- Me Before You: A Novel by Jojo Moyes
- The Veil by Blake K. Healy
- Living a Life of Fire: An Autobiography by Reinhard Bonnke
- What Every Bride Needs to Know: The Most Important Year in a Woman's Life by Susan DeVries
- What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage by Paul David Tripp
- Atlas Girl: Finding Home in the Last Place I Thought to Look by Emily T. Wierenga
- What Every Groom Needs to Know: The Most Important Year in a Man's Life by Robert Wolgemuth
- Birthing the Miraculous: The Power of Personal Encounters with God to Change Your Life and the World by Heidi Baker
- Fly a Little Higher: How God Answered One Mom's Small Prayer in a Big Way by Laura Sobiech
- 3500: An Autistic Boy's Ten Year Romance with Snow White by Ron Miles
- The Sacred Search: What If It's Not about Who You Marry, But Why? by Gary Thomas
- Becoming Fearless: My Ongoing Journey of Learning to Trust God by Michelle Aguilar
- The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating by Andy Stanley
- Wife Number Seven by Melissa Brown
- Chasing the Dragon: One Woman's Struggle Against the Darkness of Hong Kong's Drug Dens by Jackie Pullinger
- Scary Close (International Edition) by Donald Miller
- The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank
- The Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes by Diane Chamberlain
- Nanny Returns by Nicola Kraus
- Mennonite in a Little Black Dress: A Memoir of Going Home by Rhoda Janzen
- Julie and Julia: 365 Days, 524 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen by Julie Powell
- Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No by Henry Cloud
- Ghost Boy by Martin Pistorius
- The Power of a Whisper: Hearing God, Having the Guts to Respond by Bill Hybels
- M.C. Higgins, the Great by Virginia Hamilton
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Books so Far in 2015
Here's a list of books I've been reading this year. This year, I initially planned to focus less on the number of books I read in favor of choosing to read (at least) 12 classics this year. Well, that plan has fallen by the wayside as I've read exactly zero classics this year. However, part of the original intent behind this goal was to incentivize quality over quantity. Last year I found myself reading short books (250 pages or less, usually) so that I could mark them off my list. This year, I've decided just to read what I want regardless of how long the book is, and I've noticed the books I've read are decidedly longer (iReaditNow, the app I use, says they're averaging about 300 pages and as long as 700). As a result I've read fewer books but read about 7500 pages so far this year (not including reading for work). I've also found myself drawn to more fiction stories, which is a surprise and a departure from what I usually read. Below are the books I've read so far this year. Like usual, my favorites are bolded.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Update - March 2015
I feel stuck in one of those "the more things change, the more they stay the same" seasons: I get up, I go to work, I come home, I read, and I go to bed. I repeat this the next day. I'm usually up at 5 and in bed by 9 or 9:30 at the latest. I hibernate on the weekends, generally reading a couple books, doing laundry, and recouping and storing up energy for the next week. Sometimes I don't even leave the house at all because it takes too much energy and I just don't want to see people.
This semester I'm teaching three classes -- one of them for the first time. I have about 150 students, and it is a tall order to get everything done and still have energy afterwards. Being around so many people in a season of high stress as an introvert has taken a lot out of me, hence the weekend hibernation.
I realized it's been two years now since I jettisoned my life plan for the unknown. I would have never imagined that two years later that I'd still feel in some ways as uncertain about where my life as going as I did when I decided not to go up for tenure two years ago. I would have never guessed that I'd still be living with a family in their guest room and sharing a bathroom with two teenagers with 90% of my stuff in storage. I would have never seen my life playing out this way.
Although my boss has (thankfully) expressed a desire to hire me back next year, the funding -- and hence the existence of a spot for me here -- is uncertain. I would never have imagined that eight years into my career I'd be living on a year to year contract for a job that pays less than I made when I first graduated. I would never have guessed that at 35 I would not own -- or even rent -- a house of my own. I would never have guessed that I'd feel so directionless in my career or professional ambitions.
I would never have guessed so much about this life I find myself living now. I would never have imagined how differently I judge success relative to how I used to imagine or view it. I cannot actually imagine a single thing about my life (except the fact that I have an engineering degree) playing out like it has.
I have no idea where my life is going. I will be honest -- it is scary and exhausting, and I am tired of having lived in transition for so long. At the same time, I feel consistent reassurance (mercifully) that I am doing what the Lord is asking of me -- that this path I am on is the one that He is preparing and asking me to walk. While I have no idea where that is going, I choose to trust Him and believe that hope is just around the bend. In the meantime, I will keep walking on the path He lays out one step at a time.
This semester I'm teaching three classes -- one of them for the first time. I have about 150 students, and it is a tall order to get everything done and still have energy afterwards. Being around so many people in a season of high stress as an introvert has taken a lot out of me, hence the weekend hibernation.
I realized it's been two years now since I jettisoned my life plan for the unknown. I would have never imagined that two years later that I'd still feel in some ways as uncertain about where my life as going as I did when I decided not to go up for tenure two years ago. I would have never guessed that I'd still be living with a family in their guest room and sharing a bathroom with two teenagers with 90% of my stuff in storage. I would have never seen my life playing out this way.
Although my boss has (thankfully) expressed a desire to hire me back next year, the funding -- and hence the existence of a spot for me here -- is uncertain. I would never have imagined that eight years into my career I'd be living on a year to year contract for a job that pays less than I made when I first graduated. I would never have guessed that at 35 I would not own -- or even rent -- a house of my own. I would never have guessed that I'd feel so directionless in my career or professional ambitions.
I would never have guessed so much about this life I find myself living now. I would never have imagined how differently I judge success relative to how I used to imagine or view it. I cannot actually imagine a single thing about my life (except the fact that I have an engineering degree) playing out like it has.
I have no idea where my life is going. I will be honest -- it is scary and exhausting, and I am tired of having lived in transition for so long. At the same time, I feel consistent reassurance (mercifully) that I am doing what the Lord is asking of me -- that this path I am on is the one that He is preparing and asking me to walk. While I have no idea where that is going, I choose to trust Him and believe that hope is just around the bend. In the meantime, I will keep walking on the path He lays out one step at a time.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
2014
This year. This year was all kinds of amazing, hard, stretching and ultimately, good. At the beginning of the year, I felt God impressing strongly on me that I needed to focus 2014 on TRUST. I didn't understand the fullness of what that meant (and probably still don't), but I can say without a doubt God helped to grow me in this area. Trusting in God includes trusting in His plans, timing and most of all His character -- that it is unchanging, that He is faithful, and that He is worthy of being trusted.
At the beginning of the year I had no idea what I was going to do for a job beyond May, and I felt strongly impressed to wait and not actively pursue career opportunities. The prospect of staying at Arkansas was not an option -- my boss had explicitly said so. Yet in a series of not to be believed, impossible events, I ended up getting an offer to stay at Arkansas -- one with much less security and that is a hit to the ego and to the finances, but one that is well-suited to my interests and desire to interact with students. Through the chaos and uncertainty of it all, God was teaching me that He is faithful, that I could hear His voice, and that -- even if it didn't look like I expected -- that He is trustworthy and that He will provide where there is no way.
This summer was awesome in ways I can't describe. For the first time since I started working about 20 years ago, I had the summer off. It helped me to retool and recharge from a stressful semester. It provided me margin to think, to dream, to connect with friends, and to feed myself spiritually and emotionally. It helped me to get perspective on where I was in life. During this time I realized that discipleship pastoring was not going to be a career path with a job title for me; instead, I sensed God is leading me to continue in academia and serve industrial engineering students, in some way discipling and spiritually shepherding them there. I still don't have clarity on what that will look like, but I can see that God is expanding my vision and training me in this season so that I will be ready to step to do what He calls me to do when, where, and how He calls me to do it.
Then out of the blue I was approached with a professional opportunity that was a once-in-a-blue-moon kind of a thing that I would be crazy not to pursue. After a confusing situation where I ended up not getting the job, I just felt the Lord saying "trust Me; I will order your steps and open doors no man can open, and shut the ones no one can shut either." And so, I do and in the fall I began another year at the University of Arkansas teaching our industrial engineering students.
I quickly realized that teaching three classes per semester instead of one or two was no joke. I was exhausted and working harder than I can ever remember working. I felt the Lord telling me, "This is about capacity building" -- and boy, was it ever. I felt stretched and ultimately that resulted in growth. I felt the Lord repeating the word "steadfast" -- to do a good job even when it is not always appreciated, valued, or guaranteed to lead to the next step. I learned to rely on God in new and harder ways. And then, as though it were a final exam, at the end of the year I felt God asking me to go home to Ohio for a day or two at Christmas. And although I was terrified and skeptical, it was a good step and I was grateful I went. Yes, God really can be trusted -- even when He asks us to do hard, counterintuitive things; even when He strips away layers of worldly security; even when it doesn't make sense and is confusing.
In 2014, I learned so much. Like really learned it, having it travel from my head to my heart.
That God is faithful.
That His grace fills in the gaps.
That He is trustworthy.
That He is good -- really good -- and that His character is unchanging.
This year was one of growth; I can say without a doubt that I am in a better place at the end of 2014 than I was at the beginning. Not sure what 2015 has in store, but I am looking forward to it. Even if it is hard, I know that it is worth it and that these lessons are critical to learn now. God continues to develop my character so, when the time is right, He can release me into my calling. I am working hard to be a good student of these lessons.
At the beginning of the year I had no idea what I was going to do for a job beyond May, and I felt strongly impressed to wait and not actively pursue career opportunities. The prospect of staying at Arkansas was not an option -- my boss had explicitly said so. Yet in a series of not to be believed, impossible events, I ended up getting an offer to stay at Arkansas -- one with much less security and that is a hit to the ego and to the finances, but one that is well-suited to my interests and desire to interact with students. Through the chaos and uncertainty of it all, God was teaching me that He is faithful, that I could hear His voice, and that -- even if it didn't look like I expected -- that He is trustworthy and that He will provide where there is no way.
This summer was awesome in ways I can't describe. For the first time since I started working about 20 years ago, I had the summer off. It helped me to retool and recharge from a stressful semester. It provided me margin to think, to dream, to connect with friends, and to feed myself spiritually and emotionally. It helped me to get perspective on where I was in life. During this time I realized that discipleship pastoring was not going to be a career path with a job title for me; instead, I sensed God is leading me to continue in academia and serve industrial engineering students, in some way discipling and spiritually shepherding them there. I still don't have clarity on what that will look like, but I can see that God is expanding my vision and training me in this season so that I will be ready to step to do what He calls me to do when, where, and how He calls me to do it.
Then out of the blue I was approached with a professional opportunity that was a once-in-a-blue-moon kind of a thing that I would be crazy not to pursue. After a confusing situation where I ended up not getting the job, I just felt the Lord saying "trust Me; I will order your steps and open doors no man can open, and shut the ones no one can shut either." And so, I do and in the fall I began another year at the University of Arkansas teaching our industrial engineering students.
I quickly realized that teaching three classes per semester instead of one or two was no joke. I was exhausted and working harder than I can ever remember working. I felt the Lord telling me, "This is about capacity building" -- and boy, was it ever. I felt stretched and ultimately that resulted in growth. I felt the Lord repeating the word "steadfast" -- to do a good job even when it is not always appreciated, valued, or guaranteed to lead to the next step. I learned to rely on God in new and harder ways. And then, as though it were a final exam, at the end of the year I felt God asking me to go home to Ohio for a day or two at Christmas. And although I was terrified and skeptical, it was a good step and I was grateful I went. Yes, God really can be trusted -- even when He asks us to do hard, counterintuitive things; even when He strips away layers of worldly security; even when it doesn't make sense and is confusing.
In 2014, I learned so much. Like really learned it, having it travel from my head to my heart.
That God is faithful.
That His grace fills in the gaps.
That He is trustworthy.
That He is good -- really good -- and that His character is unchanging.
This year was one of growth; I can say without a doubt that I am in a better place at the end of 2014 than I was at the beginning. Not sure what 2015 has in store, but I am looking forward to it. Even if it is hard, I know that it is worth it and that these lessons are critical to learn now. God continues to develop my character so, when the time is right, He can release me into my calling. I am working hard to be a good student of these lessons.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Wrapping up a year of reading
This year, I think reading was my lifeline. It helped me to escape. It helped me to learn. It helped me to relax. It helped me when I was people-d out. In so many ways, reading (and writing) helped me this year. Reading has become a part of who I am; I am a lover of Jesus, a lover of people (but an introvert, so don't get too crazy), a friend, a learner, and a reader.
I started out wanting to read 50 books this year; about one a week. As I neared that goal early in the summer (the amazing summer without a job and full of relaxation), I realized I might be able to do 100 books in a year. With two days left in 2014, I'm calling it. The final count for the year is 117. I would never have guessed that I would have been able to read so many books, or that I would have enjoyed it so much. I would have never guessed it would have become a lifeline in a stressful and hectic season of life; a way to survive when life outside felt out of control and unbelievably stressful. But it has been so good.
Without further ado, here are the books I've read since I last updated my list (and the list before). Once again, my favorites are bolded.
I started out wanting to read 50 books this year; about one a week. As I neared that goal early in the summer (the amazing summer without a job and full of relaxation), I realized I might be able to do 100 books in a year. With two days left in 2014, I'm calling it. The final count for the year is 117. I would never have guessed that I would have been able to read so many books, or that I would have enjoyed it so much. I would have never guessed it would have become a lifeline in a stressful and hectic season of life; a way to survive when life outside felt out of control and unbelievably stressful. But it has been so good.
Without further ado, here are the books I've read since I last updated my list (and the list before). Once again, my favorites are bolded.
- Unstoppable: Running the Race you were Born to Win by Christine Caine
- The Giver by Lois Lowry
- Finding Blue by Lois Lowry
- Messenger by Lois Lowry
- Son by Lois Lowry
- I Like Giving by Brad Formosma
- The Story of Marriage by John and Lisa Bevere
- Fire and Fragrance: From the Great Commandment to the Great Commission by Sean Feucht and Andy Byrd
- Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card
- Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis
- Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis
- How I Changed my Mind about Women in Leadership: Compelling Stories from Prominent Evangelicals edited by Alan F. Johnson
- Making Vision Stick by Andy Stanley
- God’s Whisper Manifesto by Andi Cumbo
- From this Day Forward: Five Commitments to Fail-Proof Your Marriage by Craig and Amy Groeschel
- Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet: Tasting the Goodness of God in All Things by Sara Hagerty
- Speak by Nish Weiseth
- The Invisible Girls by Sarah Thebarge
- Let’s All Be Brave: Living Life with Everything You Have by Annie Downs
- God Knows my Name: Never Forgotten, Forever Loved by Beth Redman
- Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones
- A Life of Miracles by Don Schulze
- You’ll Get Through This by Max Lucado
- God is Able by Priscilla Shirer
- A Story Unfinished: 99 Days with Eliot by Matt Mooney
- Heidi by Joanna Spyri
- The Hardest Peace by Kara Tippetts
- Connected by Erin Davis
- Tables in the Wilderness by Preston Yancey
- Living Courageously: You Can Face Anything, Just Do It Afraid by Joyce Meyer
- Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
- Mended by Angie Smith
- The Beauty of Broken by Elisa Morgan
- The Millennials by Thom S. Rainer and Jess W. Rainer
- Wild: from Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed
- Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption by Laura Hillenbrand
- The Body of Christopher Creed by Carol Plum-Ucci
- Title Pending: Things I Think About when I Make Stuff by Justin McRoberts
- Eight Twenty Eight: When Love Didn’t Give Up by Larissa and Ian Murphy
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Through
This has been a tough semester. Looking through the archives, this seems to be a theme for the last several years.
My dad was arrested again, likely to serve the rest of his living days in prison. In the meantime he is on house arrest. I'm doing nearly twice the work for about half of the money. I've dealt with some of the most frustrating, challenging students and student issues I've faced since I started this job seven years ago this semester. One of my closest friends has essentially been out of the picture, dealing with his own issues; his absence hurts a lot. Last week, one of my brother's closest friends from high school and college was sentenced to six months in jail and will be branded a sex offender for the rest of his life. I'm still living in a space that's not my own, with 95% of my stuff in storage. The estrangement in our family looms large with the stuff going on with my dad and with my first nephew on the way.
On the plus side, a former roommate got married a few weeks ago and one of my dearest friends got engaged last night. And while I've been excited for them, it's hard to swing the emotional pendulum to the other side without collapsing into a puddle of tears.
It just feels like a whole lot -- and it is. But God is sustaining me, and for that I'm so grateful.
As I've walked this road this semester, God has been showing me that I've just got to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
I must resolutely fix my eyes on Jesus and walk right through the middle of valley of the shadow of death. I lean on His promises that His rod and staff will guide, comfort, and protect Me. I take Him at His word when He says that He will ultimately give me beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning. I trust that He will use this story somehow, and that He will work all things together for good -- both mine and ultimately His.
I'm not at a place where I can speak in broad platitudes or offer universally applicable advice, but if you're facing things you have no idea how you'll make it through, keep going. Walk through. God is with you, and you will make it. He will sustain you.
My dad was arrested again, likely to serve the rest of his living days in prison. In the meantime he is on house arrest. I'm doing nearly twice the work for about half of the money. I've dealt with some of the most frustrating, challenging students and student issues I've faced since I started this job seven years ago this semester. One of my closest friends has essentially been out of the picture, dealing with his own issues; his absence hurts a lot. Last week, one of my brother's closest friends from high school and college was sentenced to six months in jail and will be branded a sex offender for the rest of his life. I'm still living in a space that's not my own, with 95% of my stuff in storage. The estrangement in our family looms large with the stuff going on with my dad and with my first nephew on the way.
On the plus side, a former roommate got married a few weeks ago and one of my dearest friends got engaged last night. And while I've been excited for them, it's hard to swing the emotional pendulum to the other side without collapsing into a puddle of tears.
It just feels like a whole lot -- and it is. But God is sustaining me, and for that I'm so grateful.
As I've walked this road this semester, God has been showing me that I've just got to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
I can't pretend it's not there or ignore it.
I can't wait it out or stare it down and expect things to magically change or resolve themselves.
I can't -- at least in this set of situations -- ask for deliverance and immediate teleportation to the other side.
I can't go around.
I must go through.
I must resolutely fix my eyes on Jesus and walk right through the middle of valley of the shadow of death. I lean on His promises that His rod and staff will guide, comfort, and protect Me. I take Him at His word when He says that He will ultimately give me beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning. I trust that He will use this story somehow, and that He will work all things together for good -- both mine and ultimately His.
I'm not at a place where I can speak in broad platitudes or offer universally applicable advice, but if you're facing things you have no idea how you'll make it through, keep going. Walk through. God is with you, and you will make it. He will sustain you.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When ou walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3a
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Why Blog?
Several days ago, I posted a link to Facebook about my dad. I took it down almost immediately. "Am I just begging for attention? Would I really have these conversations with people in real life?" As I second guessed myself, I took the post down and spent a good chunk of the day and this morning thinking and wondering to myself, "Why do you have this blog at all? You realize it's public and that this is archived somewhere on the internet forever, even if you take it down, right?"
After thinking about why I blog, I came to three conclusions:
- I blog for me. I blog so I can remember how I felt during some of the highs and lows of life. I write so I can see how the hand of God has led and sustained me through both the good times and the bad. I write so that I don't forget -- how far I've come, how much things have changed, and how God has been with me through each step of the way. It's fair to say that this could be accomplished by simply keeping a private journal, but in some bizarre way knowing that a small handful of people will read this keeps me accountable to writing and recording life in a way that I wouldn't in a private journal.
- I blog because stories are important. Positions are polarizing; opinions can be discounted and written off. But people's stories -- their experiences and what they've lived though -- cannot be discounted or invalidated. I have no idea who this story will help if anyone, but here I am putting my story out there. I fail (oh man, do I fail!), but I have the courage to learn from my mistakes and keep showing up. I won't let shame or embarrassment hold me down or keep my story in the dark. I will show up -- even when it is hard -- and tell the truth. My story is a part of who I am; I cannot separate it from my reality. This is my story, and while it's hard and messy and full of mistakes, I choose to believe that in some way it matters so I will tell it.
- I blog because our greatest ministry is likely to come out of our places of our deepest hurts. I've been depressed. I've tossed out my career and my life plan. My dad has been to jail, twice. All of these experiences have grown me in the empathy department, and have helped me to relate to others in a way that I couldn't prior to me experiencing them. I write as a way for others to connect to me and get to know a bit of what's beneath the surface. I will trust the Lord with the results of that.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Musings on a Broken Dad
I think I can say without a doubt that December 24, 2002 was the worst day of my life. The year had been a tough one: finding out my dad had lived a secret life I knew nothing about for the first 21 years of my life, finding out he was arrested and ultimately sentenced to 6 months in jail, and ending up on academic probation my first semester of graduate school in part because it was hard and in part because I was so preoccupied and distracted from everything going on in my family. The whole year was a tough one -- but without a doubt, the hardest day of my life was December 24, 2002.
The sting of learning I'd be on academic probation was still fresh. The enormity of everything I'd learned about in my family's past still loomed large over me. But on Christmas Eve as I waited to see my dad in his orange jumpsuit for 15 minutes, it was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I felt the embarrassment and shame of his crime. I felt the crushing loss of innocence. I felt the loss of everything I'd felt was the truth of my childhood, knowing it was a fake veneer that covered the truth of who my dad was.
As I held his Christmas gift -- gray sweats I'd bought from Walmart, the only jail-approved alternatives to the orange jumpsuit -- in my hands that day I wondered, "What has my life become? Will it ever be normal again?"
Over time, things became more normal. My dad was released from jail and, although he never matured into an emotionally present adult, I learned to live with it. I went through counseling and spent lots of time with Jesus working to unravel and understand and make sense of my life. I eventually believed that my dad's choices truly were his own and in no way were a reflection on my past and were not leading me to an inevitable future where I would repeat his mistakes. Basically, I both came to terms with my past and realized that I could live a future that is fully aware of what had happened, yet not overshadowed or defined by it. And that was freeing.
But every few years, it feels like something rips the band aid off of the wound that has been healing in my heart for years. It stings and is a fresh reminder of the pain that is there.
This week my dad was rearrested -- this time for four felonies, not a misdemeanor. This time, there is DNA evidence linking him to the crime. This time -- if he pleads guilty and there's not a plea deal for something less serious -- we are talking years in prison, not months in jail. And that's just all really hard to process, especially given that he's already 70 and his health is not great. It's hard not to play that all out to some pretty obvious logical conclusions.
This week has been a fresh reminder of how broken my dad is and how hard all of this is. It has been a fresh reminder of how much all of this hurts when it's right in your face. At the same time, what I can say is that I am in a much better place to deal with it all this time. I am surrounded by a great group of people who are my friends and who love me unconditionally. I more fully understand that God uses ALL THINGS -- even the shitty, heartbreaking things like this -- together for His good.
This has been the hardest week I've had in 4-5 years, but God has been faithful through it all. I would appreciate your prayers for our family because this has been one hell of a week and this storm is likely to get a bit worse before it gets better. And while it is very very fragile and just a dim flicker at this point, I do hold out hope that my dad will come to understand the both weight of his issues and that he will come to know and turn his issues over to Jesus. I pray that even in his old age, he will experience some healing. Please pray for our family; we need it.
The sting of learning I'd be on academic probation was still fresh. The enormity of everything I'd learned about in my family's past still loomed large over me. But on Christmas Eve as I waited to see my dad in his orange jumpsuit for 15 minutes, it was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I felt the embarrassment and shame of his crime. I felt the crushing loss of innocence. I felt the loss of everything I'd felt was the truth of my childhood, knowing it was a fake veneer that covered the truth of who my dad was.
As I held his Christmas gift -- gray sweats I'd bought from Walmart, the only jail-approved alternatives to the orange jumpsuit -- in my hands that day I wondered, "What has my life become? Will it ever be normal again?"
Over time, things became more normal. My dad was released from jail and, although he never matured into an emotionally present adult, I learned to live with it. I went through counseling and spent lots of time with Jesus working to unravel and understand and make sense of my life. I eventually believed that my dad's choices truly were his own and in no way were a reflection on my past and were not leading me to an inevitable future where I would repeat his mistakes. Basically, I both came to terms with my past and realized that I could live a future that is fully aware of what had happened, yet not overshadowed or defined by it. And that was freeing.
But every few years, it feels like something rips the band aid off of the wound that has been healing in my heart for years. It stings and is a fresh reminder of the pain that is there.
This week my dad was rearrested -- this time for four felonies, not a misdemeanor. This time, there is DNA evidence linking him to the crime. This time -- if he pleads guilty and there's not a plea deal for something less serious -- we are talking years in prison, not months in jail. And that's just all really hard to process, especially given that he's already 70 and his health is not great. It's hard not to play that all out to some pretty obvious logical conclusions.
This week has been a fresh reminder of how broken my dad is and how hard all of this is. It has been a fresh reminder of how much all of this hurts when it's right in your face. At the same time, what I can say is that I am in a much better place to deal with it all this time. I am surrounded by a great group of people who are my friends and who love me unconditionally. I more fully understand that God uses ALL THINGS -- even the shitty, heartbreaking things like this -- together for His good.
This has been the hardest week I've had in 4-5 years, but God has been faithful through it all. I would appreciate your prayers for our family because this has been one hell of a week and this storm is likely to get a bit worse before it gets better. And while it is very very fragile and just a dim flicker at this point, I do hold out hope that my dad will come to understand the both weight of his issues and that he will come to know and turn his issues over to Jesus. I pray that even in his old age, he will experience some healing. Please pray for our family; we need it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
