My Life Plan: To Follow Jesus. Period.

As part of a conversation I was having the other day, someone asked me, "What comes after [the program I've applied for] if you get in?"  I paused for a second, and told the truth: "I have no idea."

I am 33, about to turn 34.  I've been in school for 22 years.  I've been spending an additional six years working towards tenure in an academic career, something I feel beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was supposed to pursue.

But as certain as I am that I was supposed to pursue an academic career and live in Fayetteville, I feel with equal certainty that God is calling me into unknown territory and not go up for tenure after all.

I'll be honest; it's all very confusing.  Nowadays I feel like I am on a "need to know" basis with God; He tells me just enough to take a single step of faith.  After I step out and take that step of faith, I sit there and wait for the next step to be revealed.  And in moments of doubt, I can own up to thinking "OMG #@$#@$@#$ is going on?!?!  Why am I doing this?!?!  These decisions make no sense!!"

It's not like this season is comfortable, but I know in my heart and in my spirit that it is good and that this is the right thing.  He is refining me and teaching me what it really means to BE STILL and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).  It's not how I'm wired, but it is good to be learning.  I know it will ultimately lead to fruit and will refine me further.

So here I am.  I am 33.  I have several letters after my name, but I don't have many of the things people my age do -- a house, a husband, kids, etc.  Most unsettling to me, I don't even feel like I have a life plan anymore!

I feel like God is telling me to abandon my career.

I feel like God is preparing me to move away from a place that I've put down roots and where made deep friendships.  It's a place that I love.

I feel like God is asking me to step away from a life where I feel like He is allowing me to make a difference in the lives of students.

And just when I feel like, "I cannot do this.  This is too hard.  I'd rather stick to MY life plan.  Remember those days when I had a life plan?!?" the Lord reminds me that I am, in fact, not without a life plan at all.  He has it all planned out and orchestrated.  It will work out for my good.  My plan just needs to be to follow Him.  Paradoxically, it is incredibly simple and amazingly hard.  It doesn't feel like much of a "plan" to be waiting and listening -- but honestly, can you think of a better life plan than to walk in the very path that the Creator of the universe has uniquely prepared for you?  This causes me to breathe a little easier.

God has been gracious to remind me over and over that the notion of an "easy" life following Him is faulty and probably more of an American idea than a Jesus idea.  Following Him involves risk and sacrifice.  And so here I am, at 33 learning that following Jesus is enough.  I do not need one other single thing -- I don't need a house, a spouse, a savings account, a retirement plan, health insurance, a place to live come August 1, or even a life plan.   I only need Him.  I would have said I knew that before, but I am learning it in a much more tangible way now.

Life out in the Desert

It's been about four months since all of this craziness ensued -- deciding whether or not to go up for tenure, ultimately discerning that the Lord was leading me in another direction, trying to figure out what direction He was leading me, applying for an opportunity, and waiting.

And waiting.

There has been lots of waiting.  I don't know how the Israelites did this for 40 years.  I don't know how the woman with the issue of blood dealt with it for 12 years.  I've been here for only four months, and I'm ready for some answers and to get a move on, please.  A nice American attitude I've learned.

Since I've decided I'm not going up for tenure, I've applied only for one opportunity -- a character and leadership development program at a church.  The Lord told me with crystal clarity that I needed to apply for it.  He confirmed it time and again after I submitted my application.  I have essentially operated under the assumption that this is what He has next for me, and have been living my life accordingly -- but without any concrete evidence like an offer that this opportunity would pan out or actually happen.

I thought that I'd get some answers last Friday about whether or not I've been accepted to the program I've applied for.  Friday came and went by with nary a peep.  And Saturday.  And Sunday.  And Monday.  And most of Tuesday.

Tuesday afternoon/evening I got a request for a followup phone call.  Some of the decision makers wanted more information about my situation, my story, and -- I think -- my attitude and outlook on all of this.

And you know what?  After several days of constantly battling anxiety, frustration about missed deadlines and wondering what would happen if this wasn't next next, this conversation put me at peace.  It was a candid conversation with honesty and openness on both sides.  Serious and challenging questions that didn't have clean, easy answers were posed.  I believe the Lord gave me grace to answer honestly and respectfully.  I was very, very impressed with the way things were handled by those doing the question-asking.

I emerged from the conversation reassured of several things.

God is in control of my life.  I was created by Him and He has prepared good works for me to do in advance.  Whether it's this program or not, He has a plan for my life.  Yes, He is asking me out of the boat and to step on the water toward Him in faith by quitting my job without a plan in place of what's next.  Yes, He told me to run toward this opportunity -- but maybe it was about trusting Him and not this opportunity in particular being what's next in the plan.

I still hope to be accepted to this program I've applied to.  My conversation with the leader of the program had this paradoxical effect of making me want to learn from these people even more, and completely setting my mind at ease that if I am not accepted, that it is the right decision.

I have been told I will probably hear today.  I hope the answer is that, yes, I am accepted to the program.  I really, really want to be a part of this program, what the Lord is doing in a city that I love, and I want to learn from and be friends with the people in the program.  But if the answer is no, I know that this is not the plan God has for me.  I have peace that God's plan is something different.

And if I don't hear today, I can accept that as well.

God is sovereign over life everywhere -- even in the desert when we are wandering, waiting, and listening for His voice.  I want to trust Him everywhere.  No one likes the desert, but you sure do learn a lot out here.

EDITED TO ADD - The day I wrote this came and went and now it's Saturday.  I think the church takes Monday off since they work on Sundays -- so looks like I won't hear until at least Tuesday.  And while it's not what I had hoped or planned for, that is ok.