I wrote earlier this year about how I felt like the Lord wanted me to focus on TRUST in 2014 -- trusting Him more, and viewing everything through that lens. While I wasn't sure exactly what I was supposed to trust Him with, I felt like it probably had to do with my job, career, and vocational future.
Certainly, in some ways that has been part of what it's been about -- having a new boss all of a sudden, being asked to stay in a modified version of my current role instead of making a huge vocational transition like I'd felt like God was leading me to, and just having one year of a plan (and not even having that be official yet). Now while in some respect that's been crazy, in many other respects that's been just the beginning.
I entered the year with four solid single girl friends; two are now engaged and it would not surprise me at all if the other two are by the end of the year. This leaves me as the only single post-college person in my social circle. And while there have been hard moments, God has been clear: TRUST ME. Trust me with the timing and my provision of a spouse for you.
This has also been a year of transitions when it's come to my friendships. One of my friendships crumbled which was tough and uncomfortable. Another friendship took an unexpectedly serious, deep turn -- which was surprising and while it happened a bit scary (but is now ultimately good). One of my best friends is moving to India for most of the rest of the year. Again, the Lord has asked me to trust Him, to believe that His plans are good, and to trust that He will provide.
I've also continued to live with a generous family in my community group -- and while they've been great and super generous, it's been weird to be 34, sharing a bathroom with two teenagers, and living with most of my stuff in storage in a spare bedroom. But God says, TRUST ME so I am and believing that I will find the right roommate, housing situation, or place to buy in His timing.
What I know is that God is faithful and that nothing catches Him by surprise. What I know is that He has a plan and purpose in each of these situations. He is developing my character, and time spent learning to trust Him is well spent. May I be a good student of these lessons now, and a good steward and teacher of these lessons in the future.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
The day I told my ex-boss about the Great Commission
Life's been crazy with all the transition that is going on in and around the department where I work. Because it looks as though we will be extremely short-staffed for the upcoming year, I've been offered the opportunity to stay and teach for one year. There was some uncertainty there for awhile, but it looks like it's going to really happen.
Crazy.
Today, my ex-boss -- newly promoted to a higher position -- and I had lunch. While part of the conversations turned to the whens and whats and how muchs of what I would be doing, my ex-boss Kim was very concerned about what would happen next and what my plans were beyond teaching in our department for a year.
The real answer is that I've basically chucked any (faulty) notion of a life plan that I used to have, and that I'm willing to do anything that the Lord wants me to do. I feel like the Lord is calling me to the area of discipleship, but I'm not sure what that looks like vocationally and how that would play out. And while I had prayed a lot in advance about this meeting, I wasn't quite sure how to say all of this in an honest yet understandable and credible way to my non-believing ex-boss.
To my surprise, I explained to her that I believe that God still speaks to people and that He was probably going to have me to something with discipleship. I explained that I felt like He had given me a passion to help people learn about Jesus, and become followers of Him. I explained that I was interested in helping Christian students learn how to become followers of Jesus and navigate the transition from Christian-in-college-with-so-much-time-and-friends-and-Jesus to all-by-myself-working-professionals-who-still-follow-Jesus. I explained that the last thing Jesus said before He left earth is that we are supposed to help people learn to follow Jesus and become disciples of Him. Yes, I basically explained the Great Commission during lunch to my non-believing ex-boss.
I couldn't believe it. I sort of still can't. Yet she seemed interested and engaged, and to receive it well.
One of my favorite verses in Acts (4:29) is when the believers pray, "Consider their threats, and enable your servants to speak with great boldness." It's like I had my own 2014 Holy Spirit filled version of this transpire right in the middle of my favorite grilled cheese restaurant.
I expectantly believe that my conversation with Kim went exactly as it was supposed to. I am believing that the Holy Spirit will use the words He gave me to at least plant a seed. I want to be somewhere in the "I planted, Apollos watered" chain, and to be faithful to exactly what the Lord wanted me to say. I am trusting that God will be the one to bring the increase. After all, only He can do it, and He is well able. May He alone receive the glory.
Crazy.
Today, my ex-boss -- newly promoted to a higher position -- and I had lunch. While part of the conversations turned to the whens and whats and how muchs of what I would be doing, my ex-boss Kim was very concerned about what would happen next and what my plans were beyond teaching in our department for a year.
The real answer is that I've basically chucked any (faulty) notion of a life plan that I used to have, and that I'm willing to do anything that the Lord wants me to do. I feel like the Lord is calling me to the area of discipleship, but I'm not sure what that looks like vocationally and how that would play out. And while I had prayed a lot in advance about this meeting, I wasn't quite sure how to say all of this in an honest yet understandable and credible way to my non-believing ex-boss.
To my surprise, I explained to her that I believe that God still speaks to people and that He was probably going to have me to something with discipleship. I explained that I felt like He had given me a passion to help people learn about Jesus, and become followers of Him. I explained that I was interested in helping Christian students learn how to become followers of Jesus and navigate the transition from Christian-in-college-with-so-much-time-and-friends-and-Jesus to all-by-myself-working-professionals-who-still-follow-Jesus. I explained that the last thing Jesus said before He left earth is that we are supposed to help people learn to follow Jesus and become disciples of Him. Yes, I basically explained the Great Commission during lunch to my non-believing ex-boss.
I couldn't believe it. I sort of still can't. Yet she seemed interested and engaged, and to receive it well.
One of my favorite verses in Acts (4:29) is when the believers pray, "Consider their threats, and enable your servants to speak with great boldness." It's like I had my own 2014 Holy Spirit filled version of this transpire right in the middle of my favorite grilled cheese restaurant.
I expectantly believe that my conversation with Kim went exactly as it was supposed to. I am believing that the Holy Spirit will use the words He gave me to at least plant a seed. I want to be somewhere in the "I planted, Apollos watered" chain, and to be faithful to exactly what the Lord wanted me to say. I am trusting that God will be the one to bring the increase. After all, only He can do it, and He is well able. May He alone receive the glory.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
And then, it got crazier.
Yesterday we got an e-mail at 4:30 PM from my boss' boss.
"Please come to this meeting at 8:30 AM tomorrow. I am traveling, so I can't join you in person but I will dial in to meet with you you. If you can't join us in person, please call in to our conference."
Urgent news, no hint what the meeting was about? Cryptic. Strange. Flipping through the mental roladex of ideas about what the meeting could possibly be about, I came up empty. No idea.
This morning I found out that effective immediately, my boss was no longer my boss. She has been tapped to be an interim dean*. Wow. Alrighty then. This boss -- the one who unofficially offered me the opportunity to stay on again next year, the one who has been so supportive and helpful during my career here -- may or may not be coming back to serve in her current capacity.
I have no idea where this leaves me for next year. I have no idea what will happen from here. I keep thinking that this year has been the craziest year ever and that there is no way that we can work with even more of a skeleton crew; there are no more curve balls that can possibly be thrown.
Wrong. With less than a month remaining in the semester, the events in our department take another unexpected turn. We had 17 faculty members last year. Now we've lost a sixth (not to mention a seventh is out on maternity leave).
This. is. crazy.
Will I be extended another offer? Who knows. I keep reminding myself, "This does not catch the Lord by surprise. He knew this, and will sustain me. I can trust Him with my future. He has a good plan for my life." But seriously, this is cray cray.
*It is a promotion and I am happy for her. She will be good at the job, and is well-deserving of the recognition.
"Please come to this meeting at 8:30 AM tomorrow. I am traveling, so I can't join you in person but I will dial in to meet with you you. If you can't join us in person, please call in to our conference."
Urgent news, no hint what the meeting was about? Cryptic. Strange. Flipping through the mental roladex of ideas about what the meeting could possibly be about, I came up empty. No idea.
This morning I found out that effective immediately, my boss was no longer my boss. She has been tapped to be an interim dean*. Wow. Alrighty then. This boss -- the one who unofficially offered me the opportunity to stay on again next year, the one who has been so supportive and helpful during my career here -- may or may not be coming back to serve in her current capacity.
I have no idea where this leaves me for next year. I have no idea what will happen from here. I keep thinking that this year has been the craziest year ever and that there is no way that we can work with even more of a skeleton crew; there are no more curve balls that can possibly be thrown.
Wrong. With less than a month remaining in the semester, the events in our department take another unexpected turn. We had 17 faculty members last year. Now we've lost a sixth (not to mention a seventh is out on maternity leave).
This. is. crazy.
Will I be extended another offer? Who knows. I keep reminding myself, "This does not catch the Lord by surprise. He knew this, and will sustain me. I can trust Him with my future. He has a good plan for my life." But seriously, this is cray cray.
*It is a promotion and I am happy for her. She will be good at the job, and is well-deserving of the recognition.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Crazy Developments
There's a lot of life that I don't talk about on this blog for lots of reasons -- to protect the privacy of those involved in my life who don't want to be blogged about, because nothing is certain and therefore blogging about it is premature, because this blog isn't private, and so on. There are all kinds of reasons not to write about all kinds of things. As a result, there are lots of things that aren't documented on this blog.
One of those things (I think) is the fact that in the middle of this year, I was recruited to join staff with Cru, a college ministry. While I was initially thinking that I would not apply to join staff, to my great surprise when I prayed about it I felt the Lord leading me to apply. So that was the plan. I lined up my references and looked over the application.
Because of the stuff with the Protege Program (i.e., feeling unmistakably led to apply, but ultimately not being accepted into the program), I was careful not to emotionally overcommit to the idea. While I knew the next step of the process was to apply, I was not sure if the Lord would ultimately lead me to join staff or not. Through the process, I was forced to face and deal with some habitual and generational sin, and admit that money had become an idol to me. It was not easy or pretty, but in the end it was good.
But then, in a series of events that probably isn't bloggable yet is not-to-be-believed and crazy improbable, I have been approached to stay on at the U of A in a job that is better suited to my strengths than even my current one, where I don't have to raise my own support to work here, and that will allow me to continue to invest in the lives of college students. I am floored. I am shocked. This truly is beyond belief.
Though nothing is yet official, I believe that the next step will be to be here for a year. I can't believe it. Literally. I really can't.
On the one hand it's absolutely crazy that after all of this fuss and hullabaloo, I will be doing -- to the untrained eye -- more or less the same thing. On the other hand, this is so improbable, so unlikely, and so humanly impossible that I absolutely cannot ignore that the hand of God is in this.
I feel like the Holy Spirit is telling me that in most every way I am about to embark on a new chapter. I am excited to see what lies ahead. It is both exciting and a little wild to think about. To what lies ahead -- whatever that is. Here we go!
One of those things (I think) is the fact that in the middle of this year, I was recruited to join staff with Cru, a college ministry. While I was initially thinking that I would not apply to join staff, to my great surprise when I prayed about it I felt the Lord leading me to apply. So that was the plan. I lined up my references and looked over the application.
Because of the stuff with the Protege Program (i.e., feeling unmistakably led to apply, but ultimately not being accepted into the program), I was careful not to emotionally overcommit to the idea. While I knew the next step of the process was to apply, I was not sure if the Lord would ultimately lead me to join staff or not. Through the process, I was forced to face and deal with some habitual and generational sin, and admit that money had become an idol to me. It was not easy or pretty, but in the end it was good.
But then, in a series of events that probably isn't bloggable yet is not-to-be-believed and crazy improbable, I have been approached to stay on at the U of A in a job that is better suited to my strengths than even my current one, where I don't have to raise my own support to work here, and that will allow me to continue to invest in the lives of college students. I am floored. I am shocked. This truly is beyond belief.
Though nothing is yet official, I believe that the next step will be to be here for a year. I can't believe it. Literally. I really can't.
On the one hand it's absolutely crazy that after all of this fuss and hullabaloo, I will be doing -- to the untrained eye -- more or less the same thing. On the other hand, this is so improbable, so unlikely, and so humanly impossible that I absolutely cannot ignore that the hand of God is in this.
I feel like the Holy Spirit is telling me that in most every way I am about to embark on a new chapter. I am excited to see what lies ahead. It is both exciting and a little wild to think about. To what lies ahead -- whatever that is. Here we go!
Monday, March 17, 2014
Sad sad sad
Life is just crazy, and things have been an emotional roller coaster these days -- things at work, things at home, things in my personal life. Everything seems like it's up in the air or hard or sad.
Coworkers having biopsies.
No news on what comes next for me professionally or vocationally.
Students with advanced cancer struggling personally and financially.
An emotionally absent father who just turned 70 and still acts like he's five.
Still living with a family and not having a home of my own to invite people to or cook in.
Assuming extra jobs at work because we are so short staffed and having to take things day by day (even though I feel like the things I do are not valued or appreciated, or helpful to me personally or professionally).
Looming unemployment, bringing with it the end of health insurance, retirement contribution, and a sense of structure to my days.
The loss of a close friendship that still stings (and if I'm honest, sometimes makes me mad).
Students losing parents and grandparents.
It's tough. I'm exhausted. Today after an especially heavy faculty meeting, I just want to cry.
Yet as I write this, I am reminded that God says that His strength is made perfect in weakness; He bottles each of my tears; He has written my story before the foundation of time and will work things together for my good; and that I need to work as though I am working unto the Lord.
In short, I need to trust Him. In the face of all of this, I have no other choice. Life is so hard. I have no idea how people make it through without Jesus.
Coworkers having biopsies.
Life at home continuing to be messy for my parents.
The stars aligning for (another) (im)perfect storm at work next year.No news on what comes next for me professionally or vocationally.
Students with advanced cancer struggling personally and financially.
An emotionally absent father who just turned 70 and still acts like he's five.
Still living with a family and not having a home of my own to invite people to or cook in.
Assuming extra jobs at work because we are so short staffed and having to take things day by day (even though I feel like the things I do are not valued or appreciated, or helpful to me personally or professionally).
Looming unemployment, bringing with it the end of health insurance, retirement contribution, and a sense of structure to my days.
The loss of a close friendship that still stings (and if I'm honest, sometimes makes me mad).
Students losing parents and grandparents.
It's tough. I'm exhausted. Today after an especially heavy faculty meeting, I just want to cry.
Yet as I write this, I am reminded that God says that His strength is made perfect in weakness; He bottles each of my tears; He has written my story before the foundation of time and will work things together for my good; and that I need to work as though I am working unto the Lord.
In short, I need to trust Him. In the face of all of this, I have no other choice. Life is so hard. I have no idea how people make it through without Jesus.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
The Last Year
Today in the car I was thinking, "Wow, I think it's been a year since my life plan was derailed." I looked at my calendar and, sure enough, it has been.
On February 27, 2013 I went to lunch with my boss, Kim. She is so supportive, and one of the ways it plays out is that she proactively schedules lunch with all of the assistant professors each semester. While the lunches are great and my boss is even better, these lunches are nerve wracking and somewhat awkward in that I never know what direction the conversation will go. I always pray in advance of these meetings, asking the Lord to direct our conversation.
At my lunch last February, the talk was serious: we were discussing strategy putting my tenure and promotion package together. That I would go up for tenure was a foregone conclusion in my mind -- it was the obvious next step, and not really a question. Whether I would get tenure or not was a question, but I always assumed I would at least try and then the Lord would direct the process from there.
At that lunch in February, Kim insinuated that I should really think about whether or not I even wanted tenure and let that inform whether I should go up for tenure. I remember being insulted. Subsequently Kim asked, "Well Sarah, what is it that you really like to do?"
I remember clearly that I had read James that morning. The verse about asking God for wisdom and the Lord giving it freely and generously came to mind (James 1:5), so I asked the Lord what to say? I distinctly remember Him telling me to be honest with Kim. I thought "OMG nothing good can come of that -- the parts of my job that I like the least are the parts that are valued most in the tenure and promotion process and the parts of the job that I like most are valued the least! I cannot tell Kim that!" I felt the Lord again tell me, "Be honest with her."
I swallowed hard and obeyed. I told her how much I liked teaching and advising undergraduate students, and how little I liked securing research funding and managing research.
Kim was supportive. She listened, and told me I really had to think about what I wanted out of life. Her question about what I wanted to do launched me on a month of thinking, praying, seeking counsel from anyone and everyone I respected. And, ultimately, I felt the Lord's leading not to go up for tenure.
This surprised me. This had been my plan all along, and something I'd been working toward since I graduated from college -- going to grad school to get a PhD, getting a PhD so I could get a tenure track job, getting a tenure track job so I could have job security and teach college kids forever! This was my plan, and now it was over. Poof. Goodbye life plan. Hello uncertainty, waiting, and the unknown.
Honestly, this is all still very tough. I never would have imagined a year later, I still wouldn't have a life plan. I am sad to leave a job that I have enjoyed, that amply provided for me, and that I have had a chance to make (at least a little bit of) a difference doing. I have loved working with students, and I like my coworkers and will miss working with them. I long for them to serve Jesus. I have seen God's favor and blessing on my work here. And I am going to miss that. I also miss (the illusion of) feeling like I know where my life is going.
But as much as I am going to miss that, I know that the Lord is leading me elsewhere for the next season. I don't know where that will be or what I'll be doing, but I trust Him and know that He will reveal that to me in His timing. I can't believe this all started a year ago and I still don't know what is next. What a wild ride this has all been.
And I'm sure the next season will be a wild ride too. Serving Jesus is always an adventure.
On February 27, 2013 I went to lunch with my boss, Kim. She is so supportive, and one of the ways it plays out is that she proactively schedules lunch with all of the assistant professors each semester. While the lunches are great and my boss is even better, these lunches are nerve wracking and somewhat awkward in that I never know what direction the conversation will go. I always pray in advance of these meetings, asking the Lord to direct our conversation.
At my lunch last February, the talk was serious: we were discussing strategy putting my tenure and promotion package together. That I would go up for tenure was a foregone conclusion in my mind -- it was the obvious next step, and not really a question. Whether I would get tenure or not was a question, but I always assumed I would at least try and then the Lord would direct the process from there.
At that lunch in February, Kim insinuated that I should really think about whether or not I even wanted tenure and let that inform whether I should go up for tenure. I remember being insulted. Subsequently Kim asked, "Well Sarah, what is it that you really like to do?"
I remember clearly that I had read James that morning. The verse about asking God for wisdom and the Lord giving it freely and generously came to mind (James 1:5), so I asked the Lord what to say? I distinctly remember Him telling me to be honest with Kim. I thought "OMG nothing good can come of that -- the parts of my job that I like the least are the parts that are valued most in the tenure and promotion process and the parts of the job that I like most are valued the least! I cannot tell Kim that!" I felt the Lord again tell me, "Be honest with her."
I swallowed hard and obeyed. I told her how much I liked teaching and advising undergraduate students, and how little I liked securing research funding and managing research.
Kim was supportive. She listened, and told me I really had to think about what I wanted out of life. Her question about what I wanted to do launched me on a month of thinking, praying, seeking counsel from anyone and everyone I respected. And, ultimately, I felt the Lord's leading not to go up for tenure.
This surprised me. This had been my plan all along, and something I'd been working toward since I graduated from college -- going to grad school to get a PhD, getting a PhD so I could get a tenure track job, getting a tenure track job so I could have job security and teach college kids forever! This was my plan, and now it was over. Poof. Goodbye life plan. Hello uncertainty, waiting, and the unknown.
Honestly, this is all still very tough. I never would have imagined a year later, I still wouldn't have a life plan. I am sad to leave a job that I have enjoyed, that amply provided for me, and that I have had a chance to make (at least a little bit of) a difference doing. I have loved working with students, and I like my coworkers and will miss working with them. I long for them to serve Jesus. I have seen God's favor and blessing on my work here. And I am going to miss that. I also miss (the illusion of) feeling like I know where my life is going.
But as much as I am going to miss that, I know that the Lord is leading me elsewhere for the next season. I don't know where that will be or what I'll be doing, but I trust Him and know that He will reveal that to me in His timing. I can't believe this all started a year ago and I still don't know what is next. What a wild ride this has all been.
And I'm sure the next season will be a wild ride too. Serving Jesus is always an adventure.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Trusting the Lord to Order Our Steps
We were supposed to leave Arkansas around 1 PM on Thursday and arrive in Florida around 8 PM. Our flight was cancelled for wind and bottom line was were were not sure if we were going to make it on Thursday or not. I silently prayed that we would make it. I figured God knew how much I needed this vacation, how tightly I was wound, and how hard things had been and that the obvious thing was to get me out of Arkansas for a few days ASAP.
My good friend Emily instead prayed, "Lord, please order our steps. We trust you."
Immediate conviction. Yes, isn't this year all about me learning to trust in the Lord's plans? Didn't the Holy Spirit tell me at the beginning of the year that learning to trust Him was my primary learning objective? Doesn't God control even the wind and the resulting flight cancellations? He knew about all of this; I had just forgotten about that.
We did make it to Florida that night (well, the next morning at 2 AM). We had a full, memorable, fun trip that I will always treasure. The Lord was in the details and, indeed, ordered our steps -- we experienced favor and the Lord's divine timing throughout the entire trip. We got to do everything we wanted to multiple times, and still had a chance to go back to our hotel rooms to relax and sleep in the afternoons. Most meaningful to me, though, was the ways in which the Lord grew my relationship with a good friend with whom I now have even more fun memories.
Emily is a fun, encouraging, Godly friend who teaches me so much -- including how to trust God not only with big things like my vocation and my future, but even with the details of flight arrangements and my leisure time, and knowing that God knows what my bandwidth is and will make sure all of my emotional and mental health needs are richly and abundantly supplied.
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