Crazy Developments

There's a lot of life that I don't talk about on this blog for lots of reasons -- to protect the privacy of those involved in my life who don't want to be blogged about, because nothing is certain and therefore blogging about it is premature, because this blog isn't private, and so on.  There are all kinds of reasons not to write about all kinds of things.  As a result, there are lots of things that aren't documented on this blog.

One of those things (I think) is the fact that in the middle of this year, I was recruited to join staff with Cru, a college ministry.  While I was initially thinking that I would not apply to join staff, to my great surprise when I prayed about it I felt the Lord leading me to apply.  So that was the plan.  I lined up my references and looked over the application.

Because of the stuff with the Protege Program (i.e., feeling unmistakably led to apply, but ultimately not being accepted into the program), I was careful not to emotionally overcommit to the idea. While I knew the next step of the process was to apply, I was not sure if the Lord would ultimately lead me to join staff or not.  Through the process, I was forced to face and deal with some habitual and generational sin, and admit that money had become an idol to me.  It was not easy or pretty, but in the end it was good.

But then, in a series of events that probably isn't bloggable yet is not-to-be-believed and crazy improbable, I have been approached to stay on at the U of A in a job that is better suited to my strengths than even my current one, where I don't have to raise my own support to work here, and that will allow me to continue to invest in the lives of college students.  I am floored.  I am shocked.  This truly is beyond belief.

Though nothing is yet official, I believe that the next step will be to be here for a year.  I can't believe it.  Literally.  I really can't.

On the one hand it's absolutely crazy that after all of this fuss and hullabaloo, I will be doing -- to the untrained eye -- more or less the same thing.  On the other hand, this is so improbable, so unlikely, and so humanly impossible that I absolutely cannot ignore that the hand of God is in this.

I feel like the Holy Spirit is telling me that in most every way I am about to embark on a new chapter.  I am excited to see what lies ahead.  It is both exciting and a little wild to think about.  To what lies ahead -- whatever that is.  Here we go!

Sad sad sad

Life is just crazy, and things have been an emotional roller coaster these days -- things at work, things at home, things in my personal life.  Everything seems like it's up in the air or hard or sad.

Coworkers having biopsies.

Life at home continuing to be messy for my parents.

The stars aligning for (another) (im)perfect storm at work next year.
No news on what comes next for me professionally or vocationally.
Students with advanced cancer struggling personally and financially.
An emotionally absent father who just turned 70 and still acts like he's five.
Still living with a family and not having a home of my own to invite people to or cook in.
Assuming extra jobs at work because we are so short staffed and having to take things day by day (even though I feel like the things I do are not valued or appreciated, or helpful to me personally or professionally).
Looming unemployment, bringing with it the end of health insurance, retirement contribution, and a sense of structure to my days.
The loss of a close friendship that still stings (and if I'm honest, sometimes makes me mad).
Students losing parents and grandparents.

It's tough.  I'm exhausted.  Today after an especially heavy faculty meeting, I just want to cry.

Yet as I write this, I am reminded that God says that His strength is made perfect in weakness; He bottles each of my tears; He has written my story before the foundation of time and will work things together for my good; and that I need to work as though I am working unto the Lord.

In short, I need to trust Him.  In the face of all of this, I have no other choice.  Life is so hard.  I have no idea how people make it through without Jesus.

The Last Year

Today in the car I was thinking, "Wow, I think it's been a year since my life plan was derailed."  I looked at my calendar and, sure enough, it has been.

On February 27, 2013 I went to lunch with my boss, Kim. She is so supportive, and one of the ways it plays out is that she proactively schedules lunch with all of the assistant professors each semester.  While the lunches are great and my boss is even better, these lunches are nerve wracking and somewhat awkward in that I never know what direction the conversation will go.  I always pray in advance of these meetings, asking the Lord to direct our conversation.

At my lunch last February, the talk was serious: we were discussing strategy putting my tenure and promotion package together.  That I would go up for tenure was a foregone conclusion in my mind -- it was the obvious next step, and not really a question.  Whether I would get tenure or not was a question, but I always assumed I would at least try and then the Lord would direct the process from there.

At that lunch in February, Kim insinuated that I should really think about whether or not I even wanted tenure and let that inform whether I should go up for tenure.  I remember being insulted.  Subsequently Kim asked, "Well Sarah, what is it that you really like to do?"

I remember clearly that I had read James that morning.  The verse about asking God for wisdom and the Lord giving it freely and generously came to mind (James 1:5), so I asked the Lord what to say?  I distinctly remember Him telling me to be honest with Kim.  I thought "OMG nothing good can come of that -- the parts of my job that I like the least are the parts that are valued most in the tenure and promotion process and the parts of the job that I like most are valued the least!  I cannot tell Kim that!"  I felt the Lord again tell me, "Be honest with her."

I swallowed hard and obeyed.  I told her how much I liked teaching and advising undergraduate students, and how little I liked securing research funding and managing research.

Kim was supportive.  She listened, and told me I really had to think about what I wanted out of life.  Her question about what I wanted to do launched me on a month of thinking, praying, seeking counsel from anyone and everyone I respected.  And, ultimately, I felt the Lord's leading not to go up for tenure.

This surprised me.  This had been my plan all along, and something I'd been working toward since I graduated from college -- going to grad school to get a PhD, getting a PhD so I could get a tenure track job, getting a tenure track job so I could have job security and teach college kids forever!  This was my plan, and now it was over.  Poof.  Goodbye life plan.  Hello uncertainty, waiting, and the unknown.

Honestly, this is all still very tough.  I never would have imagined a year later, I still wouldn't have a life plan.  I am sad to leave a job that I have enjoyed, that amply provided for me, and that I have had a chance to make (at least a little bit of) a difference doing.  I have loved working with students, and I like my coworkers and will miss working with them.   I long for them to serve Jesus.  I have seen God's favor and blessing on my work here.  And I am going to miss that.  I also miss (the illusion of) feeling like I know where my life is going.

But as much as I am going to miss that, I know that the Lord is leading me elsewhere for the next season.  I don't know where that will be or what I'll be doing, but I trust Him and know that He will reveal that to me in His timing.  I can't believe this all started a year ago and I still don't know what is next.  What a wild ride this has all been.

And I'm sure the next season will be a wild ride too.  Serving Jesus is always an adventure.