Desires

This spring has been hard and I've grown and learned a lot, but a few weeks ago I was faced with the reality that my life had been feeling hopeless.  I felt stuck and resigned to a state of indefinite (and permanent feeling) transition and waiting. 

I realized that over the last few years of life -- surrendering my career and job on the tenure track, living with another family and feeling no sense of home or stability, not having a sense of where life was headed -- I felt that life was spinning out of control.  It also hurt to have opportunity after opportunity fall through -- ones that I thought I was following God's plan on.  Over time, it became too hard and painful to hope and expect because I was afraid of being disappointed over and over.  While I had told God, "Yes, I will do whatever you want me to," over time that morphed in my head to become, "God will tell me what to do; I have to wait on Him," and eventually, "My preferences are irrelevant and unimportant." And that felt empty and hopeless.  And I'm coming to believe it is untrue.

Through counseling, a prophecy, and reading Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition and the Life of Faith by Jen Pollock Michel, I am coming believe that my preferences and desires are important and do factor into where my life is going.  The gist of Jen's book is that as the Holy Spirit transforms our hearts and lives more into the image of Christ, He is also at work transforming our desires.  She uses the Lord's prayer to teach us that it is ok -- and even good -- to want, to hope and to dream.  And realizing that for me has been a game changer and a breath of fresh air.  For the first time in over a year, I'm seeing the breaking of a new dawn of hope.

I'm realizing that it is not selfish to want or to dream -- that God has placed many of the dreams that I have had in my heart, and that that is ok.  Realizing this has forced me to ask, "What do I want?  What are my dreams?"  Giving myself permission to dream and want again has made life seem less hopeless.

I have a few big desires that I am asking God for -- a professional opportunity that fell through last year; a house or condo that is big enough for a home office, guest bedroom, and to invite others over for gatherings; and I want to get married to a Godly, kind, gentle but strong man.  These are the desires of my heart -- the things I want, and the things I am asking for.  I trust God with the timing and with the way that it all works out, but I am allowing myself to acknowledge that I do have preferences in this. 

Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. ~ Psalm 37:4