Chessly

The other week I was at our church offices after a meeting, and I was meeting a friend for dinner at 9.  I had some time before I was supposed to meet him, so I decided just to wait at church and finish up some work until dinner.

A voice interrupted me.  Since I had left the door unlocked, someone had come into our church and asked, "Um, sorry, but do you know if the last bus has come for the night?"

A bit of background for the non-Fayetteville people -- Arkansas in general and Fayetteville in particular are not places you want to live without a car.  While we do have a small bus system, the schedule is infrequent and the routes are limited.  So, long story short, I told the normal, young-ish looking girl who I assumed was a college student that I didn't know and that I would be happy to look the information up for her online.  She said she thought she'd missed the last bus for the night, walked outside, and thanked me.

And that's when the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit told me to offer her a ride.  So I locked up the church and I did.

Over the course of giving her a ride, that's when I learned she was a domestic abuse victim, she had just left her living situation in Louisiana a few weeks prior, she'd had to leave her dog and sense of security behind, she was drunk on a Wednesday night at 8 PM, she was staying with strangers who were cokeheads, she didn't have a place to live, and her phone had been stolen from the last sketchy guy who she'd stayed with two nights prior.  My heart was broken.  I kept asking the Lord to give me wisdom -- what do I do?  What do I say?

When I dropped her off, it broke my heart.  I asked if I could pray for her.  She initially wouldn't let me, but she then relented.  I sensed the Holy Spirit's presence heavily right there in my little Civic in a sketchy neighborhood praying for my new friend Chessly.  She asked for my number and, after praying for wisdom, I felt like I should give it to her -- so I did.  However, it's been about a month and I haven't heard from her.

I still pray for her; I would appreciate it if you would too.

Like I've explained before, one of the biggest lessons I'm learning now is to just to be faithful to the opportunities the Lord puts in front of you.  I'm also learning that you never know what they will be.

List for the future

When I came back from DC, I felt so blessed -- blessed by people's generosity with their time, their experiences, their resources, and their influence.  I was honored and humbled that these folks I'd admired for so long would spend time with a nobody from Arkansas.  I don't have a title.  I don't have a position in any fancy church.  There's nothing that I can do for them -- but they were generous and giving with everything they had.  I was (and am) so grateful.

As I shared how grateful I was with one of my friends, she said, "Sarah, I think you need to remember how you feel right now.  Remember how grateful you are.  Remember how blessed you were by their generosity.  I really feel like you're going to be in a position to share your wisdom and experiences with others someday, and I think you need to remember what that feels like on the receiving side now before you get in the position to be on the giving side."

From one perspective -- the one I'm living now where I just have a God dream and a day job and no inclination that I'll ever really be in position to be on the giving side -- my friend's suggestion seems sort of silly and foolish and like it's crazy.   However, when Emily said that, her suggestion resonated with my Spirit immediately and I just somehow sensed that she was right.

After I'd had time to think, pray, and process through her suggestion, I sat down with my journal and  asked the Lord to help me make a list of things I would do when I was someday in a position to share my wisdom with others.  Here's the list that emerged.

When I am in a position to share what I have, I will

1. Be generous with my time, inviting those who are interested to come and learn.
2. Invest in others to make myself completely replaceable.
3. Affirm the callings of others.
4. Train my staff to be generous with our time, talent, and treasure.
5. Share with others what I've learned via writing (book, blog, etc).
6. Leverage connections on behalf of others.  Connect people when and how I can.
7. Make everything open-source and share generously with the resources we create.
8. Use my influence to advance the causes of the disadvantaged.

This list came as quickly as I could write -- probably in less than 10 minutes.  This list shocked me, both in its specificity and in some of what it said (I'll have a staff?!  Writing books?! REALLY?!?!?!).  After I praying about it, discussing the list with a few close friends, and really spending time asking God "are you sure this isn't my own imagination?", I think this list is from God -- so now I am putting the list out there.  I am believing by faith that I will somehow, one day do all of these things.

It seems crazy.  I don't see how it is possible.  I cannot see a path for how this will possibly happen.

In the meantime, I am working to be faithful with the resources I have now.  I am writing more in my blog to establish a writing habit and a writing voice (#5).  For those in my spheres of influence, I work to speak life into their lives and affirm their calling (#3).  I am learning to be generous with my own time right now (#1).

I am praying God takes my humble seed of obedience, and grows it into something big and beautiful and of His creation and for His glory. I don't need, expect, or even want credit.  It's all because of and for Jesus.  To Him alone be the glory.

People Development: Lessons from the Trenches

Yesterday, I had some work collaborators come to campus to tie up the loose ends we had on a project we finished this summer. Although the project -- particularly in the last week or two -- was incredibly stressful, in the end the client was very happy with the work that we did for them.  Their preliminary estimate is that the project will net more than a 2,500% ROI (nope, no typo or calculation error; the project results were a slam dunk).

Arriving at the finish line of the project was no easy task -- it just wasn't.  It involved all nighters (which I'm way too old for and never really did during school anyway).  It involved micromanaging someone who just wouldn't do his job without micromanaging.  It required us to go back and double and triple check everything because we couldn't trust that the work was correct.  It was sanctifying and helped me to build patience; no doubt about it.

But the thing is -- the parts of the project that caused me the most frustration and took so much of my time and were so hard to manage?  The client loved them.  They went on and on about how good they were, both during the project and again yesterday.  And secretly I thought to myself, "OMG if you only knew what went into getting you those results and the things you're praising, you would appraise this situation and cast of characters totally differently."

And yesterday, the Lord was quick to point out -- "This is your job.  It is people development.  It is to set people up to be successful.  It is not to use them to do something you can then take the credit for."

And regardless of what my next job is -- professor, discipleship pastor, or something else -- I think I will always be in the people development business.  This year the Lord is teaching me a bunch about developing people.  This isn't something I really expected to learn much about this year, but I am.

I am learning that I need to manage, coach, and reprimand in private.

I am learning that I need to praise, protect, and advocate for others in public.

I am learning that I need to not care about who gets credit.

I am learning that I need to care about the job getting done well, and people learning in the process -- and if they get the credit for something that I've done, that's ok.

I am learning that it's not a win if people need me to be successful.  That's another form of pride.

I am learning that I need to set people up to be successful and, in time, independent.

In short, I am learning Kingdom economics and management principles.  I am learning that my biggest successes will come if I become completely replaceable -- if I am able to raise up and help train leaders who can do what I do, with their own signature style.  I am learning that my best success will be training people who can take over my job -- over time hopefully better than and independently of me.   And when those people can raise up leaders to replace themselves?  That's the ultimate win because then the vision becomes scalable.

And in short, that's how Jesus told us to make disciples.  I am learning how to do that, and how to care most about just serving Jesus and working to love and develop others -- regardless of who gets the credit.

God's plans

During my visit to NCC, I felt like I heard really clearly from God.  I was grateful.  One morning while I was doing some meditative journaling, I felt like God was asking me a question:

"Sarah, do you understand me?"

I was taken aback.  I though for a sec.

"Well, um, no.  Not really.  I mean I guess I get glimpses of what you're like, but I would go with a 'No, I don't understand you.'"

He replied quickly but gently.

"Well then why would you understand my plans?"

Touche.  It was a moment of clarity, and I was (and am) grateful for it.

Since that time, I've been able to embrace a lot more uncertainty.  I've spent a lot less time trying to figure things out, and a lot more time just trying to seek God instead of just seeking His will or guidance for what comes next.

If I am following God, He will reveal in His timing what comes next.
If I am following God, the details of what comes next are a lot less important than the process of learning to trust Him unconditionally.
If I am following God, really the rest just matters a whole lot less.
And that is liberating.
And I am grateful.

Development - First Check-In

I wrote way back when about how i felt the Lord telling me this would be a year of development.  I wrote about how what I thought that meant wasn't actually what it meant.  Now that -- mercifully -- we're approaching Thanksgiving break and are more than a third of the way through my last academic year at the U of A, I'd like to check in and reflect a little bit.

It's really funny to read back on what I thought development might look like when the Lord first whispered that to me in August.  It turned out to be pretty right on -- the year of development was going to be about developing my character.  When I wrote the original post about it, I apparently had some clarity.  Over the next couple months, however, my view of development became skewed and less accurate.

You see, somehow in my mind development became about acquiring skills, building a network, filling my head with knowledge, and all kinds of other noble goals.  Development became about things that, at least from a worldly perspective, are great.  And so I dived in with great abandon to reading books and meeting with people and trying to make contacts and get experiences that would help me to be a good discipleship pastor.

And then I felt God clearly saying to stop.
Stop reading.
Stop trying to leverage the wisdom of the collective.
In short, to stop trying to make this happen on my own and instead to trust that God Himself would speak to me and tell me what to do next in His timing.

The year of development has not been about learning skills, organizing and leading small groups, or volunteering at church -- it has been about teaching classes I don't know anything about, stepping in to fill roles that are needed in our department even though I don't have time or the capability to do so, choosing to believe that God's grace IS sufficient for me when I feel stretched beyond my human capabilities, learning to follow well and honor those in authority over me, being faithful to the opportunities that God puts in front of me, and learning to trust that God will provide me with exactly what I need to get through one day at a time.  It has been about learning how to take care of myself and how to rest when life is stressful.  It has been about honing my ability to listen to God (without finishing His sentences) and prioritizing time with Him.  It has been about learning to be content and grateful when circumstances are tough.  It has been about embracing uncertainty and trusting God with the future.

It has been hard, but it has been good.  While I don't pretend to understand God's plan (more on that later), I can see how these life lessons are more valuable than anything I could learn from books.  I am grateful that the Lord's wisdom exceeds my own and that He is orchestrating the circumstances of my life to prepare me so that I will have the character I need to walk in whatever He calls me to next -- whatever that is.

Finishing the Sentence....

"Discipleship pastor," I heard the Lord say.

It was clear.  It was random.  It was unmistakable.  And when I felt like He told me to apply to the Protege Program, I thought that meant that I was done at the U of A and would be leaving for DC this past August. 

Nope, wrong.

"Daily bread,"  I heard the Lord whisper to me late last spring.

Oh, I thought.  That means He will provide the support I need to do the Protege program, but on a just in time basis.

Nope, wrong.

"Development," God told me.

Aha.  I need to volunteer more and get more involved at church!  I will be reading a whole bunch of books and gaining the skills I need to be a discipleship pastor by volunteering.

Nope, wrong.

"Don't live with Katie," I sensed the Lord saying.

Man, that sucks.  I love Katie!  Well I guess the Lord is leading me to live with Emily instead!  Oh wait, that's not what He's saying?  I guess He will provide at the last minute so I can live with someone else my age-ish.

Nope, wrong.

I went through a period where basically everything I've thought the Lord's saying had been wrong.  But as I look back and reflect, it hasn't been wrong -- I've just been trying to finish His sentences for Him.  That's not really the way it works; it's not my job to finish God's sentences for Him, it's my job to follow Him.  I've been learning what this looks like, slowly but surely.  I'm learning to dial back the expectations of a big picture vision all at once.  I'm learning to trust Him when the path is completely ambiguous.  I'm learning to be able to sit in silence and just enjoy time with Him, even when we are both quiet.  It is hard.  At times, it's awkward.  But it is good, and definitely something I need to be learn.  One more thing I'm learning during this year of development.

Discipleship pastoring

After I had the conversation with Heather, I realized that I already was a pastor.   I care for the spiritual development of others in formal and informal contexts.  I regularly hang out with a couple college kids, intentionally investing in their spiritual development.  Friends agree I have the spiritual gift of shepherding or pastoring.  I am working hard to follow the Lord's lead, being faithful to the opportunities that the Lord puts in front of me and making disciples at work and at church.

"Huh, I guess I already AM a discipleship pastor," I thought to myself.  Who knew?!

No idea what the Lord means when He says I'll be a discipleship pastor.  Maybe it will be in a formal context, like a category 3.  While I don't think it will be in IE, it could be in another vocation where I am a category 1 or 2 discipleship pastor.

The bottom line is that I have no idea, and ultimately -- at least for now -- it doesn't matter.  I am just working to stay close to Jesus and follow Him on each step of this incredibly confusing, nonlinear path.  He will make things clear in His timing. I do know that, in this season of waiting and transition, that the Lord is building into me character, stamina, and an ability to hear His voice.  That will be invaluable regardless of what comes next.

Adventure

When I was in DC, my friend Maegan was driving and we missed a turn.  "Eh, it's no big deal.  If we get lost, we will have an urban adventure!" I said.  Then we got blocked in at the gas station or something, and we had to do a 20 point turn.  "Oh well, an adventure."  She subsequently suggested I write a blog post about adventure.  It's been one of the things rattling around in my mental queue for a month or so, and now I think I am ready to take the leap and to write about it.

I guess it wasn't until my trip to DC that I realized how much I said that -- "this is an adventure."  I credit a lot of that to my mom; "adventure" was something she said to us a lot growing up.  She worked to find fun and interesting experiences in the ordinary and the mundane, even with the limited resources we had.  I am grateful to her for those lessons.

I also credit a lot of it to lessons I'm learning these days as the Lord develops my character.  One of the things that I've learned during this year of development is that there are lots of times when I cannot control the situation I find myself in.  What I do have control over, however, is the attitude I have.  This is why I choose to view things that are on the unpleasant side -- getting lost, teaching a new class I don't know anything about, not having a life plan beyond May 2014 -- as an adventure.  It helps to reframe the situation and improves my attitude -- and helps me to see the wonder and fun in situations that I used to see as scary, annoying or unpleasant.  It also helps me to get my eyes off the discomfort and to work to learn and keep my eyes on what God is trying to teach me.

So this is why I choose to view life as an adventure -- and let me tell you, I am having one heck of an adventure this year!

Daily Bread

Earlier this year -- sometime in late spring -- I felt the Lord telling me He would give me my daily bread.  I thought to myself, "Wow, that's simultaneously reassuring and super uncomfortable."

Let me explain. I'm not used to living on the daily bread model where you get just enough to last for today and then tomorrow, you get to repeat the process of living in complete dependence all over again.  I'm used the full refrigerator model.  I'm used to a stocked pantry that has more options than I could dream of model.  I'm used to a corner grocery store model where I can use my own resources to restock when and with what I want to.  In short, I'm used to being self sufficient and getting what I want, when I want it, and being able to get it myself thankyouverymuch.

But none of that is the daily bread model.  The Lord is taking me through a season where indeed, I get my daily bread and I don't have a bit left over when the day is done.

I thought I was going to be gone this year.  I thought for sure I would live in DC and get some training to pursue the dream God had put in my heart to be a discipleship pastor.  I thought my time in Fayetteville was done and it was time to move on, so I had begun emotionally divesting at work.  When I found out I would be here, I was confused and not sure how I would make it through another year doing my job. 

But the Lord is giving me my daily bread as I spend one last year investing in the lives of industrial engineering students.

I was supposed to teach one class this semester -- one that is in my area of expertise and that I've taught a similar version of before.  Instead, I was teaching two classes, including one that I knew nothing about and was learning about as I went.  And then a coworker had a heart attack and I felt the Lord prompting me to volunteer to teach his classes too -- so now I'm teaching a second class I know nothing about.  Three classes in total, instead of the one I'd planned on.  I feel stretched WAY beyond my capacity to be able to do this.  It is intellectually and emotionally exhausting to not feel like I know which way is up and how I will make it through each day.

But the Lord is giving me my daily bread at work.

I was going to live with my roommate Katie this year, but instead we both felt the urging that it was time to move on.  Then I was going to live with my friend Emily, but it ended up not working out.  Then I was going to live with Anna; no dice.  Then I looked for a place on my own.  NOTHING was working, so I moved in with a family from my community group into their spare bedroom.  I moved 95% of my stuff into storage.  I had no idea how it was going to work to live with a family with two teenaged girls.

But the Lord is giving me my daily bread as I live with the Johnsons.  And actually, it has been great!

The other morning I was doing my meditative journaling wondering how in the world I was going to do all that needed done, I felt like the Lord told me, "My grace IS sufficient for you.  Whether or not you choose to believe it is your choice --  but my grace IS sufficient for you.  You need to rely on me for everything."  

So that's what I've been learning and working on.  Learning to rely on the Lord for everything, and trusting that He alone has my daily bread -- not my friends, not my intelligence, not my savings account, not my resourcefulness, not my work ethic.  Only the Lord can give me my daily bread.  I am learning to trust Him for everything and to live in complete dependence.  Period.  It's a hard lesson, but a good one.

Women Pastors?

During my trip to DC, I had a chance to meet with Heather Zempel.  She has been a from-a-distance role model and mentor for me for a long time.  When the Lord whispered in my spirit "discipleship pastor", I thought of her immediately.  Female, engineer, discipleship pastor?  The world may soon have two; still waiting to see how the Lord leads me on that one.  But it already has one -- a great one -- in the form of HZ, and I was so appreciative of her willingness to take time to meet with some random, unknown person from Arkansas during my visit.

One of the biggest questions I had for Heather was about women in role of pastor.  While she has written about this on her own blog and even done a couple podcasts about the subject, the answer that she gave me in person was so helpful and insightful that I have to share it here.

Heather went on to break down what it meant to be a shepherd or pastor into three categories.

1. Pastor or shepherd as a spiritual gift.  A person with the spiritual gift of shepherding or pastoring is responsible for overseeing, training and caring for Christians; they are generally patient, people-centered, and willing to spend time in prayer for others.  People with the spiritual gift of shepherding just naturally assume shepherding roles in their friend groups, workplaces, or other spheres of influence.  They guide, direct, and lead people spiritually.  They help bring them back when they wander off spiritually.  They protect them from spiritual danger. They just naturally gravitate towards caring for the spiritual needs of others, regardless of their vocations or official ministry titles.
2. Pastor or shepherd as a role.  People can assume roles that are those of a pastor or shepherd.  For example, small group leaders are assume roles where they care for the members of their group.  In a formal discipleship relationship, the discipler is acting in the role of a pastor or shepherd.  There are other examples as well where a person assumes a formal role as a pastor or shepherd.
3. Pastor or shepherd as a title or position of authority.  This is what people generally think of when they hear the word "pastor" -- this is someone who leads a church or a spiritual movement or something, generally as a vocation.  This is a title of authority that is bestowed on an individual by others (e.g., a congregation, a group of elders, etc).

Heather went on to explain that most people except the very fringes of the theologically conservative wouldn't have any problems with women being pastors in the first two categories -- using a spiritual gift or functioning in the role of a pastor or shepherd by, say, leading a women's Bible study.  When dealing with the issue of women pastors, it gets dicy when we think about women in the third category -- the title or position of authority.

She explains a bit more about her own calling and opinions on her blog and on the podcasts, so I don't presume to speak for her here.  However, I took several things away from our conversation worth sharing.  The biggest takeaways for me were:

• Never seek the title or role of pastor.  If the title or role is given to you by others and the Lord leads you to accept it, that's great.  But seeking the title just for the title itself is not wise and will probably lead to all kinds of unintended (and probably counterproductive) consequences like having to "prove" your calling, trying to convince others of the legitimacy of your ministry, and so on.  All of this can really detract from your ability to effectively spiritually care for those you're entrusted with.
• Always be humble enough to step out of the role if this is what the Lord is leading you to.  Even if it's not originally about getting the title of pastor but the title of pastor finds you, it's important to be humble enough to follow the Lord's leading out of the role of pastor just like you followed the Lord's leading into the role if that is how He leads.
• Our overriding concern should always be whether having women pastors makes the Gospel more attractive.  In urban, progressive contexts, for example, having a women preach and serve as a pastor can deconstruct walls and disassemble preconceived notions people have about the church.  This can allow them to hear the Gospel more clearly since they are able to get past some of their preconceived notions about the church.  In conservative, more traditional contexts, however, people may not be able to hear the message that we ultimately want them to hear if they cannot get past the fact the that it's a woman delivering it.  This is a case where having women pastors can the Gospel less attractive.  If having women pastors makes the Gospel more attractive, we should have women pastors.  If not, we shouldn't.  The overriding priority isn't and should never become proving something about gender roles in the church; it should be about making the name of Jesus famous and making disciples of Him.

I am kind of in this place now where I will just follow the Lord and do whatever He tells me.  If that involves becoming a pastor, then I will become a pastor.  It it involves something else, then I want to be faithful to doing whatever that is.  I trust the Lord in His leading, and believe that He will make the next steps clear to me in His timing.  In the meantime, however, I am really grateful for Heather's time and wisdom as I listen and work to figure out what the Lord has next for me.

Be Faithful to the Opportunities God Puts in Front of You

I wrote just a little bit about some of the things I'd learned on my trip to DC.  Probably the biggest thing I learned was to be faithful to the opportunities that the Lord puts in front of you, and to make disciples in that context.

Refreshingly simple.  Deeply challenging.  If done with the Lord's help, incredibly fruitful.

I loved (and continue to love) this simple mantra for several reasons.

First, it is what Jesus did and I can't think of an example I'd rather follow.  End of story.  Second, it's incredibly practical.  When God puts an opportunity in front of you, it is generally either in your sphere of influence or it's something wild and crazy that He's going to partner with you to put resources behind.  Finally, it's just something that boils down many of the instructions we are given in scripture into something that is concise and powerful.

This phrase has been on repeat in my brain since returning to Fayetteville.  It is helping me to finish out this school year.  It has provided meaning to my days and to my interactions with friends, students, and coworkers.  It has helped me see that this season of waiting and preparation for whatever lies ahead need not be fruitless.

So, as the Lord continues to challenge me in ways that I didn't anticipate and I'd be really tempted to say that I cannot handle, I pray that the Lord would give me the strength and grace and resources to be faithful to each and every one of the opportunities that he puts in front of me.  I pray that He would bless me with the opportunities to share and model the light of Jesus, and that I would be able to make disciples wherever I go -- whether it's sharing Jesus with a domestic abuse victim or teaching a renewable energy course or just having coffee with a friend.

"Kids" these Days

I remember when I first graduated from graduate school, a 27 year old newly minted PhD.  I was extremely uncomfortable with my newly-earned title of Dr. Root.  I remember that I fought it for a long time, thinking it sounded old and stuffy and arrogant.  I remember feeling a lot more comfortable being called "Sarah".  I remember feeling like I had a lot more in common with the graduate students than I did with my colleagues.

Seven years later, all that has changed.  One other thing has changed too -- the way I refer to our students.

I remember when I first took this job I was irrationally obsessed with calling the people I taught "students".  When colleagues or staff people would call them kids, I'd bristle.  "They're 18 (or 21 or 24).  They are old enough to vote and be drafted.  They're not kids, they're adults."

This year, I've noticed that I've started to call my students kids.  And I've noticed that it's because they often act like kids.  Yes they could vote or be drafted or even have children of their own -- but in many cases, they act like kids.  And maybe even more than that, I'm ok with calling them kids because I love many of them like kids.  I see the potential in them.  I want them to make good choices, but know that a lot of times the best way for kids to learn is by making mistakes and overestimating their abilities.  Sometimes they frustrate the crap out of me.  But I am grateful that the Lord has put them in my path for a semester or for a year or however long our lives intersect.

And maybe calling them kids means that I'm getting older, too -- I can accept that :)  It's been a good run.  I love these kids and I am grateful for the seven years I've had at the University of Arkansas serving them and loving them.  What a blessing.  I will miss them next year when I'm gone.