Lessons from my Trip to NCC

I've spent the weekend and the last few days learning from folks at National Community Church.  It's sort of surreal, given that I've always respected them and have learned so much from them since I began reading Pastor Mark's blog and listening to their podcasts in 2004 or 2005.

In even the brief few days since I've been here, I've learned so much from them.  Here are some of the biggest highlights I've taken away.

• Generosity is critical.  On Sunday morning, I went to the Barracks Row location and helped to serve donuts before the first service.  Many of the folks in line for the donuts were homeless people from across the city.  "Can I have four glazed and one strawberry donut?" my first "customer" asked.  I didn't know what to do, but I just gave him the donuts he asked for.  When I later asked someone on staff about it, she told me I had done the right thing.  "I'd rather be generous and taken advantage of than to not be generous -- because if I'm not generous, then it's my fault," she explained.  And the staff at NCC has modeled this for me so well.  So many people gave selflessly of their time to meet with me.  They gave me no holds barred access to everything that they've done, the meetings they attend, explained how they do things, gave me rides, and really went above and beyond to make sure I felt comfortable, welcomed, and included.  I was floored by their generosity and willingness to give WAY beyond their level of comfort or convenience.
• Leaders raise up other leaders.  Everyone I've met with is incredibly competent -- from the admins to the team leaders, people just really seem equipped and good at what they're doing.  I guess what strikes me is that the people I've met with seem to strategically identify folks who are talented, invest in them, and then raise them up.  They're not threatened by the success of others, but the opposite -- they invest in others to help make them successful.  They're secure in their positions and are working to raise up leaders to replicate themselves.  This helps to make the vision scalable and this is what Jesus actually did with His own disciples.
• It doesn't matter who gets the credit -- we give all credit to Jesus.  This was a quote from Pastor Mark in the staff meeting.  He continued, "Hopefully what we do will bring glory to His name.  But we don't fight about who gets the credit."  We should allow people to function in their giftedness and celebrate it when they are successful.  Leaders who are insecure will create a culture of insecurity.  Create a culture of wins and playing to peoples' strengths instead.  Celebrate what you want to see repeated.
• It's going to be a continuous process not trying to figure things out.  But stop.  Work like it depends on you, pray like it depends on God.  Just follow Jesus and trust Him and stop trying to figure things out.  You wouldn't understand it anyway.
• Seasons of waiting are like super-concentrated, rich soil in which a seed can grow.  The seed doesn't need help, it doesn't need some special kind of water -- what it needs is time.  Waiting is not sexy -- you're not going to see someone going on Oprah or Ellen talking about how they're waiting.  It's tough to get people excited about -- but you just have to trust that the Lord is in control and wait.  The sooner you get excited about where the Lord has you, the sooner you'll calm down.
• God has the answers for me, and I need to listen to and trust Him.  People don't have the answers.  Books don't have the answers.  Processes and best practices don't have the answers.  They're all helpful and valuable, absolutely, but God is the one who has the answers for me -- I won't find them in people, and I should not expect to.
• When it comes to issues of women in church leadership, we may be coming at it incorrectly.  Instead of thinking about it in a binary way -- yes women should absolutely be in all ministry roles or no they shouldn't -- we need to think about what makes the Gospel the most attractive.  If women in leadership helps advance the Gospel and make it accessible to a broader audience, then women should be in leadership.  If having women in leadership becomes a barrier to or diminishes the attractiveness of the Gospel, then women shouldn't be in leadership roles there.  THis depends almost entirely on context.
• I don't understand God.  Why would I expect to understand His plans?  It's probably better for me at this point just not to know what's next.  When the Lord wants me to know, He will let me know.  Until then, I will just wait.

The experience of visiting NCC was such a tremendous blessing.  I feel affirmed in my calling, that I am on the right path following the Lord, and that -- in the Lord's timing -- He will reveal the next step of the plan.  Even better, I made a several friends and an ally during my visit.  I am so excited to continue nurturing these relationships and trusting in the Lord's timing, provision, and direction as He reveals His plans to me.  I am so grateful for the time, kindness, and generosity of the folks at NCC.  What a tremendous blessing they've been to me.

Healing from the Past and Hope for the Future from Unlikely Sources, Part IV of IV

As I reflect on the healing that the Lord has brought through the words of others, a few of my friends, and most of all through time with and help from God Himself, I think about the why -- why does the Lord allow us to be hurt and broken by the sins and pain of others?  And after we're broken, why does He fix us?

The short answer is, I don't know.  But as I have asked God this and thought about it and prayed about it, I've come up with a few hypotheses.

The other week, I was thinking and praying about why some of the things I've gone through hurt so badly and why they had happened to me.  God's answer was clear and direct: "I am building compassion in you."  Alrighty then.  Essentially I've come to believe -- at least in my case -- that the Lord used these situations to build empathy in me for others who are hurting.  I believe He wanted me to know that I need to trust Him above people and above organizations -- ultimately, above anything else.  I believe He used the hurtful situations in my past to draw me to the real Jesus -- not the cheap imitations I'd grown up around.

While everyone's situation is different,  I believe that every hurt we experience hurts God too; that He doesn't cause the pain though He does allow it.  And I do believe that He can redeem these hurts and, somehow, work them together for His good.  I don't pretend to understand how this works, but I can see how He's begun doing this in my life.  I am so grateful for it.

I believe God fixes us because He is good, and because He loves us.  Period.  While I've come to believe that these are two of the main reasons I've come to believe that God fixes us, I think He ultimately uses our hurts and the broken pieces of our past to display His glory and to use us for His service.

I know that God has used the deep hurts I've experienced in and because of the church to help others.  I am ready to be used, and my yes is on the table.  I am willing to use these hurts to help others however I can.

Healing from the Past and Hope for the Future from Unlikely Sources, Part III of IV

A second source that the Lord has used to heal me has been people.  Two people in particular come to mind: my friends Ashley and Austin.  They're not at all alike.  Ashley is a strong, assertive mom of two who is about my age.  She is fearless and walks unapologetically in the gifts of the Spirit. She is artsy and a free spirit with an underlying grit and strength.  Austin is a timid, relatively reserved twenty year old guy who is organized and methodical (typical engineer).  I cannot see him hurting a fly (although, flies -- watch out for Ashley...).  He has a gentle spirit with underlying tenacity and stubbornness.

I love them both, and both have been instrumental in my healing process.

Ashley has modeled for me what it means to walk in strength.  She has shown me how to tap into gifts of the Spirit.  She has called helped me to see that things that I thought were broken, bruised, hopeless were actually what the Lord wanted to use as the foundation for big things.  She has spoken things into being, and used her words to speak life to me when I thought I was broken and beyond repair.  She has given me strength and hope.  She was probably the first person I knew who was walking in the gifts of the Spirit who I could take seriously -- who I didn't think was broken beyond repair or a crackpot.  And she is strong and awesome, and to see her listen to the Spirit and yield to the Lord's leading has been great and a huge example to me.

Austin -- 14 years younger than me and a dude -- has probably been one of the biggest parts of my healing with respect to gender roles which is a huge surprise for so many reasons.  He's one of the main reasons why I began listening to strong female teachers like Lisa Bevere and Joyce Meyer.  He's one of the hungriest people I know when it comes to learning about the Lord and how to walk in the gifts of the Spirit.  He hears the voice of God more clearly than anyone I know.  He is a tremendous encouragement to me, and speaks the Lord's truth.  He is stretching me further and further out of my comfort zone as He learns about and begins to walk in the gifts of the Spirit -- and because of how I trust him and how I see the Lord working in Austin's life, I'm willing to learn more about those things and be open to some of the "crazier" things of the Spirit -- speaking in tongues, for example.  If this were forced on me, I would shut down; however, when Austin tells me about what the Lord is doing in his life and shows it to me, I am willing to hear it because he is so gentle.  It is crazy how the Lord uses the gentle and unassuming.  I am so grateful for Austin, and I believe he is going to bring healing to a lot more people than just me.

I am grateful for these two and the Lord has used them in my life.

Healing from the Past and Hope for the Future from Unlikely Sources, Part II of IV

It really hasn't been until the last couple of years that I've been willing to really deal with how I was hurt in and by churches growing up.  It's been a process and, through the Lord's graciousness, He has helped me heal from these wounds with tenderness, compassion and gentleness.

Help has come from some of the places you'd expect -- counseling, time with the Lord Himself and in the Bible, a loving and non-abusive church.  What's surprised me more, though, is some of the unlikely people and sources the Lord has used as part of the healing process.

Today I will talk about an unlikely source the Lord has used in my healing: He has used people prophesying over me.  

Growing up charismatic, Pentecostal churches, I was no stranger to speaking in tongues and prophecy.  As I began healing from many of the wounds I suffered and giving the God thing another try, though, I distanced myself from situations where these spiritual gifts were employed with regularity.  Over a year ago, I felt God's unmistakable leading to spend a weekend at the International House of Prayer.  I was scared.  I was nervous.  I wondered, "What should I do when I'm there?"  And once I was there, I felt like I needed to visit their prophetic ministry.

"Anything but this, Lord.  Please no!"  I cried in my head.

He did not relent.  I needed to do it.  And to my huge surprise, what was prophesied over me was completely on target and incredibly encouraging.

The first person prophesying began.

I feel like the Lord is removing accusation and the lies of the enemy in this season, and He is speaking identity and love over you.  You keep hearing the accusation but at the same time you begin hearing the truth and your heart is torn.  The Lord is fighting for you in this season -- for your heart to be free and to walk in His love and the freedom of acceptance and confidence. 

Another person continued.

The Lord wants to speak identity to you.  He wants to break off every lie and accusation and come in like a mighty force with truth.  You are beautiful.  You're not "less than."  You are not forgotten.  People have taken so much advantage of you, and the Lord wants to restore that.  There is a season of restoration and refreshing coming.  I feel like there's things you've done and people haven't acknowledged you -- but the Lord acknowledges you.  You bring healing to the brokenhearted.  You have so much compassion and mercy.  You don't like to see people hurting or in need and you do whatever you can to help.

I cried and cried as they prophesied over me.  I listened to this prophecy probably (literally) 100 times.  The first 20 or 30 times I listened to it, I cried.  "Could this be true?" I wondered.  Could it really be that I was loving and compassionate and not argumentative and manipulative like I'd been told over and over growing up?  Could it be that I'd grown up being told lies and not the truth about who I was?

As I prayed about it, played the prophecy over and over, continued in counseling, and put one foot in front of the other, the Lord began healing me. He began showing me even more lies I'd grown up believing, and what the truth was.  Little by little, I was gaining strength and healing -- and it all began with a prophecy which was the last place I would have expected it to start.

Healing from the Past and Hope for the Future from Unlikely Sources, Part I of IV

When I think about the spiritual aspect of how I grew up, it's sad and maybe it was the perfect storm for getting hurt.  First off: me -- I was a strong willed child who, despite putting on fronts that would indicate otherwise, was incredibly sensitive and easily hurt.  Second off: churches that were run by insecure, immature leaders who had strong (and I've come to believe not Biblical) ideas about women and their roles.  They were threatened by others -- particularly women -- who were confident and knowledgable.  They proactively worked to cut others down to size, typically before they even posed a threat to others.  Third off: role models who -- through no fault of their own -- were incredibly hurt and were marginalized and wounded by the immature leadership they'd been under in church settings.  This led me to believe that you were just supposed to "take it" when others devalued and disrespected you.  It also led me to believe that operating out of your strengths was threatening to others and, as a result, should be avoided.

I grew up thinking that this was normal.  I grew up thinking it was normal to have someone bring you to church and be so hurt they would cry in the car because they couldn't bear to go in themselves.  I grew up thinking it was normal to be cut down to size if you knew the answers to too many questions, or if you asked questions that adults didn't have answers for.  I grew up thinking boys were "better" than girls.  I grew up thinking it was normal to have to re-accept Jesus into your heart every week because your salvation was never a guaranteed thing.  I grew up thinking it was normal to fall down every time someone prayed for you.  I grew up thinking that a lot of things that I've come to think are downright incorrect, toxic, and abusive were normal and were, at a minimum, Jesus-approved but probably even Jesus-santioned.

And, as I entered adulthood, I wasn't really sure what to do with all of that but I knew for sure that I didn't like it.

Good Friends

This morning, I was praying with my friend Ashley.  We get together Mondays to catch up, to share what's going on in each others' lives, to laugh, and most of all to pray for each other.  I love these times with my dear friend.

This morning as I shared with her what God was doing in a couple of my friends' lives and how exciting it was, Ashley said, "Sarah you've got some really good friends down here.  It's really incredible to think about where you were three years ago and where you are now."

It is.

It is absolutely incredible -- it's a testament to how the Lord exchanges beauty for ashes; the oil of joy for mourning; a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  It's a testament to how He makes all things new.

The first three years I lived in Arkansas, I had basically no friends.  It led me to experience the dark night of my soul -- an intense three years of depression where I felt utterly hopeless and alone.  It was without a doubt the darkest time in my life.

And then came Jesus.  He lifted me out of the pit.  He slowly and gently put my feet on a solid rock when He knew I was capable of standing again.  And now, He is using me for His glory.

And I think about all of the friends in Arkansas without whom this would not be possible.

• I think about Emily M. who loved me at my most unlovable, who gave me space when I needed it.  I think about our 6 AM meetings at McDonalds to talk and pray every week.
• I think about Ashley C. who was fun and who just listened and shared her experiences with me, reaching out to me when I didn't know anybody.
• I think about Ben and Rachel who invited me over for grilled cheese on a Christmas Eve, and listened and were kind.  I think about how Rachel showed me what it means to be yourself and be completely ok with it.
• I think about Charlie and Heidi who -- even though they probably didn't know it -- helped me to feel safe in church and begin to emerge and heal from spiritual abuse as a child.

These guys all loved me at my worst.  And I think about where I am now, and how the Lord used them to transform my life, I am so humbled.  When I reflect on how the Lord has richly blessed me with such loving, dedicated friends who show me different dimensions of God and allow me to richly experience life, I am overwhelmed.

• I think about Meredith.  I think about how the Lord has filled her with so much more confidence than she had and how He is using her gift of singing.  I think about how over the course of our friendship, we've both become better versions of ourselves as the Lord develops our characters.  I think about how we've helped to coach the Lord's gifts out of each other.
• I think of Ashley.  I think of what depressed messes we were when we met, and where we are now.  NIGHT. AND. DAY.  So different.  We are both walking in the strength and gifts the Lord has given us.  I think about how the Lord never gives up on us -- even in our most selfish, darkest times.  I think about how God loves us enough to push us to our breaking points so we can be broken for Him and out of that brokenness share Jesus' love with others.
• I think of Carrie.  I think about how, even though we were only in the same place for six months, the Lord just allowed us to become soul-level friends who love to laugh and who are passionately pursuing God together, even while we are on different continents.
• I think of Whitney -- I think of how she is the strongest and perhaps sharpest person I know.  I see how the Lord is using her in the corporate world, and how she encourages and challenges me every time we are together.  I think of her gifts and am so excited to see how the Lord uses her as He continues to give her incredible favor and puts her before kings.
• I think of sweet Katie.  I think of all the good times we had on Soapstone and how she helped me transform from a selfish, materialistic, inwardly focused person to one with a more missional, generous, Kingdom-oriented perspective.  I think of how much we laugh every time we get together, sometimes to the point of her rolling up in the fetal position with laughter.  I think about her understated leadership and her quiet strength that is an example to everyone she is around.
• I think of Austin and how he is like my little brother.  I think about how much he is learning, and what a joy he is to be around.  I think about how hungry He is to hear from the Lord and walk in His ways.  I think about how the Lord is using him to transform the spiritual future of his family.
• I think about Hunter.  I think about what a joy he is to be around.  I think about how incredibly in tune he is with the needs of others, and how he is one of the most loyal, genuine people I know.
• I think of Rob and Lauren.  I think about how happy I am they will spend their lives together.  I think about how much they desire to share the love and hope of Jesus with others.  I think of how genuine and giving they are.  I think about how they are hard workers who are among the most humble people I know.
• I think about Emily S.  I think about her sincerity and how fun she is.  I think about how she is one of the sweetest, most prayerful people I know.  I think about how her sincerity is undergirded with strong discernment and a gritty fearlessness to come against the powers of darkness.
• I think about my friend Bobby, and how much he is growing in the Lord.  I think about how damn likable that guy is, and how much he makes me laugh.  I think about how the Lord is going to use him in the lives of kids with rough starts, to encourage them and share His love.

These are just the friends that come to mind right away, and there are even more -- I think of Angela and Gennie and others who are funny and genuine and who I am so glad are in my life.  The point of this wasn't to gush about individuals (though that's what it turned into) -- but moreso to just thank the Lord for His faithfulness in providing friends when I needed them the most.  I feel so richly blessed to be surrounded by such loving, caring, awesome friends.  And perhaps even more than that, I marvel that the Lord has restored me to the point where I'm no longer doing all of the taking in relationships, but where I am not able to invest in the lives of others and hopefully help them since so many people helped me when I was at my absolute worst.  To God alone be the glory.

Epic Summer of Memories

At the beginning of the summer, I thought for sure I was leaving.  I had applied for the Protege program, I had sensed that my chapter at the U of A was finishing and I thought it was time for me to peace out of Fayetteville.  Turned out that was wrong, but I decided at the beginning of the summer that the summer would be epic.  I worked to live with intentionality, and I had the best summer I can remember.

It began innocently enough.  One day after work my friend Emily came over to borrow a movie, and long story short we ended up going to a weekday, 10 PM movie -- way past either of our normal bedtimes and way outside the normal boundaries we've constructed to make sure we get enough sleep and function like normal adults.  We chugged coffee and off we went.  That evening was so much fun, and the summer was given a name that stuck:

THE EPIC SUMMER OF MEMORIES

I worked to live each day with intention.  I wasn't sure how long I'd be in Fayetteville, so I tried to make memories every day -- I did fun things with my some of my favorite people.  It was awesome.  Here were some of the highlights:

• Cameron and I beat Super Mario Brothers.
• I went to see the Cooper and Thorncrown Chapels designed by Faye Jones, and spent time with Jesus there.
• Emily and I watched the first several seasons of the Office together.
• Anna and I had an epic day in which we went all over Fayetteville, went for a walk in the historic district, got ice cream, and watched the sunset over Mt. Sequoia.  And harassed Cameron at Mama Carmen's.
• Katie showed me around Branson, gave me a glimpse into her life on summer project, and took me to Whitewater.
• I got to shoot off fireworks at Rick and Julie's house for the first time in my life with a good chunk of our community group.  It was 75ish on July 4th in Arkansas -- such an idyllic setting, even if I had gotten into a wreck on the way out to their house.  But then the cop who had helped me at the scene of the wreck came out and crashed our party.  Amazing.
• Cameron and I made canolis.  From scratch.  For real.
• Randi and Lloyd held a crawfish boil for me.  It was awesome -- my first one, and held in my honor.
• Lauren, Hunter, and I had the most epic group text with so many memes, GIFs, and amazing Buzzfeed links.
• Hunter showed me how to send a GIF via text -- game changer.  He and I also hung out a ton this summer, including that one time we played Mario during a tornado warning....
• Austin and I went to the Tulsa Zoo and the Oklahoma aquarium.  I got introduced to the Strickland Zoo (aka, their five dogs).
• The Grove opened its new building, and I helped Gennie to paint her mural in one of the kids rooms and led a cleaning crew before the grand opening.
• Gennie, Ashley, Meredith and I hung out at the pool together a ton, usually with Justus, Kaleb, and Drew.
• Meredith and Ashley threw me the most epic birthday party at ChaCha and Pop's house with the coolest cake I've ever seen (RAINBOW!!!).  We decided that for my 35th birthday next year, I need to have a Glamour Shots party.  Um, winning!
• Hunter introduced me to Parks and Rec, and I watched all of it.
• I read a ton.
• Katie and I spent a great last week as roommates together, culminating with our last roommate outing exploring Cooper Chapel and enjoying the sunset on Mt. Sequoia.
• Hunter introduced me to the rock on top of Mission Hill.  We went and watched the supermoon, and talked until 1:30 AM.  (The bedtime thing started becoming more flexible as the summer wore on...)
• Gennie and I sat on her porch and talked a bunch, and pushed Drew in the swing.  It was so chill and fun.
• Whitney and I spent Wednesdays in Bentonville, doing fun Bentonville things.
• Hunter applied to tons of med schools, and I helped with many of his essays.
• I went to Crystal Bridges several times.  I got to see the Norman Rockwell exhibit, which was fun.
• Emily and I spent a lot of time together.  She began sharing with me how significant she thought my name is, and was one of the first in a long line of people to remind me of the promises given to Abraham and Sarah.  These are promises I now cling to daily.
• I spent the occasional introvert Sunday at St. Catherine's at Bell Gable.  Gorgeous.
• Daisha gave me vocab lessons.
• Mollie and Lindsey and I became pen pals.  This is my favorite thing ever.  Letters (and cheese) are my love language.
• I finished my promise book, where I read through the entire Bible and wrote out in a journal all of the promises that it contained.

These are just things that pop to mind immediately.  There were so many more.  At the beginning of the summer, the Office finale was on and Andy said, "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them."  When I heard this, I felt the Lord say -- "These are the good old days, right now.  Enjoy them."

And I did.  This summer, the Lord taught me a lot about making the most of every single day, enjoying simple pleasures with great friends, and being thankful.  This summer -- which was incredibly epic -- I didn't go on vacation or spend a ton of money, but it was filled with some of the best memories I've made with friends.  I am so grateful, and it definitely won't be one that I forget anytime soon.

Books I've Read Lately

This fall has been hard, but good.  I have really worked really hard to be reading and learning in preparation for what's next.  Here's a list of what I've read since last time.

General and for Fun

• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by JK Rowling (reread)
• Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

Small Groups and Discipleship

• Small Groups with Purpose: How to Create Healthy Communities by Steve Gladen
• Follow Me by David Platt
• Real-Life Discipleship: Building Churches that Make Disciples by Jim Putman
• Community is Messy by Heather Zempel (reread)

General Spiritual Development

• Barefoot Church by Brandon Hatmaker
• Leaders who Last by Dave Kraft
• Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel
• Unrelenting Prayer by Bob Sorge
• All In by Mark Batterson
• Spiritual Warfare: Christians, Demonization, and Deliverance by Karl Payne
• Am I Called? by Dave Harvey
• Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere
• Reckless Faith: Embracing a Life without Limits by Kevin Harney

I'm taking a bit of a break from reading spiritual books for awhile, even though I love them.  I am instead going to read fiction, biographies, and other books that are completely for fun for awhile.  I am reading To Kill a Mockingbird now, and may make my way through the rest of the Harry Potter books next.  A friend even convinced me to read Redeeming Love, which on the surface sounds terrible but I am going to give it a shot because I trust this friend and have heard so many good things about the book. I feel like the Lord is telling me to enter into His rest, and I will tell you what -- for me who wants answers and wants to figure this thing out, it is proving difficult.

Answered Prayers

I remember it like it was yesterday.  Sometime in mid- to late-July, I was standing in my room packing up clothes in anticipation of moving out of our old house on Soapstone.  It was really, really hard.  My old roommate and I had both heard the Lord say that it was time to move on and find new roommates.  It was sad because we both really enjoyed living together and had a lot of fun.  The Lord used her to change my life.  Our house had been sold, so staying was not an option.  Every door that looked like a possibility had been closed.  I had about a week left with a place to live and, despite knocking on every door and leaving no stone that I knew of unturned, nothing had worked out.

Absolutely nothing.  After the week was up, I had no idea where I would live.

I cry/yelled at God in my head, "What are you doing?!  Why is this happening?"  I was just really at a loss, and felt desperate.  I was probably crying (for those of you who know me, shocker).

I felt a clear, immediate, unmistakable answer: "I am answering your prayers.  You prayed to be on offense."

I remember the first time I heard Mark Batterson say, "God didn't come for us to play it safe.  He came to make us dangerous."  The words connected with my spirit immediately.  He went on to explain how much of the church is engaged in defense to keep us from losing ground, but how God has called us to storm the gates of hell.  When I heard him say that, I knew instantaneously that God was using Mark to talk directly to me.  I prayed a simple prayer right there while riding my bike -- "Lord, help me to be on offense and not on defense for your kingdom."

And there in my room on Soapstone Dr. more than a year later, God let me know he was answering a prayer I had prayed in a way that I can't say I understood or made sense to me.  But I believe Him and I trust Him.  I am now on offense.

To be honest, I cannot say I understand how the circumstances of my life are going to work out.  I see an impending deadline.  I see closed doors all over the place.  I feel like nothing I've done in a really long time has worked out.  I see my lack of training in a direction God is telling me to go.  Nothing about this plan seems good on paper.

But I can feel God with me.  I can feel his Spirit telling me which way to go, and I know He is transforming me.  Without a doubt, He has given me supernatural courage that can only come from Him.  I know He is telling me to wait and to be still and to listen to Him.  I know He has it under control, even though it doesn't look like it or feel like it.

Even when it seems like I'm benched or just trying to play defense to keep life from swallowing me whole, I trust that God has placed me on offense and -- in His timing -- He will call me off the bench to play for His kingdom.  In the meantime, I am just working to listen and obey Him.  I know He is building character and stamina in me, and working out many of the rough spots.  I will play offense at the moment He is ready -- and not a moment before.

I trust Him completely and am grateful He has answered this prayer in my life, even though I don't understand how just yet.

Discipleship

I remember last spring when I was considering what to do about my job -- should I go up for tenure?  Should I not?  If not, what would that mean for where my life was headed?  That time was chaotic, uncertain, and extremely confusing.  I was desperate for answers from God.  In the midst of the chaos, I felt the still small voice of the Holy Spirit whisper something to me that caught me extremely off guard:

"Discipleship pastor."

Being honest, I didn't know what a discipleship pastor was.   I thought it was extremely bizarre and random.  It was out of left field, and no one was more surprised about this prompting than I was.  Nonetheless it was random enough that I thought that it just might be a God thing so I began to consider it and pray about it.

For the last six months, I have been seeking God hard -- begging for His direction, unsure of which way to go.  He hasn't been loud, but He has been there reassuring me with His presence and overwhelming me with peace.

Trust me.

I haven't forgotten you.

I am preparing you.

Wait for me.

Be still.

Listen.

Cease striving.

Trust me.

At the same time, I've been working to learn as much as I can about what it might look like to be a discipleship pastor.  Digging into the word.  Reading as much about discipleship and spiritual development as time allows.  Reading blogs upon blogs.  Getting involved in writing curriculum with a team of folks at my church.  Meeting with people from my church and from folks at other churches as well who can teach me about discipleship.  Spending a ton of time in prayer, and learning better to listen for the voice of the Spirit.  In short I am working like it depends on me, and praying like it depends on God -- because it does.  Period.

Last night I was at my community group, and we were praying for each other.  Though I've kept them in the loop as everything has happened, I asked last night that they would pray that I would have clear direction and that I would have wisdom in how I spend my time in this season of waiting and preparation for what's next.  They did pray for me, and I was encouraged.  Then my friend Linda got a word from the Spirit.

"The Lord has given you this dream -- you need to pursue discipleship."

She and others went on to pray that I would walk in faith like Abraham and Sarah, and that the Lord would fulfill His promises to me.  Most of them had no idea how significant that was, but this is something the Lord has been showing me and speaking to me since March.

And that was it.  I knew in my spirit that I had my answer.  Through Linda, the Lord had confirmed the direction I should go. I've had my yes on the table for awhile, letting the Lord know I would do whatever and go whichever direction He wanted me to go -- but I haven't known which direction that was.  I've been praying alone, with friends, and in community for six months or so that He would make His direction clear to me, but I just didn't have an answer.  I prayed and prayed and groaned and waited and was trusting the Lord He would make it clear in His timing.

And His timing was last night.  And His answer was to pursue discipleship.

And my answer to Him is yes, I will.

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.  I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ. ~ Philippians 3:7-8