These last few months I have really wanted more than ever to hear from the Lord.  The Lord has really met me there, through prophecies at IHOP, through friends with words of affirmation and prophecy over me, and in my own practice of daily meditative journaling.  It has been both a time of encouragement, and of enlarging my vision and I am grateful for that.

One of the things that has been interesting is how the Lord has been using prophetic words others have spoken to me to confirm things that He has told me directly.  That has been great.

Also I feel like the Lord has given me new things to think about and pray about as a result of the prophecies that have been spoken over me too.  One of the most interesting things that I felt like the Lord told happened last night through a dude I'd never met named Travis.

"It's not that you're more equipped or better able to things than others, it's that you're more willing."

Wow.  Game changer.  He went on to talk about my openness to the things of the Lord.  That was hugely encouraging to me.  That truly is what I do desire.  I just want to do what the Lord wants me to -- nothing more, nothing less.

I love how God has shown me how I've really grown up overcomplicating and over thinking things.  All I really need to do is listen do God and do what he says.  Nothing more, nothing less.  He will reveal the way for me and make my path straight.  I just need to walk in them.

Reflections on Mary, the Mother of Jesus

One of the things that's become an integral part of my spiritual growth this semester is meditative journaling.  Perhaps I'll write more about that at some point.  In short, the he main idea is that instead of telling God what you want him to know (e.g., prayer journaling, etc), you ask Him what He wants to tell you and then you write down what you feel like He says.  I've really grown to treasure this practice in my own life and God has really used this on this leg of my spiritual journey.

This morning, as I was doing my meditative journaling, I felt like the Lord helped me to see the Christmas story more from Mary's eyes than I ever had before.  Obviously as someone who is from the modern West, in her mid-30s, never engaged, and career minded, it's tough to put myself into the shoes of an engaged middle eastern Jew in her early teens who was visited by an angel and told she would give birth to the Messiah.  But the Lord helped me and I understand the story in a different way than I ever have before.

When Mary was first visited by the angel and received his message that she had found favor with God, her first response was confusion and she was disturbed.  After the angel subsequently told her she would have a baby, name Him Jesus, and that He would reign over Israel in a Kingdom that would never end, she obediently embraced this news.  "I am the Lord's servant.  May everything you have said about me come true."  When Mary visits her friend and relative Elizabeth later in her pregnancy, Elizabeth says, "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said."

Is it really that easy?  Is it really just as simple as leading a life that the Lord finds favor with and then walking in the plan that He has for you?  I find myself comforted by that thought.  I don't need to arrange any great heroics -- I just need to humbly submit to the plans that the Lord has for me and trust that He will work out the details.

That's not to say it will be easy.  Here are some excerpts of what the Lord told me this morning as I was doing my meditative journaling.

Mary was visited by an angel of the Lord who brought her "good news" -- but just like her good news upset her impending plans and probably wasn't aligned with her 5, 10, or 30 year plans, neither are my plans for you.  At this point in the story [Christmas Eve], Mary was very pregnant, uprooted from her support system, and traveling to fulfill bureaucratic requirements -- all while carrying the hope of the world, the Messiah, inside of her.  Then she arrived in Bethlehem and not only was the red carpet not rolled out for her, she ended up having a baby in the most disgusting, unlikely, humble of all situations.  The baby was Jesus, and He saved the world.  I gave Him a great cost to me and to Him -- and I did it through Mary.  Her circumstances weren't cushy or fancy: but she obeyed and I did provide for her -- and I will do the same for you.  So as you feel the discomfort and the weight of what I am asking you to do, know that I can accomplish great things through the most humble, unlikely circumstances and that all that is required is obedience and walking in the path I have prepared for you -- even when it seems crazy.

Mary didn't have to hustle and network and explain and make pitches to important people.  She didn't have to justify the legitimacy of her plans to others.  The Lord prepared a plan for her, told her about it, and then she believed it and walked in it.  That's it -- and we remember and honor her 2000 years later because of her obedience and because she found favor with God.  Incredible.  May the same be said of me someday - that I found favor in the eyes of the Lord and I humbly and obediently walked in the plans He prepared for me.

This Semester

This semester has been a little crazy.  And by a little crazy I mean totally nuts.

Not expecting to be in Arkansas at all this school year year; but then being here after all.
Not having my own place to live, but putting my stuff in storage and living with a family for a year.
Not teaching one class, but three.
Dealing with the mid-semester death of a coworker and the fallout that that entailed.
Not really knowing much of anything about two of the classes I'm teaching.
Feeling unsettled and unsure of what every day would hold.

I was going to rehash the gory details of how it's all gone down, but then I remembered that I've done that before.  The only thing I'd add to that is that last week, I found out my dad was arrested.  I don't want to go into the details, but let's just say I was all over the emotional map -- disappointed, angry, sad, embarrassed.  All of it.  Woof; it's a bad scene, y'all and it's made the Semester I Thought Couldn't Get Crazier (SITCGC) just a smidge crazier.  In fact every new curveball that was thrown at me -- and there were several -- I thought to myself, "Things can't get any crazier."  Lo and behold, things kept getting crazier until I've finally decided that I just won't speculate on whether or not things can get crazier.  As I've learned, they can always get crazier.

Here's some of what I've learned this SITCGC.

• God is faithful.  He has gotten me through every day this semester, and now there are just 11 more.  Praise Jesus.
• His grace really is sufficient.  His power really is made perfect in weakness; trust me, I've experienced more weakness in this semester than I can really ever remember.
• There is something to letting the peace of Christ rule in your heart.  When there is peace, it seems like there isn't space for fear or doubt.
• Joy and thanksgiving are possible in trials.  And it seems that thanksgiving sets up an environment where joy can grow and flourish.
• Attitude is everything -- see above about peace, joy, and thanksgiving.
• I can't expect grace unless I extend it.  I've learned A LOT about that this semester and this summer (thanks Charlie).
• If God initiates, He will give me the reserves I need to do what He asks me to do.  I couldn't have made it through this semester were that not the case.
• Being faithful to spiritual disciplines daily -- spending time with the Lord every morning reading the Word and listening to what He has to say to me -- is huge.  I need to treat the little things like they're big things.  God honors that.
• His plans are generally not things we would expect -- they are non-linear, stochastic, and confusing.  But they are perfect.
• The Lord is near to all who call upon Him.  Trust me, I've called frequently this semester.
• I'm getting better at hearing the Lord's voice, and not trying to finish His sentences for Him.

This semester was nothing like I expected, but what I can say is that I have learned so much.  I can tell I am being prepared for something -- not sure what, and not sure when -- but I think when that special something comes, I will know what it is and I will be ready to do what it takes.

In the meantime, the Lord continues to teach me about embracing uncertainty -- learning to trust Him without trying to figure everything out.  That's been a hard but good lesson.

Ahhhh, development.  It's not just about reading books, y'all.  This SITCGC has been the ultimate real deal, boots on the ground guide.  And I wouldn't trade it.

God's plans

During my visit to NCC, I felt like I heard really clearly from God.  I was grateful.  One morning while I was doing some meditative journaling, I felt like God was asking me a question:

"Sarah, do you understand me?"

I was taken aback.  I though for a sec.

"Well, um, no.  Not really.  I mean I guess I get glimpses of what you're like, but I would go with a 'No, I don't understand you.'"

He replied quickly but gently.

"Well then why would you understand my plans?"

Touche.  It was a moment of clarity, and I was (and am) grateful for it.

Since that time, I've been able to embrace a lot more uncertainty.  I've spent a lot less time trying to figure things out, and a lot more time just trying to seek God instead of just seeking His will or guidance for what comes next.

If I am following God, He will reveal in His timing what comes next.
If I am following God, the details of what comes next are a lot less important than the process of learning to trust Him unconditionally.
If I am following God, really the rest just matters a whole lot less.
And that is liberating.
And I am grateful.

Development - First Check-In

I wrote way back when about how i felt the Lord telling me this would be a year of development.  I wrote about how what I thought that meant wasn't actually what it meant.  Now that -- mercifully -- we're approaching Thanksgiving break and are more than a third of the way through my last academic year at the U of A, I'd like to check in and reflect a little bit.

It's really funny to read back on what I thought development might look like when the Lord first whispered that to me in August.  It turned out to be pretty right on -- the year of development was going to be about developing my character.  When I wrote the original post about it, I apparently had some clarity.  Over the next couple months, however, my view of development became skewed and less accurate.

You see, somehow in my mind development became about acquiring skills, building a network, filling my head with knowledge, and all kinds of other noble goals.  Development became about things that, at least from a worldly perspective, are great.  And so I dived in with great abandon to reading books and meeting with people and trying to make contacts and get experiences that would help me to be a good discipleship pastor.

And then I felt God clearly saying to stop.
Stop reading.
Stop trying to leverage the wisdom of the collective.
In short, to stop trying to make this happen on my own and instead to trust that God Himself would speak to me and tell me what to do next in His timing.

The year of development has not been about learning skills, organizing and leading small groups, or volunteering at church -- it has been about teaching classes I don't know anything about, stepping in to fill roles that are needed in our department even though I don't have time or the capability to do so, choosing to believe that God's grace IS sufficient for me when I feel stretched beyond my human capabilities, learning to follow well and honor those in authority over me, being faithful to the opportunities that God puts in front of me, and learning to trust that God will provide me with exactly what I need to get through one day at a time.  It has been about learning how to take care of myself and how to rest when life is stressful.  It has been about honing my ability to listen to God (without finishing His sentences) and prioritizing time with Him.  It has been about learning to be content and grateful when circumstances are tough.  It has been about embracing uncertainty and trusting God with the future.

It has been hard, but it has been good.  While I don't pretend to understand God's plan (more on that later), I can see how these life lessons are more valuable than anything I could learn from books.  I am grateful that the Lord's wisdom exceeds my own and that He is orchestrating the circumstances of my life to prepare me so that I will have the character I need to walk in whatever He calls me to next -- whatever that is.

Finishing the Sentence....

"Discipleship pastor," I heard the Lord say.

It was clear.  It was random.  It was unmistakable.  And when I felt like He told me to apply to the Protege Program, I thought that meant that I was done at the U of A and would be leaving for DC this past August. 

Nope, wrong.

"Daily bread,"  I heard the Lord whisper to me late last spring.

Oh, I thought.  That means He will provide the support I need to do the Protege program, but on a just in time basis.

Nope, wrong.

"Development," God told me.

Aha.  I need to volunteer more and get more involved at church!  I will be reading a whole bunch of books and gaining the skills I need to be a discipleship pastor by volunteering.

Nope, wrong.

"Don't live with Katie," I sensed the Lord saying.

Man, that sucks.  I love Katie!  Well I guess the Lord is leading me to live with Emily instead!  Oh wait, that's not what He's saying?  I guess He will provide at the last minute so I can live with someone else my age-ish.

Nope, wrong.

I went through a period where basically everything I've thought the Lord's saying had been wrong.  But as I look back and reflect, it hasn't been wrong -- I've just been trying to finish His sentences for Him.  That's not really the way it works; it's not my job to finish God's sentences for Him, it's my job to follow Him.  I've been learning what this looks like, slowly but surely.  I'm learning to dial back the expectations of a big picture vision all at once.  I'm learning to trust Him when the path is completely ambiguous.  I'm learning to be able to sit in silence and just enjoy time with Him, even when we are both quiet.  It is hard.  At times, it's awkward.  But it is good, and definitely something I need to be learn.  One more thing I'm learning during this year of development.