Waiting

"You're still here? I thought you were leaving."

"Have you started applying for jobs?"

"What's next?"

These are all questions I hear pretty regularly -- and my answers are, in order:

Yes I'm still here, and I thought I was leaving too.

No I haven't.

Not sure.  Whatever the Lord says to do.

It's been interesting.  I just have this overwhelming sense that this is where I should be right now.  I am very well-supported: my community and friends here are so outstanding -- encouraging, prayerful, fun, and willing to say the hard stuff too.  I am getting the chance to volunteer more in the area of small groups and discipleship.  I am investing in students and friendships.  I am reading a ton about spritual development and small groups and discipleship.

And most of all, I am learning to better discern, hear, and act on what I learn from that still, small voice of the Holy Spirit.

It's interesting when I reflect on what's happened since this time last year.  In the day to day, it feels like nothing's happened -- but when I look back I see how much the Lord has done.

• He has shown me that my identity is in Him, not my childhood or my brains or my job or what I do or give.
• I've quit my job, cashed in my chips, and put my yes on the table.  I will do whatever He wants me to do and go wherever He wants me to go.
• He has helped me to be a much better steward of my money by living on a budget.  I am giving significantly more AND saving more at the same time.
• He has given me an insane amount of courage and boldness.
• He has shown me how many promises there are in scripture, and how they are for me.
• He is growing me in the area of stewarding my emotions, and turning all of them over to Him -- especially anxiety.  He is showing me what it looks like to let the peace of God rule in my heart.
• He has shown me that I need to seek Him -- above knowledge, above opportunities, above knowing what's next.  Seek Him first.  He will work out the rest.
• He has grown me in the area of patience.  A lot.
• He has humbled me further.  It's uncomfortable, but it's so good and I honestly believe it's one of the main keys to receiving His blessing and walking in His anointing in my life.
• He has shown me that I expect people to give me grace while I don't extend the same grace to them.  He is helping me to change this.
• He has shown me that many of the things I grew up being told were liabilities are not.  They are part of the way He intentionally designed me for His glory.

I had this forewarning last spring that I would be in the wilderness for awhile -- wandering without a plan.  Here I am, more than 6 months later still wandering without any idea what's next.  It is uncomfortable.  It isn't my usual M.O.  It's not what I like.  Yet in the midst of this, I find myself contented and knowing that this is what the Lord wants for me right now.  While I wait, I rely on what is becoming one of my favorite promises in the Bible.

Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah and did for Sarah what He had promised.  Genesis 21:1

Humility

One of the things the Lord has been teaching me for the last year -- really since I've been willing to listen -- is how important humility is.  I feel like for me, so much hinges on approaching things with a posture of humility.  It's one of the things that I constantly struggle with.

Humble people are unpretentious and have an appropriately low views of themselves.  Contrast that with the proud, who have really high views of themselves and are arrogant.   Humility says, "I'm not better than you"; pride smirks, "I'm better than you are."

I'll be honest; I was in my office writing all about humility and how much the Lord has taught me about this in the last year and getting ready to post it on the blog.

And then I had to go to court tonight.  I was in an accident in July.  While I was fine, I did not have proof of my insurance with me when I was in the wreck.  In the town where the accident occurred, the judge wanted to meet with everyone who gets tickets -- you couldn't simply pay the fine and move on without meeting with the prosecutor.  Sigh.  While I was initially annoyed by it all, the Lord used this experience to show me that I've got a long way to go when it comes to humility.  A LONG way.

The courtroom was crowded.  The chairs were grimy and gross.  The people who were there aren't generally the type of folks I associate with.  The room smelled like a mix of smoke and stale booze with a hint of BO.  It generally wasn't pleasant.  I was immediately uncomfortable.  I then slipped into my old default response of being judgmental and arrogant.

That's when the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder.  Ahem.  "Jesus died for them too.  You are a sinner too.  You need me, and you know me.  They need me too -- but most of them don't know me.  You all need grace."

And I did.  I really needed grace.  "Lord," I prayed, "Please help me to see them like you see them.  Please help me to love them."

And He began to work immediately.  "Sarah," he reminded me, "you have a support system.  Many of these people don't.  You could buy your way out of this and can pay your fine.  Many of these people can't. You were loved growing up, but many of these people weren't.  And you are loved by me.  And they are too.  I treasure each of them immensely."

And I was moved.  I began praying immediately, repenting of my pride.  Praying for them to know Jesus.  Praying for them to know the hope, love, joy, and peace that He gives freely.  Praying that the Lord would continue to develop a posture of humility in me.  Praying that He is quick to point out when I need to grow, like He did today.

I left the courtroom deeply convicted and changed.  Lessons come in unexpected ways and through unexpected circumstances -- even in an Elkins, AR courtroom.  I am so grateful.

For by the grace given to me I say to every one of you: do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. -- Romans 12:3

PS The prosecutor dropped the charges and I didn't have to pay anything, which was a bonus.  I received grace upon grace in the courtroom today.  Don't think I will forget this day for awhile.

Posture

Since about midsummer, the word "posture" has been going through my brain like it's on repeat. I've felt like God is reminding me about it over and over and I find myself focusing on this simple idea.  Simply put, posture is the way you carry yourself.  Like virtually everything else in the Christian life, we're told that the Lord cares more about the posture of our hearts than anything about our physical appearance, what's on our resumes, or any credentials we've earned.

I've wrestled through what type of posture the Lord wants me to have the last couple months.  Every week or couple weeks I felt like He would reveal a little more to me, like a slowly dripping faucet.  This weekend as I read Barefoot Church, I felt like the Lord just brought everything together in a big tidal wave of revelation.  This quote really got me thinking.

When your posture is incorrect, you'll always be perceived as an enemy or judge.  When your posture is correct, you'll be perceived as an advocate, a person who supports and speaks in favor of or pleads for another.

After reading this, I sat down and made a list of the postures God wants me (and probably most Christ-followers) to assume.

A posture of humility.

A posture of worship.

A posture of service and selflessness.

A posture of gratitude.

A posture of grace.

A posture of reconciliation and restoration.

A posture of dependence.

A posture of submission.

A posture of learning.

A posture of authenticity.

I'll unpack some of these further in the coming days and weeks, but take some time to reflect -- what posture does God want you to assume in your relationships with others and in your relationship with Him?  How can God use your posture to help make you an advocate who supports others?

90 degree turns

Today is the first day of the Protege Program, the character and leadership development program I applied for and was ultimately not accepted to.  Instead of starting a new chapter of life in DC, I am in Arkansas teaching methods and standards.

I truly am excited to see what this season brings.  I know God has big plans for it.  I know God has big plans for this year's Proteges in DC.  I know God has big plans for me in Arkansas.  I am excited for all of us.

This season, God keeps having me take these abrupt 90 degree turns while it feels like I'm moving at 70 MPH.

Don't go up for tenure.

Apply for the Protege program.

But actually, you're not accepted to the program.

Stay in Arkansas for a year.

You're going to teach methods and standards while you're there (!).

Don't get a place of your own; live with a family.

Part of me thinks this road with sharp turns is terrifying.  Part of me thinks it's exciting.  Part of me thinks it's crazy.  Part of me thinks it's reckless.

But all of me feels peace.  All of me knows that the Lord is directing this bizarre path -- and that makes it worth it.

While I have come to have only the foggiest of notions about what lies ahead, I know that the Lord knows how all of the pieces fit together.  I know He knows what I need, and will supply all of those needs at exactly the right time and in the right way.

I've got my seatbelt fastened and my racing helmet on, and I am going to keep on truckin' on this path He is laying out before me.  I will go forward in confidence and with courage, and stay close to Him so I can listen to what He wants to teach me.  And in the end, I will give all the glory to Him.  It belongs to Him alone.

People

"Oh, you're still here?  I didn't think you would be here this year!"

Several students greeted me this way when I first saw them at the beginning of the school year.   Actually, I'm greeted this way a lot - by people from church, friends and acquantainces that I only see every couple months, and so on.  People thought I was leaving Fayetteville, and the Lord's plans for me in the upcoming season would be played out in a different locale.  And, honestly, I did too.

My answers are usually something along the lines of, "Yeah I thought I was leaving too, but I guess God has different plans for me here!"  And while I've believed that since finding out I was going to be here in Fayetteville year, I haven't known exactly what those plans were, or what they'd look like -- but I have believed there's been a reason and that, in the Lord's timing, the reasons would become clear.

I feel like in the last week or so the Lord has started giving me glimpses into the reasons why I am here.  It really boils down to a very simple reason: I am here for people.  I am in Fayetteville to know, love, serve, and invest in people -- students, coworkers, the family I am living with, friends, people at church, and people I have yet to meet.  I feel like in this season, the Lord is going before me and will arrange a lot of divine appointments with people.  I just need to be open and available, walking with and listening to Jesus.  He will point me in the right direction.  He introduce me to all of the people I need to know.  He will be my words, and my voice, and my strength.  He will give me wisdom.

After all, right behind God, isn't it all about people anyway?

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"  Jesus replied, " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:36-40)

Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.  And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:18-20)