Life out in the Desert

It's been about four months since all of this craziness ensued -- deciding whether or not to go up for tenure, ultimately discerning that the Lord was leading me in another direction, trying to figure out what direction He was leading me, applying for an opportunity, and waiting.

And waiting.

There has been lots of waiting.  I don't know how the Israelites did this for 40 years.  I don't know how the woman with the issue of blood dealt with it for 12 years.  I've been here for only four months, and I'm ready for some answers and to get a move on, please.  A nice American attitude I've learned.

Since I've decided I'm not going up for tenure, I've applied only for one opportunity -- a character and leadership development program at a church.  The Lord told me with crystal clarity that I needed to apply for it.  He confirmed it time and again after I submitted my application.  I have essentially operated under the assumption that this is what He has next for me, and have been living my life accordingly -- but without any concrete evidence like an offer that this opportunity would pan out or actually happen.

I thought that I'd get some answers last Friday about whether or not I've been accepted to the program I've applied for.  Friday came and went by with nary a peep.  And Saturday.  And Sunday.  And Monday.  And most of Tuesday.

Tuesday afternoon/evening I got a request for a followup phone call.  Some of the decision makers wanted more information about my situation, my story, and -- I think -- my attitude and outlook on all of this.

And you know what?  After several days of constantly battling anxiety, frustration about missed deadlines and wondering what would happen if this wasn't next next, this conversation put me at peace.  It was a candid conversation with honesty and openness on both sides.  Serious and challenging questions that didn't have clean, easy answers were posed.  I believe the Lord gave me grace to answer honestly and respectfully.  I was very, very impressed with the way things were handled by those doing the question-asking.

I emerged from the conversation reassured of several things.

God is in control of my life.  I was created by Him and He has prepared good works for me to do in advance.  Whether it's this program or not, He has a plan for my life.  Yes, He is asking me out of the boat and to step on the water toward Him in faith by quitting my job without a plan in place of what's next.  Yes, He told me to run toward this opportunity -- but maybe it was about trusting Him and not this opportunity in particular being what's next in the plan.

I still hope to be accepted to this program I've applied to.  My conversation with the leader of the program had this paradoxical effect of making me want to learn from these people even more, and completely setting my mind at ease that if I am not accepted, that it is the right decision.

I have been told I will probably hear today.  I hope the answer is that, yes, I am accepted to the program.  I really, really want to be a part of this program, what the Lord is doing in a city that I love, and I want to learn from and be friends with the people in the program.  But if the answer is no, I know that this is not the plan God has for me.  I have peace that God's plan is something different.

And if I don't hear today, I can accept that as well.

God is sovereign over life everywhere -- even in the desert when we are wandering, waiting, and listening for His voice.  I want to trust Him everywhere.  No one likes the desert, but you sure do learn a lot out here.

EDITED TO ADD - The day I wrote this came and went and now it's Saturday.  I think the church takes Monday off since they work on Sundays -- so looks like I won't hear until at least Tuesday.  And while it's not what I had hoped or planned for, that is ok.