My Life Plan: To Follow Jesus. Period.

As part of a conversation I was having the other day, someone asked me, "What comes after [the program I've applied for] if you get in?"  I paused for a second, and told the truth: "I have no idea."

I am 33, about to turn 34.  I've been in school for 22 years.  I've been spending an additional six years working towards tenure in an academic career, something I feel beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was supposed to pursue.

But as certain as I am that I was supposed to pursue an academic career and live in Fayetteville, I feel with equal certainty that God is calling me into unknown territory and not go up for tenure after all.

I'll be honest; it's all very confusing.  Nowadays I feel like I am on a "need to know" basis with God; He tells me just enough to take a single step of faith.  After I step out and take that step of faith, I sit there and wait for the next step to be revealed.  And in moments of doubt, I can own up to thinking "OMG #@$#@$@#$ is going on?!?!  Why am I doing this?!?!  These decisions make no sense!!"

It's not like this season is comfortable, but I know in my heart and in my spirit that it is good and that this is the right thing.  He is refining me and teaching me what it really means to BE STILL and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).  It's not how I'm wired, but it is good to be learning.  I know it will ultimately lead to fruit and will refine me further.

So here I am.  I am 33.  I have several letters after my name, but I don't have many of the things people my age do -- a house, a husband, kids, etc.  Most unsettling to me, I don't even feel like I have a life plan anymore!

I feel like God is telling me to abandon my career.

I feel like God is preparing me to move away from a place that I've put down roots and where made deep friendships.  It's a place that I love.

I feel like God is asking me to step away from a life where I feel like He is allowing me to make a difference in the lives of students.

And just when I feel like, "I cannot do this.  This is too hard.  I'd rather stick to MY life plan.  Remember those days when I had a life plan?!?" the Lord reminds me that I am, in fact, not without a life plan at all.  He has it all planned out and orchestrated.  It will work out for my good.  My plan just needs to be to follow Him.  Paradoxically, it is incredibly simple and amazingly hard.  It doesn't feel like much of a "plan" to be waiting and listening -- but honestly, can you think of a better life plan than to walk in the very path that the Creator of the universe has uniquely prepared for you?  This causes me to breathe a little easier.

God has been gracious to remind me over and over that the notion of an "easy" life following Him is faulty and probably more of an American idea than a Jesus idea.  Following Him involves risk and sacrifice.  And so here I am, at 33 learning that following Jesus is enough.  I do not need one other single thing -- I don't need a house, a spouse, a savings account, a retirement plan, health insurance, a place to live come August 1, or even a life plan.   I only need Him.  I would have said I knew that before, but I am learning it in a much more tangible way now.