2013

As an INTJ, I love reflecting.  I love thinking about things, connecting the dots, and being able to summarize them nicely.  But how is that possible with 2013?  I can't see that it is, but here's my best shot.

I began 2013 with a life plan: I was a professor, and I loved teaching students.  "I'm doing good things for the Kingdom," I thought.  I was making a difference.  I was making good money and giving a bunch of it away.  God was blessing me.

Then in the middle of the year, I felt God asking me to essentially quit my job by not going up for tenure.  I could't believe it!   I wondered, "What about that life plan I had?  What about the good things I'm doing to advance your kingdom in academia and in industrial engineering?"  But I did it: I essentially quit my job effective on or before May 2014.

Goodbye lifeplan.

I felt God's leading to apply to the Protege Program -- a leadership and character development program through a church in DC.  I felt God whispering to me, "Discipleship pastor."  I really wasn't sure what a discipleship pastor is or what one does -- but I was like, "Hmm ok!  I'm probably supposed to participate in this program and find out!"

Except I wasn't accepted into the program, and I learned I'd be in Fayetteville for another year.  Fall semester was one of the two craziest if not THE craziest of the 55 semesters I've had since I started kindergarden in the mid 80s.  Challenging on every level -- professional, personal, emotional, family.  Just hard.  But God was with me.  He sustained me, He spoke to me, and He made it clear that -- even though I don't know the plan -- He is actively working on my behalf and going before me.  And I am grateful for that.

So what did I learn in 2013?  I learned to obey and I learned that the joy of the Lord really is my strength.  I learned that God doesn't need me (or anyone else) -- that He chooses to use us, but that He ultimately is the one who brings the increase and that none of us are indispensable to plan.  I learned that -- even though it doesn't make sense to me -- that the complete demolition of my engineering career and professor gig was all part of God's plan for me.   He's showing me that leaving my job isn't a backup plan, but that this was in His plan all along.

I am learning to count it all loss for the surpassing value of knowing Jesus Christ, my Lord.

What does 2014 hold?  I have absolutely no idea.  But I know who holds 2014 so I am not all that worried.  I'm ready to embrace it and to see what God has for me this year.

JOY

When I think back on this semester, probably the biggest theme or the biggest thing I've learned about is joy.  You'll find all kinds of definitions of joy, but I think Kay Warren's is my favorite and the one that resonates with me the most.

Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation.

In my meditative journaling, at least twice a week God spoke to me and taught me about joy.

That joy is my strength, and that His strength is made perfect in weakness.

That in His presence, there is fullness of joy.

That fullness of joy doesn't mean enough to get by -- it means more joy than we can handle or contain or even imagine.  It is part of the abundant life Jesus promised that He brings.

That joy leaves fear and anxiety and shame behind.

That joy is meant to be shared.

That God wants us to fill me with unspeakable joy so I can weather even the roughest of storms.

Joy will be a cornerstone and defining characterstic in my life.

I feel like I really learned these lessons this semester.  Like REALLY learned them -- not book learnin', but the street smarts kind of learnin'.  Though I sensed that God was doing a big work in me, it was really confirmed when a friend -- completely out of the blue -- told me that she was just so amazed by how much joy I had.  I was so grateful for this confirmation from the Lord and from my friend that God was at work and really growing me in the area of joy.

Speaking of gratitude, that's the other thing I learned: intentionally cultivating an attitude of being thankful and appreciative really sets up an ecosystem and environment where joy can thrive.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4

While I definitely wouldn't consider myself mature, complete, and not lacking in anything, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I see how the Lord has used this semester to teach me about and give me joy.  I can see how my joy during the trials I faced this semester have helped to develop perseverance in my spiritual life and my life in general.  Excited (though, if I'm being honest, a little apprehensive) to see what lies ahead.  Whatever it is, I will face it courageously and rely on the joy of the Lord to be my strength.

Christmas 2013

This Christmas, I gave myself permission to peace out on the whole Christmas thing.  I had three generous offers to spend Christmas with friends -- all of which I am super grateful for -- but I felt peace just being by myself and relaxing and reflecting on where I am and where I'm going these days.  No Christmas Eve service.  No hanging out with friends and their families.  And (a little to my surprise) no being sad about family or feeling alone.

I watched Elf and Home Alone, made tacos, and just spent the rest of the day listening to the Lord and reading.  OK, and snapchatting too (my recent obsession).   No keeping up appearances, needing to be social, large groups of people, or having to explain why Christmas isn't raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens for me.  To my surprise, a day like this is just what I needed.  I am grateful that the Lord gives us good gifts and directs our steps, even in the minor things like managing a social calendar.  He is so good.

Reflections on Mary, the Mother of Jesus

One of the things that's become an integral part of my spiritual growth this semester is meditative journaling.  Perhaps I'll write more about that at some point.  In short, the he main idea is that instead of telling God what you want him to know (e.g., prayer journaling, etc), you ask Him what He wants to tell you and then you write down what you feel like He says.  I've really grown to treasure this practice in my own life and God has really used this on this leg of my spiritual journey.

This morning, as I was doing my meditative journaling, I felt like the Lord helped me to see the Christmas story more from Mary's eyes than I ever had before.  Obviously as someone who is from the modern West, in her mid-30s, never engaged, and career minded, it's tough to put myself into the shoes of an engaged middle eastern Jew in her early teens who was visited by an angel and told she would give birth to the Messiah.  But the Lord helped me and I understand the story in a different way than I ever have before.

When Mary was first visited by the angel and received his message that she had found favor with God, her first response was confusion and she was disturbed.  After the angel subsequently told her she would have a baby, name Him Jesus, and that He would reign over Israel in a Kingdom that would never end, she obediently embraced this news.  "I am the Lord's servant.  May everything you have said about me come true."  When Mary visits her friend and relative Elizabeth later in her pregnancy, Elizabeth says, "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said."

Is it really that easy?  Is it really just as simple as leading a life that the Lord finds favor with and then walking in the plan that He has for you?  I find myself comforted by that thought.  I don't need to arrange any great heroics -- I just need to humbly submit to the plans that the Lord has for me and trust that He will work out the details.

That's not to say it will be easy.  Here are some excerpts of what the Lord told me this morning as I was doing my meditative journaling.

Mary was visited by an angel of the Lord who brought her "good news" -- but just like her good news upset her impending plans and probably wasn't aligned with her 5, 10, or 30 year plans, neither are my plans for you.  At this point in the story [Christmas Eve], Mary was very pregnant, uprooted from her support system, and traveling to fulfill bureaucratic requirements -- all while carrying the hope of the world, the Messiah, inside of her.  Then she arrived in Bethlehem and not only was the red carpet not rolled out for her, she ended up having a baby in the most disgusting, unlikely, humble of all situations.  The baby was Jesus, and He saved the world.  I gave Him a great cost to me and to Him -- and I did it through Mary.  Her circumstances weren't cushy or fancy: but she obeyed and I did provide for her -- and I will do the same for you.  So as you feel the discomfort and the weight of what I am asking you to do, know that I can accomplish great things through the most humble, unlikely circumstances and that all that is required is obedience and walking in the path I have prepared for you -- even when it seems crazy.

Mary didn't have to hustle and network and explain and make pitches to important people.  She didn't have to justify the legitimacy of her plans to others.  The Lord prepared a plan for her, told her about it, and then she believed it and walked in it.  That's it -- and we remember and honor her 2000 years later because of her obedience and because she found favor with God.  Incredible.  May the same be said of me someday - that I found favor in the eyes of the Lord and I humbly and obediently walked in the plans He prepared for me.

Peace Out, Fall 2013!

Fall 2013 is in the books.  All my grades are turned in, I'm done at the office for the year, and I can say that I made it.  On this side of having made it, though, I can say that it feels a lot different than I expected.

I sort of expected to feel like the lady on top -- euphoric, celebratory, and accomplished.  Instead I feel like the dude at the bottom -- yep I made it, but barely and certainly not without help from friends when it was rough.

Since I left work on Friday, I've been in a numb sense of shock wondering, "What just happened?  Did all of that really go down this semester -- the semester I wasn't even planning on being here?"  And the answer is, yes -- all of that went down.  Every little thing.  And it took a bigger toll on me than I thought so I've spent a fair amount of time just crying and processing through the semester since it wrapped up.

What's obvious now that it's over is that God sustained me every day of that semester.  There is no way I should have been able to make it through that semester, but I did.  And now I will celebrate that, even if it looks like that dude in the bottom picture and I celebrate by collapsing in both physical and emotional exhaustion.  Victory doesn't always look like we expect, but it is still worth celebrating.  Even moreso, I celebrate the one who kept me from stumbling and sustained me in the hard times I wondered if I would make it.

This Semester

This semester has been a little crazy.  And by a little crazy I mean totally nuts.

Not expecting to be in Arkansas at all this school year year; but then being here after all.
Not having my own place to live, but putting my stuff in storage and living with a family for a year.
Not teaching one class, but three.
Dealing with the mid-semester death of a coworker and the fallout that that entailed.
Not really knowing much of anything about two of the classes I'm teaching.
Feeling unsettled and unsure of what every day would hold.

I was going to rehash the gory details of how it's all gone down, but then I remembered that I've done that before.  The only thing I'd add to that is that last week, I found out my dad was arrested.  I don't want to go into the details, but let's just say I was all over the emotional map -- disappointed, angry, sad, embarrassed.  All of it.  Woof; it's a bad scene, y'all and it's made the Semester I Thought Couldn't Get Crazier (SITCGC) just a smidge crazier.  In fact every new curveball that was thrown at me -- and there were several -- I thought to myself, "Things can't get any crazier."  Lo and behold, things kept getting crazier until I've finally decided that I just won't speculate on whether or not things can get crazier.  As I've learned, they can always get crazier.

Here's some of what I've learned this SITCGC.

• God is faithful.  He has gotten me through every day this semester, and now there are just 11 more.  Praise Jesus.
• His grace really is sufficient.  His power really is made perfect in weakness; trust me, I've experienced more weakness in this semester than I can really ever remember.
• There is something to letting the peace of Christ rule in your heart.  When there is peace, it seems like there isn't space for fear or doubt.
• Joy and thanksgiving are possible in trials.  And it seems that thanksgiving sets up an environment where joy can grow and flourish.
• Attitude is everything -- see above about peace, joy, and thanksgiving.
• I can't expect grace unless I extend it.  I've learned A LOT about that this semester and this summer (thanks Charlie).
• If God initiates, He will give me the reserves I need to do what He asks me to do.  I couldn't have made it through this semester were that not the case.
• Being faithful to spiritual disciplines daily -- spending time with the Lord every morning reading the Word and listening to what He has to say to me -- is huge.  I need to treat the little things like they're big things.  God honors that.
• His plans are generally not things we would expect -- they are non-linear, stochastic, and confusing.  But they are perfect.
• The Lord is near to all who call upon Him.  Trust me, I've called frequently this semester.
• I'm getting better at hearing the Lord's voice, and not trying to finish His sentences for Him.

This semester was nothing like I expected, but what I can say is that I have learned so much.  I can tell I am being prepared for something -- not sure what, and not sure when -- but I think when that special something comes, I will know what it is and I will be ready to do what it takes.

In the meantime, the Lord continues to teach me about embracing uncertainty -- learning to trust Him without trying to figure everything out.  That's been a hard but good lesson.

Ahhhh, development.  It's not just about reading books, y'all.  This SITCGC has been the ultimate real deal, boots on the ground guide.  And I wouldn't trade it.

Chessly

The other week I was at our church offices after a meeting, and I was meeting a friend for dinner at 9.  I had some time before I was supposed to meet him, so I decided just to wait at church and finish up some work until dinner.

A voice interrupted me.  Since I had left the door unlocked, someone had come into our church and asked, "Um, sorry, but do you know if the last bus has come for the night?"

A bit of background for the non-Fayetteville people -- Arkansas in general and Fayetteville in particular are not places you want to live without a car.  While we do have a small bus system, the schedule is infrequent and the routes are limited.  So, long story short, I told the normal, young-ish looking girl who I assumed was a college student that I didn't know and that I would be happy to look the information up for her online.  She said she thought she'd missed the last bus for the night, walked outside, and thanked me.

And that's when the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit told me to offer her a ride.  So I locked up the church and I did.

Over the course of giving her a ride, that's when I learned she was a domestic abuse victim, she had just left her living situation in Louisiana a few weeks prior, she'd had to leave her dog and sense of security behind, she was drunk on a Wednesday night at 8 PM, she was staying with strangers who were cokeheads, she didn't have a place to live, and her phone had been stolen from the last sketchy guy who she'd stayed with two nights prior.  My heart was broken.  I kept asking the Lord to give me wisdom -- what do I do?  What do I say?

When I dropped her off, it broke my heart.  I asked if I could pray for her.  She initially wouldn't let me, but she then relented.  I sensed the Holy Spirit's presence heavily right there in my little Civic in a sketchy neighborhood praying for my new friend Chessly.  She asked for my number and, after praying for wisdom, I felt like I should give it to her -- so I did.  However, it's been about a month and I haven't heard from her.

I still pray for her; I would appreciate it if you would too.

Like I've explained before, one of the biggest lessons I'm learning now is to just to be faithful to the opportunities the Lord puts in front of you.  I'm also learning that you never know what they will be.

List for the future

When I came back from DC, I felt so blessed -- blessed by people's generosity with their time, their experiences, their resources, and their influence.  I was honored and humbled that these folks I'd admired for so long would spend time with a nobody from Arkansas.  I don't have a title.  I don't have a position in any fancy church.  There's nothing that I can do for them -- but they were generous and giving with everything they had.  I was (and am) so grateful.

As I shared how grateful I was with one of my friends, she said, "Sarah, I think you need to remember how you feel right now.  Remember how grateful you are.  Remember how blessed you were by their generosity.  I really feel like you're going to be in a position to share your wisdom and experiences with others someday, and I think you need to remember what that feels like on the receiving side now before you get in the position to be on the giving side."

From one perspective -- the one I'm living now where I just have a God dream and a day job and no inclination that I'll ever really be in position to be on the giving side -- my friend's suggestion seems sort of silly and foolish and like it's crazy.   However, when Emily said that, her suggestion resonated with my Spirit immediately and I just somehow sensed that she was right.

After I'd had time to think, pray, and process through her suggestion, I sat down with my journal and  asked the Lord to help me make a list of things I would do when I was someday in a position to share my wisdom with others.  Here's the list that emerged.

When I am in a position to share what I have, I will

1. Be generous with my time, inviting those who are interested to come and learn.
2. Invest in others to make myself completely replaceable.
3. Affirm the callings of others.
4. Train my staff to be generous with our time, talent, and treasure.
5. Share with others what I've learned via writing (book, blog, etc).
6. Leverage connections on behalf of others.  Connect people when and how I can.
7. Make everything open-source and share generously with the resources we create.
8. Use my influence to advance the causes of the disadvantaged.

This list came as quickly as I could write -- probably in less than 10 minutes.  This list shocked me, both in its specificity and in some of what it said (I'll have a staff?!  Writing books?! REALLY?!?!?!).  After I praying about it, discussing the list with a few close friends, and really spending time asking God "are you sure this isn't my own imagination?", I think this list is from God -- so now I am putting the list out there.  I am believing by faith that I will somehow, one day do all of these things.

It seems crazy.  I don't see how it is possible.  I cannot see a path for how this will possibly happen.

In the meantime, I am working to be faithful with the resources I have now.  I am writing more in my blog to establish a writing habit and a writing voice (#5).  For those in my spheres of influence, I work to speak life into their lives and affirm their calling (#3).  I am learning to be generous with my own time right now (#1).

I am praying God takes my humble seed of obedience, and grows it into something big and beautiful and of His creation and for His glory. I don't need, expect, or even want credit.  It's all because of and for Jesus.  To Him alone be the glory.

People Development: Lessons from the Trenches

Yesterday, I had some work collaborators come to campus to tie up the loose ends we had on a project we finished this summer. Although the project -- particularly in the last week or two -- was incredibly stressful, in the end the client was very happy with the work that we did for them.  Their preliminary estimate is that the project will net more than a 2,500% ROI (nope, no typo or calculation error; the project results were a slam dunk).

Arriving at the finish line of the project was no easy task -- it just wasn't.  It involved all nighters (which I'm way too old for and never really did during school anyway).  It involved micromanaging someone who just wouldn't do his job without micromanaging.  It required us to go back and double and triple check everything because we couldn't trust that the work was correct.  It was sanctifying and helped me to build patience; no doubt about it.

But the thing is -- the parts of the project that caused me the most frustration and took so much of my time and were so hard to manage?  The client loved them.  They went on and on about how good they were, both during the project and again yesterday.  And secretly I thought to myself, "OMG if you only knew what went into getting you those results and the things you're praising, you would appraise this situation and cast of characters totally differently."

And yesterday, the Lord was quick to point out -- "This is your job.  It is people development.  It is to set people up to be successful.  It is not to use them to do something you can then take the credit for."

And regardless of what my next job is -- professor, discipleship pastor, or something else -- I think I will always be in the people development business.  This year the Lord is teaching me a bunch about developing people.  This isn't something I really expected to learn much about this year, but I am.

I am learning that I need to manage, coach, and reprimand in private.

I am learning that I need to praise, protect, and advocate for others in public.

I am learning that I need to not care about who gets credit.

I am learning that I need to care about the job getting done well, and people learning in the process -- and if they get the credit for something that I've done, that's ok.

I am learning that it's not a win if people need me to be successful.  That's another form of pride.

I am learning that I need to set people up to be successful and, in time, independent.

In short, I am learning Kingdom economics and management principles.  I am learning that my biggest successes will come if I become completely replaceable -- if I am able to raise up and help train leaders who can do what I do, with their own signature style.  I am learning that my best success will be training people who can take over my job -- over time hopefully better than and independently of me.   And when those people can raise up leaders to replace themselves?  That's the ultimate win because then the vision becomes scalable.

And in short, that's how Jesus told us to make disciples.  I am learning how to do that, and how to care most about just serving Jesus and working to love and develop others -- regardless of who gets the credit.

God's plans

During my visit to NCC, I felt like I heard really clearly from God.  I was grateful.  One morning while I was doing some meditative journaling, I felt like God was asking me a question:

"Sarah, do you understand me?"

I was taken aback.  I though for a sec.

"Well, um, no.  Not really.  I mean I guess I get glimpses of what you're like, but I would go with a 'No, I don't understand you.'"

He replied quickly but gently.

"Well then why would you understand my plans?"

Touche.  It was a moment of clarity, and I was (and am) grateful for it.

Since that time, I've been able to embrace a lot more uncertainty.  I've spent a lot less time trying to figure things out, and a lot more time just trying to seek God instead of just seeking His will or guidance for what comes next.

If I am following God, He will reveal in His timing what comes next.
If I am following God, the details of what comes next are a lot less important than the process of learning to trust Him unconditionally.
If I am following God, really the rest just matters a whole lot less.
And that is liberating.
And I am grateful.

Development - First Check-In

I wrote way back when about how i felt the Lord telling me this would be a year of development.  I wrote about how what I thought that meant wasn't actually what it meant.  Now that -- mercifully -- we're approaching Thanksgiving break and are more than a third of the way through my last academic year at the U of A, I'd like to check in and reflect a little bit.

It's really funny to read back on what I thought development might look like when the Lord first whispered that to me in August.  It turned out to be pretty right on -- the year of development was going to be about developing my character.  When I wrote the original post about it, I apparently had some clarity.  Over the next couple months, however, my view of development became skewed and less accurate.

You see, somehow in my mind development became about acquiring skills, building a network, filling my head with knowledge, and all kinds of other noble goals.  Development became about things that, at least from a worldly perspective, are great.  And so I dived in with great abandon to reading books and meeting with people and trying to make contacts and get experiences that would help me to be a good discipleship pastor.

And then I felt God clearly saying to stop.
Stop reading.
Stop trying to leverage the wisdom of the collective.
In short, to stop trying to make this happen on my own and instead to trust that God Himself would speak to me and tell me what to do next in His timing.

The year of development has not been about learning skills, organizing and leading small groups, or volunteering at church -- it has been about teaching classes I don't know anything about, stepping in to fill roles that are needed in our department even though I don't have time or the capability to do so, choosing to believe that God's grace IS sufficient for me when I feel stretched beyond my human capabilities, learning to follow well and honor those in authority over me, being faithful to the opportunities that God puts in front of me, and learning to trust that God will provide me with exactly what I need to get through one day at a time.  It has been about learning how to take care of myself and how to rest when life is stressful.  It has been about honing my ability to listen to God (without finishing His sentences) and prioritizing time with Him.  It has been about learning to be content and grateful when circumstances are tough.  It has been about embracing uncertainty and trusting God with the future.

It has been hard, but it has been good.  While I don't pretend to understand God's plan (more on that later), I can see how these life lessons are more valuable than anything I could learn from books.  I am grateful that the Lord's wisdom exceeds my own and that He is orchestrating the circumstances of my life to prepare me so that I will have the character I need to walk in whatever He calls me to next -- whatever that is.

Finishing the Sentence....

"Discipleship pastor," I heard the Lord say.

It was clear.  It was random.  It was unmistakable.  And when I felt like He told me to apply to the Protege Program, I thought that meant that I was done at the U of A and would be leaving for DC this past August. 

Nope, wrong.

"Daily bread,"  I heard the Lord whisper to me late last spring.

Oh, I thought.  That means He will provide the support I need to do the Protege program, but on a just in time basis.

Nope, wrong.

"Development," God told me.

Aha.  I need to volunteer more and get more involved at church!  I will be reading a whole bunch of books and gaining the skills I need to be a discipleship pastor by volunteering.

Nope, wrong.

"Don't live with Katie," I sensed the Lord saying.

Man, that sucks.  I love Katie!  Well I guess the Lord is leading me to live with Emily instead!  Oh wait, that's not what He's saying?  I guess He will provide at the last minute so I can live with someone else my age-ish.

Nope, wrong.

I went through a period where basically everything I've thought the Lord's saying had been wrong.  But as I look back and reflect, it hasn't been wrong -- I've just been trying to finish His sentences for Him.  That's not really the way it works; it's not my job to finish God's sentences for Him, it's my job to follow Him.  I've been learning what this looks like, slowly but surely.  I'm learning to dial back the expectations of a big picture vision all at once.  I'm learning to trust Him when the path is completely ambiguous.  I'm learning to be able to sit in silence and just enjoy time with Him, even when we are both quiet.  It is hard.  At times, it's awkward.  But it is good, and definitely something I need to be learn.  One more thing I'm learning during this year of development.

Discipleship pastoring

After I had the conversation with Heather, I realized that I already was a pastor.   I care for the spiritual development of others in formal and informal contexts.  I regularly hang out with a couple college kids, intentionally investing in their spiritual development.  Friends agree I have the spiritual gift of shepherding or pastoring.  I am working hard to follow the Lord's lead, being faithful to the opportunities that the Lord puts in front of me and making disciples at work and at church.

"Huh, I guess I already AM a discipleship pastor," I thought to myself.  Who knew?!

No idea what the Lord means when He says I'll be a discipleship pastor.  Maybe it will be in a formal context, like a category 3.  While I don't think it will be in IE, it could be in another vocation where I am a category 1 or 2 discipleship pastor.

The bottom line is that I have no idea, and ultimately -- at least for now -- it doesn't matter.  I am just working to stay close to Jesus and follow Him on each step of this incredibly confusing, nonlinear path.  He will make things clear in His timing. I do know that, in this season of waiting and transition, that the Lord is building into me character, stamina, and an ability to hear His voice.  That will be invaluable regardless of what comes next.

Adventure

When I was in DC, my friend Maegan was driving and we missed a turn.  "Eh, it's no big deal.  If we get lost, we will have an urban adventure!" I said.  Then we got blocked in at the gas station or something, and we had to do a 20 point turn.  "Oh well, an adventure."  She subsequently suggested I write a blog post about adventure.  It's been one of the things rattling around in my mental queue for a month or so, and now I think I am ready to take the leap and to write about it.

I guess it wasn't until my trip to DC that I realized how much I said that -- "this is an adventure."  I credit a lot of that to my mom; "adventure" was something she said to us a lot growing up.  She worked to find fun and interesting experiences in the ordinary and the mundane, even with the limited resources we had.  I am grateful to her for those lessons.

I also credit a lot of it to lessons I'm learning these days as the Lord develops my character.  One of the things that I've learned during this year of development is that there are lots of times when I cannot control the situation I find myself in.  What I do have control over, however, is the attitude I have.  This is why I choose to view things that are on the unpleasant side -- getting lost, teaching a new class I don't know anything about, not having a life plan beyond May 2014 -- as an adventure.  It helps to reframe the situation and improves my attitude -- and helps me to see the wonder and fun in situations that I used to see as scary, annoying or unpleasant.  It also helps me to get my eyes off the discomfort and to work to learn and keep my eyes on what God is trying to teach me.

So this is why I choose to view life as an adventure -- and let me tell you, I am having one heck of an adventure this year!

Daily Bread

Earlier this year -- sometime in late spring -- I felt the Lord telling me He would give me my daily bread.  I thought to myself, "Wow, that's simultaneously reassuring and super uncomfortable."

Let me explain. I'm not used to living on the daily bread model where you get just enough to last for today and then tomorrow, you get to repeat the process of living in complete dependence all over again.  I'm used the full refrigerator model.  I'm used to a stocked pantry that has more options than I could dream of model.  I'm used to a corner grocery store model where I can use my own resources to restock when and with what I want to.  In short, I'm used to being self sufficient and getting what I want, when I want it, and being able to get it myself thankyouverymuch.

But none of that is the daily bread model.  The Lord is taking me through a season where indeed, I get my daily bread and I don't have a bit left over when the day is done.

I thought I was going to be gone this year.  I thought for sure I would live in DC and get some training to pursue the dream God had put in my heart to be a discipleship pastor.  I thought my time in Fayetteville was done and it was time to move on, so I had begun emotionally divesting at work.  When I found out I would be here, I was confused and not sure how I would make it through another year doing my job. 

But the Lord is giving me my daily bread as I spend one last year investing in the lives of industrial engineering students.

I was supposed to teach one class this semester -- one that is in my area of expertise and that I've taught a similar version of before.  Instead, I was teaching two classes, including one that I knew nothing about and was learning about as I went.  And then a coworker had a heart attack and I felt the Lord prompting me to volunteer to teach his classes too -- so now I'm teaching a second class I know nothing about.  Three classes in total, instead of the one I'd planned on.  I feel stretched WAY beyond my capacity to be able to do this.  It is intellectually and emotionally exhausting to not feel like I know which way is up and how I will make it through each day.

But the Lord is giving me my daily bread at work.

I was going to live with my roommate Katie this year, but instead we both felt the urging that it was time to move on.  Then I was going to live with my friend Emily, but it ended up not working out.  Then I was going to live with Anna; no dice.  Then I looked for a place on my own.  NOTHING was working, so I moved in with a family from my community group into their spare bedroom.  I moved 95% of my stuff into storage.  I had no idea how it was going to work to live with a family with two teenaged girls.

But the Lord is giving me my daily bread as I live with the Johnsons.  And actually, it has been great!

The other morning I was doing my meditative journaling wondering how in the world I was going to do all that needed done, I felt like the Lord told me, "My grace IS sufficient for you.  Whether or not you choose to believe it is your choice --  but my grace IS sufficient for you.  You need to rely on me for everything."  

So that's what I've been learning and working on.  Learning to rely on the Lord for everything, and trusting that He alone has my daily bread -- not my friends, not my intelligence, not my savings account, not my resourcefulness, not my work ethic.  Only the Lord can give me my daily bread.  I am learning to trust Him for everything and to live in complete dependence.  Period.  It's a hard lesson, but a good one.

Women Pastors?

During my trip to DC, I had a chance to meet with Heather Zempel.  She has been a from-a-distance role model and mentor for me for a long time.  When the Lord whispered in my spirit "discipleship pastor", I thought of her immediately.  Female, engineer, discipleship pastor?  The world may soon have two; still waiting to see how the Lord leads me on that one.  But it already has one -- a great one -- in the form of HZ, and I was so appreciative of her willingness to take time to meet with some random, unknown person from Arkansas during my visit.

One of the biggest questions I had for Heather was about women in role of pastor.  While she has written about this on her own blog and even done a couple podcasts about the subject, the answer that she gave me in person was so helpful and insightful that I have to share it here.

Heather went on to break down what it meant to be a shepherd or pastor into three categories.

1. Pastor or shepherd as a spiritual gift.  A person with the spiritual gift of shepherding or pastoring is responsible for overseeing, training and caring for Christians; they are generally patient, people-centered, and willing to spend time in prayer for others.  People with the spiritual gift of shepherding just naturally assume shepherding roles in their friend groups, workplaces, or other spheres of influence.  They guide, direct, and lead people spiritually.  They help bring them back when they wander off spiritually.  They protect them from spiritual danger. They just naturally gravitate towards caring for the spiritual needs of others, regardless of their vocations or official ministry titles.
2. Pastor or shepherd as a role.  People can assume roles that are those of a pastor or shepherd.  For example, small group leaders are assume roles where they care for the members of their group.  In a formal discipleship relationship, the discipler is acting in the role of a pastor or shepherd.  There are other examples as well where a person assumes a formal role as a pastor or shepherd.
3. Pastor or shepherd as a title or position of authority.  This is what people generally think of when they hear the word "pastor" -- this is someone who leads a church or a spiritual movement or something, generally as a vocation.  This is a title of authority that is bestowed on an individual by others (e.g., a congregation, a group of elders, etc).

Heather went on to explain that most people except the very fringes of the theologically conservative wouldn't have any problems with women being pastors in the first two categories -- using a spiritual gift or functioning in the role of a pastor or shepherd by, say, leading a women's Bible study.  When dealing with the issue of women pastors, it gets dicy when we think about women in the third category -- the title or position of authority.

She explains a bit more about her own calling and opinions on her blog and on the podcasts, so I don't presume to speak for her here.  However, I took several things away from our conversation worth sharing.  The biggest takeaways for me were:

• Never seek the title or role of pastor.  If the title or role is given to you by others and the Lord leads you to accept it, that's great.  But seeking the title just for the title itself is not wise and will probably lead to all kinds of unintended (and probably counterproductive) consequences like having to "prove" your calling, trying to convince others of the legitimacy of your ministry, and so on.  All of this can really detract from your ability to effectively spiritually care for those you're entrusted with.
• Always be humble enough to step out of the role if this is what the Lord is leading you to.  Even if it's not originally about getting the title of pastor but the title of pastor finds you, it's important to be humble enough to follow the Lord's leading out of the role of pastor just like you followed the Lord's leading into the role if that is how He leads.
• Our overriding concern should always be whether having women pastors makes the Gospel more attractive.  In urban, progressive contexts, for example, having a women preach and serve as a pastor can deconstruct walls and disassemble preconceived notions people have about the church.  This can allow them to hear the Gospel more clearly since they are able to get past some of their preconceived notions about the church.  In conservative, more traditional contexts, however, people may not be able to hear the message that we ultimately want them to hear if they cannot get past the fact the that it's a woman delivering it.  This is a case where having women pastors can the Gospel less attractive.  If having women pastors makes the Gospel more attractive, we should have women pastors.  If not, we shouldn't.  The overriding priority isn't and should never become proving something about gender roles in the church; it should be about making the name of Jesus famous and making disciples of Him.

I am kind of in this place now where I will just follow the Lord and do whatever He tells me.  If that involves becoming a pastor, then I will become a pastor.  It it involves something else, then I want to be faithful to doing whatever that is.  I trust the Lord in His leading, and believe that He will make the next steps clear to me in His timing.  In the meantime, however, I am really grateful for Heather's time and wisdom as I listen and work to figure out what the Lord has next for me.

Be Faithful to the Opportunities God Puts in Front of You

I wrote just a little bit about some of the things I'd learned on my trip to DC.  Probably the biggest thing I learned was to be faithful to the opportunities that the Lord puts in front of you, and to make disciples in that context.

Refreshingly simple.  Deeply challenging.  If done with the Lord's help, incredibly fruitful.

I loved (and continue to love) this simple mantra for several reasons.

First, it is what Jesus did and I can't think of an example I'd rather follow.  End of story.  Second, it's incredibly practical.  When God puts an opportunity in front of you, it is generally either in your sphere of influence or it's something wild and crazy that He's going to partner with you to put resources behind.  Finally, it's just something that boils down many of the instructions we are given in scripture into something that is concise and powerful.

This phrase has been on repeat in my brain since returning to Fayetteville.  It is helping me to finish out this school year.  It has provided meaning to my days and to my interactions with friends, students, and coworkers.  It has helped me see that this season of waiting and preparation for whatever lies ahead need not be fruitless.

So, as the Lord continues to challenge me in ways that I didn't anticipate and I'd be really tempted to say that I cannot handle, I pray that the Lord would give me the strength and grace and resources to be faithful to each and every one of the opportunities that he puts in front of me.  I pray that He would bless me with the opportunities to share and model the light of Jesus, and that I would be able to make disciples wherever I go -- whether it's sharing Jesus with a domestic abuse victim or teaching a renewable energy course or just having coffee with a friend.

"Kids" these Days

I remember when I first graduated from graduate school, a 27 year old newly minted PhD.  I was extremely uncomfortable with my newly-earned title of Dr. Root.  I remember that I fought it for a long time, thinking it sounded old and stuffy and arrogant.  I remember feeling a lot more comfortable being called "Sarah".  I remember feeling like I had a lot more in common with the graduate students than I did with my colleagues.

Seven years later, all that has changed.  One other thing has changed too -- the way I refer to our students.

I remember when I first took this job I was irrationally obsessed with calling the people I taught "students".  When colleagues or staff people would call them kids, I'd bristle.  "They're 18 (or 21 or 24).  They are old enough to vote and be drafted.  They're not kids, they're adults."

This year, I've noticed that I've started to call my students kids.  And I've noticed that it's because they often act like kids.  Yes they could vote or be drafted or even have children of their own -- but in many cases, they act like kids.  And maybe even more than that, I'm ok with calling them kids because I love many of them like kids.  I see the potential in them.  I want them to make good choices, but know that a lot of times the best way for kids to learn is by making mistakes and overestimating their abilities.  Sometimes they frustrate the crap out of me.  But I am grateful that the Lord has put them in my path for a semester or for a year or however long our lives intersect.

And maybe calling them kids means that I'm getting older, too -- I can accept that :)  It's been a good run.  I love these kids and I am grateful for the seven years I've had at the University of Arkansas serving them and loving them.  What a blessing.  I will miss them next year when I'm gone.

Lessons from my Trip to NCC

I've spent the weekend and the last few days learning from folks at National Community Church.  It's sort of surreal, given that I've always respected them and have learned so much from them since I began reading Pastor Mark's blog and listening to their podcasts in 2004 or 2005.

In even the brief few days since I've been here, I've learned so much from them.  Here are some of the biggest highlights I've taken away.

• Generosity is critical.  On Sunday morning, I went to the Barracks Row location and helped to serve donuts before the first service.  Many of the folks in line for the donuts were homeless people from across the city.  "Can I have four glazed and one strawberry donut?" my first "customer" asked.  I didn't know what to do, but I just gave him the donuts he asked for.  When I later asked someone on staff about it, she told me I had done the right thing.  "I'd rather be generous and taken advantage of than to not be generous -- because if I'm not generous, then it's my fault," she explained.  And the staff at NCC has modeled this for me so well.  So many people gave selflessly of their time to meet with me.  They gave me no holds barred access to everything that they've done, the meetings they attend, explained how they do things, gave me rides, and really went above and beyond to make sure I felt comfortable, welcomed, and included.  I was floored by their generosity and willingness to give WAY beyond their level of comfort or convenience.
• Leaders raise up other leaders.  Everyone I've met with is incredibly competent -- from the admins to the team leaders, people just really seem equipped and good at what they're doing.  I guess what strikes me is that the people I've met with seem to strategically identify folks who are talented, invest in them, and then raise them up.  They're not threatened by the success of others, but the opposite -- they invest in others to help make them successful.  They're secure in their positions and are working to raise up leaders to replicate themselves.  This helps to make the vision scalable and this is what Jesus actually did with His own disciples.
• It doesn't matter who gets the credit -- we give all credit to Jesus.  This was a quote from Pastor Mark in the staff meeting.  He continued, "Hopefully what we do will bring glory to His name.  But we don't fight about who gets the credit."  We should allow people to function in their giftedness and celebrate it when they are successful.  Leaders who are insecure will create a culture of insecurity.  Create a culture of wins and playing to peoples' strengths instead.  Celebrate what you want to see repeated.
• It's going to be a continuous process not trying to figure things out.  But stop.  Work like it depends on you, pray like it depends on God.  Just follow Jesus and trust Him and stop trying to figure things out.  You wouldn't understand it anyway.
• Seasons of waiting are like super-concentrated, rich soil in which a seed can grow.  The seed doesn't need help, it doesn't need some special kind of water -- what it needs is time.  Waiting is not sexy -- you're not going to see someone going on Oprah or Ellen talking about how they're waiting.  It's tough to get people excited about -- but you just have to trust that the Lord is in control and wait.  The sooner you get excited about where the Lord has you, the sooner you'll calm down.
• God has the answers for me, and I need to listen to and trust Him.  People don't have the answers.  Books don't have the answers.  Processes and best practices don't have the answers.  They're all helpful and valuable, absolutely, but God is the one who has the answers for me -- I won't find them in people, and I should not expect to.
• When it comes to issues of women in church leadership, we may be coming at it incorrectly.  Instead of thinking about it in a binary way -- yes women should absolutely be in all ministry roles or no they shouldn't -- we need to think about what makes the Gospel the most attractive.  If women in leadership helps advance the Gospel and make it accessible to a broader audience, then women should be in leadership.  If having women in leadership becomes a barrier to or diminishes the attractiveness of the Gospel, then women shouldn't be in leadership roles there.  THis depends almost entirely on context.
• I don't understand God.  Why would I expect to understand His plans?  It's probably better for me at this point just not to know what's next.  When the Lord wants me to know, He will let me know.  Until then, I will just wait.

The experience of visiting NCC was such a tremendous blessing.  I feel affirmed in my calling, that I am on the right path following the Lord, and that -- in the Lord's timing -- He will reveal the next step of the plan.  Even better, I made a several friends and an ally during my visit.  I am so excited to continue nurturing these relationships and trusting in the Lord's timing, provision, and direction as He reveals His plans to me.  I am so grateful for the time, kindness, and generosity of the folks at NCC.  What a tremendous blessing they've been to me.

Healing from the Past and Hope for the Future from Unlikely Sources, Part IV of IV

As I reflect on the healing that the Lord has brought through the words of others, a few of my friends, and most of all through time with and help from God Himself, I think about the why -- why does the Lord allow us to be hurt and broken by the sins and pain of others?  And after we're broken, why does He fix us?

The short answer is, I don't know.  But as I have asked God this and thought about it and prayed about it, I've come up with a few hypotheses.

The other week, I was thinking and praying about why some of the things I've gone through hurt so badly and why they had happened to me.  God's answer was clear and direct: "I am building compassion in you."  Alrighty then.  Essentially I've come to believe -- at least in my case -- that the Lord used these situations to build empathy in me for others who are hurting.  I believe He wanted me to know that I need to trust Him above people and above organizations -- ultimately, above anything else.  I believe He used the hurtful situations in my past to draw me to the real Jesus -- not the cheap imitations I'd grown up around.

While everyone's situation is different,  I believe that every hurt we experience hurts God too; that He doesn't cause the pain though He does allow it.  And I do believe that He can redeem these hurts and, somehow, work them together for His good.  I don't pretend to understand how this works, but I can see how He's begun doing this in my life.  I am so grateful for it.

I believe God fixes us because He is good, and because He loves us.  Period.  While I've come to believe that these are two of the main reasons I've come to believe that God fixes us, I think He ultimately uses our hurts and the broken pieces of our past to display His glory and to use us for His service.

I know that God has used the deep hurts I've experienced in and because of the church to help others.  I am ready to be used, and my yes is on the table.  I am willing to use these hurts to help others however I can.

Healing from the Past and Hope for the Future from Unlikely Sources, Part III of IV

A second source that the Lord has used to heal me has been people.  Two people in particular come to mind: my friends Ashley and Austin.  They're not at all alike.  Ashley is a strong, assertive mom of two who is about my age.  She is fearless and walks unapologetically in the gifts of the Spirit. She is artsy and a free spirit with an underlying grit and strength.  Austin is a timid, relatively reserved twenty year old guy who is organized and methodical (typical engineer).  I cannot see him hurting a fly (although, flies -- watch out for Ashley...).  He has a gentle spirit with underlying tenacity and stubbornness.

I love them both, and both have been instrumental in my healing process.

Ashley has modeled for me what it means to walk in strength.  She has shown me how to tap into gifts of the Spirit.  She has called helped me to see that things that I thought were broken, bruised, hopeless were actually what the Lord wanted to use as the foundation for big things.  She has spoken things into being, and used her words to speak life to me when I thought I was broken and beyond repair.  She has given me strength and hope.  She was probably the first person I knew who was walking in the gifts of the Spirit who I could take seriously -- who I didn't think was broken beyond repair or a crackpot.  And she is strong and awesome, and to see her listen to the Spirit and yield to the Lord's leading has been great and a huge example to me.

Austin -- 14 years younger than me and a dude -- has probably been one of the biggest parts of my healing with respect to gender roles which is a huge surprise for so many reasons.  He's one of the main reasons why I began listening to strong female teachers like Lisa Bevere and Joyce Meyer.  He's one of the hungriest people I know when it comes to learning about the Lord and how to walk in the gifts of the Spirit.  He hears the voice of God more clearly than anyone I know.  He is a tremendous encouragement to me, and speaks the Lord's truth.  He is stretching me further and further out of my comfort zone as He learns about and begins to walk in the gifts of the Spirit -- and because of how I trust him and how I see the Lord working in Austin's life, I'm willing to learn more about those things and be open to some of the "crazier" things of the Spirit -- speaking in tongues, for example.  If this were forced on me, I would shut down; however, when Austin tells me about what the Lord is doing in his life and shows it to me, I am willing to hear it because he is so gentle.  It is crazy how the Lord uses the gentle and unassuming.  I am so grateful for Austin, and I believe he is going to bring healing to a lot more people than just me.

I am grateful for these two and the Lord has used them in my life.

Healing from the Past and Hope for the Future from Unlikely Sources, Part II of IV

It really hasn't been until the last couple of years that I've been willing to really deal with how I was hurt in and by churches growing up.  It's been a process and, through the Lord's graciousness, He has helped me heal from these wounds with tenderness, compassion and gentleness.

Help has come from some of the places you'd expect -- counseling, time with the Lord Himself and in the Bible, a loving and non-abusive church.  What's surprised me more, though, is some of the unlikely people and sources the Lord has used as part of the healing process.

Today I will talk about an unlikely source the Lord has used in my healing: He has used people prophesying over me.  

Growing up charismatic, Pentecostal churches, I was no stranger to speaking in tongues and prophecy.  As I began healing from many of the wounds I suffered and giving the God thing another try, though, I distanced myself from situations where these spiritual gifts were employed with regularity.  Over a year ago, I felt God's unmistakable leading to spend a weekend at the International House of Prayer.  I was scared.  I was nervous.  I wondered, "What should I do when I'm there?"  And once I was there, I felt like I needed to visit their prophetic ministry.

"Anything but this, Lord.  Please no!"  I cried in my head.

He did not relent.  I needed to do it.  And to my huge surprise, what was prophesied over me was completely on target and incredibly encouraging.

The first person prophesying began.

I feel like the Lord is removing accusation and the lies of the enemy in this season, and He is speaking identity and love over you.  You keep hearing the accusation but at the same time you begin hearing the truth and your heart is torn.  The Lord is fighting for you in this season -- for your heart to be free and to walk in His love and the freedom of acceptance and confidence. 

Another person continued.

The Lord wants to speak identity to you.  He wants to break off every lie and accusation and come in like a mighty force with truth.  You are beautiful.  You're not "less than."  You are not forgotten.  People have taken so much advantage of you, and the Lord wants to restore that.  There is a season of restoration and refreshing coming.  I feel like there's things you've done and people haven't acknowledged you -- but the Lord acknowledges you.  You bring healing to the brokenhearted.  You have so much compassion and mercy.  You don't like to see people hurting or in need and you do whatever you can to help.

I cried and cried as they prophesied over me.  I listened to this prophecy probably (literally) 100 times.  The first 20 or 30 times I listened to it, I cried.  "Could this be true?" I wondered.  Could it really be that I was loving and compassionate and not argumentative and manipulative like I'd been told over and over growing up?  Could it be that I'd grown up being told lies and not the truth about who I was?

As I prayed about it, played the prophecy over and over, continued in counseling, and put one foot in front of the other, the Lord began healing me. He began showing me even more lies I'd grown up believing, and what the truth was.  Little by little, I was gaining strength and healing -- and it all began with a prophecy which was the last place I would have expected it to start.

Healing from the Past and Hope for the Future from Unlikely Sources, Part I of IV

When I think about the spiritual aspect of how I grew up, it's sad and maybe it was the perfect storm for getting hurt.  First off: me -- I was a strong willed child who, despite putting on fronts that would indicate otherwise, was incredibly sensitive and easily hurt.  Second off: churches that were run by insecure, immature leaders who had strong (and I've come to believe not Biblical) ideas about women and their roles.  They were threatened by others -- particularly women -- who were confident and knowledgable.  They proactively worked to cut others down to size, typically before they even posed a threat to others.  Third off: role models who -- through no fault of their own -- were incredibly hurt and were marginalized and wounded by the immature leadership they'd been under in church settings.  This led me to believe that you were just supposed to "take it" when others devalued and disrespected you.  It also led me to believe that operating out of your strengths was threatening to others and, as a result, should be avoided.

I grew up thinking that this was normal.  I grew up thinking it was normal to have someone bring you to church and be so hurt they would cry in the car because they couldn't bear to go in themselves.  I grew up thinking it was normal to be cut down to size if you knew the answers to too many questions, or if you asked questions that adults didn't have answers for.  I grew up thinking boys were "better" than girls.  I grew up thinking it was normal to have to re-accept Jesus into your heart every week because your salvation was never a guaranteed thing.  I grew up thinking it was normal to fall down every time someone prayed for you.  I grew up thinking that a lot of things that I've come to think are downright incorrect, toxic, and abusive were normal and were, at a minimum, Jesus-approved but probably even Jesus-santioned.

And, as I entered adulthood, I wasn't really sure what to do with all of that but I knew for sure that I didn't like it.

Good Friends

This morning, I was praying with my friend Ashley.  We get together Mondays to catch up, to share what's going on in each others' lives, to laugh, and most of all to pray for each other.  I love these times with my dear friend.

This morning as I shared with her what God was doing in a couple of my friends' lives and how exciting it was, Ashley said, "Sarah you've got some really good friends down here.  It's really incredible to think about where you were three years ago and where you are now."

It is.

It is absolutely incredible -- it's a testament to how the Lord exchanges beauty for ashes; the oil of joy for mourning; a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  It's a testament to how He makes all things new.

The first three years I lived in Arkansas, I had basically no friends.  It led me to experience the dark night of my soul -- an intense three years of depression where I felt utterly hopeless and alone.  It was without a doubt the darkest time in my life.

And then came Jesus.  He lifted me out of the pit.  He slowly and gently put my feet on a solid rock when He knew I was capable of standing again.  And now, He is using me for His glory.

And I think about all of the friends in Arkansas without whom this would not be possible.

• I think about Emily M. who loved me at my most unlovable, who gave me space when I needed it.  I think about our 6 AM meetings at McDonalds to talk and pray every week.
• I think about Ashley C. who was fun and who just listened and shared her experiences with me, reaching out to me when I didn't know anybody.
• I think about Ben and Rachel who invited me over for grilled cheese on a Christmas Eve, and listened and were kind.  I think about how Rachel showed me what it means to be yourself and be completely ok with it.
• I think about Charlie and Heidi who -- even though they probably didn't know it -- helped me to feel safe in church and begin to emerge and heal from spiritual abuse as a child.

These guys all loved me at my worst.  And I think about where I am now, and how the Lord used them to transform my life, I am so humbled.  When I reflect on how the Lord has richly blessed me with such loving, dedicated friends who show me different dimensions of God and allow me to richly experience life, I am overwhelmed.

• I think about Meredith.  I think about how the Lord has filled her with so much more confidence than she had and how He is using her gift of singing.  I think about how over the course of our friendship, we've both become better versions of ourselves as the Lord develops our characters.  I think about how we've helped to coach the Lord's gifts out of each other.
• I think of Ashley.  I think of what depressed messes we were when we met, and where we are now.  NIGHT. AND. DAY.  So different.  We are both walking in the strength and gifts the Lord has given us.  I think about how the Lord never gives up on us -- even in our most selfish, darkest times.  I think about how God loves us enough to push us to our breaking points so we can be broken for Him and out of that brokenness share Jesus' love with others.
• I think of Carrie.  I think about how, even though we were only in the same place for six months, the Lord just allowed us to become soul-level friends who love to laugh and who are passionately pursuing God together, even while we are on different continents.
• I think of Whitney -- I think of how she is the strongest and perhaps sharpest person I know.  I see how the Lord is using her in the corporate world, and how she encourages and challenges me every time we are together.  I think of her gifts and am so excited to see how the Lord uses her as He continues to give her incredible favor and puts her before kings.
• I think of sweet Katie.  I think of all the good times we had on Soapstone and how she helped me transform from a selfish, materialistic, inwardly focused person to one with a more missional, generous, Kingdom-oriented perspective.  I think of how much we laugh every time we get together, sometimes to the point of her rolling up in the fetal position with laughter.  I think about her understated leadership and her quiet strength that is an example to everyone she is around.
• I think of Austin and how he is like my little brother.  I think about how much he is learning, and what a joy he is to be around.  I think about how hungry He is to hear from the Lord and walk in His ways.  I think about how the Lord is using him to transform the spiritual future of his family.
• I think about Hunter.  I think about what a joy he is to be around.  I think about how incredibly in tune he is with the needs of others, and how he is one of the most loyal, genuine people I know.
• I think of Rob and Lauren.  I think about how happy I am they will spend their lives together.  I think about how much they desire to share the love and hope of Jesus with others.  I think of how genuine and giving they are.  I think about how they are hard workers who are among the most humble people I know.
• I think about Emily S.  I think about her sincerity and how fun she is.  I think about how she is one of the sweetest, most prayerful people I know.  I think about how her sincerity is undergirded with strong discernment and a gritty fearlessness to come against the powers of darkness.
• I think about my friend Bobby, and how much he is growing in the Lord.  I think about how damn likable that guy is, and how much he makes me laugh.  I think about how the Lord is going to use him in the lives of kids with rough starts, to encourage them and share His love.

These are just the friends that come to mind right away, and there are even more -- I think of Angela and Gennie and others who are funny and genuine and who I am so glad are in my life.  The point of this wasn't to gush about individuals (though that's what it turned into) -- but moreso to just thank the Lord for His faithfulness in providing friends when I needed them the most.  I feel so richly blessed to be surrounded by such loving, caring, awesome friends.  And perhaps even more than that, I marvel that the Lord has restored me to the point where I'm no longer doing all of the taking in relationships, but where I am not able to invest in the lives of others and hopefully help them since so many people helped me when I was at my absolute worst.  To God alone be the glory.

Epic Summer of Memories

At the beginning of the summer, I thought for sure I was leaving.  I had applied for the Protege program, I had sensed that my chapter at the U of A was finishing and I thought it was time for me to peace out of Fayetteville.  Turned out that was wrong, but I decided at the beginning of the summer that the summer would be epic.  I worked to live with intentionality, and I had the best summer I can remember.

It began innocently enough.  One day after work my friend Emily came over to borrow a movie, and long story short we ended up going to a weekday, 10 PM movie -- way past either of our normal bedtimes and way outside the normal boundaries we've constructed to make sure we get enough sleep and function like normal adults.  We chugged coffee and off we went.  That evening was so much fun, and the summer was given a name that stuck:

THE EPIC SUMMER OF MEMORIES

I worked to live each day with intention.  I wasn't sure how long I'd be in Fayetteville, so I tried to make memories every day -- I did fun things with my some of my favorite people.  It was awesome.  Here were some of the highlights:

• Cameron and I beat Super Mario Brothers.
• I went to see the Cooper and Thorncrown Chapels designed by Faye Jones, and spent time with Jesus there.
• Emily and I watched the first several seasons of the Office together.
• Anna and I had an epic day in which we went all over Fayetteville, went for a walk in the historic district, got ice cream, and watched the sunset over Mt. Sequoia.  And harassed Cameron at Mama Carmen's.
• Katie showed me around Branson, gave me a glimpse into her life on summer project, and took me to Whitewater.
• I got to shoot off fireworks at Rick and Julie's house for the first time in my life with a good chunk of our community group.  It was 75ish on July 4th in Arkansas -- such an idyllic setting, even if I had gotten into a wreck on the way out to their house.  But then the cop who had helped me at the scene of the wreck came out and crashed our party.  Amazing.
• Cameron and I made canolis.  From scratch.  For real.
• Randi and Lloyd held a crawfish boil for me.  It was awesome -- my first one, and held in my honor.
• Lauren, Hunter, and I had the most epic group text with so many memes, GIFs, and amazing Buzzfeed links.
• Hunter showed me how to send a GIF via text -- game changer.  He and I also hung out a ton this summer, including that one time we played Mario during a tornado warning....
• Austin and I went to the Tulsa Zoo and the Oklahoma aquarium.  I got introduced to the Strickland Zoo (aka, their five dogs).
• The Grove opened its new building, and I helped Gennie to paint her mural in one of the kids rooms and led a cleaning crew before the grand opening.
• Gennie, Ashley, Meredith and I hung out at the pool together a ton, usually with Justus, Kaleb, and Drew.
• Meredith and Ashley threw me the most epic birthday party at ChaCha and Pop's house with the coolest cake I've ever seen (RAINBOW!!!).  We decided that for my 35th birthday next year, I need to have a Glamour Shots party.  Um, winning!
• Hunter introduced me to Parks and Rec, and I watched all of it.
• I read a ton.
• Katie and I spent a great last week as roommates together, culminating with our last roommate outing exploring Cooper Chapel and enjoying the sunset on Mt. Sequoia.
• Hunter introduced me to the rock on top of Mission Hill.  We went and watched the supermoon, and talked until 1:30 AM.  (The bedtime thing started becoming more flexible as the summer wore on...)
• Gennie and I sat on her porch and talked a bunch, and pushed Drew in the swing.  It was so chill and fun.
• Whitney and I spent Wednesdays in Bentonville, doing fun Bentonville things.
• Hunter applied to tons of med schools, and I helped with many of his essays.
• I went to Crystal Bridges several times.  I got to see the Norman Rockwell exhibit, which was fun.
• Emily and I spent a lot of time together.  She began sharing with me how significant she thought my name is, and was one of the first in a long line of people to remind me of the promises given to Abraham and Sarah.  These are promises I now cling to daily.
• I spent the occasional introvert Sunday at St. Catherine's at Bell Gable.  Gorgeous.
• Daisha gave me vocab lessons.
• Mollie and Lindsey and I became pen pals.  This is my favorite thing ever.  Letters (and cheese) are my love language.
• I finished my promise book, where I read through the entire Bible and wrote out in a journal all of the promises that it contained.

These are just things that pop to mind immediately.  There were so many more.  At the beginning of the summer, the Office finale was on and Andy said, "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them."  When I heard this, I felt the Lord say -- "These are the good old days, right now.  Enjoy them."

And I did.  This summer, the Lord taught me a lot about making the most of every single day, enjoying simple pleasures with great friends, and being thankful.  This summer -- which was incredibly epic -- I didn't go on vacation or spend a ton of money, but it was filled with some of the best memories I've made with friends.  I am so grateful, and it definitely won't be one that I forget anytime soon.

Books I've Read Lately

This fall has been hard, but good.  I have really worked really hard to be reading and learning in preparation for what's next.  Here's a list of what I've read since last time.

General and for Fun

• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by JK Rowling (reread)
• Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

Small Groups and Discipleship

• Small Groups with Purpose: How to Create Healthy Communities by Steve Gladen
• Follow Me by David Platt
• Real-Life Discipleship: Building Churches that Make Disciples by Jim Putman
• Community is Messy by Heather Zempel (reread)

General Spiritual Development

• Barefoot Church by Brandon Hatmaker
• Leaders who Last by Dave Kraft
• Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel
• Unrelenting Prayer by Bob Sorge
• All In by Mark Batterson
• Spiritual Warfare: Christians, Demonization, and Deliverance by Karl Payne
• Am I Called? by Dave Harvey
• Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere
• Reckless Faith: Embracing a Life without Limits by Kevin Harney

I'm taking a bit of a break from reading spiritual books for awhile, even though I love them.  I am instead going to read fiction, biographies, and other books that are completely for fun for awhile.  I am reading To Kill a Mockingbird now, and may make my way through the rest of the Harry Potter books next.  A friend even convinced me to read Redeeming Love, which on the surface sounds terrible but I am going to give it a shot because I trust this friend and have heard so many good things about the book. I feel like the Lord is telling me to enter into His rest, and I will tell you what -- for me who wants answers and wants to figure this thing out, it is proving difficult.

Answered Prayers

I remember it like it was yesterday.  Sometime in mid- to late-July, I was standing in my room packing up clothes in anticipation of moving out of our old house on Soapstone.  It was really, really hard.  My old roommate and I had both heard the Lord say that it was time to move on and find new roommates.  It was sad because we both really enjoyed living together and had a lot of fun.  The Lord used her to change my life.  Our house had been sold, so staying was not an option.  Every door that looked like a possibility had been closed.  I had about a week left with a place to live and, despite knocking on every door and leaving no stone that I knew of unturned, nothing had worked out.

Absolutely nothing.  After the week was up, I had no idea where I would live.

I cry/yelled at God in my head, "What are you doing?!  Why is this happening?"  I was just really at a loss, and felt desperate.  I was probably crying (for those of you who know me, shocker).

I felt a clear, immediate, unmistakable answer: "I am answering your prayers.  You prayed to be on offense."

I remember the first time I heard Mark Batterson say, "God didn't come for us to play it safe.  He came to make us dangerous."  The words connected with my spirit immediately.  He went on to explain how much of the church is engaged in defense to keep us from losing ground, but how God has called us to storm the gates of hell.  When I heard him say that, I knew instantaneously that God was using Mark to talk directly to me.  I prayed a simple prayer right there while riding my bike -- "Lord, help me to be on offense and not on defense for your kingdom."

And there in my room on Soapstone Dr. more than a year later, God let me know he was answering a prayer I had prayed in a way that I can't say I understood or made sense to me.  But I believe Him and I trust Him.  I am now on offense.

To be honest, I cannot say I understand how the circumstances of my life are going to work out.  I see an impending deadline.  I see closed doors all over the place.  I feel like nothing I've done in a really long time has worked out.  I see my lack of training in a direction God is telling me to go.  Nothing about this plan seems good on paper.

But I can feel God with me.  I can feel his Spirit telling me which way to go, and I know He is transforming me.  Without a doubt, He has given me supernatural courage that can only come from Him.  I know He is telling me to wait and to be still and to listen to Him.  I know He has it under control, even though it doesn't look like it or feel like it.

Even when it seems like I'm benched or just trying to play defense to keep life from swallowing me whole, I trust that God has placed me on offense and -- in His timing -- He will call me off the bench to play for His kingdom.  In the meantime, I am just working to listen and obey Him.  I know He is building character and stamina in me, and working out many of the rough spots.  I will play offense at the moment He is ready -- and not a moment before.

I trust Him completely and am grateful He has answered this prayer in my life, even though I don't understand how just yet.

Discipleship

I remember last spring when I was considering what to do about my job -- should I go up for tenure?  Should I not?  If not, what would that mean for where my life was headed?  That time was chaotic, uncertain, and extremely confusing.  I was desperate for answers from God.  In the midst of the chaos, I felt the still small voice of the Holy Spirit whisper something to me that caught me extremely off guard:

"Discipleship pastor."

Being honest, I didn't know what a discipleship pastor was.   I thought it was extremely bizarre and random.  It was out of left field, and no one was more surprised about this prompting than I was.  Nonetheless it was random enough that I thought that it just might be a God thing so I began to consider it and pray about it.

For the last six months, I have been seeking God hard -- begging for His direction, unsure of which way to go.  He hasn't been loud, but He has been there reassuring me with His presence and overwhelming me with peace.

Trust me.

I haven't forgotten you.

I am preparing you.

Wait for me.

Be still.

Listen.

Cease striving.

Trust me.

At the same time, I've been working to learn as much as I can about what it might look like to be a discipleship pastor.  Digging into the word.  Reading as much about discipleship and spiritual development as time allows.  Reading blogs upon blogs.  Getting involved in writing curriculum with a team of folks at my church.  Meeting with people from my church and from folks at other churches as well who can teach me about discipleship.  Spending a ton of time in prayer, and learning better to listen for the voice of the Spirit.  In short I am working like it depends on me, and praying like it depends on God -- because it does.  Period.

Last night I was at my community group, and we were praying for each other.  Though I've kept them in the loop as everything has happened, I asked last night that they would pray that I would have clear direction and that I would have wisdom in how I spend my time in this season of waiting and preparation for what's next.  They did pray for me, and I was encouraged.  Then my friend Linda got a word from the Spirit.

"The Lord has given you this dream -- you need to pursue discipleship."

She and others went on to pray that I would walk in faith like Abraham and Sarah, and that the Lord would fulfill His promises to me.  Most of them had no idea how significant that was, but this is something the Lord has been showing me and speaking to me since March.

And that was it.  I knew in my spirit that I had my answer.  Through Linda, the Lord had confirmed the direction I should go. I've had my yes on the table for awhile, letting the Lord know I would do whatever and go whichever direction He wanted me to go -- but I haven't known which direction that was.  I've been praying alone, with friends, and in community for six months or so that He would make His direction clear to me, but I just didn't have an answer.  I prayed and prayed and groaned and waited and was trusting the Lord He would make it clear in His timing.

And His timing was last night.  And His answer was to pursue discipleship.

And my answer to Him is yes, I will.

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.  I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ. ~ Philippians 3:7-8

Waiting

"You're still here? I thought you were leaving."

"Have you started applying for jobs?"

"What's next?"

These are all questions I hear pretty regularly -- and my answers are, in order:

Yes I'm still here, and I thought I was leaving too.

No I haven't.

Not sure.  Whatever the Lord says to do.

It's been interesting.  I just have this overwhelming sense that this is where I should be right now.  I am very well-supported: my community and friends here are so outstanding -- encouraging, prayerful, fun, and willing to say the hard stuff too.  I am getting the chance to volunteer more in the area of small groups and discipleship.  I am investing in students and friendships.  I am reading a ton about spritual development and small groups and discipleship.

And most of all, I am learning to better discern, hear, and act on what I learn from that still, small voice of the Holy Spirit.

It's interesting when I reflect on what's happened since this time last year.  In the day to day, it feels like nothing's happened -- but when I look back I see how much the Lord has done.

• He has shown me that my identity is in Him, not my childhood or my brains or my job or what I do or give.
• I've quit my job, cashed in my chips, and put my yes on the table.  I will do whatever He wants me to do and go wherever He wants me to go.
• He has helped me to be a much better steward of my money by living on a budget.  I am giving significantly more AND saving more at the same time.
• He has given me an insane amount of courage and boldness.
• He has shown me how many promises there are in scripture, and how they are for me.
• He is growing me in the area of stewarding my emotions, and turning all of them over to Him -- especially anxiety.  He is showing me what it looks like to let the peace of God rule in my heart.
• He has shown me that I need to seek Him -- above knowledge, above opportunities, above knowing what's next.  Seek Him first.  He will work out the rest.
• He has grown me in the area of patience.  A lot.
• He has humbled me further.  It's uncomfortable, but it's so good and I honestly believe it's one of the main keys to receiving His blessing and walking in His anointing in my life.
• He has shown me that I expect people to give me grace while I don't extend the same grace to them.  He is helping me to change this.
• He has shown me that many of the things I grew up being told were liabilities are not.  They are part of the way He intentionally designed me for His glory.

I had this forewarning last spring that I would be in the wilderness for awhile -- wandering without a plan.  Here I am, more than 6 months later still wandering without any idea what's next.  It is uncomfortable.  It isn't my usual M.O.  It's not what I like.  Yet in the midst of this, I find myself contented and knowing that this is what the Lord wants for me right now.  While I wait, I rely on what is becoming one of my favorite promises in the Bible.

Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah and did for Sarah what He had promised.  Genesis 21:1