Insecurity

In general, I would say that I have a pretty healthy sense of confidence.  In fact, if I'm not careful this confidence gets out of control and bubbles up into pride, and that's not any good for anyone.  But, in general, no self esteem issues for this girl.

I'll tell you what, though, the uncertainty of what's going to happen next in my life has really thrown me for a loop.  It has also brought insecurities to the surface that I didn't know were there.  When other people are doing jobs I think I'd be better at, I find myself judging them.  When other people get good news that I think I could have benefitted from, I find myself jealous instead of being able to celebrate with them.  I find myself seeking out certain people's blog posts or social media postings sometimes so I can read them, judge them, and feel better than them.

What is wrong with me?!?

As I think about it and pray that the Lord removes this ugliness from me, I am forced with the truth: these are all insecurities and fear surfacing in my life.  I am wanting to walk in the plans that the Lord has for other people since those paths are known and relatively certain rather than waiting for the Lord to reveal the plans He has for my life.  I find myself wanting to find value in my talents and abilities to perform relative to other people rather than finding my value in the way God has made me, and appreciating the way God has made everyone else.  That's not good.  And that has to change.

Going to have to turn that over to the Lord and trust Him help me walk in my identity in Him.  I want to celebrate and help others walk in the giftings, personalities, and successes the Lord has given them; I don't want to tear them down or not appreciate them.  To do that, though, I need to be rock-solid-secure in my identity in Christ -- the way He has (and hasn't) made me and the fact that my value comes from Him alone, not in what I can (or can't) do, especially relative to other people.

Humility

One of the things the Lord has been teaching me for the last year -- really since I've been willing to listen -- is how important humility is.  I feel like for me, so much hinges on approaching things with a posture of humility.  It's one of the things that I constantly struggle with.

Humble people are unpretentious and have an appropriately low views of themselves.  Contrast that with the proud, who have really high views of themselves and are arrogant.   Humility says, "I'm not better than you"; pride smirks, "I'm better than you are."

I'll be honest; I was in my office writing all about humility and how much the Lord has taught me about this in the last year and getting ready to post it on the blog.

And then I had to go to court tonight.  I was in an accident in July.  While I was fine, I did not have proof of my insurance with me when I was in the wreck.  In the town where the accident occurred, the judge wanted to meet with everyone who gets tickets -- you couldn't simply pay the fine and move on without meeting with the prosecutor.  Sigh.  While I was initially annoyed by it all, the Lord used this experience to show me that I've got a long way to go when it comes to humility.  A LONG way.

The courtroom was crowded.  The chairs were grimy and gross.  The people who were there aren't generally the type of folks I associate with.  The room smelled like a mix of smoke and stale booze with a hint of BO.  It generally wasn't pleasant.  I was immediately uncomfortable.  I then slipped into my old default response of being judgmental and arrogant.

That's when the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder.  Ahem.  "Jesus died for them too.  You are a sinner too.  You need me, and you know me.  They need me too -- but most of them don't know me.  You all need grace."

And I did.  I really needed grace.  "Lord," I prayed, "Please help me to see them like you see them.  Please help me to love them."

And He began to work immediately.  "Sarah," he reminded me, "you have a support system.  Many of these people don't.  You could buy your way out of this and can pay your fine.  Many of these people can't. You were loved growing up, but many of these people weren't.  And you are loved by me.  And they are too.  I treasure each of them immensely."

And I was moved.  I began praying immediately, repenting of my pride.  Praying for them to know Jesus.  Praying for them to know the hope, love, joy, and peace that He gives freely.  Praying that the Lord would continue to develop a posture of humility in me.  Praying that He is quick to point out when I need to grow, like He did today.

I left the courtroom deeply convicted and changed.  Lessons come in unexpected ways and through unexpected circumstances -- even in an Elkins, AR courtroom.  I am so grateful.

For by the grace given to me I say to every one of you: do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. -- Romans 12:3

PS The prosecutor dropped the charges and I didn't have to pay anything, which was a bonus.  I received grace upon grace in the courtroom today.  Don't think I will forget this day for awhile.

Posture

Since about midsummer, the word "posture" has been going through my brain like it's on repeat. I've felt like God is reminding me about it over and over and I find myself focusing on this simple idea.  Simply put, posture is the way you carry yourself.  Like virtually everything else in the Christian life, we're told that the Lord cares more about the posture of our hearts than anything about our physical appearance, what's on our resumes, or any credentials we've earned.

I've wrestled through what type of posture the Lord wants me to have the last couple months.  Every week or couple weeks I felt like He would reveal a little more to me, like a slowly dripping faucet.  This weekend as I read Barefoot Church, I felt like the Lord just brought everything together in a big tidal wave of revelation.  This quote really got me thinking.

When your posture is incorrect, you'll always be perceived as an enemy or judge.  When your posture is correct, you'll be perceived as an advocate, a person who supports and speaks in favor of or pleads for another.

After reading this, I sat down and made a list of the postures God wants me (and probably most Christ-followers) to assume.

A posture of humility.

A posture of worship.

A posture of service and selflessness.

A posture of gratitude.

A posture of grace.

A posture of reconciliation and restoration.

A posture of dependence.

A posture of submission.

A posture of learning.

A posture of authenticity.

I'll unpack some of these further in the coming days and weeks, but take some time to reflect -- what posture does God want you to assume in your relationships with others and in your relationship with Him?  How can God use your posture to help make you an advocate who supports others?