Not looking back

A friend who is in the midst of life and career transitions asked she could pick my brain about career stuff.  While I happily agreed, I thought it a bit ironic since I feel like the only advice I feel qualified to give at this point is about how to light a match to your career and watch it go up in flames.  I wasn't sure what exactly to expect or what I had to offer.  I just prayed and left the results of our coffee date up to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Of course, He did not fail (duh uh).  The meeting went well.  It was validating to hear that not everyone buys into the notion of a swanky, prestigious career over more traditional priorities.  I felt understood hearing how she struggled with all of the demands that she felt pulling her in different directions, and how she fundamentally refused to be defined by a career or a position above her values, faith, or sense of obligation to those she cared about.

Near the end of the meeting, she asked me a question that I hadn't thought of before.  She asked, "Sarah, do you ever look back and question your decision to walk away?"

To my surprise, I had zero hesitation and I knew the answer immediately.

"No,"  I responded confidently.

To be honest, I was surprised.  Even in the most confusing, toughest times of waiting out the uncertainty, I never questioned my decision to leave my job.  There were definitely times where I mourned the loss of a life plan and the faulty illusion that I used to have that I was in control of my life and where it was going.  However, even in the toughest times I never once thought, "OMG this was a mistake."

What a gracious thing that the Lord used to reassure me that I am walking on the path that He has for me.  While I have no idea where it's going or what lies ahead, I trust that the Lord has me on His path.  I trust that I am walking in the plan that He has for me and that that they are good -- even when I don't understand them or even know what they are.

And I am grateful to realize that even at my most confused and frustrated and impatient, I do not look back.  May my trust continue to grow as I walk in the plans He has for me.  May I wait with confident expectation, knowing that even the most shocking, unlikely, difficult things do not catch Him by surprise.  May I wholeheartedly believe to the absolute core of who I am that He will work all things together for my good as I love Him and walk in the call He has on my life.

Trusting the Lord to Order Our Steps

I just got back from a trip with my friend Emily to Disney World.  It was a great (and much needed) respite from a crazy, challenging, very difficult semester.  Like so much this semester (and schoolyear actually), the trip there was not smooth.

We were supposed to leave Arkansas around 1 PM on Thursday and arrive in Florida around 8 PM.  Our flight was cancelled for wind and bottom line was were were not sure if we were going to make it on Thursday or not.  I silently prayed that we would make it.  I figured God knew how much I needed this vacation, how tightly I was wound, and how hard things had been and that the obvious thing was to get me out of Arkansas for a few days ASAP.

My good friend Emily instead prayed, "Lord, please order our steps.  We trust you."

Immediate conviction.  Yes, isn't this year all about me learning to trust in the Lord's plans?  Didn't the Holy Spirit tell me at the beginning of the year that learning to trust Him was my primary learning objective?  Doesn't God control even the wind and the resulting flight cancellations?  He knew about all of this; I had just forgotten about that.

We did make it to Florida that night (well, the next morning at 2 AM).  We had a full, memorable, fun trip that I will always treasure.  The Lord was in the details and, indeed, ordered our steps -- we experienced favor and the Lord's divine timing throughout the entire trip.  We got to do everything we wanted to multiple times, and still had a chance to go back to our hotel rooms to relax and sleep in the afternoons.  Most meaningful to me, though, was the ways in which the Lord grew my relationship with a good friend with whom I now have even more fun memories.

Emily is a fun, encouraging, Godly friend who teaches me so much -- including how to trust God not only with big things like my vocation and my future, but even with the details of flight arrangements and my leisure time, and knowing that God knows what my bandwidth is and will make sure all of my emotional and mental health needs are richly and abundantly supplied.

Spray Paint

Anyone who has known me in the past two years knows I like to spray paint.  And by "like to spray paint" I mean "am obsessed with spray painting".  Now I could spend this entire blog post telling you why spray paint is so amazing -- how it's cheap, how it can completely make something over in a matter of minutes, how it can breathe life into something old and gross and make it look cute and modern -- but that's not really where I'm going with this.

I've written about DC before, and how much I learned from the kind, generous people of NCC.  One of the coolest things to happen on the trip, though, I haven't written about.

On my last day, I had a meeting with someone I've looked up to forever.  It was good, but not at all what I expected.  At the conclusion of the meeting, the person I'd met with reunited me with Maegan, my hostess for the trip.  "She's probably out back spray painting something," the person I'd met with said offhandedly.

SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR.

In addition to being kind, helpful, wise, and just generally awesome and easy to talk to, Maegan also likes to spray paint?!?!  And that's when I knew for sure that God was in this relationship.

No, really, I do mean that.

It amazes me that out of all the things God did on that trip both big and small, that spray painting matters to Him.  Not so much the act of spray painting or the glories of spray painting (though they are many), but that He cares about the details of our lives enough to care about putting two women together who would connect on something like that.  We weren't there to talk about crafts or ourselves, yet the Lord knew what He was doing and HE was the one who arranged to have it brought up.  Out of all of the random things in our lives that we didn't talk about, God knew we would connect on the issue of spray painting, so He saw to it that that was brought up naturally in conversation.

It boggles my mind.  What a caring God who is in the details.  I love that about Him -- that He connected a Pacific-northwesterner-relocated-to-the-east-coast-social-justice-advocate-and-budget-fashionista-turned-discipleship-professional with a midwesterner-relocated-to-the-south-engineering-professor-doing-who-knows-what-with-her-life in the context of learning discipleship over something trivial yet incredible: spray paint.  (Whew, that was a sentence!)

I think that is awesome.  And I am grateful for spray paint (duh), for my friend Maegan (she's awesome), and for a loving, caring God who knows that spray paint is the way to my heart.  He worked with that to help me make a new friend.

So cool.   One more thing I love about our God who is in the details -- even the trivial ones like spray painting.

Good Friends

This morning, I was praying with my friend Ashley.  We get together Mondays to catch up, to share what's going on in each others' lives, to laugh, and most of all to pray for each other.  I love these times with my dear friend.

This morning as I shared with her what God was doing in a couple of my friends' lives and how exciting it was, Ashley said, "Sarah you've got some really good friends down here.  It's really incredible to think about where you were three years ago and where you are now."

It is.

It is absolutely incredible -- it's a testament to how the Lord exchanges beauty for ashes; the oil of joy for mourning; a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  It's a testament to how He makes all things new.

The first three years I lived in Arkansas, I had basically no friends.  It led me to experience the dark night of my soul -- an intense three years of depression where I felt utterly hopeless and alone.  It was without a doubt the darkest time in my life.

And then came Jesus.  He lifted me out of the pit.  He slowly and gently put my feet on a solid rock when He knew I was capable of standing again.  And now, He is using me for His glory.

And I think about all of the friends in Arkansas without whom this would not be possible.

• I think about Emily M. who loved me at my most unlovable, who gave me space when I needed it.  I think about our 6 AM meetings at McDonalds to talk and pray every week.
• I think about Ashley C. who was fun and who just listened and shared her experiences with me, reaching out to me when I didn't know anybody.
• I think about Ben and Rachel who invited me over for grilled cheese on a Christmas Eve, and listened and were kind.  I think about how Rachel showed me what it means to be yourself and be completely ok with it.
• I think about Charlie and Heidi who -- even though they probably didn't know it -- helped me to feel safe in church and begin to emerge and heal from spiritual abuse as a child.

These guys all loved me at my worst.  And I think about where I am now, and how the Lord used them to transform my life, I am so humbled.  When I reflect on how the Lord has richly blessed me with such loving, dedicated friends who show me different dimensions of God and allow me to richly experience life, I am overwhelmed.

• I think about Meredith.  I think about how the Lord has filled her with so much more confidence than she had and how He is using her gift of singing.  I think about how over the course of our friendship, we've both become better versions of ourselves as the Lord develops our characters.  I think about how we've helped to coach the Lord's gifts out of each other.
• I think of Ashley.  I think of what depressed messes we were when we met, and where we are now.  NIGHT. AND. DAY.  So different.  We are both walking in the strength and gifts the Lord has given us.  I think about how the Lord never gives up on us -- even in our most selfish, darkest times.  I think about how God loves us enough to push us to our breaking points so we can be broken for Him and out of that brokenness share Jesus' love with others.
• I think of Carrie.  I think about how, even though we were only in the same place for six months, the Lord just allowed us to become soul-level friends who love to laugh and who are passionately pursuing God together, even while we are on different continents.
• I think of Whitney -- I think of how she is the strongest and perhaps sharpest person I know.  I see how the Lord is using her in the corporate world, and how she encourages and challenges me every time we are together.  I think of her gifts and am so excited to see how the Lord uses her as He continues to give her incredible favor and puts her before kings.
• I think of sweet Katie.  I think of all the good times we had on Soapstone and how she helped me transform from a selfish, materialistic, inwardly focused person to one with a more missional, generous, Kingdom-oriented perspective.  I think of how much we laugh every time we get together, sometimes to the point of her rolling up in the fetal position with laughter.  I think about her understated leadership and her quiet strength that is an example to everyone she is around.
• I think of Austin and how he is like my little brother.  I think about how much he is learning, and what a joy he is to be around.  I think about how hungry He is to hear from the Lord and walk in His ways.  I think about how the Lord is using him to transform the spiritual future of his family.
• I think about Hunter.  I think about what a joy he is to be around.  I think about how incredibly in tune he is with the needs of others, and how he is one of the most loyal, genuine people I know.
• I think of Rob and Lauren.  I think about how happy I am they will spend their lives together.  I think about how much they desire to share the love and hope of Jesus with others.  I think of how genuine and giving they are.  I think about how they are hard workers who are among the most humble people I know.
• I think about Emily S.  I think about her sincerity and how fun she is.  I think about how she is one of the sweetest, most prayerful people I know.  I think about how her sincerity is undergirded with strong discernment and a gritty fearlessness to come against the powers of darkness.
• I think about my friend Bobby, and how much he is growing in the Lord.  I think about how damn likable that guy is, and how much he makes me laugh.  I think about how the Lord is going to use him in the lives of kids with rough starts, to encourage them and share His love.

These are just the friends that come to mind right away, and there are even more -- I think of Angela and Gennie and others who are funny and genuine and who I am so glad are in my life.  The point of this wasn't to gush about individuals (though that's what it turned into) -- but moreso to just thank the Lord for His faithfulness in providing friends when I needed them the most.  I feel so richly blessed to be surrounded by such loving, caring, awesome friends.  And perhaps even more than that, I marvel that the Lord has restored me to the point where I'm no longer doing all of the taking in relationships, but where I am not able to invest in the lives of others and hopefully help them since so many people helped me when I was at my absolute worst.  To God alone be the glory.