Insecurity

In general, I would say that I have a pretty healthy sense of confidence.  In fact, if I'm not careful this confidence gets out of control and bubbles up into pride, and that's not any good for anyone.  But, in general, no self esteem issues for this girl.

I'll tell you what, though, the uncertainty of what's going to happen next in my life has really thrown me for a loop.  It has also brought insecurities to the surface that I didn't know were there.  When other people are doing jobs I think I'd be better at, I find myself judging them.  When other people get good news that I think I could have benefitted from, I find myself jealous instead of being able to celebrate with them.  I find myself seeking out certain people's blog posts or social media postings sometimes so I can read them, judge them, and feel better than them.

What is wrong with me?!?

As I think about it and pray that the Lord removes this ugliness from me, I am forced with the truth: these are all insecurities and fear surfacing in my life.  I am wanting to walk in the plans that the Lord has for other people since those paths are known and relatively certain rather than waiting for the Lord to reveal the plans He has for my life.  I find myself wanting to find value in my talents and abilities to perform relative to other people rather than finding my value in the way God has made me, and appreciating the way God has made everyone else.  That's not good.  And that has to change.

Going to have to turn that over to the Lord and trust Him help me walk in my identity in Him.  I want to celebrate and help others walk in the giftings, personalities, and successes the Lord has given them; I don't want to tear them down or not appreciate them.  To do that, though, I need to be rock-solid-secure in my identity in Christ -- the way He has (and hasn't) made me and the fact that my value comes from Him alone, not in what I can (or can't) do, especially relative to other people.