditative journaling.

Mary was visited by an angel of the Lord who brought her "good news" -- but just like her good news upset her impending plans and probably wasn't aligned with her 5, 10, or 30 year plans, neither are my plans for you.  At this point in the story [Christmas Eve], Mary was very pregnant, uprooted from her support system, and traveling to fulfill bureaucratic requirements -- all while carrying the hope of the world, the Messiah, inside of her.  Then she arrived in Bethlehem and not only was the red carpet not rolled out for her, she ended up having a baby in the most disgusting, unlikely, humble of all situations.  The baby was Jesus, and He saved the world.  I gave Him a great cost to me and to Him -- and I did it through Mary.  Her circumstances weren't cushy or fancy: but she obeyed and I did provide for her -- and I will do the same for you.  So as you feel the discomfort and the weight of what I am asking you to do, know that I can accomplish great things through the most humble, unlikely circumstances and that all that is required is obedience and walking in the path I have prepared for you -- even when it seems crazy.

Mary didn't have to hustle and network and explain and make pitches to important people.  She didn't have to justify the legitimacy of her plans to others.  The Lord prepared a plan for her, told her about it, and then she believed it and walked in it.  That's it -- and we remember and honor her 2000 years later because of her obedience and because she found favor with God.  Incredible.  May the same be said of me someday - that I found favor in the eyes of the Lord and I humbly and obediently walked in the plans He prepared for me.