You're going to land on your feet

A colleague had come to Arkansas for a visit.  We are professional acquaintances, and he is a really nice guy -- but I wouldn't say he is a friend, and I have no reason to believe that the guy is a believer or has the same kind of worldview I do.  We have served together in professional society and gotten to know each other a little bit at conferences -- but that's honestly the extent of our relationship.

On the day in question, J sat across from me in my office at work.  He'd heard through the grapevine I was leaving Arkansas, and he wanted to talk more about why I was quitting my job and what was next for me professionally.  While I didn't straight up Jesus Juke the guy, the reality is that clear direction from God IS the reason I am quitting my job.  Consequently I don't avoid or gloss over this when I tell people about my decision to leave my job and perhaps academia altogether.

It's always a risk.  It's always uncomfortable.  I always feel a little awkward talking about it, particularly when I don't know people's spiritual background or have credibility built up with them.  I just try to follow the Spirit's leading and trust Him with my words.

Anyway, as I talked to my colleague, he shared with me his own disillusionment about certain aspects of academia.  Surprisingly, my decision to step off the tenure track into an unknown future has allowed me to have many significant conversations like this with colleagues.  They've told me things I've only talked with about my closest academic friends about.  They've been candid and honest and admired my bravery to basically say, "Stop.  Enough.  I'm sick of this."  And they look at me a little wistfully.

And then I think to myself -- and sometimes even say, "But that's not why I am leaving.  I'm not sick of this.  In fact, there are parts of this job that I love and that I think can make a huge difference.  I am leaving because God is clearly telling me to."

So as the conversation continued to unfold, I told J of my plans -- basically that I didn't have any.  He was a little flummoxed, and continued to ask me more questions.  After about half an hour of Q&A and discussion about what lay ahead, J left me with parting words I haven't forgotten.    As he left my office and told me how nice it was to see me and shook my hand, J reassured me saying, "Sarah, I just really have a good feeling you're going to land on your feet."

And, as I flail through the air without a living situation lined up or car to drive or any plan of employment after this school year, I remember that.

I WILL land on my feet.
He will work all things together for my good.

In the meantime, I am just grateful that God gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.

Character building

For the couple months, I have felt God telling me, "I don't care about your job.  I don't care about your earning potential.  I care about your character."

And, in my infinite wisdom, I figured that I probably knew what that meant: that I would leave my current job with a generous salary and benefits for a formalized leadership and character development program with a zero figure salary and no benefits.

But then, I didn't get accepted to the program I had applied for.

And then a couple days later the living situation that just sounded so right and so God-orchestraed fell through, leaving me without a plan for when our lease ends at the end of the month.

And then yesterday I got into an accident and messed up my car past the point that it is drivable.

So yeah, I have basically no idea what's going on with my life or where it's headed.  Anything I feel like I have figured by myself or tried lately has proven to be wrong or hasn't panned out.  Not a great feeling, really.

God had been prompting me to pray for patience.  I have done so with great reluctance because I've heard what happens when you pray for patience: that you are stuck in situations that build patience.  Those tend to be unpleasant situations that, given the choice, you'd rather avoid.

Check - it's been a hell of a week.

But, despite the crazy turn of events, I know God is with me in these situations.  He has not left me alone: I have a tremendous support network of friends who have given me rides and offered me a place to stay if I need it.  He kept me safe during the car accident, and the people in the other car too.  I have material resources so I can find a place to live or get a new car if I need to.  I have a job so I can support myself; one that I love and that I think has the potential for God to use me to make a difference.

But most of all, I have a God who loves me and is with me, watching over all of this.

He tells me He is not unable to sympathize with our weaknesses and the crap life doles out sometimes. (Hebrews 4:15) 

He tells us He will never leave us or forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5)

He tells us that He is groaning in prayer on behalf of us. (Romans 8:26)

He tells us that He has overcome the world, and all the associated adversity. (John 16:33).

He promises that he will wipe every tear from our eye, and eventually the pain and death in this broken world will stop. (Revelation 21:4)

And most of all He tells us -- and me personally -- that He is enough and that His grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9).  And I just need to be patient and trust that.  I'm learning how; He is teaching me and building my character, slowly but surely.

My Life Plan: To Follow Jesus. Period.

As part of a conversation I was having the other day, someone asked me, "What comes after [the program I've applied for] if you get in?"  I paused for a second, and told the truth: "I have no idea."

I am 33, about to turn 34.  I've been in school for 22 years.  I've been spending an additional six years working towards tenure in an academic career, something I feel beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was supposed to pursue.

But as certain as I am that I was supposed to pursue an academic career and live in Fayetteville, I feel with equal certainty that God is calling me into unknown territory and not go up for tenure after all.

I'll be honest; it's all very confusing.  Nowadays I feel like I am on a "need to know" basis with God; He tells me just enough to take a single step of faith.  After I step out and take that step of faith, I sit there and wait for the next step to be revealed.  And in moments of doubt, I can own up to thinking "OMG #@$#@$@#$ is going on?!?!  Why am I doing this?!?!  These decisions make no sense!!"

It's not like this season is comfortable, but I know in my heart and in my spirit that it is good and that this is the right thing.  He is refining me and teaching me what it really means to BE STILL and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).  It's not how I'm wired, but it is good to be learning.  I know it will ultimately lead to fruit and will refine me further.

So here I am.  I am 33.  I have several letters after my name, but I don't have many of the things people my age do -- a house, a husband, kids, etc.  Most unsettling to me, I don't even feel like I have a life plan anymore!

I feel like God is telling me to abandon my career.

I feel like God is preparing me to move away from a place that I've put down roots and where made deep friendships.  It's a place that I love.

I feel like God is asking me to step away from a life where I feel like He is allowing me to make a difference in the lives of students.

And just when I feel like, "I cannot do this.  This is too hard.  I'd rather stick to MY life plan.  Remember those days when I had a life plan?!?" the Lord reminds me that I am, in fact, not without a life plan at all.  He has it all planned out and orchestrated.  It will work out for my good.  My plan just needs to be to follow Him.  Paradoxically, it is incredibly simple and amazingly hard.  It doesn't feel like much of a "plan" to be waiting and listening -- but honestly, can you think of a better life plan than to walk in the very path that the Creator of the universe has uniquely prepared for you?  This causes me to breathe a little easier.

God has been gracious to remind me over and over that the notion of an "easy" life following Him is faulty and probably more of an American idea than a Jesus idea.  Following Him involves risk and sacrifice.  And so here I am, at 33 learning that following Jesus is enough.  I do not need one other single thing -- I don't need a house, a spouse, a savings account, a retirement plan, health insurance, a place to live come August 1, or even a life plan.   I only need Him.  I would have said I knew that before, but I am learning it in a much more tangible way now.

Life out in the Desert

It's been about four months since all of this craziness ensued -- deciding whether or not to go up for tenure, ultimately discerning that the Lord was leading me in another direction, trying to figure out what direction He was leading me, applying for an opportunity, and waiting.

And waiting.

There has been lots of waiting.  I don't know how the Israelites did this for 40 years.  I don't know how the woman with the issue of blood dealt with it for 12 years.  I've been here for only four months, and I'm ready for some answers and to get a move on, please.  A nice American attitude I've learned.

Since I've decided I'm not going up for tenure, I've applied only for one opportunity -- a character and leadership development program at a church.  The Lord told me with crystal clarity that I needed to apply for it.  He confirmed it time and again after I submitted my application.  I have essentially operated under the assumption that this is what He has next for me, and have been living my life accordingly -- but without any concrete evidence like an offer that this opportunity would pan out or actually happen.

I thought that I'd get some answers last Friday about whether or not I've been accepted to the program I've applied for.  Friday came and went by with nary a peep.  And Saturday.  And Sunday.  And Monday.  And most of Tuesday.

Tuesday afternoon/evening I got a request for a followup phone call.  Some of the decision makers wanted more information about my situation, my story, and -- I think -- my attitude and outlook on all of this.

And you know what?  After several days of constantly battling anxiety, frustration about missed deadlines and wondering what would happen if this wasn't next next, this conversation put me at peace.  It was a candid conversation with honesty and openness on both sides.  Serious and challenging questions that didn't have clean, easy answers were posed.  I believe the Lord gave me grace to answer honestly and respectfully.  I was very, very impressed with the way things were handled by those doing the question-asking.

I emerged from the conversation reassured of several things.

God is in control of my life.  I was created by Him and He has prepared good works for me to do in advance.  Whether it's this program or not, He has a plan for my life.  Yes, He is asking me out of the boat and to step on the water toward Him in faith by quitting my job without a plan in place of what's next.  Yes, He told me to run toward this opportunity -- but maybe it was about trusting Him and not this opportunity in particular being what's next in the plan.

I still hope to be accepted to this program I've applied to.  My conversation with the leader of the program had this paradoxical effect of making me want to learn from these people even more, and completely setting my mind at ease that if I am not accepted, that it is the right decision.

I have been told I will probably hear today.  I hope the answer is that, yes, I am accepted to the program.  I really, really want to be a part of this program, what the Lord is doing in a city that I love, and I want to learn from and be friends with the people in the program.  But if the answer is no, I know that this is not the plan God has for me.  I have peace that God's plan is something different.

And if I don't hear today, I can accept that as well.

God is sovereign over life everywhere -- even in the desert when we are wandering, waiting, and listening for His voice.  I want to trust Him everywhere.  No one likes the desert, but you sure do learn a lot out here.

EDITED TO ADD - The day I wrote this came and went and now it's Saturday.  I think the church takes Monday off since they work on Sundays -- so looks like I won't hear until at least Tuesday.  And while it's not what I had hoped or planned for, that is ok.

Grace will lead me home

Ever have a day where you feel like gum on the bottom of a shoe?  Just low, worthless, dirty, and gross?  Yeah, for me that's how last Friday started off (but, for the record, Friday ended up being a great day in the end).

I logged onto Facebook and saw all kinds of good news.

Former students celebrating 5 year wedding anniversaries.

Friends -- most my age or younger -- with kids celebrating birthdays.

Lots of folks whose kids were finishing their last days of school.

And while I was genuinely happy for everyone, here I was, single, kidless, still a renter, having recently quit my job without another one lined up.  I felt left behind, lapped, and just plain forgotten.  Long story short, I felt a like a failure.

Even though I absolutely know I am following what the Lord has for me, it's hard to feel like my life isn't like anyone else's sometimes.  I had just come off a rough week at a professional conference.  While I had many great friends there and really do love my profession, it was hard to be asked a lot of questions that I simply do not know the answer to.  Even harder was to listen to kind, well-meaning advice that I ultimately do not feel like the Lord wants me to do.  And it's hard to not really be able to explain myself or my situation to friends and coworkers who aren't believers.

So, here I was on Friday morning feeling badly about myself and just wondering, "Do you even remember I'm here Lord?  Why doesn't my life look like anyone else's?  What in the world are you going to do with me?"  Then I got a message from my mom.

This morning as I was walking Doc, I was thanking God for His blessings. I was also thinking about and praying for you [and Katie.] Then I saw this:

She went on to explain how the Lord immediately brought to mind the verse in Amazing Grace that says

Through many dangers, toils, and snares

I have already come

'Tis grace that brought me safe thus far

And grace will lead me home.

I may be rough and beat up like this chair, but it is the Lord and His grace that has led me through the storms.  He has gotten me to this point, and I know that His is grace will be what leads me home.  So great to know that the Lord has not forgotten me -- even when I can't sense Him or see Him moving.

He is showing me that He really is in the little things, and that nothing escapes His notice -- even someone having a pity party on a Friday morning in Arkansas.  His grace will lead me home.

So...what's next?

The word is out: I am not going up for tenure.  This means I have the option to be here one more year.  Honestly, I would not be surprised if this is my last year, though.  It is crazy.  It is sad.  But following the Lord isn't always easy, and I know for sure His plan is best -- even if I don't quite know what that plan is.

One of the parts about this that is hard is explaining what I'm doing to people -- particularly unbelievers.  Why am I not going up for tenure?

It's definitely not because I am afraid.

I am not afraid of this at all.  

God's power is made perfect in my weakness.

It's not because I don't want to stay here.

There are parts of the job that I don't like, but overall I enjoy it and want to stay here.  

I love Arkansas, I love IE, I love our students.  
Most of all, I want to see God move here.

I'm not going up for tenure because this is not what God has for me.

He wants me to give this up.

And while that's a little sad and not what I thought for a long time, He has made it clear: 

you're done here; this season is finished.

Not only do my unbelieving colleagues not understand this -- that this is not what God wants me to do -- this explanation begs an obvious question: so if God doesn't want you to go up for tenure, what does He want you to do instead?

To this I have to give an honest answer: I don't really know.  Unfortunately, the answer is not clear yet.  While I've applied for one program (which I am 100% sure the Lord wanted me to apply to), I won't find out about whether I am accepted until mid-June so there's definite uncertainty.  

Though the Lord hasn't made it clear what I will be doing, He has made several things clear...

He wants me to trust Him.  

He wants me to seek Him above answers.  

He will make this clear in His timing, not in mine.

He loves me, and has my best in mind.

He cares more about my character than my job.

He will provide.

He will speak to me, and show me what to do -- when it is time.

I really do believe that the Lord has shown me that I am in for an abrupt change in careers -- one that I did not expect, one that takes me 100% by surprise, and one that will use my natural wiring and spiritual gifts, but not my PhD or industrial engineering skills.  I also think He has shown me that I will need to learn to lean on Him and trust Him in a new way for my daily bread.  He has taught me to consider it all loss -- my six figure salary, my PhD, a fancy pants job -- for the surpassing worth of knowing and serving Jesus Christ my Lord.  And while that's uncomfortable and awkward, I lean in and believe He is going to work this together for my good, and He has a tremendous plan to use my life for His glory.  I will be excited to see what it is.  And, believe it or not, I am even getting excited to walk in it rather than being apprehensive or skeptical or afraid.

Game on.  Time to go all in.

Giving it all up

In the last few weeks, my life has changed like I never really thought it would.  I have been in graduate school pursuing a tenure track job or, after actually having the job, pursuing tenure for the last 11 years.  In the last month, my life has taken a hard left -- one that I didn't see coming, one that I didn't plan on or even think I wanted.

I am stepping off the tenure track and into an unknown future.  God is asking me to follow Him, and I am.

A few weeks ago, I felt God telling me to leave the profession of industrial engineering entirely.  

The profession I love.

The profession I've been learning about and/or teaching about for 15 years, nearly 50% of my life.

The only "real" job I've ever had.

God said to give it up.

I gulped hard and said -- "If you want me to, sure.  I want to follow you."

Over the course of the week, I felt like he was whispering to me saying, "I just wondered if you were willing."  I felt like I had a reprieve and that I could stay in industrial engineering.

But then, He called me to give up my job.  To give up my dream.  To take a paycut, and follow Him into an unknown future without a guaranteed job or security.  To leave the students and coworkers I've been praying for and investing in for six years.  And that is when it got hard.

To say, "Where you go I'll go!" is one thing.

To do it is something else.  And that involves risk, and a bit of trepidation. 

And if you loved what you've done, it involves sadness and grief.  But following God and walking in the path He has prepared for me is where the life is, and so it is where I choose to walk.

I have a job for 2013.  I don't anticipate knowing what I will do for awhile.  A sage friend told me to seek God above the answers, so that is what I am doing.  Wandering, seeking, and processing what has happened.

And at the core, this involves a gut-level trust that God's plan is better than my own and that He wants to get me where He wants me to go even worse than I want to get there.  Here's to what lies ahead--whatever that is.