Grace will lead me home

Ever have a day where you feel like gum on the bottom of a shoe?  Just low, worthless, dirty, and gross?  Yeah, for me that's how last Friday started off (but, for the record, Friday ended up being a great day in the end).

I logged onto Facebook and saw all kinds of good news.

Former students celebrating 5 year wedding anniversaries.

Friends -- most my age or younger -- with kids celebrating birthdays.

Lots of folks whose kids were finishing their last days of school.

And while I was genuinely happy for everyone, here I was, single, kidless, still a renter, having recently quit my job without another one lined up.  I felt left behind, lapped, and just plain forgotten.  Long story short, I felt a like a failure.

Even though I absolutely know I am following what the Lord has for me, it's hard to feel like my life isn't like anyone else's sometimes.  I had just come off a rough week at a professional conference.  While I had many great friends there and really do love my profession, it was hard to be asked a lot of questions that I simply do not know the answer to.  Even harder was to listen to kind, well-meaning advice that I ultimately do not feel like the Lord wants me to do.  And it's hard to not really be able to explain myself or my situation to friends and coworkers who aren't believers.

So, here I was on Friday morning feeling badly about myself and just wondering, "Do you even remember I'm here Lord?  Why doesn't my life look like anyone else's?  What in the world are you going to do with me?"  Then I got a message from my mom.

This morning as I was walking Doc, I was thanking God for His blessings. I was also thinking about and praying for you [and Katie.] Then I saw this:

She went on to explain how the Lord immediately brought to mind the verse in Amazing Grace that says

Through many dangers, toils, and snares

I have already come

'Tis grace that brought me safe thus far

And grace will lead me home.

I may be rough and beat up like this chair, but it is the Lord and His grace that has led me through the storms.  He has gotten me to this point, and I know that His is grace will be what leads me home.  So great to know that the Lord has not forgotten me -- even when I can't sense Him or see Him moving.

He is showing me that He really is in the little things, and that nothing escapes His notice -- even someone having a pity party on a Friday morning in Arkansas.  His grace will lead me home.

So...what's next?

The word is out: I am not going up for tenure.  This means I have the option to be here one more year.  Honestly, I would not be surprised if this is my last year, though.  It is crazy.  It is sad.  But following the Lord isn't always easy, and I know for sure His plan is best -- even if I don't quite know what that plan is.

One of the parts about this that is hard is explaining what I'm doing to people -- particularly unbelievers.  Why am I not going up for tenure?

It's definitely not because I am afraid.

I am not afraid of this at all.  

God's power is made perfect in my weakness.

It's not because I don't want to stay here.

There are parts of the job that I don't like, but overall I enjoy it and want to stay here.  

I love Arkansas, I love IE, I love our students.  
Most of all, I want to see God move here.

I'm not going up for tenure because this is not what God has for me.

He wants me to give this up.

And while that's a little sad and not what I thought for a long time, He has made it clear: 

you're done here; this season is finished.

Not only do my unbelieving colleagues not understand this -- that this is not what God wants me to do -- this explanation begs an obvious question: so if God doesn't want you to go up for tenure, what does He want you to do instead?

To this I have to give an honest answer: I don't really know.  Unfortunately, the answer is not clear yet.  While I've applied for one program (which I am 100% sure the Lord wanted me to apply to), I won't find out about whether I am accepted until mid-June so there's definite uncertainty.  

Though the Lord hasn't made it clear what I will be doing, He has made several things clear...

He wants me to trust Him.  

He wants me to seek Him above answers.  

He will make this clear in His timing, not in mine.

He loves me, and has my best in mind.

He cares more about my character than my job.

He will provide.

He will speak to me, and show me what to do -- when it is time.

I really do believe that the Lord has shown me that I am in for an abrupt change in careers -- one that I did not expect, one that takes me 100% by surprise, and one that will use my natural wiring and spiritual gifts, but not my PhD or industrial engineering skills.  I also think He has shown me that I will need to learn to lean on Him and trust Him in a new way for my daily bread.  He has taught me to consider it all loss -- my six figure salary, my PhD, a fancy pants job -- for the surpassing worth of knowing and serving Jesus Christ my Lord.  And while that's uncomfortable and awkward, I lean in and believe He is going to work this together for my good, and He has a tremendous plan to use my life for His glory.  I will be excited to see what it is.  And, believe it or not, I am even getting excited to walk in it rather than being apprehensive or skeptical or afraid.

Game on.  Time to go all in.

Giving it all up

In the last few weeks, my life has changed like I never really thought it would.  I have been in graduate school pursuing a tenure track job or, after actually having the job, pursuing tenure for the last 11 years.  In the last month, my life has taken a hard left -- one that I didn't see coming, one that I didn't plan on or even think I wanted.

I am stepping off the tenure track and into an unknown future.  God is asking me to follow Him, and I am.

A few weeks ago, I felt God telling me to leave the profession of industrial engineering entirely.  

The profession I love.

The profession I've been learning about and/or teaching about for 15 years, nearly 50% of my life.

The only "real" job I've ever had.

God said to give it up.

I gulped hard and said -- "If you want me to, sure.  I want to follow you."

Over the course of the week, I felt like he was whispering to me saying, "I just wondered if you were willing."  I felt like I had a reprieve and that I could stay in industrial engineering.

But then, He called me to give up my job.  To give up my dream.  To take a paycut, and follow Him into an unknown future without a guaranteed job or security.  To leave the students and coworkers I've been praying for and investing in for six years.  And that is when it got hard.

To say, "Where you go I'll go!" is one thing.

To do it is something else.  And that involves risk, and a bit of trepidation. 

And if you loved what you've done, it involves sadness and grief.  But following God and walking in the path He has prepared for me is where the life is, and so it is where I choose to walk.

I have a job for 2013.  I don't anticipate knowing what I will do for awhile.  A sage friend told me to seek God above the answers, so that is what I am doing.  Wandering, seeking, and processing what has happened.

And at the core, this involves a gut-level trust that God's plan is better than my own and that He wants to get me where He wants me to go even worse than I want to get there.  Here's to what lies ahead--whatever that is.

God sent His son...here?

The news of the Sandy Hook massacre has hit me hard, as it has our entire country. This weekend was hard, and I spent a good chunk of it crying and asking God, "Why?" Every Christmas carol took on new meaning in light of this tragedy.

Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay 

Close by me forever, and love me, I pray; 

Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care, 

And fit us for Heaven to live with Thee there. 

The thought of God sending His son to die a painful, embarrassing, emotionally taxing death in our stead is unfathomable enough.  But this morning, collecting myself as I wiped the tears from my eyes and read about parents struggling to put their kids on busses and drop them off at day care centers, the Christmas story hit me from an entirely new angle.   Not only did God know what ultimately awaited His son, He sent Jesus to spend 33 years in this fallen world.  Our world of Sandy Hook and Columbine.  The world of the Holocaust and the Crusades.  Our world of Darfur and Rwanda and Gaza.  God sent His Son here, to live among us fallen and spiteful and mean people.

He knew Jesus would be bullied. 

He knew Jesus would hang out with and ultimately die for the Adam Lanzas and Jared Loughners of the day. 

He knew what hatred Jesus would see and experience.

God knew. 
And He sent His son anyway. 

So today, as we send our kids to schools we know can be unsafe, I remember that we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15).  God the Father knows how each parent who struggled to drop off kids this morning feels.  After all, He did a very similar thing for us 2000 years ago when He sent His Son Jesus to this Earth.

And this leaves me speechless, and I'm not even a parent.

Thank you. The words seem so inadequate -- and they are -- but they are all I have.  Gratitude and a life offered in submission to Jesus Christ.

Spiritual Warfare

Big things are happening.  Huge, actually.  It is crazy.

As big things are happening, I expect the spiritual warfare to pick up dramatically.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ~Ephesians 6:12

Satan is not happy that we have at least 10 new brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus, just this last week.  But we have authority over him.  Not only that, we do not even need to be afraid of him!

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.  For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love ~ 1 John 4:18

Do not be afraid, for you will not be put to shame!

Do not be intimidated, for you will not be humiliated!

You will forget about the shame you experienced in your youth;

you will no longer remember the disgrace of your abandonment ~ Isaiah 54:4

No weapon forged to be used against you will succeed;

you will refute everyone who tries to accuse you.

This is what the lord will do for his servants --

I will vidicate them, says the LORD ~Isaiah 54:17

I repeat, be strong and brave!  Don't be afraid and don't panic,

for I, the Lord your God, am with you in all that you do. ~ Joshua 1:9

As this movement spreads and gains momentum, please pray against the attacks of the enemy. 

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one in the world. ~ 1 John 4:4

Pray also for unity and likemindedness among the workers.

I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought. ~1 Corinthians 1:10

God is able.  God is willing.  Why not ask him for help?  Expecting HUGE things.

If my people who are called by my name will pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear their voice from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. ~ 2 Chronicles 7:14

Big  HUGE things update

• Last week 10 students accepted Christ through Cru alone.  I am still on a high from that.

• Our church has 200 seats.  Second service, there were 272 people.  Altogether across three services, there were about 650 people (3 services, 200 chairs/service -- you do the math).  I am asking God to stir the hearts of all who were there to reach out to their individual spheres of influence to win people to Christ.

• Two students contacted me about three different faculty members that they had been praying for. I am believing God for a harvest among my colleagues.

• One of the most difficult folks I work with has a student who has committed to praying for him/her.  This student is in the inner circle with said colleague, which is by no means insignificant.

• I had a student reach out to me for help, telling me he struggled with alcohol and wanted to start going to church.  Wow.

• I have been praying about a ministry for graduate students for awhile now.  There is just a HUGE hole when it comes to reaching this incredibly unique, unministered to, strategic group on campus.  Last night things lined up to start a Bible study for graduate students.  Awesome!

Ten

Ten lives have been changed this week.

Ten students have accepted Christ.  

In one week.  

Through one ministry.  

On one campus.

I prayed for 10.  The organization's goal for the year was 50.  Last fall semester, there were 14 and that was a success.

This week -- one week -- there were 10.

Some people dismiss numbers -- but behind each number is a person, and a story and a life.  Please pray for each of our new brothers and sisters in Christ.  He who starts a good work is faithful to complete it (Phillipians 1:6).  We can rest in this promise.

Now praying for the tidal wave to spread.  Across organizations.  Across campus.  Across the SEC.  Across the country.  To the nations.

I am expecting big things.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen.  ~ Ephesians 3:20-21

Acts

Yesterday, we had our first department prayer meeting -- basically, 2 staff members, me and 6 students all gathered to pray for big things we were believing God for.  It was awesome -- to reconnect with some students I already knew, to meet new students, and to hear what God is teaching them and what He's asking each of them to do.  It was so encouraging.  God is moving not only on campus in general, but in industrial engineering in particular.

Leading up to the meeting, I felt impressed that I should read Acts.  So I started it.

Man, Acts is intense!  God was really moving in that book.  It was incredible -- Pentecost, incredible healings, intense community, boldness in sharing the Gospel, intense persecution, blue collar men wowing judges with their ability to be great orators.  God was obviously behind it all.

It got me thinking.  Why are we settling for what we have now?  We are told

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. ~ Hebrews 13:8

Jesus gave His disciples all His authority to cast out demons and heal people (Matthew 10).  Jesus says all authority is His, and He will be with us until the end of the age -- that we should use that power to go make disciples (Matthew 28:18-20).  God says He has made us complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10).  Basically, God has given us the Holy Spirit's dunamis -- His miraculous power.  Why don't we use it?  Why do we pretend like it doesn't exist anymore?

As I was reading the first part of Acts, the following two passages just jumped off the page and into my spirit.

When the people heard [the Gospel], they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, "Brothers, what shall we do?" ~ Acts 2:37

Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. ~ Acts 4:29.

I am praying that these things become a reality at the U of A.  I going to continue reading Acts, and praying for things that the early church experienced to be a reality in our movement at the U of A also.  It is fueling me to see what it could really look like if an entire group of people rose up and banded together for a common cause: the Gospel.  It is starting to happen already, and I believe it will continue to happen here at the University of Arkansas.  I am also praying this for my youth group girls and for my specific niches at U of A (my class, and my department).  I keep asking God not to let my view of what "big things" are be too limited.  He is the God of the impossible!!  Praying for an Acts 2.0 to happen on our campus.

Big things update -- Please continue to join us asking for God to move on campus and in NWA.  Here are some updates.

• Our prayer meeting yesterday was awesome.  There were 10 of us, and there are some really big things we are believing God for together -- specific people, the entire sophomore class in IE, pivotal leaders, students' careers.  It is exciting.  We are praying for each other.  God will answer us.
• As of yesterday, again just through Cru, there have been 9 students since school started that have accepted Christ.  I am praying for the tenth to happen today.  I believe she will come.  Please pray for her, whoever she is, whereever on campus she is, whatever she is struggling with.
• StuMo, one of the other big student ministries on campus, had about 700-800 students in their weekly meeting this week.   When we put the numbers of Cru and StuMo together, we see significant impact -- between 5-10% of undergraduates attended one meeting or the other.  That is incredible.  Praying for them to get involved in community there and to recruit others who do not know Christ.